She sat down across from me, still staring at me. “You’re here. You’re really here.”
“I am. Why?”
She reached out and touched my hand. “I’m so sorry. I cannot tell you how sorry I am for leaving you. I thought I was doing what was best for you.”
“You left me?” I repeated.
While I had figured out she had left, to hear her admit it was like a knife to the heart.
“I had to,” she whispered. “He would have killed us both.”
“You knew he was abusive, and you left me with him?” I asked, rage burning deep in my gut.
“He was never violent towards you. He loved you. I knew he did, but he hated me. One day, I had a late shift at the restaurant. I came home from work, and the two of you were gone. He left a note that said not to follow, or he would kill you. I believed him. I knew he would kill you to hurt me.”
I shook my head. “Why didn’t you call the police?”
“I was terrified he would follow through with his promise to kill you if I tried anything. I did search for you. We lived not too far from where I live now.”
“I lived in West Virginia?” I asked with surprise.
She smiled and nodded. “You did. We all did. Your dad worked in the mines when we met. Things were good between us in the beginning. We always talked about escaping the mining and getting away to somewhere warm like Florida or Arizona. Things got bad shortly after I became pregnant with you. It was as if a switch had been flipped. He was so full of rage. He would beat me for no reason. I tried to get away. I tried to hide, but he always found me.”
I gulped down the lump in my throat. I knew how violent my father could be. I had lived it firsthand. “What about me? Why wouldn’t you take me with you?”
She shook her head. “I wanted to. There were nights he would come home drunk and he’d slap me around. He’d look at you sleeping in your crib, and he would get this evil look in his eye. He threatened to hurt you if I wouldn’t do what he demanded. He was a sick, twisted man. I believe he hated me. He didn’t hate you, but you were a weapon he could wield against me.”
“How old was I when you left?” I asked, the bitterness still on my tongue.
She let out a long sigh. “You were almost two. You were such a sweet, beautiful girl. I loved you with all my heart.”
“But you left me,” I said, not ready to give her any way out of her decision.
“Baby, I didn’t leave you,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “He took you away from me. If I would have chased you, he would have known, and I know without a doubt he would have hurt you. He would have followed through with his promise to kill you. I couldn’t live with the thought of him hurting you because of me. I did what I thought was the right thing to do, and I stayed away. It killed me to know you were out there somewhere and I couldn’t hold you. I prayed every night that God would keep you safe. My life has been empty. I’ve never been able to move beyond the loss of my child. Even if you weren’t gone from this earth, you were gone to me, and it absolutely destroyed me.”
Tears were running down her cheeks as she held my hand in hers. I understood her fear. “He did it to me,” I whispered.
“Did what?” she asked, her face going pale.
“He told me if I ever left, he would find me and kill me.”
“I’m so sorry. Did he…” She didn’t ask the question, but I knew what she was saying.
I nodded my head. “He beat me. When he was drunk, it was worse. When I got older, I learned to hide better.”
She burst into open sobs. I no longer felt the need to cry when I spoke about my childhood. That part of me was dead. It was like I was talking about someone else. The pain I had felt in those moments when he would slap me or kick me was gone and forgotten.
“I’m sorry. Oh god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. If I would have known—”
“You’d come and find me and get us both killed?” I asked her, my voice lacking emotion.
Whenever I spoke about my father or the life he’d given me, that was how it was. I had shut it down, blocked it out, and refused to feel anything for him or that life ever again. It took up too much real estate in my brain to let those memories in.
“Is he still alive?” she asked, her voice full of hate and anger.
I shrugged a shoulder. “I’m sure he is.”
“You got away?”
I nodded. “Almost three years ago. I’ve been living in Greece.”
Her eyes widened before she broke into watery laughter. “I guess that’s one way to put some distance between the two of you.”
I smiled. “Yep. He didn’t have a passport, and I’m sure with his record, no one was going to let him on a plane.”
“I’m sorry. I should have tried harder. I failed you. My heart hurts thinking about the pain you endured.”
“It’s fine. It’s over.”
She slowly shook her head. “You’re a survivor, but it is never over. I lived it. I know what you went through. Those scars are always there. Little things will always trigger a memory. You lived with it a lot longer than I did. You don’t have to pretend to be anything other than what you really are.”
Her words nearly got to me. She was right. So many things triggered a violent memory that would leave me shaking and terrified. “I’m working through it. I don’t think about it or him.”
She offered a small smile. “That’s a good first step. Have you talked with anyone?”
“What do you mean?”
“A counselor. Have you been able to talk with a professional to help you deal with the trauma?”
I wrinkled my nose. “No. I’m seriously okay. I have a great friend who pulled me out of that hell hole. I’m doing fine. I really am.”
“Okay, I won’t hound you. I can’t believe you’re really here. So many nights I have dreamed about seeing you again, holding you and being your mom. I’ve missed you.” Tears welled in her eyes again. “Where have you been? Where did he take you?”
