Negaholics

by Cherie Carter-Scott

  An erect, well-dressed business executive with every hair in place, Dwayne’s warm, inviting smile and firm handshake as he entered my office conveyed a sense of confidence and control that seemed almost rehearsed.

  “I don’t know why I’m here, but Robin, my fiancée, said that you were good to talk to about transitions and career changes. I know what I want, and I strategize and plan so that I get what I want.”

  “What transition or career change are you encountering?” I said, quit interested.

  “Well, I’m in the computer business and it’s time to make a change. I want to go into the restaurant business,” he said in a rather offhanded manner.

  “Tell me why you want to get out of computers,” I inquired.

  “I’ve had it with computers, and I’ve learned all I need to know,” he said in an imperious tone, his air of self-confidence never wavering, I was confused by what he said. Something didn’t match between the way he looked and the way he spoke. I probed for more information. “What do you mean, you’ve had it with computers? Tell me more?”

  “I’m not working right now. You see, I have this bad luck of getting stuck working with idiots. They can’t do the job right. I try to teach them so they will do it right, but they are hopeless. It’s easy for me, so I usually end up doing it all myself.” He said this proudly.

  “Did you quit or were you fired?” I asked with laser like directness.

  “It was mutual on both sides. My boss said I wasn’t a team player, and I was also ready to leave, so we just called it quits.” He was quite matter-of-fact about it.

  “How many jobs have you had in the last five years?” I asked.

  “Four. You see. I learn fast and then get bored; I like to move on when I’ve learned all I can,” he said, avoiding the real issues.

  As I questioned Dwayne, it became clear that he wasn’t only a loner, but a relentless perfectionist. He had real difficulties accepting anyone else’s shortcomings.

  The Perfectionist expects only perfection and anything else is unacceptable. He expects this from himself and from everyone around him. The good news is that you will always get outstanding products and services from him. The bad news is that it is difficult if not impossible to please him, and if you don’t measure up, you get the ax. Imperfections are intolerable to him. The pressure to perform up to his expectations is intense. Since there are few people who are perfect all the time, he feels righteous, superior to everyone else, and ultimately alone. His belief is “I can do everything better… myself.”

  The obvious question is, “How is this person a Negaholic?” If you drill down into the underpinnings of the perfectionist attitude, there is almost always a deep-seated fear of not being good enough, of being discovered, and of being inadequate.

  Never-Good-Enough Person

  First cousin to the Perfectionist’s attitude but slightly different is the Never-Good-Enough Person. This type of Negaholic constantly and consistently sets expectations and goals that are unattainable. These unrealistic expectations create an internal dynamic that reinforces the fact that the person never measures up.

  * * *

  George, a handsome, outgoing, and successful restaurateur in his mid-thirties, is rarely satisfied. Customers line up outside his restaurant eager to indulge in his delicious cuisine, seven days a week, and yet he is rarely satisfied. He will obsess on a tardy employee, a wrinkled uniform, or an ignored procedure. His point of view is that, “It’s never good enough!” Working with him is frustrating and demoralizing because he hardly ever notices what is working. He takes for granted the excellent food, the outstanding customer satisfaction, the loyal customers, the dedicated vendors, the superb location, and the upbeat inviting “feeling” that draws new customers a magnet. The details that are slightly “off” eclipse all the great things that could be acknowledged and celebrated. No matter what George, or his team accomplishes, it is apparently never good enough.

  Slave Driver

  Slave Driver is another attitudinal cousin. Slave Driving starts with an attitude then spills over into a behavior. Slave Drivers can also be workaholics as well. They are compelled to work, to work harder, to accomplish one more thing. Slave Driver has no time to play, only work, work, work. He sits on your shoulder telling you that you must “write the dissertation.” You think to yourself, “I’d like to go to the movies” and the Slave Driver says “NO! Make the corrections.” You think, “I’d like to spend some time with my friend,” yet Slave Driver says “No! Get it done now.” You muse to yourself, “I need to go shopping,” and Slave Driver bludgeons “You have a job to do. Now get to it!”

  A wiry, slightly built salesman was obsessed with balancing his accounting books. He walked at a fast clip, his body angled forward, carrying large accounting ledgers under his arm. Len was consumed with the bookkeeping, believing that if he didn’t attend to this task, his business would fail. His response when asked to go to dinner or play golf was continually, “I’ve got to do the books.” After a while, it became a joke. “Hey, Len… yeah I know, you’ve got to go to do the books, right?”

  Negaholic Behaviors

  Are Demonstrated

  Behavioral Negaholics appear to be unable to stop their behaviors. They appear to be harmless, victims of their own circumstances, in need of support, however, their issues never become resolved. In fact, you might become more invested in their concerns than they are.

  The tree types of behavioral Negaholics are: Procrastinator, Pattern Repeater, and Never-Measure-Up.

  Procrastinator

  Postponing the inevitable is the norm with procrastinator. There is always something more attractive that will supersede what must be accomplished until there is the eventual crisis.

  * * *

  Paul, a stocky, determined young man with flashing green eyes and a volatile personality, would defend his procrastinations to the end. He was a messenger for a record company.

