Do You Have Negaholic Tendencies?
1. Do you sometimes have difficulty getting out of bed in the morning?
2. Do you sometimes focus on all the times things didn’t work out in the past?
3. Do you often find yourself expecting the worst so as not to be disappointed?
4. Do you sometimes observe yourself feeling anxious when you hear good news fearful of the negative news that may follow?
5. When asked, “What do you want” do you frequently answer, “I don’t know?”
6. Do you often hear yourself saying, “It doesn’t matter” when you are asked what you want?
7. Do you often find yourself citing your mistakes in your past as justification for not taking another risk?
8. When imagining a big goal, do you hear voices in your head saying, “You can’t do that…you’d never be able to…?”
9. Do you have difficulty being enthusiastic about your “To-Do” list?
10. Do you frequently find fault with little things you do?
11. Do you notice a voice that diminishes you?
12. Do you have tasks that you never accomplished that you use against yourself?
13. Do you have difficulty celebrating your accomplishments?
14. When you think of your goals, do you hear inside “Who do you think you are?”
15. When friends compliment you, do you brush it off?
16. When you look in the mirror do you obsess on wrinkles and gray hairs and?
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD EVER…
17. Have the dream home you want?
18. Have the ideal relationship you want?
19. Make the amount of money you desire?
20. Have the body you fantasize about?
21. Have a job that you enjoy that is fulfilling?
DO YOU FREQUENTLY
GET ANGRY AT YOURSELF…
22. For spending too much?
23. For eating too much?
24. For drinking too much?
25. For not using your time wisely?
DO YOU FREQUENLY FEEL…
26. Angry at yourself or others?
27. Anxious in general or in specific?
28. Confused about what to do?
29. Depressed about anything or nothing?
30. Hesitant?
31. Impatient?
32. Insecure?
33. Lonely?
34. Regretful?
35. Unhappy?
36. Unloved?
37. Worried?
DO YOU SELDOM FEEL…
38. Calm?
39. Capable?
40. Certain?
41. Competent?
42. Confident?
43. Enthusiastic?
44. Happy?
45. Joyful?
46. Lovable?
47. Optimistic?
48. Powerful?
49. Satisfied?
50. So you constantly work yet rarely experience completion and satisfaction?
Please add up your “Yes” answers, then your “No” answers.
Do You Have Negaholic Tendencies?
Scoring page
In order to determine the degree to which you may have Negaholic tendencies, please score yourself like this…
• For questions #1-15, give yourself 2 points for every “YES” answer
• For questions #16-20, give yourself 2 points for every “NO” answer
• For questions #22-50, give yourself 2 points for every “YES” answer
Now total your score and find yourself on the scale below.
If your score is:
0 Congratulate yourself for having a high self-image, high self-esteem, no Negaholic tendencies, and being well on your way to a healthy, fulfilled life.
1-24 You have a mild case of Negaholism. You have every little to worry about. If you use the tools in this book, especially the nightly acknowledgments plus nurtures, you will have a wonderful life!
25-40 You have tendencies toward Negaholism. It may run in your family. If addressed now, you could easily overcome it. If left unattended, it could grow into something detrimental to your self-image and mental wellbeing.
41-60 You need to take your condition seriously. Without proper care and attention you will become a Negaholic. You need daily positive input to turn this condition around. A chart on the wall, journal writing, and nightly acknowledgments will definitely help this advanced condition.
61-80 You are in the danger zone. No longer can you ignore, pretend, or hope your condition will magically change on its own. You have a seriously condition that is riddled with Negaholic tendencies. Read and do everything suggested in the book to overcome your Negaholic tendencies.
81-100 You are definitely a Negaholic. You need to take daily measures to address this condition. This condition has become serious and can no longer be neglected. The negativity is so subtle that you hardly even notice it; it pervades your thoughts and feelings. Read this book closely, follow the exercises, and incorporate the principles into your life. Start immediately! A new life is waiting for you with a positive self-image that is life affirming.
After scoring your questionnaire, you could be in one of three places. First, you could be rather depressed. Second, you could be worried about your condition, concerned if there is any hope for you to change your mindset. Third, you could be excited that someone has written a book that addresses your condition, and with a little help from your friends you could overcome your Negaholic tendencies.
If you are Negaholic, then you wrestle with interior battlefield almost every day of your life. The interior battlefield is where a constant war is waged between archenemies. These enemies are the various parts of you.
Have you ever been in an audience and watched a speaker, presenter, or entertainer do his routine and secretly thought to yourself, “I could do that! I could do that better than he is doing it. If I had the chance, I would be ten times better. Why, I could be great!”
This is the “I can” side of you. This side wants to show its capabilities and make friends. This part believes that you can meet any challenge, and can live your life exactly as you want to. This part of you is self-sufficient, capable, and self-confident. It is fearless, possesses no self-doubt, is rarely confused, and is almost always certain about your preferences and choices.
