Raising Lucy

by Becca Jameson

  I squeeze my knees closer, not lifting my head. I have yet to look at her.

  “Julius and I have both been pleasantly surprised by how relaxed he’s been since you came into his life. I’ve never seen him smile this much. He has never given any other woman even a full evening of his time.”

  I flinch.

  “I’m serious. I know you have about a thousand questions. I heard some of the list before I came in, but what you need to know is that he loves you so much that he will let you walk out the door right now without a word if you insist. He set some clothes in a pile outside the door. If you want me to grab them and let you dress, I will. If you want me to take you somewhere, I’ll do that too. You don’t even have to see him first. We can go right out the back door if you want.”

  I lift my gaze. New tears are falling. I’m so uncertain about so many things. I know she speaks the truth, but is it enough? Can I ever forgive him for getting me fired and luring me into his life and keeping things from me, including the fact that I apparently have a brother?

  Claudia stands and climbs out of the tub. She picks up her heels, and I notice for the first time that she’s in a pencil skirt and gorgeous deep purple blouse. She looks perfect, just like the last time I saw her.

  She smiles down at me. “Do you think you could give him a chance to explain himself? Maybe he could come in? I’ll wait right outside the door. If you decide you want to leave at any time, you could yell my name.”

  I inhale slowly and nod. It’s obvious I’m going to have to let him speak his piece. Might as well get it over with.

  Chapter 50

  Lucy

  * * *

  A few moments after Claudia slips from the room, Roman fills the doorway. I’ve lowered my face. My chin is on my knees again. I don’t acknowledge him.

  He eases into the small space and sits on the toilet. For several moments, he says nothing and then he takes a deep breath and speaks, his voice low and soft. “The first night you stepped into Surrender, I nearly swallowed my tongue. I knew. Even though my friends tried to tell me I was crazy and that no one could possibly be that certain, they were wrong. I knew. I knew you were it for me.”

  I want to point out that he has a funny way of showing it, but I purse my lips instead, keeping my face down.

  “I followed you around the club that first night, shaking. I wanted to approach you, but I held back. I was scared out of my mind that you might not return. Even though I don’t frequent the club as much as I used to, I did that month. Every second the club was open, I was there. Waiting. Praying you would come back. And then you did. Every Friday. And I knew the clock was ticking. I knew I had to do something. Anything to capture your attention before your six visits were up.”

  Everything he is saying rings true. In fact, my heart rate slows as I picture him frantically trying to figure out how to approach me. I can totally see it in my head. When he wants something, he gets a little crazed about it. It’s exactly why I haven’t told him I want to go to school. I worry about the nervous, jealous, fearful, possessive, insecure side of him he tries to hide. The man who took so long to have sex with me because he was afraid I would destroy him if I left. That is the man sitting on the toilet baring his soul.

  He continues. “I made some poor choices. Julius and Claudia told me I was crazy. I wouldn’t listen. I insisted you were it for me. So I dug into your life. I know it was nefarious, but my intention was to know enough about you to figure out how to get you to see me.”

  “You got me fired,” I finally interject without lifting my gaze. That part is unforgivable.

  “Yeah. I did. That wasn’t my finest hour. I couldn’t figure out how to make sure you would give me a chance. I justified it in my mind by making sure my offer was much better and providing you with more benefits. Every dime of your fulltime salary, overtime, and the severance pay we discussed is in your account. It’s yours. I can’t take it back.

  “Before you moved in here, I got you a new apartment. I’ve been paying the rent on it all this time. It’s next to the university. All your things are there. Every single item from your other place. In addition, I added new furniture. A better bed. A sofa. Table and chairs. Television. It’s been a side project of mine, making sure you would be taken care of and have everything you need when and if you change your mind.”

  I’m stunned. I had no idea.

  He shifts on the toilet seat, his voice lowering further. “I have never had another woman in this house, Lucy. Not even for a night. I’ve never had a little or a middle. No one has slept in this room. No one has slept in my bedroom either.” His voice trails off.

  I remember he kept something else from me. “Where did you get that letter?” I whisper.

  “It came to your apartment. Weston brought me your mail when he finalized things with your landlord.” Roman audibly swallows. “It was stupid of me to keep it from you. I just…” He pauses. “You were settling in. Happy. Studying. I didn’t want to upset you. I didn’t trust this man who says he’s your half brother. I had him investigated. It would seem he’s legit, but I still don’t trust him. I have to question his timing. After twenty-two years, he pops out of nowhere the moment you are no longer destitute? I should have told you. I still think we need to tread carefully where this Daven is concerned. I seem to get a little crazed when it comes to protecting you.”

  A little crazed? I almost laugh. Understatement of the year. I can’t believe I might possibly have a half brother. I also can’t focus on that right now. I have so many questions, and I’m sure Roman knows most of the answers, but I’ll leave that subject for another time.

  Roman clears his throat. “I’m sorry about your grandmother. It must have been jolting to realize she died.”

  I nod.

  “I looked into her estate. It was worth nothing. If I had discovered she had anything of value, I would have secured it for you.”

