INPUT
Temporary Relief
I like to call these coping mechanisms “mood enhancers.” A mood enhancer is something that instantly changes your mood, demeanor, and outlook. Here are some of the mood adjuster that my clients have used: taking a walk, painting, screaming in to a pillow, chewing gum, and jumping up and down, jumping into a pool (when available). These temporary mood enhancers act as Band-Aids to cover the immediate problem for the moment but they never really address the underlying issue at the core level.
Trish is a prime example of someone who has enjoyed little mood enhancers (ME) as a way to cope with a busy and stressful life. Some of her “ME’s” are: cookies, donuts, ice cream, candy bars, dates, and high fructose protein shakes. You probably notice that all of these have some sweetness associated with them.
I call them mood enhancers. These tasty treats can mysteriously turn into bludgeons that are used against yourself. Unless you have given yourself 100% permission to indulge in the mood enhancer, the momentary high can become a self-punishment, reinforcing the Negaholic syndrome. The mood enhancer gives you license to take yourself to task, they erode your self-trust, and they reinforce the incapable side of you, or the “I can’t” syndrome.
The Reese’s Rush
Tall and lean, with straight brown hair cascading down her back, Trish’s wide-set brown eyes focused intently in everyone she met. She reflected on the past and the onset of her compulsive behavior. Her theater background, plus cramming for exams, got her into the habit of reaching for fixes to get through each momentary crunch. After all, it was just for the moment at hand, or so she believed.
As she sat in the captain’s chair by the window, twenty years after college, she leaned forward and confided in me that she was an addict. “I have become addicted to Reese’s peanut butter cups,” she said embarrassed.
This wasn’t the first time Trish had indulged in mood adjuster, so she wasn’t seriously alarmed. “I know this is a tough time for me, with all the stress, so I’m indulging myself. It’s only for a short time, until I get over the hump. This is hard, with no man in my life, and this crazy schedule…well, I just need some pleasure.”
Trish found herself acting in an addictive manner. She came to the realization that she couldn’t get through the day without a Reese’s peanut butter cup.
“I think about my Reese’s all the time. I wonder, should I eat one early in the day, and save the other for evening, or should I eat them both together and get it over with? Maybe I should hide both cups until evening, then have them as a reward for getting my work done.”
She saw herself sneaking around so that no one would see her gobbling down her Reese’s. She couldn’t eat them openly, since everyone knew she had declared that she didn’t eat sugar, and she definitely didn’t want to share her treat. She got so much pleasure out of those two little round cups that it reminded her of all those moments in childhood when she had been naughty. The adrenaline rush was the physical thrill of naughtiness.
The child within was getting a kick out of being bad, but at the same time the adult who knows better was getting kicked for going against her belief system. She couldn’t win for losing. She could control her craving to one Reese’s per day, but after three weeks she started getting concerned.
“I can’t stop the craving for Reese’s. But then why should I? I mean it’s not cocaine or heroin, it’s just one Reese’s a day. That’s not so bad, is it? A little naughtiness is rather healthy, after all. So much of my life is responsible, adult, and uptight. The Reese’s rounds me out, it gives me depth,” she said, justifying herself.
The fact that she had lost control and was acting out of an irrational craving indicated an imbalance. Inside her there was something missing that she was trying to fill with Reese’s. She was feeling a sensation and wasn’t coming to terms with her feelings.
She would argue, “I deserve it. I’ve been really good lately, a good employee, a good friend, and responsible to a fault. Hell, cutting loose with a Reese’s is not going to kill anyone. I need to live a little!”
Everything her mind was telling her was accurate. It had assembled relevant and useful data to use at moments just like these. The point wasn’t whether she was a good person, or whether she needed a reward, or whether the Reese’s would kill her or not. The point wasn’t whether she needed to be naughty, or whether she was allowing the child within to come out and play. The point was that she was acting out of alignment with herself. She was doing something that she knew was not good for her, and she felt guilty because she needed the Reese’s to cope with the stresses of her life. One bite of her Reese’s and her mood was substantially altered.
“One little Reese’s.” she said, “Handles all my stress and anxiety in about five minutes for minimal expense. How efficient, how effective, how economical! This is a good use of time, money, and energy. There is only one problem: I have become addicted.”
As with all addictions, her desire would never stay the same; it would only grow until she would require greater quantities to satisfy her need. She decided that this was the end of Reese’s. What was more important for Trish was peeking underneath her behavior to understand what was really going on inside herself.
Peeking Underneath the Behavior
There is a feeling underneath each behavior that drives it. If the person is in the grip of an addiction, then the feeling he wants to avoid, bypass, or suppress is unwelcome, undesirable, or totally unacceptable. The mood enhancer is selected either to pursue or to avoid that unacceptable feeling. Since Negaholics often come from a family environment in which feelings were avoided, denied, or suppressed, it is normal behavior to camouflage or distance oneself from feelings that are distracting, disorienting, or disturbing. To avoid such feelings by using mood enhancers is considered a normal coping mechanism in our stressful times. The situation becomes dangerous when it hooks into Negaholic behaviors. When the mood enhancer becomes addictive, it is used as additional munitions for self-flagellation, called negattacks; the addiction puts the person even more at risk. In other words, when a person treats himself to something that is not in his best interest in the long run, the repetition of the behavior is used as additional ammunition for the next personal battle against himself.
