Home to Texas

by Kaki Warner

  “More like rotating than sliding,” he pointed out. “The Milky Way is anchored by the North Star.”

  “Whatever. We can pick up air mattresses and bug spray and lightweight blankets and picnic supplies on our way out of town. It’ll be fun.”

  “But I already booked our suite. The one with the big shower.”

  “Why are you so obsessed with showering?” Seeing that gleam in his blue eyes, she laughed. “Forget I asked. But we leave first thing in the morning.”

  “After our morning shower.”

  “I don’t plan to get that dirty.”

  “I do. I’ll show you how.”

  * * *

  * * *

  That night, Richard awoke to find KD’s side of the bed empty. He listened, heard nothing from the bathroom, then tossed back the covers and rose. She was in the main room, sitting in the dark on the couch. The window drapes were open, and a floodlight in the courtyard highlighted the tears on her face. As he stepped closer, he saw the glint of medal in her hand. Her Purple Heart.

  Oh, babe.

  He walked over and sat next to her on the couch. Then he waited.

  After a while, she said, “It keeps coming back, you know? Over and over. Until Farid shoots me and I wake up. Nothing changes. Until tonight.”

  “What was different tonight?”

  “I fired back before I woke up.”

  A mile away, the giant speakers at Fort Hood blasted out “Reveille.” The glow of the courtyard floodlight faded as the sky took on the pink tint of dawn. Minutes passed before she spoke again. “At West Point we were told our first mission is to stay alive. Dead soldiers can’t fight, and the army with the most soldiers still standing wins the war. I survived. He didn’t. Strategically speaking, I did the right thing. I deserve this medal.”

  She turned to him, her eyes shimmering with tears. “So why do I feel so bad?”

  “Why would you? You did what you were trained to do.” Despite being a good soldier, KD wasn’t a cold killer. Emotionally, Farid’s death had hit her hard. Intellectually, she knew she was right to defend herself, but she would still struggle with it for a long time. “You probably saved your life and the boy’s.”

  “Maybe.”

  Unable to hold back any longer, he lifted her onto his lap and cradled her against his chest. “It’ll get better, babe,” he murmured into her hair. “You’ll get better. Then you’ll know you did the right thing.”

  “I hope so.”

  “I know so. Just give it time.”

  After a few moments, she slid her arms up around his neck. Lifting her face to his, she kissed him then whispered, “I don’t want you to leave.”

  “I’m right here, babe. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “But I don’t want you to stay, either.”

  He drew back to look at her. “Why?”

  “I don’t want to lose someone else I care about because of what I did.”

  Farid. Everything came back to that fucking asshole. “You think I can’t protect you?” He said it more forcefully than he’d intended.

  She tipped her forehead against his jaw. He heard the hitch in her voice and knew she was fighting tears again. “I know you can. And would. Even at the cost of your own life. That’s why I’m afraid for you to stay.”

  “I’m not going to die, KD. I’ve got too much to live for.” He wrapped his arms tightly around her, as if that might drive all the fear and worry from her body and into his. He would do anything for this woman. Including stay, whether she wanted him to or not.

  Slowly, in tiny increments, she relaxed against him. Lifting her face to his, she whispered into his ear, “Take me to bed, lover.”

  “Seriously?” He drew back. “After you said earlier I wasn’t up to the task? I’m not sure I should.”

  “Okay.” As she spoke, she ran a hand up under his tee.

  His breath caught, then escaped in a rush. “But then, you do seem remorseful. And I’m a generous and forgiving man.”

  A gentle tug on his earlobe with her teeth. “Are you?”

  “I am. Hopefully, you’ve learned your lesson.”

  “Teach me again,” she whispered, gently raking her nails down his chest.

  “If I must.”

  CHAPTER 17

  After checking out of the suite the next morning, KD and Richard stopped for lunch at another “Best in Texas” rib joint near the Lampasas interchange. While they ate, they discussed what was needed to finish Tent City.

  “Have I told you how much I appreciate all you’ve done?” KD told him.

  “Talk is cheap. But you can show your appreciation later if you’d like.”

  She laughed and bounced a green bean off his shoulder. But in truth, she wouldn’t have tackled such an involved undertaking without Richard’s help. He’d been invaluable, and they worked so well together, she felt like she’d known him far longer than just a few weeks. Every day she was impressed anew by how well he got along with her family and the workers, and how much effort he put into a project that wasn’t even his. There had to be a fault somewhere, but she’d yet to see it. Other than the shower obsession. Not that she was complaining.

  “Tell me more about your guinea pigs,” he said over his baby back rib.

  “They’re good people. Even Sarge. But they’ve been through a lot, so we’ll have to go really slow at first.” She would have to give a heads-up to the “staff” on each of the attendees so everybody would know what to expect. But she was still worried . . . for the patients, as well as herself. She’d invested so much hope into this project and was determined that nothing go wrong. If she failed at this, too . . .

  She blocked that thought. “Do you have much experience with horses?”