  I hadn’t considered that either. I wouldn’t expect my grandmother to have had any money. That’s not shocking. But a hint of warmth seeps into me amidst the anger, that at least Roman was looking out for my best interests, even if he did go about doing so in the wrong way.

  Roman blows out a breath. “Lucy, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. Idiotic. I’ve made horrible choices. I manipulated your life to get you to see me. It was inexcusable. All I can do is beg you to forgive me and promise to never do anything like that again.”

  I try to think. Yes, it was stupid of him to interfere in my job and speak to my bosses and make it so I was desperate, and he could hire me. Would he have been able to talk me into submitting to him if he’d simply been honest and walked up to me at the club?

  It doesn’t really matter now. Obviously, he didn’t think he could win me over that way. It was devious, but it also speaks to his vulnerability and how scared he must have been. So desperate to get us together that he did some stupid things. Really stupid things.

  If I dig deep, I have to admit, he was not wrong about me. He was spot on. He didn’t force me to submit to him. Not even that first time when I kneeled before him to let go of some stress. He gently guided me to see myself for who I am. A middle.

  In my heart, I already knew I wanted to belong to someone. Otherwise I wouldn’t have gone to Surrender in the first place. I went there to surrender. I didn’t have the strength to put myself out there, but I did learn a lot. I would have eventually realized I wanted someone to care for me. Protect me. Guide me. Even discipline me.

  And the reason I like to age play as a young girl is so that I can let someone else make all the decisions for me, allowing me to relax for the first time in my life.

  I can’t know how long I will want to play this role. No one can ever be sure of something like that. But for now, it fills a need, a void created by not ever having a father figure in my life who cared. Not even a mother, really. No one ever paid attention to me. I didn’t have toys or clothes or bedtimes or rules or any attention at all.

  I�
��m smart. I know I like this arrangement because Master Roman fills all those holes. He does so perfectly. Seamlessly. He lets me live as the young girl I didn’t get to be when I was her. He makes it perfect by recreating every detail I needed at twelve and never had. Rules. Discipline. But also love and commitment and a roof and food and clothes and toys and books.

  He’s given me the world. I never dreamed of finding someone like Master Roman. Someone who wanted to give exactly what I needed to receive.

  I could leave. But I know in my heart I will never find love like this again. Not in a million years. It’s rare.

  We have so many things to work out. I need to know why he doesn’t let me sleep in his bed. I need him to let me go to college even if he thinks it’s a risk and he spends all four years worrying. I need to know that he will love me no matter what and that he will always be willing to negotiate with me.

  I need him to be the father figure I never had and all the things that go with it. I want that to be our lives for as many hours of the day I can manage. I thrive in that role. It frees me and soothes me and relaxes me.

  I also want the sexual side. No one will ever be able to make my body sing the way he does. It’s unconventional, but it’s who we are as a couple.

  I’d kind of like to see the apartment he arranged for me. Its existence is just one more thing he kept from me, but the fact that he went to so much trouble to make sure I would be taken care of if I left speaks volumes. I could go stay there for a few days. Think. But I would only be doing so to make Master Roman suffer a bit longer. In the end, there is no way I’m going to leave him. I’m going to yell at him some more later, but I’m not going to leave.

  Right now I’m too exhausted to continue this discussion. I hope he can accept that. At least for tonight.

  He rises from the toilet and lowers to his knees beside the bathtub. “I’m so sorry, Lucy. I’m an idiot.” He leans his forehead toward me until he rests it on mine.

  We stare at each other.

  I lick my lips. “I’m too tired to talk about this anymore tonight, but if you have any other skeletons or secrets, you should probably gather them all up and introduce me to them in the morning.”

  He nods, his expression solemn.

  “Dig deep. You only get one pass,” I warn him.

  “I will.” He sets his hand on my shoulder and pushes himself to standing. He stares at me for a long time, his expression sorrowful and grim. His tail is between his legs.

  Finally, he leans over the tub to lift me easily into his arms. I let him, though I can’t relax against him as he carries me to my bed and gently sets me on the mattress. He hesitates and then walks to the door. He reaches around to the outside and turns out the light. For a moment, I stare at his silhouette in the dark, thinking he will leave me to my thoughts until morning.

  Instead, he seems to change his mind. He turns around, pads back to my side, and tucks his hands under my small body again and lifts me in his arms. Without a word, he cradles me against his chest and carries me from the room.

  I know exactly where he’s taking me, and it makes my heart soar.

  Down the hall, around the corner, another hall, and finally he enters his bedroom. It’s dark in his room, but the light coming from the hallway lets me see the drawers are closed now, as is the closet. I wonder who cleaned up my snooping mess.

  He holds me with one hand and uses the other to tug back the comforter. And then he settles me on the bed, sheet and all. After kicking off his shoes, he climbs over me and hauls my back against his chest.

  He’s fully clothed in slacks and a white shirt. His tie is gone, and the top button of his shirt is undone, but that’s it. I’m still in my white dress and panties with the sheet from my bed cocooning me.