Whenever a mood enhancer becomes beyond your control it turns into an addiction. A person is addicted when he or she relinquishes their choice to engage or to refrain. When the addiction dictates what you do, when you do it, and to what degree, then you are at its mercy.
Choice is a process whereby you examine all the alternatives, and select freely exactly what you want. Choice is informed, aware, deliberate, and conscious. When you operate from choice, you have examined the alternatives, the ramifications, and the consequences of your actions, and you are senior to any substance or process that attempts to control you. Addicts relinquish their choices.
Addictions have become a part of our daily lives as a way to cope with stress. These uncontrollable cravings for substances, activities, persons, places, and things are compulsive, repetitious, involve loss of control, and are continued despite adverse consequences. Virtually anything or anyone can become an addiction. Remember, the addictive personality originates from the dysfunctional home.
Trish wanted to discuss her Reese’s addiction. Since it was now within her control, it was a good time for her to look underneath her addictive behavior, to understand it so that when the next attack occurred she would be prepare and know exactly what to do.
How Were You Supposed to Be
I asked Trish to describe her last bout with Reese’s.
“I was at home talking on the phone with my best friend Vickie,” she said. “She talked about her two children, her husband, and their beautiful home in New England. While she was talking, I began to feel tightness in my stomach and a kind of reeling in my head. My own life started flashing before my eyes. I saw my three marriages, no children, a foreclosed home, and all my failures. It
was more than I could stand. I remembered that I had stashed a Reese’s in the cookie jar. I darted into the kitchen, reached for it, and after my first bite, I found instant relief,” she said, with a deep sigh.
“Do you know why you got relief?”
“Well, I’m a chocoholic, maybe that’s why,” she responded.
“Yes, but you see there is something very specific about chocolate,” I interjected. “You know how you feel when you’re in love? Calm, soft, and euphoric, as if you are in dreamlike state?”
“I remember how that feels, but what does it have to do with Reese’s?” she asked.
“There is a chemical in chocolate called phenylethylamine or PEA, a mood enhancer which affects the brain in almost exactly the same way that falling in love feels. In other words, when you eat chocolate, you get the same calm, peaceful, dreamy feeling that you have when you fall in love,” I explained.
Where Do Addictions Originate?
Trish’s addiction is derived from feelings of inadequacy. The insufficiency manifests in various forms. For example, her thoughts might sound like this, “I’m not smart enough to do the task…I’m not computer literate enough to do this job…I’m not attractive enough to attract the relationship I want…I’m not good enough to compete in the race… I’m not good enough to attract a wonderful mate…I’m not thin enough to be considered pretty… I’m not sexy enough for someone to want me…I’m not powerful enough to start my own business, etc.” The list could go on indefinitely; however, the underlying feeling is that she isn’t enough of something that she is expected to be to excel in life. This is the origin of the “I can’t” side. Since the feeling of insufficiency is rarely addressed for what it is, and is often avoided, we pursue remedies to fill the void, or “Hole in the Soul,” and alleviate the emptiness. In other words, we most often attack the symptom or behavior and fail to address the root cause. The remedies range from Reese’s to running, to drinking rum.
When you become addicted, you give away your power and become obsessed with something outside yourself. You believe “it” is the solution to your problems. Your focus becomes increasingly externalized. “It” becomes the thing that makes you feel good, and solves the immediate stress at hand. As an addiction develops, you begin to see it as a panacea to life’s problems and your behavior becomes increasingly compulsive. You start to eliminate alternatives and become consumed by the main addiction. When other people become concerned, critical, or meddlesome, you deal with their responses to your behavior by camouflaging your activities. You start with vagueness, evolve to mild excuses and cover-ups, and eventually escalate your deception to bold-faced lies. When you lie, you need to remember what you lied about, and the stories take on a life of their own. One of the biggest risks is when you believe your own lies since you then start to blur reality.
The Addictive Personality Traits
There are commonalities that people who are under stress, come from dysfunctional homes, and are addicts share. People, who are under a lot of stress, cope with the stress by using mood enhancers and have a tendency to become addictive. The ten addictive personality traits are:
1. Type “A” personality: driven, ambitious, competitive, hard-driving
2. Impulsive: sensation-seeking, exploratory, and a risk-taker
3. Compulsive: perfectionistic, and conscientious in their performance
4. Quick-tempered: excitable and irascible
5. Invincible: uninhibited, energetic, and hyperactive
6. Rigid thinking: a binary approach to life
7. Sensitive to pain: susceptible to physical anxiety
8. Novelty-seeking: low harm-avoidance
9. Sentimental: a propensity toward mood swings
10. Self-worth is based on accumulation: wealth, power, possessions, prestige, social acceptance
A person doesn’t require all of these traits to be an addictive personality. The ones listed here are those most commonly found in addictive behaviors.
