Arena 4

by Logan Jacobs

  This morning, however, well this morning I was victorious. With a big smile on my face, I opened the door and walked into JoJo’s Donuts.

  It was as if twenty-first century Earth had thrown up in the place.

  The joint was part hole-in-the-wall donut shop, part thrift store, and part antique mall. A large mid-Nineties projection screen TV took up nearly seven feet of wall space just to the right of the entrance and blared out an episode of The Price Is Right, and judging from the fashion, it was circa Nineteen Eighty-Six.

  The wall behind it had a melange of odd Earth knick-knacks plastered on all of it in some American Pickers wet dream. There were hubcaps from about twenty different cars spanning probably fifty years, a wagon wheel, the skull of a wooly mammoth, a large cut-out of Pamela Anderson from Baywatch, a whole section of bras, some sock puppets, two crossed cavalry sabers, a dream catcher, the eye of Anubis, and a George Foreman Grill. And that was only part of one wall.

  I almost got a little dizzy at the sheer enormity of human brik-a-brak.

  “Welcome, welcome,” said a strange melodic voice from behind me. I hadn’t realized I’d walked into the middle of the shop and had apparently been slowly spinning around to look at everything on the walls and shelves and display cases. “Are you an Earth enthusiast?”

  I spun slowly around to see where the voice had come from and found myself looking at a five-foot tall talking Teddy bear with dark brown fur and brilliant golden eyes.

  “Yeah, you could say that,” I said with a big smile. I couldn't help it. The alien in front of me made me think of warm cookies and big hugs.

  “Oh, oh, oh, my,” the talking Teddy bear stammered. “Champion Havak, oh, oh, dear, dear me.”

  “Hey, it’s okay,” I reassured the fuzzy fella. “I assume you are JoJo?”

  “Um, yes, he is I, oh dear, I mean I am him,” JoJo stuttered. He had gotten very flustered. “I cannot believe an actual Earthling came into my shop. What a day, oh what a stupendous day. What do you think?

  “I, um,” I was caught a little off guard by his earnestness. His voice was so soothing and pleasant, like a kind old man with the whimsey of a child. “I think it's really great, JoJo.”

  “Oh, oh dear, dear, dear,” JoJo fretted and moved behind the counter that was filled with every type of donut ever imagined. I saw glazed, chocolate glazed, crullers, eclairs, Boston Cremes, cinnamon dusted, jelly filled, bear claws, apple fritters, hell, he even had maple glazed. “I need a donut. I do think a donut sounds like it would hit the spot.”

  JoJo slid open the back of the display case, took out two chocolate glazed donuts and proceeded to shove them into his mouth. He then moaned in sugary delight as he chewed with his eyes closed. It took him a minute of confectionery bliss to realize I didn’t have any.

  “Oh, dear, I’m so sorry,” he said through a doughy mouthful. “Would you like one?”

  “JoJo,” I said as I felt my face light up with joy, “I think I love you.”

  He giggled, and it sounded like jelly beans taste

  He pulled a mouth-watering chocolate glazed Long John out of the cabinet wrapped in a square of waxed tissue paper. JoJo handed it over to me lovingly. I brought it to my nose and smelled deep. It was a sugar and fat and chocolate fantasy come to life.

  “JoJo, buddy,” I said as I prepared to take a bite that would cut the seven-inch long donut in half, “I’m going to need you to box up two dozen of your finest. Pick and choose.”

  I was just about to put the deliciousness in my mouth when a hand clamped down on my shoulder and knocked it from my grasp. I watched in painful slow motion as it tumbled through space and landed, chocolate side down, with an audible squish. The hand on my shoulder spun me around, and I looked into the stern face of one of the Champion’s District’s finest aliens in blue.

  “Champion Marc Havak,” the cop said with a forceful, “I will be obeyed” voice. “The Captain needs to see you immediately. “Come quietly or there will be trouble.”

  “Damnit, Murphy,” I practically whined as I looked at the fallen donut like it was a casualty of war.

  “Come on,” the cop grumbled and shoved me toward the door. His partner opened it so that I could be escorted through.