  Master Roman strokes my hip and up my arm and then my cheek. He tugs the hairband from the end of my braids and starts to unravel them. It takes him a long time, but finally, he runs his fingers through the length, over and over. Nothing has ever felt so good. Not even my mother ever took the time to care for me like this.

  Roman doesn’t speak for the longest time. I begin to think he won’t. And then he says, “I love you so much, cherry blossom.”

  I turn my head to meet his gaze and give him the only thing I have left. “I love you too, Daddy.”

  Chapter 51

  Master Roman

  * * *

  I haven’t slept. Not a single moment. I couldn’t. Every time I closed my eyes even for a minute, I saw Lucy in that bathtub, curled in a ball. Hurt. Broken. Defeated. Mistrusting.

  She was right to feel those things. It was wrong of me to take over her life and not discuss it with her. Julius warned me. I didn’t listen. I had a one-track mind. Making Lucy mine. It wasn’t fair to her.

  I died a thousand deaths while I paced outside her room, Julius holding me back, insisting that I let Claudia have a moment with her first.

  I owe Claudia. I owe her my life. I know she talked my girl down off the ledge. And I’m grateful.

  The sun is just coming up when Lucy stirs in my arms.

  I stroke a finger over her brow. I’ve been dying to touch her for hours. But I let her sleep instead.

  She whimpers as her eyes slowly blink open, and then she rolls onto her back, looking up at me. Her brows are drawn together. “I’m in your bed.”

  “Yes.” I smile. “And I like you here.”

  “Why have you kept me down the hall?”

  I lick my lips. I owe her an explanation. I owe her a lot of explanations.

  “Marbles,” she murmurs.

  I nod, remembering our assigned word for “Let’s talk frankly.” I lean my chin on my palm, keeping my face inches from hers, holding her gaze. “This house was much crazier and more chaotic when I was growing up in it. For several years my grandfather lived here with me and my parents. He was a Dominant in his own right, and even in his eighties he was still practicing.”

  “That must have been strange.”

  I shrug. “I didn’t know any different. My father, on the other hand, wasn’t just a Dom. He was a philanderer. There were always women around here, often dressed scantily. Even when I was young.”

  “Where was your mom?” Her eyes pin mine.

  I sigh. “She was here too. She played the role of the dutiful submissive wife, but I’m not sure it suited her. In addition, my father expected her to accept that he had other women on the side. He even flaunted it in her face. I learned at a young age that she didn’t approve. But she never said anything.”

  “Kinda like my mom,” Lucy points out.

  “Yeah. Though my dad never yelled at us or did anything I recognized as abuse at the time, it shaped me. In many ways. I hated how my father used women and discarded them with no regard for their feelings. I believe my mom also felt used.

  “By the time I was an adult, I knew I never wanted what my father had. I was a one-woman man. I also knew I didn’t want to bring a woman into my home unless and until I was ready to commit to her.” I close my eyes for a moment, not sure what her expression might be.

  “You decided you were willing to commit to me before you even hired me,” she stated. It wasn’t a question.

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s a bit over the top, you know.”

  I give her a slight grin. “Yes. I just knew. I had a feeling. I still do. I know.”

  “What does this have to do with your bedroom?”

  I take a slow breath. “I left that one last wall up as a barrier to protect myself in case you left me. I knew I would be shredded if I brought you to my room and then you left. I couldn’t face it. I was too chicken.”

  “And now?” Her voice is soft.

  “I realize I was wrong to keep you at arm’s length. I need to trust that you won’t walk away from what we have without a fight. It was wrong of me to take over your life. Selfish. You’re a grown woman with a mind of your own. I should have asked you out like a decent human being and then let our relat
ionship progress naturally.”

  Her lips part, but she hesitates before speaking. “I’m not sure that would have worked. I would have been too intimidated and turned you down.” She narrows her gaze, “But your way still sucked.”

  I nod. “You’re right.”

  “I’ll forgive you on two conditions.”

  “Name them.”

  “Never ever ever do something that hairbrained again.”

  “Done.”

  “And let me sleep in your bed.” She turns to face me more fully, her sheet falling away. “I’m in love with you. I want to sleep with you. I want to have sex in the middle of the night and wake up in your arms.”

  “How about a compromise.”

  She rolls her eyes.

  “I decide where you sleep each night. Most nights it will be here in my room. Some nights you’ll sleep in your little girl room. You’ll never know what I’m going to choose, but you can rest assured if you’ve been disobedient on any given day, you will likely end up in your twin bed.” I lift a brow, waiting for confirmation. Before she has a chance to respond, I add, “Oh, and I’m putting a camera in your room.”

  She squirms, her entire demeanor sliding into one of submission just before her soft voice changes to the pitch she uses when she submits to me. “Yes, Sir.”

  I give a mental fist pump. I know things are going to be rocky between us for a while, but I love her, and I’ll do anything in my power to ensure she knows it every day, especially ensuring that I’m the best Daddy I can be. I know what she needs from me. I’ve known it from the moment I first laid eyes on her.

  She needs someone to cherish her and take care of her. She needs to know she can count on her world always being a soft place to fall. She needs guidance and direction and discipline and structure and rules.