  “Some. I had a summer job with a local outfitter taking city folks on horse pack trips into the mountains. Hopefully these guys won’t be as much trouble as they were. You finished with the slaw?”

  KD nodded. “I always wanted to take a pack trip.” It had been a lifelong dream she had shared with Daddy. But after he died, she’d buried it with him.

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “Ran out of time, I guess.” And now that she did have the time, her after-market hip probably wouldn’t allow it. A sad thought. She’d loved riding. But at least with the therapy project, she could still be around horses.

  A few minutes later, they were back on the road and KD put those dismal worries behind her. It was too pretty a day for sad thoughts.

  * * *

  * * *

  The park was small by Texas standards. Because it was Saturday afternoon, and June was the beginning of the high season for meteor showers and stargazing, every campsite was taken. Luckily, since they didn’t need a tent pad or firepit, and KD used her best smile on the gawky young park ranger, they were allowed to park overnight in the overflow area by the boat ramp at the lake.

  KD thought it was better than a campsite, since their only neighbors were empty boat trailers and there were picnic tables and a shower house with flush toilets nearby.

  They decided to hike first, and it was dusk when they returned to set up camp. Leaving Richard to inflate the air mattresses in the bed of the truck and unbag the blankets they’d bought at a discount store outside of Brownwood, KD took their cold cuts, cheeses, pints of various salads, and soft drinks to a picnic table by the dock. The evening was mild and clear, eerily quiet after the noise and bustle of Fort Hood. With not much moon overhead, it was ideal for watching stars—once they slathered on enough bug repellant to send the mosquitoes elsewhere.

  After they’d eaten and cleaned up, they climbed into their makeshift beds in the back of the truck and KD snuggled up to Richard’s shoulder to watch for meteors and satellites. “Bet they don’t have this in Washington.”

  His deep voice rumbled through his chest into her ear
. “Actually, they do, as long as you’re east of the mountains. The western side is too cloudy and rainy, and there’s too much ambient light for stargazing. But this is perfect.”

  She kissed his neck. “Yeah. Perfect.”

  Full dark settled around them. To the east, a family of coyotes called to one another. By the lake, crickets and frogs began their own serenades, and above them, the sky exploded with stars. It was an amazing display, and so peaceful and intimate, it felt as if the whole world slept and the light show overhead was just for them.

  They lay on their backs, side by side, rarely speaking except to point out the tiny, faint trail of a satellite bobbing through the clusters of brighter pinpoints of light. The Milky Way was so strewn with stars, KD said it looked like silver glitter sprinkled across a black gauze scarf. Richard argued it looked more like a smoky trail of embers, until she pointed out that embers were yellow, not white, and he got tired of talking about it and kissed her into silence.

  “Puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?” KD said after a while.

  Slipping an arm under her neck, he pulled her closer. “What things?”

  “Life, loss, our small successes and petty failures. We’re so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and yet still part of something this vast and beautiful and unfathomable.”

  “Didn’t know I was sleeping with a philosopher.”

  She poked his ribs. “What do you think when you look up there?”

  “I think, at this moment, I’m the luckiest guy in the world.”

  “How so?”

  “I’ve got you by my side.”

  “Aw, that’s sweet.” She stretched up and kissed him on the lips, then cuddled back against his side. She would miss this. Having him within reach. Feeling his heart beat against her cheek. “I feel lucky, too. And a little sad.”

  “Why sad?”

  “You’ll be moving on soon. I’ll miss you. That makes me sad.” More than sad. Crushed. KD was glad it was too dark for him to see that in her eyes.

  It was several minutes before he responded. “Why do you think I’ll be moving on soon?”

  She struggled to keep her voice light. “You can’t be my boy toy forever, although you’re really good at it.”

  “What if I want to?”

  “You won’t. Before long, you’ll want to start the next phase of your life. Find out what’s waiting for you now that you’ve left the army. Finish figuring out why you were born.” And I’ll be alone again.

  Another pause. “Maybe I already know why I was born and I’m just trying to work up the courage to do it.”

  “Do what?”

  “Try marriage again.”

  Marriage? Not what KD had expected to hear. She didn’t know what to say. Or what he was saying. Was this some sort of oblique proposal? The thought made her chest tight. Marriage had never been a priority with her. Maybe because there hadn’t been a man she had cared enough about to consider it. Her career had always been her main focus. Marriage could be difficult in the military, especially if the wife was the soldier—being absent from her family for long periods, uprooting the children every time she got a new posting, putting her career above her husband’s. But that was all a moot point now. KD was no longer a part of the military. So why did the thought of marriage make her so nervous? “After Emery, I’m surprised you would consider marrying again.”

  “I swore I never would. But lately, I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”

  “What changed your mind?”

  “You. This. Us. We’re good together, KD. We understand one another and can speak the truth to each other.” His chuckle vibrated in her ear. “You make me laugh. And think. And want to do better. And on a more practical level, I get a hard-on just watching you walk by. Want to see?”

  “Maybe later.”

  “It may be gone then.”