  “JoJo!” I yelled over my shoulder. “I’ll be back, JoJo.”

  “I hope so, Champion Havak,” JoJo said as he shoved another donut into his pink frosting smeared face and waved. “Remember to always spay and neuter your pets!”

  JoJo’s voice got cut off as the door closed, and I saw a shiny blue and gold police hover-cruiser waiting at the curb.

  “Bob Barker? Nice JoJo,” I said to myself as I got in the back seat of the cruiser. “I see what you guys are doing. You guys wanna keep all the donuts for yourselves. Well, it won’t work, I tell ya. One day I’ll have my donut. And there won’t be a damn thing you can do about it.”

  “That’s nice, Champion Havak,” the first cop said as he got behind the controls. “Buckle up now.”

  Two thick belts shot out of the seat at my shoulders, crossed in front of my chest to make an X, and then clicked themselves into place on either side of my hip. They then tightened so much that it made it hard for me to breathe.

  “Hey, fellas,” I grunted, “can you loosen the belts a bit back here?”

  The second cop got in the passenger door. He held two donuts and passed one to his partner. They each took a synchronized bite.

  “No,” the donut bringers said as the car hovered off the ground and then zoomed off toward the police station.

  “You guys are kinda jerks, you know that?” I said and tried to loosen the belts on my own. I only succeeded in making them tighter. This morning just kept getting better and better.

  “Jerks with donuts,” the driver chuckled.

  “Touche,” I replied and then watched out the window in somewhat pouty silence for the rest of the ride.

  A few minutes later the hover-cruiser slipped into the opening of a large underground garage that lay below the police station. The cruiser came to a stop, and the belts that had held me tightly in place unclicked and snapped back into the recess from whence they came.

  The passenger cop got out and opened the door of the cruiser.

  “This way,” he grumbled and walked toward a door that said: Authorized Police Personnel Only.

  “Ohh, official,” I quipped. Neither one of them laughed.

  We walked through and into the busy station that was full of uniformed officers, plainclothes detectives, and a motley assortment of perps. Years of watching NYPD Blue and Brooklyn 99 had given me a good grasp of the lingo. I hoped I wasn’t about to get jammed up by the Captain. If I did, I didn’t think Sipowics was gonna be able to help out this time.

  “Hey, Havak, over here,” driver cop called out. I’d fallen behind while in my little TV cop reverie. He pointed to a plain conference room off the main bullpen with a table and two chairs. At least it wasn’t an interrogation cell like last time. “Wait in there.”

  I walked in and sat down and the cop closed the door without another word.

  “To annoy and be rude,” I mocked as the door slammed shut.

  My thoughts began to spin in a whirlwind of uncertainty. I had no idea what the fuck the Captain wanted to see me about. I didn’t think it could have anything to do with Fallon since the CDPD only dealt with crime within the Champion’s District. Everyone else had to fend for themselves. The Aetherons must have been Ayn Rand fans.

  The door opened and Captain Har’Gitay entered. She walked with the air of one in charge and who had to fight hard as hell to get there. She had on the same form-fitting police uniform that she did the first time we’d met. A tight skirt that went down below the knee, a crisp white shirt and matching blazer with various police commendation medals over her right breast. The shirt and jacket struggled valiantly to keep said breasts contained. The Captain was stacked. And jacked, she had on a leather belt with a holster that sat high up on her right hip. The cu
rved, worn wooden handle of a pistol poked from the mouth of the holster. I noticed that one of her commendations was given for marksmanship. Her blue-black hair was done up in the same no-nonsense bun, and she wore the same wire-framed glasses in front of her gorgeous hazel eyes. She sat in the chair opposite me, folded her hands in front of her and looked at me.

  God damn. She was smoking hot.

  “I was just getting donuts again,” I started to explain. “I didn’t even fight anyone this time.”

  “Yes, I know,” she replied with a bit of a smile, “looks like you took my advice and have been keeping your brawling for the Crucible.”

  “You know me, straight as an arrow,” I grinned.

  “Hmm,” she hummed in her throat and looked at me over the top of her glasses, “so I have heard.”

