I cringed. No, I hadn’t. I missed Sol.
“Sit down. I ordered you a drink.”
She grabbed my thigh, but I pushed her hand off. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t even handle another woman touching me. I needed another drink.
“I’ll skip the drink. I’ll do tequila shots off your abs later. Why don’t we go back to the hotel now? I just want to suck your cock.”
Whoa. Normally, I’d be turned on by her aggression, but this time, it felt cheap. “What’s the rush? Let’s hang out a bit. How’ve you been?”
She rolled her eyes. “Dammit, Huck. I don’t have all night. I couldn’t find a sitter for my son, so he’s waiting in the lobby. So, let’s get on with it. We both know what we want.”
I recoiled from her, and a bitter taste pooled in my mouth. Her son? He was here? Waiting for her to fuck me so he could go home and go to sleep?
Oh my god. What am I doing? Who have I become?
My skin grew clammy, and I became disorientated like I’d done one too many flips in my plane. Instead of seeing Miss Cherry in front of me, I saw my mom.
What the fuck.
I snapped myself out of it. I needed to get out of here. Back to Sol. Beg her to take me back. She had been right about me. I was afraid.
And I did love her.
But first, I needed to do something.
“I want to meet your son.”
“What? Why?”
“I just do. I have something for him. Take me to him, okay?”
She shrugged her shoulders, and we headed to the lobby in silence.
Sitting alone, playing on an older model phone was a boy about the age of four. When he saw his mom, he shuddered.
“I’m sorry, Mama. I didn’t disturb nobody. I was quiet.”
“Stop talking. My friend wants to meet you.”
My boyhood passed before my eyes. Sitting in lobbies, dropped off at friends’ houses and forgotten, sitting outside until it was pitch black outside, each time waiting for my mom to entertain her friends.
But then I looked closer at this boy. This blond-haired lad with light-blue eyes and a sad smile.
It couldn’t be.
I whispered to Lila, “How old is he?”
“Four.”
My chest constricted. Four. I had slept with her five years ago.
I took a step back. Could this boy be my son? The math worked out.
“Lila, could he be my kid?”
She looked at me with a cold-stone stare. “I don’t know. Maybe. I was with a lot of guys at that time.”
My world was closing in on me. “How could you not tell me that I could be a father? You have my number. We used condoms. I always use condoms.” Without fail. Because I never, ever wanted to bring a child into the world and abandon him the way my father abandoned me.
“Well, I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t going to ask a bunch of men to take DNA tests.” She looked at her boy, without a single hint of maternal love. “If he’s yours, you can take him.”
“Wait, what? You want to give away your son?”
“Hey. I said if he’s yours. I’m struggling really bad right now. I don’t have time for him. I don’t have close family to help out with him, and I want to travel. I never wanted to be a mother.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “How could you just offer to give him up? Don’t you love him?” I raised my voice, and I realized that I was yelling at my mom as much as I was yelling at Lila.
“Hey, you have no idea what this has been like for me. Being a parent sucks. I wish I’d never had him. If I had figured out who his dad was years ago, I would’ve given up my parental rights then and there. But I didn’t. I never thought it was you because we used protection, but you’re right, he does look like you. The summer that I was crowned Miss Cherry, I was with so many men. His dad could be anyone. But if he’s your boy, and you want to raise him, be my guest. I want my freedom back. I’d never hurt him, but I’m not cut out to be a mom.”
I never prayed. Ever. But I made a silent prayer that this boy was really my son.
“What’s his name?”
“Neil.”
Neil. Like Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon.
Was this a sign?
“Can I talk to him?”
“Knock yourself out.”
I knelt down next to him, this little boy who could possibly be my son. “Hey, buddy. My name is Sawyer. I’m a Blue Angel. Do you know what that is?”
His eyes widened. “You fly in those crazy planes and do flips?”
“Yes. Would you like to see my plane?”
“Really? You’d take me?”