  “I’ll try to think of a way to bring it back.”

  “I look forward to it.”

  When he said nothing more, her anxiety rose. Her feelings for Richard were stronger than any she’d ever felt before . . . but marriage? It was too soon. Too final. Couldn’t they just go on like they were? Indecision was intolerable to KD. She hated having things unsettled, not knowing what to do or what to expect. But she made herself wait him out. He’d brought it up—he should be the one to finish it.

  Overhead, a satellite passed slowly by. A star fell. Distant voices of other campers intruded. Her patience snapped. She had to say something, even if it was a mistake. “So . . . despite being good together and wanting to do better and getting hard-ons, you never mentioned love.” There. She’d said it. Love should come before marriage. There was even a song about it.

  Beside her, Richard went absolutely still. A long pause, then, “Do you need me to?”

  “Hell, Richard. How can you propose marriage when you can’t even admit to love? How’s that going to work?”

  “When did I propose?”

  She tilted her head back to look at him. In the dimness, she couldn’t read his expression, but she could feel the tension in the big body next to hers. “Didn’t you just say that because of me you were considering marriage again?”

  “Well . . . yeah. But I didn’t mean right now. It’s too soon. Don’t you think it’s too soon?”

  “Oh my God.” She started to laugh.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were proposing.” She settled back against him, relieved to have that settled. But it still bothered her that neither of them had mentioned love.

  “Would it be so bad if I did propose?” he asked after a while.

  “No, but you’d have to love me first.” And she wanted to be certain he’d gotten over his disastrous marriage to Emery. KD wanted no ghosts between them. She wouldn’t be judged by his first wife’s failings. If she could have, she would have wiped those memories from his mind forever.

  “Maybe I already do love you.”

  Maybe? “You don’t sound very sure.”

  “I’m not sure I even understand the concept.”

  “Of love?” She felt him nod. “What about your family?”

  “You mean my toxic, drug-addicted, unforgiving family?”

  “You must have loved them at one time, or you wouldn’t still be so hurt.”

  He didn’t respond. Afraid she’d overstepped, she put her arm around his waist. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I wasn’t there.”

  “But you’re right. I did love them. I still do. I just don’t understand them.”

  Time passed. In the trees along the shore, night birds chirped; out in the lake, something splashed, while overhead, the sky darkened from deep blue to velvety black and more stars appeared. Finally, as if he’d spent the long silence mulling it over, he said, “What I feel for you, KD, is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt for anyone. Including my family. You’re on my mind first thing every morning and last thing at night. Thoughts of you circle in my head all through the day. Things you’ve said. Things that made you happy or sad or worried. Things I could do to make you smile, or keep you safe, or make you want me as much as I want you. Is that love? I don’t know.”

  Her head slid off his arm as he rolled toward her until they were face-to-face. His big hand cupped her check. “But what I do know is that living a life without seeing you every morning and sleeping beside you every night isn’t a life I want. I need you, babe. And I think we’re stronger together than apart. More complete.”

  Emotion pressed against her throat. It was a moment before she could speak. “I agree. I think marriage would only make life better for both of us. But . . .” Richard deserved a second chance at fatherhood after what he’d been through. If she couldn’t give him that, would he still want her? Was that what made her so afraid?

  “But
what?” He tapped her cheek. “Say something. Give me hope, at least.”

  “Full disclosure?”

  “Always.”

  “Because of my injury, I may not be able to have children.”

  He let out a huff of air that fanned her eyelashes. It had the sound of relief. “I know. And I’m sorry. You’d make a wonderful mother. But it’s not a deal breaker.”

  “It doesn’t matter to you?”

  “You’re what matters to me, KD.” He leaned in for a kiss, then drew back. “Eight years ago, I would have said there was absolutely no way I’d ever marry again. But you blindsided me, babe. I didn’t see you coming until you knocked me off my feet.”

  Those words sang through her mind. Unable to stop herself, she pressed a kiss to the hollow of his throat, felt his pulse beat against her lips. Vital. Alive. Hers for the taking.

  “Tell me you feel the same way, KD. Don’t leave me hanging.”

  Reaching up, she brushed her fingertips across his bristly cheek. “I do feel the same way, Richard. You’re my man. When I’m with you, I feel whole and safe and . . . happy. But let’s give it a little more time. Get this Khalil thing behind us. Figure out what you’re going to do. What I’m going to do. Whether the horse therapy idea is a go or not. No need to make any decisions now. We’ve got time to think it through.”

  And maybe by then, we can admit to love.

  * * *

  * * *

  It wasn’t the answer Richard expected. Or had hoped to hear. But it wasn’t a brush-off, either. And it made sense.

  If he took a job that sent him somewhere else, would KD be willing to leave the ranch and her family? And if she decided to go full-time on the horse therapy thing, would he be willing to stay at Four Star? It wouldn’t be a hardship, living in the lap of luxury at the ranch. But for a solitary person like him, it might not be easy, either. The place already had a clannish feel to it, although he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or bad.