  “Ha, ha ha,” I laughed a little too loudly. I could have been crazy, but I was pretty sure the Captain of the Champion’s District Police Department had just kinda sorta hit on me. “She totally hit on you dude,” my inner voice said very clearly, “but be cool, dude, be cool” it whispered in my head before going back to the recesses of my brain.

  “To what do I owe the pleasure this morning, Captain?” I asked out loud in my normal voice.

  “Unfortunately, it's not pleasure,” she said, and then her face became a mask of authority and seriousness. “There is some serious business that has come to my attention and that I need to make you aware of.”

  “Of course there is,” I muttered way more sarcastically than I had intended. Once again, I was in the police station without having had any coffee or anything to eat and I was a bit cranky.

  “We caught a group of thugs trying to smuggle illegal firearms into the Champion’s District,” Har’Gitay said as she leaned in closer to me. “Nothing super out of the ordinary there. Happens from time to time. I was questioning one of them personally, and they let slip that they were smuggling the weapons for a potential assassination attempt on your President.”

  “They're gonna do what to who?” The words rushed out of my mouth before I could really stop them. “Well, shit. I guess that confirms it.”

  “What do you mean?” the Captain asked. Her brilliant eyes sparkled with shrewd intelligence. She looked to be maybe thirty Earth years old, but I got the feeling that she’d been a cop for much longer than that.

  “Yesterday morning, Fallon, told me something kinda similar,” I admitted. The little mouse running around in a wheel that was my brain kicked into high gear. When a mob boss and the Captain of the police both tell you the same thing, it usually means that bad shit is going to happen. My mind spun with the possibilities and, more importantly, how the hell was I going to be able to stop it.

  “You mean the notorious underworld crime boss?” Har’Gitay stiffened.

  “I mean my good friend who's helped her community tremendously since removing a sneaky, no good, rat bastard from power,” I corrected her. I do not like it when people talk shit about my friends.

  “Hmm,” Har’Gitay groaned. “Fair enough, Havak. Irrus was a thorn in everyone’s side. He tried to conduct business in the Champion’s District several times. And I certainly did not shed a tear when I heard he’d been… replaced. But I’ve been a cop for a very long time, and my mother was a cop, and her mother was a cop, so it’s in my blood. And one thing I’ve learned from the job time and time again is ‘meet the new boss, same as the old boss.’”

  “There’s always an exception to the rule,” I shot back. “Like me.”

  “What rule are you the exception to?”

  “All of them,” I grinned and felt my inner scoundrel shake off the cobwebs of sleep and take the controls.

  “Funny,” she deadpanned.

  “Oh, come on,” I jibbed. “You walked right into that one.”

  “Can we please get back to the matter at hand?” she sighed, but I saw the barest hint of a smile on her face.

  The ole’ Havak charm was hard to ignore for long. Mostly, because it was like a sledgehammer.

  “Sure thing, El Capitan,” I declared cockily.

  “What did Fallon tell you yesterday?” the sexy police Captain asked as she shook her head in dismay. The sledgehammer of my charm was already working. That, or she was just getting really tired of my nonsense. It was a toss-up.

  “Well, she didn’t have a ton of information,” I answered. I sat a little straighter in my chair and leaned closer to her. All cocksure swagger aside, this was important. I didn’t want to be the reason why the President of the United States got killed on an alien planet on the far side of the universe. “She said basically the same thing you just told me. That there was going to be an attempt on the President’s life while he was here. Fallon was working on getting me more information.”

  “Damn,” she spat out in frustration. “I was hoping she would have a little bit more than that. I’ve had my detectives running down the usual suspects but we’ve come up with very little other than the shipment of weapons.”

  “Glad you got that,” I encouraged.

  “As am I,” Har’Gitay nodded.

  “What do you suggest we do?” I asked. “The President, well, he has a very strong personality, and I think he, ah, may have upset a few people the last time he was interviewed by Trillium Vou.”

  “That viper?” she hissed.

  “You ain’t saying nothing slick to a can of oil,” I agreed.

  “What the hell did you just say?”