“Yes. We’ll go tomorrow. Until then, I have something for you.”
I handed him a small metal Blue Angel plane I had stashed in my pocket. He beamed.
“Thank you! Mama, look!”
Lila ignored him, and my throat burned.
“You’re welcome. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I stood up, my mind racing.
“Hey, do you have his DNA on file?”
“Yeah, I did 23andMe to try to find his dad. No luck.”
Wait, my DNA was on 23andMe, as well. I’d tried to find my own dad but had never found any leads. “I have mine uploaded. We would’ve matched. Can we check again?”
And there in the lobby, on our phones, we compared DNA test results. It was sadly not a match. A deep wave of disappointment washed over me.
But this boy needed me.
And quite possibly, I needed him more.
Lila shrugged. “Well, too bad. I may put him in foster care. I just need a break.”
I took her hand. “Would you seriously have given him to me if I was his bio- dad?”
She shrugged. “Yeah, why not? You’re a military pilot. I could’ve gotten back child support. He doesn’t even have healthcare. But you’re not, so I’m shit out of luck. I can never catch a break.”
Catching a break would be giving up her son? How could she be so callous about him? But then again, my mom hadn’t cared about me either.
“Well, what’s changed? What if . . .” I couldn’t believe I was about to say this, but I continued. “What if I wanted to adopt him? I don’t care that he’s not biologically mine. He needs someone who loves him. My mom didn’t want me either. And I knew. It was painful.”
Her jaw dropped open. “You would honestly raise a child who wasn’t yours? I’m confused. You want to be with me and be his stepdad?”
Not just no, but hell no. Though I did realize that I must’ve been drawn to her in the past because she reminded me of my own mother. Beck was right—I did need therapy.
“No, Lila. I don’t want to be with you. And I’m sorry I texted you tonight. I’d been seeing someone up until recently, and I fell in love with her. But I got scared, so I ghosted her. I didn’t realize that until now. She makes me want to be a better person. But when I saw your little boy, I had an epiphany. I overcame all these obstacles in my life, not to be a Blue Angel, but to help other people. And I want to help your son. And . . .”
I took a deep breath.
I had to do this. Five minutes ago, she was willing to give this boy to me based on a DNA test. She was considering foster care. And I knew from our nights together, she liked to get high.
Who knew where this boy would end up? He could be beaten, neglected, or molested, just like I had been. I may not be his biological dad, but I was meant to be placed in his path.
This was exactly why I had become a Blue Angel. I just hadn’t known it.
Until now.
“If you’re serious about wanting to give him up for adoption or place him in foster care, I’d like to raise him. You can still see him whenever you want. But he needs a stable home.”
She hugged me and began to cry. “Sawyer Roberts. You truly are an Angel. I knew you were a great man the second I met you. Honestly, I just want to be free. Move to the Virgin Islands. Reclaim the last five years. Find my
self. If you’re serious, you’d be a lifesaver. To him and me both. He’s a good boy. I wish I didn’t resent him. God knows I’ve tried to love him, but I just don’t have it in me to love him the way a mother should.”
Her words crushed me. Had my own mom resented me?
“I’m serious. We can figure out what we need to do legally. I’ll even pay for the attorney’s fees.” I looked over at Neil. “Meet me here tomorrow, and I’ll take him to see my plane.”
I said good night to Neil and then went to my room, alone.
And I immediately made plans to go get Sol back.
Chapter 28
Sol
Normally, the view of the bridge from my balcony calmed me, but now all I could see was Sawyer.
Sawyer everywhere. Flying overhead. Making my heart soar. Drowning me in ecstasy.
Over the past month, I’d picked up the phone so many times and called him, but he’d never answered.
Maybe he’d blocked me?
But I didn’t regret what I had done, or what I had said to him. Maybe he was right—it would never work out. He was in the military; he would deploy, maybe he would cheat on me.
But in my heart, I knew it could work out. And we could be happy. Together.