  He resisted taking notes, put off tasks until they were in crisis, and frequently forgot tasks altogether. What Paul didn’t seem to understand was that unanticipated emergencies upset even the best-designed plans.

  “You forgot to buy the light bulbs. Did you pick up the mail? Have you gone to the store? When will the shipment be ready? Have you made your deliveries?” His boss would grill him. Paul would either feel terrible about himself or he would become defensive about why he didn’t accomplish his tasks. His boss wasn’t the only person who asked those questions since Paul had the same internal dialogue with himself. He was in a constant state of distress.

  “For years I have been saying that I would clean out the garage, and I never seem to get to it. Paul knew he had a problem, but he was stuck and he didn’t know how to change his behavior, but he accepted it as his plight in life.

  Either Paul flogged himself or others chastised him for breaking his promise. Paul had a difficult time managing himself, and his basic Negaholic tendencies were at the root of all of his procrastination.

  Pattern Repeater

  Self-sabotage looks like repeating old patterns and being stuck in a rut without knowing how to change it.

  Nina and her Candy Bars

  Nina and I had a session on her weight. She was mildly plump, had a loud voice, and was in constant need of attention. She meant well, but she often over promised and under delivered.

  Nina told me that she wanted to shed fifteen pounds. She said she was willing to do whatever it took. I wasn’t certain that I could believe her new commitment, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. Together we designed an action plan that was workable and would get her to her goal.

  I asked her what kind of support she wanted from me and she said, “Remind me when you see me going off track, because I will forget. I told you today, I go against my plan simply out of habit.”

  Less than two hours later, I was eating a salad at an outdoor café when I saw Nina go strolling by, gobbling down a candy bar. I jumped up, darted over and confro
nted her, “Were you serious when you said you wanted to be reminded?” She was visibly embarrassed, and said sheepishly, “Yes.” “Then maybe you want to consider another snack?,” I suggested.

  She was grateful for this incident because it jolted her out of an automatic behavior and into examining the gap between her words and her actions. She saw that she was saying one thing and doing the opposite. She was sabotaging herself by engaging in behaviors that were the exact opposite of her wishes. Following this incident, she dropped twenty pounds in six weeks and felt proud, successful, stronger, and more self-confident than ever before. As one client described it: “My mind wants my body to be thin; but every time I am near chocolate my hands and mouth act independently of each other; I am completely unaware of how chocolate attaches itself to my hips. Before I know it, it is in my stomach.”

  Tom, a high-energy workaholic salesman says something similar but in a different context. “I plan to take time off to be with my family, to go on vacation, to putter in the garden, but there is always some emergency with the business which keeps me from keeping my promise. I have the best of intentions, but something always happens that keeps me from honoring my word.”

  Counter intention is when you behave in ways that are in direct opposition to what you said you wanted. Imagine you are playing golf or tennis and you visualize where you want the ball to land. You then hit the ball with all your strength and it goes in the opposite direction. Counter intention is the physical manifestation of self-sabotage. Powerful people align their intention with their actions and as a result get their desired outcome. If you cannot align your actions with your intentions you end up feeling at the effect of your circumstances.

  Never-Measure-Up

  Some people continuously fall short of their desired outcome. Life can either be about reasons or results; you either get what you want or you end up with all the reasons that explain why you don’t have what you wanted.

  You may know someone who is “always in second place,” who gives up too soon, who is afraid to trust himself and take a risk.

  Mark always has something slightly off with his appearance. He either has a button missing on his shirt, his sock fall down, or he has spots on his pants. Mark is middle-aged and drives a gray VW car but he secretly wishes it were a BMW. He is a bank manager who aspires to be a vice president but never quite receives appraisals to match his aspirations. He is a good athlete but couldn’t run the 10K race because he sprained his Achilles tendon two weeks before the race. He is a talented pianist who downplays his ability. He is outgoing and friendly, but inside he believes that he is never going to be #1 in any area of his life.

  Mental Negaholism

  Mental Negaholism is the most subtle and insidious form. Thoughts become reality, and being unaware of your thoughts means they can talk you out of your aspirations. A mental Negaholic might be completely unaware of their thoughts, begin to feel down, withdrawn, or in a funk and have no idea why this is happening to them. Mental Negaholics live exclusively in their own private world of self-inflicted torment. They sometimes transfer their thoughts into action. In this group are Constant Critic, Comparing Contestant, Retroactive Fault-Finder, and Premature Invalidator.

  Constant Critic

  Annabelle, an art director for an advertising agency, has just come from a job interview. She has been with her firm for twenty years, and believes she should be making a better salary at this stage of her career. She has been examining her alternatives.

  She is uncertain about how effectively she presented herself. Her brow and furrowed, and her gait is uneven as she dodges passersby. She is thinking about the interview; how she sat, what she said, when she interrupted, how she looked, and how she answered questions, and she starts to criticize everything about herself. The voice in her head starts relentlessly criticizing her every move. “You sounded unsure of yourself; you stumbled over your words. Why did you forget to tell any of your accomplishments? You didn’t even tell her that you got an award for your artwork in 2012. That was really dumb! You sat with your shoulders slumped over looking like a curmudgeon.”

