As we unraveled the past, Diane began to tell me about her relationship with her mother and her three older brothers. Her mother compared her unfavorably to her peers. She wasn’t as cute as Kathy, nor as athletic as Anne Marie, nor as talented as Patricia, nor as sweet and kind as Toni. Her brothers made fun of her for being awkward, and she felt like she would never measure up. In spite of her straight A’s, she always felt like never-good-enough.
In a dysfunctional home, a measurement is established against which each member of the household is compared. The measurement can be different for each child. It could be academic achievement, malleability, obedience, and compliance. Love is then given or withheld depending upon how each person measures up to the standard that has been set for him/her. The “shoulds, musts, ought to’s, supposed to’s, and have to’s” are the standards that have been established by the parents and are the conditions under which love is dispensed or withheld.
TABOO TOPICS
MUST NEVER BE ADDRESSED
The youngest child from a family of five, Dora was a petite redhead who wore her hair short and pulled over to one side. Dora couldn’t talk to her husband about money. Every time they discussed the family budget, the children’s education, or pension plans, her head would get all fuzzy, and she couldn’t keep her thoughts straight. When I asked her about her childhood memories about money matters, she recounted that in addition to never being given an allowance, or having available cash, she couldn’t remember her family ever having a discussion about money.
“Money passed through our lives, unseen by any of the children. It was like smog. You knew it was there, but you couldn’t actually see it. The cost of private education was never discussed, nor were country club memberships, grocery bills, or any other costs related to family living. I can’t recall seeing a bill or a check, for that matter. It all happened mysteriously behind closed doors. I never even thought about money, since we never talked about it. I do remember hearing that Mommy had overdrawn her bank account, and Daddy wasn’t pleased. The only money I ever saw was at the checkout counter at the grocery store. It wasn’t that we were poor; it was one of those things that nice people just don’t talk about.”
Topics such as sex, religion, politics, money, relatives, addictions, illnesses, feelings, interpersonal relationships, plans or activities, or the condition of a specific family member, are arbitrarily designated off-limits. Family members get the message either verbally or nonverbally that “We just don’t talk about such things.”
AN INABILITY TO DEAL WITH
ROOT FAMILY ISSUES
Davis was a hotelier who was engaged to be married to Marge. She accused him of being cold and uncaring and said that unless he started to act in a loving way toward her she threatened to end the relationship. Tipping his chair back, his arms folded across his perfectly pressed jacket, Davis looked as if he had just stepped out of a fashion magazine.
“I don’t know whether it’s her or me, but I’m tired of being called cold and unfeeling. She thinks that since I’m not overly emotional like she is, there is something wrong with me. She overdramatizes everything, and gets hysterical at the drop of a hat. Maybe she is the one who has a problem. I need to be responsible for keeping some stability in the relationship, or she might go crazy. I’ve been through a lot, and not much fazes me. I’ve learned to keep my emotions under control, and that’s what works in the business world.”
“I understand, Davis. Can you describe the latest incident in which this issue came up?”
“Sure. We were talking about the future, getting married, going away on our honeymoon, buying a home, having children, and my response was, that’s fine. She says I have no emotions. All I ever say is ‘no’ or ‘fine.’ She gets so upset; she seems to have enough emotions for both of us combined.”
“Tell me a little about the way emotions were handled in your family?”
“There weren’t any!”
“What do you mean there weren’t any?” I asked.
“My dad had a rare terminal illness that affected his central nervous system and gradually caused the nerves to deteriorate. As a result, the doctor cautioned my mom that there should be no display of emotion around him. That meant we couldn’t get excited, sad, angry, or even very happy anywhere within earshot. As a result, my sister and I learned to modulate all our feelings. There was no affection displayed, nor was there anger, love, or enthusiasm. We never talked about it; it was just how we had to live to keep dad alive.”
Problems can pertain to the entire family, to two or more family members, or to one member’s nonfunctioning as it relates to the rest of the system. These situations are rarely discussed, are intentionally avoided, and dismissed when approached. Issues might involve such things as an illness, an addiction, eccentricities, sibling rivalry, incest, abuse, financial matters, psychological malfunctioning, or learning disabilities.
FAMILY SECRETS
ARE GUARDED AND PASSED ON
Torrie had a problem she couldn’t discuss. She was too ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it. She sat with arms and legs crossed, one leg swinging nervously. She kept telling me what a wonderful life she had, and how happy she was. I told her that I was pleased for her and probed for the reason for this coaching session. She said she had never told anyone her secret and didn’t know if she could even bring herself to tell me. I explained that I was willing to help, and that whatever she said would be held in total confidence. If she wanted a therapist or a psychiatrist, I could refer her to someone with whom she might feel safer and be able to go deeper. She replied that she felt safe with me and preferred to be coached. She was going to deal with it today.
As she uncrossed her legs, she placed her elbows on her knees and looked down on the floor. “It’s my mother. No it’s not her, it’s him. He did it. But she let it happen. It was one of them, or maybe it was all my fault. I don’t know, but I can’t look at him.”