Unfortunately, that’s not the whole picture. Life would be much simpler if you only had to deal with only the “I cans.”
Have you ever heard voices that say the exact opposite and talk you out of what you want? If so, then you are familiar with the “I can’t” side. This voice is there primarily to keep you safe, protected from being embarrassed or humiliated. This part tells you: “You can’t” about almost anything that stretches you beyond your limits. It is protective and geared toward keeping you safe. It is the self-doubting and fearful part. This part is the “I can’t” self, because it comes from a fearful, limited, and doubting place.
One of the big challenges in life is learning how to manage the inner battlefield of “I can’ts” and develop strong and robust “I cans.” This process doesn’t happen overnight.
Negaholism is the condition when the “I can’ts” dominate and dictate your life. As a child you learned early on that you would receive much more attention for getting hurt, being sick, being late, leaving your room a mess, telling lies, getting into trouble, and being difficult rather than by complying with the expected norms. With repeated imprinting, you internalized a motivational system whereby you received much more attention for the negative behaviors than you did from the positive ones. Your tendency to negativity is deeply ingrained and based upon three imprints: physiological, emotional, and psychological. These imprints are locked in place and are constantly reinforced in your daily life.
Danny and his Negattacks
Danny was a sweet, unassuming, middle-aged man who greeted everyone he saw with smile and warm “How are you?” His mousy-brown hair and his slight build gave him the
illusion of being almost invisible. His demeanor was apologetic, and he spoke in a nasal tone so you had to strain to hear him speak. He seemed a generally happy guy, but you weren’t always sure if his smile was really genuine.
One morning in a quiet moment of truth Danny said to me, “Some days I wake up and feel great, and other days I wake up and feel anxious, worried, and fearful about almost everything. There doesn’t seem to be any pattern to it; some days I wake up in great shape and other days I’m terrible; I never know until I wake up how I’m going to be on any particular morning. There doesn’t seem to be anything that causes the change in me but I wake up in terrible shape.”
I knew what Danny was talking about. Physiologically speaking, he may be lacking serotonin in his brain and this may contribute to feeling negative. For forty years I searched for a “pill” that would provide focus, positive energy, without any negative side effects. I finally discovered the herb that actually delivers on this promise, and I take it every day. If you want to know more about it, please email me at [email protected] , subject: the little gold caplet to overcome Negativity.
If someone has been negative for a long time, it takes desire, willingness, belief, and commitment to achieve this level of self-mastery. This book contains techniques and tools that I will share with you, but the bottom line is that you have to be willing and committed to using and practicing them every day, probably for the rest of your life.
If you were going to be a concert pianist, you wouldn’t merely practice the day before the concert; you would practice every day in order to prepare yourself for your big event. By the time the day of the concert arrives you would be practiced and prepared to perform. You would feel confident, because you knew that you had done what was required. Many people have the desire and even the willingness, however, the real question is: are you really committed to having this situation be different?
Many people fear that they can’t change. They think that they’re creatures of habit: too old, too lazy, or too stuck in their ways. If you are a person who is fearful that you can’t change and that you’ll always be the way you are, stop worrying. It takes at least one month of repeated, consistent behavior to establish a new habit and two months of consistent avoidance to break one. It takes time, it doesn’t happen overnight, but it can and does happen. Remember, all things are possible… if you have the desire, the willingness, the belief, and the commitment.
You need to be patient and persistent, understanding and relentless, compassionate and determined. This is a new way if relating to you. It’s not so difficult, but it is required. It’s okay if you’re skeptical. Consider opening up your mental door of possibilities.
This is your journey into the workings of your inner self. The journey that will enable you to start understanding you and what it takes to make changes that will be lasting.
Waking Up to the War
I asked Danny to tell me about the last time he awakened feeling bad. He said, “I went to bed the night before, and I was in great shape; the next thing I knew it was morning and I was in shambles.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“It was as if I was under attack. I felt like I was dodging bullets and missiles which were being dropped on my head before I could even get out of bed.”
“What kind if an attack was this Danny?” I probed.
“Anxiety, panic, fear…I was being dive-bombed from all angles by bunch of fighter pilots. I went to bed in a great mood, with a smile on my face, and I woke up in the middle of a War zone!”
“Tell me what the fighter pilots were saying to you.” I probed for information.
“They started with the investments I’ve made which have gone sour, and then they launched into my relationships with women, and finally they started attacking my age. It was just awful. After all, I can’t do anything about my age,” Danny said, shaking his head incessantly.
“Can you tell me the actual words that they said?” I urged.
