Sol
I felt so awful about my fight with Sawyer, but I wasn’t going to allow him to control me.
I understood he was worried, but I had gone to hundreds of shoots and nothing had ever happened. Granted, most of them were local, and I usually had either Kelli or a stylist come with me, but I’d be fine. This was standard for my job.
Just as I arrived at the airport, an email popped up from Vidal.
Urgent, please call.
Great. I hoped everything was okay.
I called Vidal.
“Hi, Sol. Thanks for calling. We have an emergency.”
Ugh. My heart sank. But millions of issues could come up with a shoot, so I needed to stay positive.
“Oh really? What happened?”
“Well, we need a special filming permit. I’d pay but the banks are closed, and I had my wallet stolen the other week. Pickpockets. Anyway, I’ll reimburse you for sure, but if you could front the payment that would be great.”
I had a sudden sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
My gut told me something was wrong. I wanted to call Kelli, but she was gone for the day, and I didn’t want to bother her at home. I’d call Sawyer, but I’d been so awful to him, and I didn’t want him to gloat about being right.
I closed my eyes. Maybe this made sense. I was aware that a shooting permit would be needed. Maybe Vidal really did have his wallet stolen. I’d lost my purse more times than I could count. And my phone.
This was fine. I would not freak out.
“Of course, I understand. Send me the information, and I’ll pay it.”
He exhaled. “Thank you, doll.”
I cringed when he said doll. But that was how many photographers referred to models. There wasn’t anything wrong with that term.
“You’re welcome. Who’s meeting me at the airport?”
“His name is Manny. Then he will take you to the warehouse to meet me.”
The warehouse? Fuck. “You know, I was wondering if I could bring someone with me to the shoot. I would just feel safer.”
“Now, doll. That is not what the contract says. You agreed—”
Fuck. Sawyer was right. Something was way off. I shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable. I had just been so angry that Sawyer had told me what to do that I hadn’t listened to what he said.
“Well, you agreed to pay. The contract is void. I’m not coming.”
I hung up the phone, not even waiting for his response.
I didn’t feel sad. I felt relieved. But I was angry at myself.
I picked up the phone and called Sawyer. He answered on the first ring.
“Hey.”
“Hey. Look, I’m sorry about last night. I think you were right. I’m still in Pensacola. Will you come get me at the airport?”
“I’m on my way.”
Two Weeks Later
After the Vidal situation, I’d pulled back from social media. It turned out that he had scammed many other influencers. And even worse, he had sexually assaulted a few women. Many others had all been bilked out of money from fraudulent last-minute permit fees. I was hopeful that I could save at least one person from my fate by telling my story. So, I posted about it and had received an outpouring of support. But unfortunately, Vidal had not been found.
Sawyer hadn’t once rubbed my face in the fact that he had been right. He had apologized for telling me what to do and promised to work on his communication skills. He’d never been in a relationship before, so he was struggling on how to navigate his position in my life. And I got that. On my end, I promised to calmly listen to his concerns and try not to overreact. He was worth it, so I was happy to take the time to assure him that I wasn’t going anywhere.
Last week, I had accompanied Sawyer to Minnesota, which was absolutely beautiful. We had a wonderful time, and I had met the nicest people.
We spent Sawyer’s non-flying time sightseeing, but I no longer felt the need to hire a local photographer everywhere I went. I was still trying to figure out my true passion.
This week, we were back in Pensacola. Tonight, Sawyer had made me an amazing steak dinner. He was a great chef, which was wonderful because I was no Paloma. All night throughout dinner, a hunger of a different kind grew inside me. There was no more doubt. I loved Sawyer. Truly loved him like I’d never loved another soul.
I had to tell him.
He poured me a glass of wine, and I stared at him. He was so handsome. That first night at the Chinese restaurant he’d definitely felt as uncomfortable in my world as I’d felt in his. But over the past month, we’d grown together. He didn’t flinch when I took pictures of our meals, and I didn’t complain when he took me to a greasy burger joint.
We weren’t alike—no, we were way different. But somehow, we made sense.
“Babe, what’s up? You look distracted.”
I smiled. “I have something to tell you.”
His brow furrowed. “What is it? Please don’t tell me you have another gig that you have to go to alone.”
“No, it’s nothing like that. I learned my lesson.”
“Then what is it?”
I looked into his beautiful eyes. “I love you, Sawyer.”
A blank look graced his face, followed by a deafening silence.
Definitely not the reaction I was looking for. “Sawyer, did you hear me? I love you.”
“You sure?”
What kind of response was that? “Yes, I’m sure. I love you. I know it’s only been a month, but you’re wonderful. I have changed and grown so much since we met. I’m madly in love with you.”
“Cool.”
Cool? His tone was a bit icy, and honestly, my heart hurt not hearing him say he loved me back. I didn’t say it for him to repeat it, but even so, I felt he loved me.
I silently pouted. After dinner, we normally turned on Netflix and then made love all night.
But this night was different.
He put on his shoes and looked at me coldly.
“I have to take care of some business. I’ll be back later.”