On my end, I’d told Kelli I needed a break. She said that wasn’t possible, so I fired her. And my followers dropped.
And that was how I learned I was truly alone.
I’d been feeling alone for years, with no real friends to call, and no one who really cared about me. Sure, Raine did, but she wasn’t local, and she was almost always busy. I’d been so focused on my followers and my fake life that I had never really felt this emptiness before.
Hollow.
Numb.
Shallow.
I scrolled through my phone and couldn’t even think of anyone to call. Not a single person I could invite to coffee. No family to call and say hi—my parents were off traveling on another one of their cruises.
This time they hadn’t even said goodbye.
I didn’t even have a pet. The only time I’d even considered getting a pet was when I wanted to adopt this odd-eyed cat I’d seen. He was gorgeous—one golden eye and one blue eye. Why had I wanted him? Was it because I wanted a companion? Wanted to save his life from a high-kill shelter?
No. I wish I could say that, but it would’ve been a lie.
The only reason I’d wanted that cat was because I believed I could make him an Instagram star and grow my following.
And now I had lost everything.
No wonder Sawyer didn’t love me. He saw right through me. I was a joke.
The only way I even knew what Sawyer was up to was by following the #blueangels hashtag on Instagram and occasionally seeing him tagged in other people’s photos.
I was so pathetic.
I didn’t have a clue what to do.
I tried to get a hold of myself, but I burst into tears. There had to be someone else I could talk to, someone who would understand my anxiety, but I couldn’t think of anyone. The irony of my life was that I had one million followers and not a single friend in the world.
I went into the bathroom and drew myself a warm bath, adding a capful of bubbles. Here I had these beautiful things—a soaking tub, a driftwood bath caddy, and luxurious spa essentials. But I took little joy in my life anymore.
I just wanted to be liked for me. For who I was, not what I could do for someone, or how I could promote his business. I wanted to be liked in my grungy sweats with no makeup and no filters. Like Sawyer liked me.
I was about to slip into the bubbles and sob when I heard a distant song.
“You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling.”
My pulse accelerated. Oh my god! It couldn’t be.
I wrapped a towel around me and sprinted to the door. I looked through the peephole and Sawyer was standing outside, in his uniform, serenading me.
I couldn’t even move, I was frozen.
“Sol, open up. It’s me.”
Chapter 29
Sawyer
Sol stood in front of me in one of my old T-shirts I’d given her and some baggy sweats with tears running down her face. How could I have ever left her?
“What are you doing here?”
“Sol, I love you. I’m so sorry about how I behaved. You were right about me. I was scared. I was a total fucking coward. I didn’t believe you could really love me. But this last month without you has been the worst month of my life. I missed you so much, babe. And I swear to you, I haven’t been with anyone else. I love you. Please forgive me.”
She blinked and wiped her eyes with her hand.
“What? No. You were right. I’m a fucking mess. Why would you love me? I’m a narcissist. I’m fake. You deserve better than me. I should be apologizing to you.”
I wrapped my arms around her. “No, you’re everything. You’re beautiful and patient and loving and sweet and smart. I didn’t even know how much I loved you until you were gone.”
“Well, that was an act. For my followers. I have no friends. Even my parents never see me. I have no one, Sawyer. At least you have your squad. Declan and Beck love you. I’m fake. No one knows me—I don’t even know who I am.”
I held her as tightly as I could. “I do, Sol, I do. I love the way your lip crinkles when you are mad, and the way you tug your hair when you are nervous. I love the way you put me in my place when I’m an asshole and the way you worry about me when I’m flying. I love you, Sol. Not Solana San Francisco. Not your fake-ass pictures, but I love you.”
She sobbed in my arms. “I hate myself, Sawyer, I do. You have a purpose in life. You’re a fucking hero, and I do nothing. You were right about me the first day we met. I’m a joke, a fucking joke. You deserve better than me.”