“Texas,” I answered. “All over Texas.”
“Oh,” she said, nodding. “I did ask around here, discreetly of course, but no one had any idea where he was. When he left, I think the entire town had a party. He was not well liked.”
“I can’t imagine why. He is such a nice drunk.”
“I wish I would have seen the signs before I ever let myself get together with him. As happy as I am to have you, I hate that you were born into such a disaster. It wasn’t fair to you. I pray you can understand my reasons for being absent from your life. I swear I thought I was doing what was best for you.” Her eyes pleaded with mine.
“I’m not sure what to think right now,” I told her. “This has all been very overwhelming. I thought you were dead all this time.”
She slapped a hand over her mouth. “Dead! He told you I was dead?”
I nodded. “Usually. When he wanted to be especially mean, he told me you left me because I was a bad girl. He said all kinds of things meant to hurt. When I got a little older, I learned not to ask about you. I never knew what the truth was. I only found out a couple days ago.”
“Wow, you must be reeling,” she said.
I nodded. “You have no idea.”
“Please stay,” she said. “There is so much to talk about. I have some banana bread.”
In that moment, it hit me—I was talking to my mother.
Chapter 33
Rand
I had checked my grandfather’s estate and was told she hadn’t been at work all week. That immediately set off alarm bells. I had immediately gone to her apartment, only to find no one home. I had called her at least a hundred times. I was truly worried something was wrong. If I didn’t find her at her apartment today, I was going to start checking the hospitals. I was that worried.
I knocked on her apartment door and waited, praying she opened the damn thing and give me an earful. I would take it. I would listen to everything she said, and then I would apologize for
being an idiot. I just hoped she would understand. I heard the door handle turn. Relief flooded me. It was a short-lived relief.
“Hi,” I greeted her roommate. “Is Nicole here?”
The woman shook her head. “Nope.”
I frowned. “Will she be home later?”
Another shake. “Nope.”
Obviously, Nicole had told her I was an asshole, and this was my punishment for being a jerk. I could take it. I deserved it. “Where is she?”
She heaved a heavy sigh and opened the door, gesturing for me to walk inside. “You better sit down.”
I didn’t like the sound of that. I took a seat on the lumpy couch and waited for her to take a seat. “What’s going on?” I asked.
“Nicole is upset with you,” she replied.
I rolled my eyes. “I know.”
“Do you know why?” she pressed.
I figured if anyone knew about her situation, it would be her roommate. “Is she pregnant?” I asked, getting right to the point.
“Why do you ask?” She answered my question with a question, which I found to be very suspect.
“Because I would like to know. She didn’t tell me, but let’s just say I’ve been led to believe she might be. Is she? Do you know?” I was prepared to beg if that was what it took.
“I don’t think I should be getting involved in this. You guys need to talk about this.” She pretty much echoed exactly what Bella had said.
I closed my eyes, my shoulders sagging. “Please. I didn’t know. When she talked to me about being a mom, I had no idea she was pregnant. It never once crossed my mind. I know I sounded like an ass, and I want to talk to her. I want to apologize, but I don’t know if she’s pregnant. Why won’t someone just tell me?”
“Why don’t you ask her? Try talking to her.”
“I’ve tried!” I burst out the words, frustration making me crazy.
“Oh,” she said, looking a little surprised. “You called her?”
I nodded. “Yes, hundreds of times. Okay, maybe not hundreds, but a lot and I left messages. She knows I’m trying to reach her. She hasn’t been to work. I’ve checked. I came by yesterday, but no one was here.”
Alena looked absolutely pained. “I’m sorry. This is not a situation I want to be in the middle of. I don’t think you’re a bad guy, but she’s having a tough time right now.”
“I know. And no, I’m not a bad guy. I’m going to be here for her and the baby, if there is a baby. Is there a baby?” I asked again, infusing my voice with a touch of begging.
“Yes.”
I stared at her. “Yes, she’s pregnant?” I repeated, my mouth dry.
She nodded. “She took one of those tests and confirmed it.”
“Holy shit,” I breathed out the words.
It was one thing to think she was pregnant and for Bella to suggest it, but now, knowing for sure, my mind was reeling. It was crazy to think of either one of us being parents. Hell, I could barely take care of myself most days.
Nicole would do fine. I knew she’d be the one to carry the weight of the parenting. Holy shit. I didn’t know if there were stages of acceptance that you were going to become a daddy, but I felt like I had graduated to step two, only to get kicked back to step one with the actual confirmation. Truth be told, I’d been through a few pregnancy scares in the past. They’d always turned out to be false alarms. Not this time. This was not a drill. This was the real thing.
Holy shit.
“Are you okay? You look a little pale.” Alena’s face was full of concern.
“I’m fine.”
“Let me get you some water. I don’t know CPR, and you are kind of older. I don’t want you to have a heart attack or something.” She rose up and moved into the kitchen.
“I’m not old,” I defended.