I paused. “Business? A night flight?”
“I’m behind on some admin crap since we’ve been spending so much time together.”
I eyed him hard. Sawyer was never behind on any flight reports. He was the best pilot and super organized with paperwork, unlike me. Even Beck had complimented Sawyer on his attention to detail. Even worse, he was trying to blame me for not having time to work, which was ridiculous. I never once interfered with this job.
But I understood he needed to process what I said to him. I was not going to freak out, yet. “Okay. I love you.”
“Don’t wait up.”
Damn, he didn’t even kiss me goodbye. That was a first.
My heart constricted and sadness overtook me.
I walked into the bedroom and took out a scrapbook that I had been making. It had all our pictures together—ones I hadn’t posted on social media. Every meal we ate was depicted here, including the dumplings.
I looked at a picture of him looking at me with love in his eyes.
It didn’t matter to me that he wouldn’t admit it.
I knew he loved me.
And for now, that would have to be enough.
Chapter 25
Sawyer
I walked out of my place, got into my Tesla, and drove straight to the nearest bar.
Sol loved me?
What the fuck? How could she love me? She didn’t even know me.
I never wanted that. Ever. I’d told her from day one that I didn’t do relationships. I had her sweet, tight, virgin pussy so strong on my brain that I couldn’t think straight. I should’ve never asked her to be my girlfriend.
I don’t want that life. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone but myself.
I called Beck.
“What’s up?”
“I just wanted to make sure that you never changed my orders.”
Beck paused. I didn’t want him question
ing me. Not tonight.
“I haven’t finalized them yet. I thought you might reconsider. Maybe you could get stationed with me in San Diego. Paloma and Sol really seemed to like each other.”
“I don’t want to go to San Diego. I want to go to Japan.”
“Are you okay, Huck? Did you guys break up?”
“No, man the opposite. She just told me she loved me.”
“Ah. And you freaked out. Look, you aren’t going to fuck this up. You’re a better man when you’re with her. A good man, in fact. And you’re happy with her. You don’t have to propose or anything. Just see where it goes.”
I’d had enough of this shit. “Look, Daly. I don’t need you or Sol psychoanalyzing me. I never led anyone on. I don’t want to settle down. Finalize my fucking orders.”
“You’re making a mistake, man. I can tell you love her.”
“No, Beck. You made a mistake thinking I could change. You’ve been right about me from day one. I’m a jackass. I don’t care about Sol. I don’t care about you. I only care about myself.”
I hung up the phone. I arrived at the bar and ordered a shot of bourbon. I had to end it with Sol. No hard feelings, but it, whatever it was, had run its course. I didn’t want to be with her anymore. I just wanted to be alone.
Chapter 26
Sol
I paced around Sawyer’s place. He’d never once gone out all night and not returned my calls. I must’ve spooked him by telling him I loved him.
I waited up for him and tried to distract myself with shows on Netflix. I had to talk to him tonight. I couldn’t sleep anyway.
He finally waltzed in the door at two-thirty in the morning, liquor on his breath. I was at least relieved that he’d taken an Uber home and hadn’t driven drunk.
I wasn’t going to nag. He didn’t need accusations. And I was certain he hadn’t cheated on me. He wouldn’t stoop that low.
I greeted him with a kiss. “Hey, you okay? Do you want to talk?”
“Don’t start with me, Sol.”
Well, then. I wasn’t going to let him talk to me like that. “What does that mean? Why are you acting like this? Because I told you I love you? I do love you, even though you’re being a major dick right now.”
“Why do you love me?”
“Why? So many reasons. I love the way you make me feel. How you see through me. How I can relax and be myself around you. I can’t do that with anyone else in my life. I love the sweet and kind way you interact with your fans. I love the way you command an airplane. I love the way you protect me. I love the way you kiss me.”
He turned away. “Well, this has gone on too long. I was clear with you from day one. I don’t want to lead you on. I like you a lot, but I don’t love you, Sol. This isn’t real to me. You were a challenge. We had our fun, but I have orders to Japan next year. Unaccompanied. I think we should just end it now before I hurt you further.”
I blinked back the tears that were forming. He didn’t mean those awful words coming out of his mouth. I knew he loved me. He was just afraid. He’d never been in love.
“That hurts, but no, I won’t let you get rid of me. You’re trying to hurt me to protect yourself. I’ve seen the real you, Sawyer. You aren’t an asshole. And I know you love me by your actions.”
His brow furrowed. “Didn’t Veronica teach you anything? I am that guy. I just wanted to fuck you, Sol. To be your first. To pop your cherry—I’d never been with a virgin. It was a challenge, and it was great. But I don’t care about you. I don’t care about anyone but myself. I’m a selfish prick.”
Oh, how I hated his words, but he was lashing out. “Why are you pushing me away? Why are you lying to me? You love me, Sawyer. Admit it.”
“I don’t! I told you from day one this would never ever work. I’m in the military. I’m a Marine, a Blue Angel, a fighter pilot. I don’t want a wife, I never did.”