Gently I intruded and asked, “Who?”
“My stepfather. He told her I made it all up. He said I lied, but I didn’t. It really happened. She didn’t believe me. Then she accused me of pr-pr-provoking him. My own mother didn’t believe me!”
When I finally got to the bottom of the issue I understood Torrie’s confusion. Her stepfather had molested her, and when she found the courage to tell her mother what happened, she was accused of lying, and then later of having provoked the incident. As a result, she was angry, hurt, shut down, and disconnected from her “self.”
Torrie’s situation with her stepfather is more common than anyone would suspect. In every Inner Negotiation Workshop that I have conducted, there is always at least one woman who has been sexually molested by a family member. At first I thought this was shocking, but it has happened so frequently in so many homes that I now accept it with my own quiet outrage. Torrie’s secret became her family secret, which was carefully guarded.
There is a common pact between all family members to honor the code of silence regarding all family secrets, which include abuse, addictions, drinking, drugs, eccentricities, domestic violence, incest, lying, mental illness, money issues, scandals, or suicides.
FEELINGS ARE DENIED, AVOIDED,
DISCOUNTED, AND SUPPRESSED
Sabrina and Tim had a sixteen-year-old son who was giving them a lot of trouble. Robby was a normal teenager, testing his limits as he crossed the wobbly bridge between boyhood and manhood. Life progressed as usual, except that Sabrina and Tim had very different views on discipline. Sabrina believed that the best way to address a problem was to sit down and talk it through, while Tim held that the only way to get your point across was with punishment.
Sabrina was disturbed by the way Tim treated Robby. “I think he is going to do some damage to him. It worries me,” she said.
“How do you feel about the situation?” I asked.
“Just awful. But I simply don’t know what to do about it.”
“Have you told Tim how you feel about the way he
disciplines Robby?” I probed.
“No. I can’t talk to him about my feelings. He thinks I’m too soft, spoil him, and that he can get away with anything. I feel caught between wanting to defend Robby and at the same time wanting to back Tim. I feel trapped and unable to do either. I tell myself it’s none of my business, Tim needs to have his own relationship with his son, but it eats away at me every time they get into a fight. I try to shut out the arguments, but I honestly don’t know what to do. What is the right thing to do as a mother?”
Feelings are perceived as dangerous. The expression of feelings is regarded as threatening and disruptive to the family system. They are met with disdain, rejection or, at best tolerance; Strong emotions are often the impetus for action. Suppressing feelings preserves the situation, the status quo, and simultaneously creates an environment that is riddled with lies.
DENIAL IS A “NORMAL” CONDITION FOR
THE FAMILY SYSTEM
Lucy is the perfect model of a supermom. She is attractive, effective, organized, and charming. On top of all that, she is a terrific business executive. She came to me with the objective of resolving some issues in her marriage.
She said, “Roger is a good provider, a good father, and a good businessman, but sometimes little things make him irate. It scares me when he gets furious at me. Let me give you an example, when we go grocery shopping, he likes to push the cart. Please don’t laugh at me when I tell you this. I know it’s a small thing, but when I push the cart over to the shelves, he insists on holding it in place so that I can’t budge it.”
“Is he joking or teasing?” I asked.
“Oh no. He’s dead serious. You see, it’s this power struggle between us. He has to control the cart, and if I take hold of it, then he has relinquished the control. It’s a metaphor for our entire relationship. Gosh, I can’t believe I’m telling you all this, but last Friday night he got so mad at me that he put his elbow through the wall. I was terrified and started to cry. I get afraid just like I used to when I was little.”
“What happened when you were little?” I encouraged.
“My parents used to fight whenever they got drunk. They would yell and scream and throw things. I would crawl into bed with my sister and hide under the covers. You know, I never told any of my friends about my parents, and I don’t want anyone to think bad thoughts about Roger.”
* * *
Refusal to acknowledge what is true creates an environment that is riddled with inconsistencies, massive confusion, and uncertainty about what is real. Denial of root problems leads to denial of ancillary issues, and then to suppression of all feelings related to the issues. The strategy is a blanket cover-up, and the more feelings are suppressed, the more distorted, dishonest, unreal, and bizarre the situation becomes. In addition, you are supported in denying your perceptions, thoughts, and wants.
PRESERVATION OF THE FAMILY SYSTEM
BY ALL CODEPENDENTS
Alice, an only child, thought that her job in life was to make peace between her parents. Alice is slight, with jet-black hair and shining eyes. She is the consummate peacemaker.
Alice explained her situation like this: “I always find myself making peace between two people. Now I am running over to my sister’s house to make peace between her husband and her. I’ve just taken on this role, and I want to stop doing it. I want to let people work out their own problems, and stop meddling, or having to be needed, or whatever I do. I want to get out of my role and break the old way of operating. My problem is that I don’t know any other way to behave. It’s as if ‘peacemaker’ is a core part of my personality.”