According to Anne Wilson Schaef, author of When Society Becomes an Addict, there are two types of addictions. She makes a distinction between substance addiction and process addiction. When people are addicted to artificially refined products that are consumed, they are called substance addicts. These substances include caffeine, sugar, chocolate, carbohydrates, bread, nicotine, alcohol, drugs, and food in general, and can be related to such abuses as overeating, anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism, drug addiction, chocoholism, or food addiction. They are almost always mood enhancing, and lead to increased physical dependence. On the other hand, people who get hooked on a process, a specific set of actions or interactions, are known as process addicts. Obsessions with nail-biting, shopping, gambling, sex, relationships, watching TV, daydreaming, worrying, working, exercising, making millions, and even engaging in serial self-help programs are categorized as process addictions.
Take Sam for instance. Sam is a Negaholic and a process addict. His addiction is daydreaming, which fits into his Negaholic pattern by giving him a weapon to use on himself. Sam became addicted to daydreaming as a way to escape the pain and boredom of his daily existence. Why did this happen? Sam’s father was a fundamentalist minister, and he was raised in a fire and brimstone home. All responsibility was attributed to either God or the devil. Sacrifice and self-denial were highly valued. To pursue your own wants and worldly desires was considered the devil’s work. Daydreaming and fantasizing were Sam’s ways of escaping from this repressive, limited, and punitive existence. He would fantasize about writing wonderful novels, having exciting, beautiful women, fast cars, and being a famous celebrity. His escape enabled him to find some pleasure.
When he was eighteen, Sam was sent to a seminary from which he was expelled after one year for not obeying the strict rules. He rebelled against what he had learned from early childhood and the standards by which his religion mandated he should abide. Another part of him still fantasized about worldly desires, and he felt guilt and despair. He would think to himself, “I will never have the money, homes, cars, clothes, friends, women, degrees, and art that I desire.” Why did Sam drift from his cocoon like world of daydreaming into mental Negaholism? Eventually, Sam recognized the internal schism within himself, and it became his self-torment. He became addicted to tormenting himself both for not being a true minister’s son, and for never being able to be, do, or have what he wanted.
He would be hard on himself so that he
• Might atone for his worldly ways
• Would experience an internal rush
• Would be justifiably punished
• Would experience excitement even if it is self-punitive
The Key Elements Which
Underlie All Addictive Behavior
Whether you are a Negaholic who is addicted to daydreaming, devil’s food, or drugs, there are certain characteristics that underlie all addictive behavior.
Instant gratification . All addictions produce immediate gratification. You feel better as a result of your engagement with the substance or process in which you indulge. It is enjoyable to experience the mood enhancer (at least temporarily).
Simplistic thinking. You believe that the mood enhancer will make everything all right. You believe that “it” is a panacea capable of inducing positive psychological, emotional, and physical states, as well as relieving negative ones.
Distorted priorities . You become consumed and obsessed with your addiction and it becomes the most important thing in life.
Skewed perspective. Your perspective becomes distorted and inaccurate. You are unable to perceive reality accurately. You begin to see people and situations as exaggerations of what they normally would be.
Overwhelming attachment . You are so dependent upon the addiction that you feel unable to function without it. A need/dependency relationship evolves between you and your addiction. You need it to be happy and your well-being is contingent on having it available to you.
Symptoms of withdrawal. As soon as yo
u become deprived of the substance or the process to which you are addicted, adverse consequences appear immediately. You experience unpleasant physiological, psychological, and/or emotional symptoms. You experience trauma at the thought or reality of separating from your addiction. You become angry, justify your right to have or use it, and act out to preserve your right to do what you want.
Loss of power . You feel powerless to alter your situation. You have relinquished your power to something or someone outside yourself. The situation has become bigger than you are, and you are unable to effect a change. You are a slave to your addictions.
Binary thinking. You are the victim of binary thinking. You view situations as black or white, either/or, right or wrong, good or bad, on or off, wonderful or terrible. Life is perceived as a Zero sum game in which the pendulum swings between two polar opposites with no happy medium or mid-point.
Progressive stages of involvement . You need greater quantities of the addictive substance or process to satisfy the growing need within you. You have built up a natural immunity and in order for your addiction to have an impact, you need to keep increasing your amounts. There are various stages that include: 1) initial use, 2) increased use, 3) transition from use to abuse, 4) cessation, 5) control of abuse, 6) transference to another addiction, and, in 75% of the cases, relapse to stage three of addiction.
We all have addictions of varying degrees. To some extent, we could all be called addicts. The reason is that we live in an addicted society. Think for a minute. Who do you know who isn’t addicted to something? It might not be life threatening, but do you know anyone who isn’t addicted to sugar, caffeine, chocolate, cigarettes, worrying, or exercise?
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