“I’m not asking to marry you tomorrow. But everything was going so great, so I told you I loved you and you just flipped. That’s not a coincidence. I should’ve waited. I knew that you couldn’t handle it. So much for all your, ‘I’m so real’ bullshit. I’m the one who’s being real now, and you can’t handle it.”
He scoffed. “Whatever, Sol. You’re using me, too.”
“Really, how so? Enlighten me.”
“I’m your hot Instagram pilot boyfriend. You love to take pictures of me and parade me around, but you don’t want to know the real me. What happened to me.”
My voice dropped. “What are you talking about?”
His fists clenched and his face reddened.
“How my mom left me, how her boyfriends, how they . . . ” His voice trailed off.
His silence was deafening.
I walked over to him. “What, Sawyer? What did they do to you?”
“They beat me. They left me outside to rot while they were inside fucking my mom. They touched me, dammit. And I was so lonely, I craved their attention. Is that what you want to hear? I hate myself. I don’t know how to be a good man. I will cheat on you. I will. I fuck to numb the pain. It’s only a matter of time. I’m not who you think I am. I told you I’m a bad man, but you wouldn’t listen, just like you aren’t listening right now.”
My heart shattered into a million pieces. This broken boy didn’t believe he was worthy of love.
“You’re everything I think you are and more. You’re kind and smart and loving. I see you with the kids who come to the show. I’m so sorry all those awful things happened to you Sawyer, but you beat the odds and succeeded. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever met. You deserve love, Sawyer. And I love you dammit.”
“No. I don’t want you to love me. You need to go.”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
He gave me a blank stare. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m doing.”
I blinked back the sudden rush of tears in my eyes and tried to remain calm.
“I know you love me. If we could just take a step back—”
“No, I don’t. I just want you to leave.”
“You don’t mean that. We were planning a winter getaway earlier today before I told you I love you, and now you want to dump me? You love me.”
“Dammit, Sol! Why do you have to be so narcissistic all the time? You only see what you want to see. Your world isn’t reality. You live in la-la land. Well, the world isn’t perfect, it’s a fucking mess like me, and you know it.”
“At least I’m not afraid of putting myself out there and getting hurt, because getting hurt only means that you tried to get the best reward—which is love.”
“If I fall in love with you, then what? You will just leave me.”
“I will never leave you.”
“Everyone leaves me.”
“I won’t. My parents have been married for twenty-four years, and they didn’t leave. I stick—I’m like peanut butter. Just let me love you.”
He took a moment and stared at me. For a moment, I thought he would come back to me, but he turned around, and just like that, he slipped away.
“No. I can’t. I don’t want to. You need to go.”
My compassion turned to rage. “I never expected you to be a coward, Sawyer. Now I see you for who you are. You’re nothing more than a scared little boy. I’m scared too. I’m such a mess with not knowing my purpose in life right now. But together we can be whole, and I love you, dammit.”
“I don’t love you.”
“Keep telling yourself that. So now what? Are you going to go back to womanizing? Call Veronica?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
“You’re better than that.”
“No, I’m not.”
I looked at his blue eyes, and they were icier than they had ever looked before. It was as if his heart had just slammed the door on me just as soon as I’d found a way in.
Sawyer was right. I had to leave.
I went into the bedroom and packed my things. Thirty minutes later, I walked out to the living
room. Sawyer was sitting on the sofa.
I leaned down and kissed his forehead. “Bye, Huck. I love you, and you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
I called an Uber and went to the airport, where I bought a first-class ticket back to San Francisco.
Back to my perfect fake life. Back to where I didn’t have to feel anything.
Chapter 27
Sawyer
One month later
I was back on the air show circuit. I hadn’t called Sol once. I was such an asshole. I hated myself. But it was better this way.
But not calling didn’t mean that I wasn’t thinking about her.
It was quite the opposite. I was a fucking mess. The only time I could concentrate was when I was in the air. But the second I touched down, all I could think about was Sol.
And she had been right—I did love her.
But it didn’t matter. We weren’t right for each other. She wanted a traditional life. To get married like her parents. Have kids. The dog and the picket fence. I didn’t want that. I wanted to travel. I needed to be free to fly.
I hadn’t even fucked anyone else. I had completely lost my game, not that I wanted to hook up. After having meaningful sex with Sol, my regular one-night stands just didn’t appeal to me.
But tonight, I was going to get back in the game.
We were in Michigan, one of my favorite stops on the tour.
And more importantly, I’d get to see Miss Cherry.
Five years ago, after Lila had been crowned Miss Cherry, we had holed up together for three wild nights. I hadn’t even been an Angel yet, but I had come that year to see the show when I was in town. Lila and I had been on fire. We barely came up for air. She was a wildcat. And our chemistry was off the chain.
She was just what I needed to get over Sol.
I texted Miss Cherry, and she met up with me at the hotel bar. She still looked amazing—long red hair with matching red lipstick.
“Hey, Sawyer. Don’t you look sexy? Did you miss me? I missed you.”
Blue Moon (Blue Devils Book 2) Page 13