Each person has a specific role in the family, a role that exists to keep the family system in balance. Each person gives up his true self in exchange for a role that will keep the family intact. Each member of the codependent system has relinquished his or her true feelings and lives in reaction to the system’s spastic movements. The closed system reinforces itself through the perpetuation of the myth, the lies, and the contrived scenario that is being perpetrated on all involved.
Dysfunctional Families Produce Negaholics
If you are a Negaholic, the chances are that you grew up in a dysfunctional home, in which at least three out of the seven conditions were present.
Negaholic compulsiveness is frequently triggered by stressful situations. Coping with stress, a product of our modern times is especially difficult for people who are raised in dysfunctional homes.
If you come from a dysfunctional home and you know you are a Negaholic, don’t despair you are the norm, not the exception. You are among the majority, and, what’s more important, if you keep your sense of humor, there is a route to sanity and a functional future.
In the next chapter you will see the relationship between stress and addictive behaviors.
3
Stress and
Addictive Behavior
Transportation, communication, and technology have turned the modern world upside down. With high expectations, accelerated pace, intensified pressures, and constant change have dramatically changed our lives from being stable, consistent, and predictable to being fraught with confusion, disillusionment, and disconnection. The rhythm of the future brings increasing changes, dramatic transitions, and traumatizing uncertainty. We are living in a turbulent, chaotic, and perplexing era. Never before in the history of mankind have there been so many options, with so few tools with which to cope
What Is Stress?
Stress is a product of our times. It is something that we live with every day. The way stress affects our lives is a new phenomenon. Think back to early rural America. Imagine a farmer holding his hat in hand, wiping his brow and saying, “I’m really stressed out!” It’s hard to imagine, since life was so different then. This is not to say that lives of people in those days were easy, far from it, but it was a very different kind of life from what we live today.
Two hundred years ago, our ancestors didn’t have the modern conveniences we have now, nor did they have the advances in transportation, communication, and technology. They worked hard from sunrise to sunset. Their labor was physical, and their worries related to their crops, the land, and dealing with the elements. The roles of men and women were clearly defined, and the options available to them were limited. They didn’t have to figure out what career they wanted to choose, or where they wanted to live. There weren’t huge controversies about what they should eat, why they were fat, what their cholesterol count happened to be, or how much fiber, or sugar they should consume. Chemicals and their effect on health were not part of their daily conversations. They weren’t confronted with a wide variety of cars from which to choose, or the latest technology to use, or the option to travel anywhere in the world in mindboggling units of time. They didn’t have to deal with the stress of relocating, nor were they weren’t burdened with the threats of nuclear war, AIDS, or cancer. Life was by no means easy, but the pressures, concerns, and alternatives were fundamentally different from what we experience today. Their concerns were more immediate; our type of “stress” did not exist.
What Produces Stress?
Since stress is a daily phenomenon of our times, let’s examine some of the things that cause it:
• Confusion and ambiguity about gender roles, expectations, and priorities
• Role confusion, conflict, overload, boredom, either on the job or at home
• Bombardment of options and choices from soap brands to smart phones
• Rapid pace, heavy demands, and the pressure of intense competition
• Sensory assault from all angles, resulting in over stimulation
• Alienation resulting from the breakdown of the family, the church, and the community
• Isolation resulting from high mobility, transience, and instability
• Global financial instability with massive fluctuation in currencies
• An ever-present threat of termination from global war or epidemic diseases which weigh heav
ily on our consciousness
• Scarcity of time, lack of direction, frustration, and monotony
• Physical pain, inflammation, free radicals, or disability
• Emotional traumas relating to loved ones, and friends
• Changes: in lifestyle, economic status, marital status, educational status, career or job situation, increase or decrease in the family unit, relocation in home or job
• Baggage from growing up in a dysfunctional home including, feeling disconnected from real feelings, being out of touch with personal wants, fear of making mistakes, fear of taking risks and being abandoned.
Is it any wonder that we feel stressed? Stress is strain or force that taxes the system to such a degree that it begins to break down. In the human system, this means physiological, emotional, psychological, interpersonal, or spiritual tension greater that the person can manage.
In effective self-management, you need to attend to the various aspects of the “self.” You need to take a self-inventory to ensure that all the different parts of you are in good working order.
Since each person is unique, the degree of stress that each of us can handle is different. Where one person thrives on stress, another buckles at the thought of it. The process of managing stress is an individual concern. The problem, of course, is that most of us were never educated about stress, how notice the warning signals before it becomes an issue, how to monitor it when it becomes a concern, and how to manage it when it has dominated and become out of control. Being creatures of habit, we gravitate to what we know to what is familiar. Our copying mechanisms are for the most part without thought, scrutiny, or conscious choice.
When you are able to maintain input and output, you are not overly stressed, and as a result can maintain a degree of balance. Most of us were never taught self-management skills and we tend to ignore ourselves, as if we were machines that will go on running forever. We forget that if we don’t attend to our wellbeing, we will become stressed, start acting more compulsively, and reach out for temporary relief in order to cope. We call this temporary relief a mood enhancer.
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