Hearing her say those words gutted me. She was everything to me, yet she felt so empty. And instead of being there for her, I had added to her anxiety. I didn’t deserve her.
“Don’t say that. You totally changed me. Before I met you, I never wanted any relationship. I just fucked to feel good, to numb the pain, but I never felt anything, Sol. Nothing, until you. You made me feel alive, more alive than being in that fucking plane. I’m a new man because of you. I love you.”
And finally, she broke. After all that denial and emotion, she wrapped her arms around me, kissing me, healing me with her touch.
“God, I’m sorry. I’m a wreck. I love you so much. You gutted me when you dumped me. I had never been so sure of anything. I can’t believe you are back here.”
I kissed my woman and vowed this time to never let her go. No matter what.
I threw her down on her sofa. Every time we’d had sex it had been so sweet and loving. But this time, I wanted to show her how much I loved her, how much I needed her, how she was my whole world.
I took off my clothes, undressed her, and climbed on top of her. My mouth covered hers and our kisses were almost manic, insatiable. I couldn’t get enough. I rubbed her pussy, and she was soaking wet.
I quickly rolled on a condom, grabbed my cock, and plowed into my baby. She groaned when I took her deep. God, she was still so fucking tight. I was worried she wouldn’t like my roughness, my urgency, my desire, but Sol attacked me back, gripping my ass, urging me deeper into her.
I looked into her eyes. “I love you so fucking much.”
“I love you too.”
I fucked her harder, faster, as I sucked on her tits. Her breath sped up, and my baby was so close. I rubbed her clit and slammed into her over and over, again and again until she came all over my cock.
Sol had been right—sex was the best when you were in love.
After we’d recovered, I threw the condom in the trash and sat back on the sofa.
I pulled her to me and stroked her hair.
“Sol, I need to tell you something.”
A look of horror crossed her face. “Are you still going to Japan?”
I shook my head. “No, I changed my orders to San Diego. I wante
d to live near Beck and Paloma. I’m hoping you will move down with me.”
“Of course, I will. What changed your mind?”
“You. I want to be with you. I don’t want to deploy. As an Angel, I have my pick of duty station. We will have three years together there while I train young pilots.”
She beamed. “Wow. That will be cool.”
I exhaled. I needed to tell her the truth. “Also, I need to tell you something else.”
“What?”
“If this scares you or you don’t want to be a part of my life, I understand. But I need to be honest.”
She held my hand. “Tell me. Do you have a kid?”
Man, she could read me like a book. “It’s not what you think. There’s this boy, but he’s not my biological son. It’s a long story. But he reminds me of me. I want to adopt him. But I need you to know that this is not why I’m getting back together with you. You’re young. If you aren’t ready to be a mom, that’s fine. We can take our time and even live separately if you want. I don’t want to be with another woman. I can raise him on my own if I have to. The adoption will take six months to get finalized. But I want to be his father.”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes. Fuck, I screwed up again. I should’ve told her before we’d made love.
“Sawyer, I didn’t think it was possible, but I love you even more.”
Chapter 30
Sol
A few months later
I’d settled in quite nicely in Sawyer’s home in Pensacola. We still planned to move to San Diego, but his orders were a few months away.
Sawyer was in the process of adopting Neil, though unfortunately due to interstate adoption rules, the little boy still resided in Michigan. Sawyer and I flew up every week on his days off. He was the sweetest little boy, and I was blessed to have him in my life. If Sawyer proposed to me, I would happily raise Neil.
Lila wanted to terminate all parental rights and not have any visitation. I couldn’t fathom wanting to turn my back on my child, but I truly believed all women had the freedom to choose any path they wanted. I didn’t judge Lila. She had never wanted a baby and had done the best she could. But after hearing Sawyer talk about his own mom, I realized that some women weren’t cut out to be mothers. And that was okay. I was just grateful that Sawyer wanted to step up and give this little boy the happy home that Sawyer had never had.
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