“It’s not easy to forget. I don’t know when it started, because I woke up in the middle of this war. The first voice I remember was saying, “You really blew it on those investments. Do you know how much money you have lost? Everybody else is making money on real estate, and here with your property upside down. I can’t believe you didn’t see it coming. The bubble was sure to burst, but you were greedy. You should have known better. You’ll never see your money again, and at your age you will never earn it back. You’ll be penniless and probably homeless. Then who will want you? You’re a failure, and you’re never going to make it!” Danny hung his head and then abruptly raised it and said, “I really felt like I’d been wounded. It was awful!”
After having listening to Danny’s wake-up story, I knew his problem. Danny was a Negaholic. There was a mean part of him deep inside that was totally against him. What’s more, this mechanism was beyond his control, and unconsciously, he was locked in to the Negaholic syndrome.
The “I Can/I Can’t” Game
There are two sides in each one of us: The “I can” self and the “I can’t” self are both jockeying for position. Both sides play games to see who gets to be on top. Usually when you are about to enter the stretch zone, go for a big goal, or take a big risk, the “I can’t” self enters and tries to dissuade and distract you from taking the risk. The “I can’t” self tries to keep you safe and protected from disappointment and failure. It thinks if you don’t risk too much, then you won’t be too disappointed, nor will you have quite so far to fall if you fall. This side of you wants to play safe and hedge your bets. The unfortunate part is that the “I can’t” self is a bully, and is often stronger than the “I can” weakling. So it’s not too difficult to guess who usually dominates and wins these battles.
The problem is that the “I can’t” self gets carried away and becomes more than protective; it becomes downright critical. It begins to criticize your wants and to tell you that you can’t have what you want. If allowed to run wild, the “I can’t” self can and will take over your entire life. It will dictate what you can and can’t do, what you can and can’t have. Since the “I can’t” self comes from scarcity and limitations, it is not surprising that it begins to tell you that you can’t do or have what you truly want. It will keep you within narrow parameters in order to keep you safe and in control. When the “I can’ts” take over and take hold of you, you suffer from a “negattack.”
Nega = negative, holic = one who is addicted to something.
Negaholism Takes Four Different Forms
I have separated Negaholics into four categories so that you can see how all pervasive the syndrome is, and how many different forms it takes. Having seen every form of Negaholism over the past forty years, I have assigned them their appropriate label and grouped them into the categories that suit them. There is definitely an overlap since negative attitudes and thoughts are often demonstrated through words and actions.
Attitudinal Negaholics are successful people who drive themselves relentlessly. To the outsider they appear to be successful, but inside they are driven. They are the most subtle form of Negaholic because their appearance is so visibly successful. They are usually on top of everything. The three types of Negaholics in this group are: Perfectionist, Never Good Enough, and Slave Driver.
Behavioral Negaholics may be succeeding in spite of themselves, but they are most often unable to succeed. They try so hard that you don’t want to fault them, but their self-sabotage is written all over them. Caught in the discrepancy between their ideas and their actions. They are unable to break out of the behavioral patterns even though they seem to constantly try. This group consists of Procrastinator, Pattern Repeater, and The Never Measure-Up.
Mental Negaholics constantly flog themselves. They glom on to something they have done or said, lock on to it and won’t let go. They are ruthless and indiscriminate, focusing on the past, the present, or even the future with criticism, judgments, invalidation, and mental abuse. The Mental Nega
holics consist of: Constant Critic, Comparing Contestant, Retroactive Fault Finder, and Premature Invalidator.
Verbal Negaholics are hopeless, helpless, and unable to change. They make negative statements about themselves, others, situations, places, just about anything. Incredibly, they don’t have the slightest idea that they are being negative, they think that they are accurately reporting the facts as they are. Verbal Negaholics are: Constant Complainer, Beartrapper, Herald of Disaster, and, the most obvious type, Gloom and Doomer.
TYPES OF NEGAHOLICS
Successful Driving Self Relentlessly
Perfectionist
Never-Good-Enough Person
Slave Driver
May Be Succeeding Striving Hard
Procrastinator
Pattern Repeater
Never-Measure-Up-Person
Habitually Inflicting Punishment on the Self
Constant Critic
Comparing Contestant
Retroactive Fault Finder
Premature Invalidator
Hopeless, Helpless, Unable to Change
Constant Complainer
Bear trapper
Herald of Disasters
Gloom & Doomer
Attitudinal Negaholism
A Negaholic attitude can never be satisfied. On a very deep level you believe that it is not possible to ever really enjoy life. A Negaholism attitude is any point of view or perception that creates a losing game. Either the expectation is set and impossible to live up to, or you can never do enough, be good enough, or have enough to satisfy the relentless dragon that drives you.
There are three types of attitudinal Negaholics: The Perfectionist, The Never-Good-Enough Person, and The Slave Driver.
Perfectionist
Perfectionist is a cross between good news and bad news. The Perfectionist has very high expectations. When people are perfectionistic it is difficult to ever fully satisfy them because most things in life are imperfect. Perfectionists drive people crazy with their high expectations, coupled with extreme dissatisfaction when the outcome doesn’t measure up.
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