  “Oh, sorry, yeah, I forget the universal language translator doesn’t account for euphemisms,” I said sheepishly. “Drives Artemis nuts. And Grizz. And, well, and the rest of my alliance. Pretty much everyone.”

  “You don’t say?” she jibbed. “I am starting to see how you’ve managed to get the better of champions who have far outranked you in the arena. You irritate them into making a mistake.”

  “It’s a talent,” I admitted. “I’m a regular Web-head.”

  “I’m not even going to ask,” she shook her head and began to rub her temple. Har’Gitay removed her glasses and set them on the table in front of her. She then looked up and met my gaze. Her hazel eyes caught a shaft of light from the rooms solitary window and sparkled. I noticed that there will little specks of navy blue dappled throughout the light green like a polished piece of granite. Without the glasses, her features softened, and I had to stifle an involuntary intake of breath from how gorgeous she was. Har’Gitay resembled a young Charlize Theron, you know, only with light blue skin and hair so black it was almost midnight blue.

  “Captain,” I said seriously. “What should I do? The President arrives today if I’m not mistaken.”

  “Make sure he doesn’t leave the Champion’s District,” she answered plainly. “He’s here for a potential real estate deal, correct?”

  “Yeah, he wants to build a hotel,” I replied. “He likes hotels with his name on them.”

  “They always do,” she sighed. I could see tiny worry lines around the corners of her eyes. I couldn’t begin to imagine how hard her job was. “The Champion’s District is the largest in the city and most of the potential sites for the type of building he is looking for will be within its confines. As long as he is in the borders of the District, I can ensure his safety. In the sixty years I’ve had this job, I’ve never lost a single champion, trainer, attache, or foreign dignitary and I don’t plan on starting now.”

  “Sixty years!” I blurted out.

  “Does that surprise you?” Har’Gitay chuckled. “My particular race lives to be about two hundred Earth years old. You, what’s the term? Ah, whippersnapper.”

  “One, no one under the age of ninety uses that term,” I said, “and two, yeah, I am surprised. Other than Helen Mirren, you’re the sexiest woman over seventy I’ve ever seen.”

  “Why thank you,” she smiled and held my gaze before she picked up her glasses and put them back on slowly. “Keep him in my jurisdiction and you won’t have to worry about it. My people are on it. If I find anyt
hing else out, I’ll let you know.”

  “Same goes for me,” I nodded. “Thanks for the heads up, Captain.”

  “Against my better judgment, I like you Champion Havak,” she admitted.

  “Call me, Marc,” I chuckled. “Champion Havak is my father’s… Oh, huh, that quip doesn’t quite work. Just call me Marc. And the feeling is mutual.”

  “Okay, Marc,” she acquiesced. “Officer’s Staar’Ski and Huh-tch will bring you home or to the Hall of Champions.”

  “Wait, their names are Starsky and Hutch?”

  “Roughly, yes, why?”

  “Whoever runs this damn universe has a damn wicked sense of humor,” I laughed and shook my head. “Starsky and Hutch? Too funny.”

  “Why would that be funny?” She asked. “That is their names.”

  “Come over sometime, and I’ll show you,” I dared. I hadn’t planned on hitting on quite possibly the most powerful woman in Valience City, but when did I ever plan on doing anything? Following my gut had gotten me this far.

  She couldn’t help the little smile that played across her full lips. It burst onto her face like a birthday surprise. Sudden and unexpected. A full second, which to me seemed like a glorious eternity, before she got it under control and replaced it with her very captain-like scowl.

  “Havak,” she fumed, but I could tell it was forced. Like she had to save a little face, “get the hell out of my precinct.”

  “Wait,” I said before I walked out the door as I had an idea. “Can you tell me that if I screw up one more time I’ll be lucky to get a job as a crossing guard? But, you know, really angry.”

  “Get. Out.” She pointed to the door.

  “That’ll work,” I smiled and walked out the room.

  I could cross getting yelled at by a somewhat irate police Captain off my bucket list. Turns out, the morning wasn’t completely ruined.

  Chapter Ten

  “Why do you keep getting apprehended by the local constabulary, Havak?” Grizz asked in utter confusion with a smidge of annoyance.