“Maybe not, but I think you just aged like thirty years in the blink of an eye. Did you really not think this could happen?” Her tone was a little condescending.
“Yes, I knew it could happen,” I grumbled, not appreciating her version of Adrian’s same speech.
“Here,” she said, handing me the glass of water.
I took a drink, easing my parched throat. “Where is she dammit? I’m tired of playing games. Just tell me where to find her—please,” I added.
“She isn’t here,” Alena said, hedging a little too much for my comfort.
“Yeah, I can see that. Where is she? Did she get a hotel?”
She slowly shook her head. “I took her to the airport Tuesday. She went home.”
I stared at her, blinking rapidly as my brain processed the words. “Home? Like Texas home?”
“No, to see her mother.”
“Holy shit! Why didn’t she tell me!” I jumped to my feet and ran my hand through my hair.
“I think she always knew she was going to go meet the woman,” she answered with a shrug. “Maybe she thought you knew. I knew she was going to go.”
“But why didn’t she tell me? I told her I would be there! I told her I would support her. We said we were a team.”
“I don’t know. I have no answers for you. All I can tell you is she flew out on Tuesday. She texted me and let me know she made it safely and had rented a car to go find her mother. That’s all I know.”
“Did she say when she was coming back?” I asked, my mind already calculating my next move.
“No.”
I studied her face, fear boiling deep in my gut as the lone word echoed through my head. “Is she coming back?”
My heart was pounding, and my palms were sweaty as I waited for Alena to answer me. I wasn’t sure how I would cope with her being gone forever. She couldn’t be gone forever. I forbade it. She was carrying my child.
“I honestly don’t know,” Alena said softly.
I felt the breath leave my lungs in one long swoosh. “I don’t understand,” I whispered. “Why wouldn’t she tell me?”
“I’m sorry. She needs some time. I’m sure she’ll call you soon. Let her work through this.”
“I’m not going to let her work through anything by herself,” I said adamantly. “I’m here. She isn’t alone.”
“Does she know that?” Alena asked.
“Yes! I mean, she knows I would be there for her when it comes to handling her mother, but I didn’t know about the baby. That is something I am going to talk to her about, and I think I’d like to do that face to face. She should have told me.”
“I’m not sure how long she’s going to be gone. I think if it goes well with her mother, it could be a while. If it doesn’t go well, then she’ll likely come back. I don’t think she’d go home to Texas.” Alena’s face was grim. “That would not end well.”
I ignored the last bit. I was too focused on what I had to do. “Thanks. I’ve got to go. If you talk to her, don’t tell her you’ve talked to me.” I walked around the couch and made my way toward the door.
“What? I can’t lie to her!”
“You don’t have to lie. Just don’t tell her I was here or that you told me anything,” I said as I closed the door behind me.
I jogged down the stairs, my phone in one hand, the keys to my car in the other. I hit the button to unlock the doors, climbing in and calling the airline at the same time. I booked myself the first flight out of the city, only irritated it was still going to take me a day to get to her. I had no idea if I would even find her. I had a vague memory of the address in West Virginia, but I couldn’t afford to take a chance. I called the attorney as soon as I got off the phone with the airline.
I rushed home, quickly tossed some clothes in a carry-on, and headed for the airport. I hoped I wasn’t too late. Something was telling me to hurry. I couldn’t explain the feeling, but I had to get to her and fast. I hated knowing we were on different continents. I hated being apart from her. I wasn’t sure when it happened, but I had come to expect her to be around. It was startling to realize I was in a relationship. An actual, real live, adult relationship.
/> I understood how it happened to Adrian. One day, you’re a bachelor, and the next, you want to spend all your time with one woman. It was definitely a sneak attack, but a good one. At least, it would be good if I could figure out how to keep her in my life. I didn’t want to imagine my future without her in it. I knew we had a lot to talk about, and I needed to be honest with her. She deserved to know who the man who fathered her child really was. If she would have me, then I would do everything I could to be the man she needed to get through the whole child-rearing thing.
I could do it. Demokritos could fuck off. I wasn’t going to let him dictate my life. My past was not my future, I repeated to myself, something my grandfather had told me often. I couldn’t let my past keep me from living.
It was time to figure out how to move on, and I was hoping like hell Nicole would be beside me as I did.
Chapter 34
Nicole
It was strange to watch my mother cooking me breakfast. Strange and surreal. I almost whipped out my phone to take a picture of the moment to remember forever. Then I realized it wasn’t a memory I would ever forget.
I had slept in her guest bedroom last night after she’d insisted I stay with her. I didn’t exactly have a huge slush fund to dip into, and the closest hotel that was remotely worth staying at was over twenty miles away. I had been exhausted after my travels and finally took her up on the offer. I didn’t regret it.
“You don’t have to go through all the trouble,” I told her.
She turned to look at me, a huge smile on her face. “Hon, this is not trouble. This is something I have dreamed about doing for twenty years. I will very happily stand here and cook twenty meals for you. I owe you at least a thousand meals.”
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