  Annabelle feels victimized from the rhetoric, but without any recourse. The constant drone of the critic brings Annabelle lower and lower until she has succumbed to the reality that she is worthless.

  There usually is some sort of catalyst for this criticism, like ending a relationship with a loved one or losing a major deal, but often with Critics there appears to be no apparent reason. The criticism may sound like: “You are so fat!” “You are so clumsy!” “You are so stupid!” Constant critics can put up a pleasant façade, but inside they battle the cruelest of critics.

  Comparing Constant

  Comparing your-self to others is a full-time job, since there are an unlimited number of people to measure yourself against.

  “Look at her thighs, they’re so much thinner than mine.” “He has a BMW, and I only have a little Smart car.” “Their report looks sharp, mine looks unprofessional,” “He plays much better golf than I could ever dream of playing.”

  Comparing Contestants look at life with a measuring tape, sizing up people, continuously comparing themselves to everyone else in every possible category, as if they were engaged in a perpetual contest.

  For comparing contestants, life is a contest; the person who has the most desirable “stuff,” wins the game. The object of the game is to impress everyone, with power, money, prestige, and making it seem totally effortless.

  Brad hated the fact that Earl had a brand-new Lexus and he was still driving his old Chevy. Every time he saw Earl, he would feel jealous. Having a Lexus was a symbol of success to Brad. He compared his receding hairline to Hal’s full head of hair, his athletic abilities to Gordon the mountain climber, and his job status to Fred’s C-suite. Brad spends an inordinate amount of his time comparing some aspect of himself with someone else. Judging puts Brad in either a superior or an inferior position. He constantly sits in judgment of himself and others, and feels bad about himself.

  There is always someone you can compare yourself to.

  Retroactive Fault-Finder

  Do you find yourself living life looking into your rearview mirror? You can look into the rearview mirror to see what is behind or is about to pass you, or you can look toward the future and go for it! Retroactive fault-finders focus on the mistakes they made in the past and dwell on how they are irretrievable.

  Clara was stuck in a tape loop. She would automatically slide into a refrain of, “I should never have left my family. I should have stayed at home and taken care of my mother. I should never have gone to work for that company. I should never have married that guy, I should never have cut my long hair.” Her rearview mirror reinforced the fact that every choice she made was wrong. She was riddled with beat-up that were used as ammunition against her for every choice or decision she had ever made. Retroactive Fault-Finders use the words “should,” “ought,” and “shouldn’t have” with frequency.

  Life for this type of Negaholic is full of regret, remorse, and recrimination. “If only” is a common phase that torments them with the fact that there was a better way and they chose the wrong way!

  Premature Invalidator

  Premature Invalidators can be protective in nature, keeping you from trying new things so you won’t be disappointed. On the other hand, they can be poised and ready to pounce on every little mistake.

  Have you ever pounced on yourself before you did actually did anything wrong? Based upon past performance and historic errors, Premature Invalidators jump to conclusions and indict themselves before there is any evidence. Found guilty and convicted before you’ve ever even been tired. It sounds like, “You always…You never…” This particular type of negattack is totally unjustified and unfair.

  It may happen in the car while driving. You may think that you made a wrong turn, but you are not certain. Before all the data has been assembled, you wage a full-scale attack on yourself even though you are merely trying
to get yourself to your destination. “How could you?” tirade makes you feel like an innocent victim attacked without any warning. You feel beaten, abused and scarred.

  Verbal Negaholics

  A verbal Negaholic cannot stop their verbal harangue. Listening to their words will either trigger your own latent Negaholism, or drive you away as fast as you can go. Focusing on the negative, highlighting worst-case scenarios, and obsessing about catastrophes is their full-time focus. Verbal Negaholics focus on what’s wrong. The prevailing attitude is expect the worst. “Life is tough,” “Wouldn’t you know it would happen to me,” and “It’s just my luck” are famous quotes from verbal Negaholics. Their self-fulfilling prophecy is that “life is full of trade-offs,” “You need to put up with situations and take what you get because you can never really have what you want.” Since these attitudes or beliefs underlie all actions, it is understandable that these Negaholics would strive to make themselves right. The way their lives unfold is in alignment with their Negaholic beliefs.

  Unless you maintain your sense of humor, being around a verbal Negaholic can be very demoralizing. There are four verbal Negaholics: Constant Complainer, Beartrapper, Herald of Disasters, and Gloom and Doomer.

  Constant Complainer

  Jolie was eighteen, and went to Europe with a travel/study group. It was her first time abroad and she was excited about broadening her horizons with new cultures, people, and sights.

  Three people in her group constantly complained. They complained about the food, the toilet paper, the cobblestones, the weather, the beds, and the bathrooms. Their complaining became predictable and wearisome. If you complain about things that are out of your control, to people who can do nothing about the situation you are sounding like a verbal Negaholic. If you communicate your needs and wants in such a way to people who can and want to help you, then there is a possibility that a productive outcome can be achieved.

  Beartrapper