#10 Rewriting Your Childhood
The next exercise for Lisa was to take every situation in her life where she was dwelling on the negative, half-empty syndrome, and reframe it into being half full. That included marriages, divorces, disinheritances, embezzlements, terminated relationships, and so on.
Lisa asked if she wasn’t merely justifying her past actions, and ultimately creating a sugar coating around her past.
I responded by asking her if the second twin’s reaction was any less valid than of the first. When she said no, it wasn’t, I suggested that each situation has two sides to it, and one can choose either perspective. It really doesn’t matter which perspective you choose, because both are true. What matters is how you ultimately view yourself.
Lisa argued that this was what criminals did after they had committed crimes, justifying what they had done.
There are certain actions for which we should feel guilt, shame, and remorse. Those are primarily acts that hurt others or society. I am not suggesting that this guilt or shame should be permanent, or that forgiveness and absolution for wrongdoings is not highly desirable if you are to live a healthy life.
The exercise of reframing is useful for those choices and decisions in your life which you have judged as “bad” or “wrong,” are held against yourself, and used as evidence to build a case indicting yourself as unable, unworthy, undesirable, or unlovable. As a psychologist and dear friend of mine, Jamie Weinstein, used to say, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood!”
The real value of the reframing exercise is that it shifts your perspective from half empty to half full. You can then release yourself from the guilt, remorse, and punishment of having made the wrong choice or having done something wrong; then affirm yourself for being the good person that you already are. This concept was so difficult for Lisa to grasp that she contested even more loudly, claiming that this went against everything she had been taught. She said if she didn’t take herself in hand when she did something “wrong” and address it properly so that she
learned from her mistakes, she would probably do it again. It became apparent to me that we really needed to get to the bottom of this issue or she would never accept this concept. I started to give her a mini-course in motivation. There are many ways to motivate yourself and others. I am going to explain some different approaches.
#11 Management by Fear
The first way to motivate yourself is using the “stick” method. In this approach, you try to get yourself or others to produce the result you want by using coercion, threats, and fear of the consequences. In this form of management there is usually an inherent power struggle which results in forced compliance. The target complies with the wishes of the “manager” because of fear of the consequences, which is usually associated with punishment. This is called deprivation motivation, management by fear, or consequence management. Phrases associated with this approach are, “If you don’t, I’ll …” “You’d better do it, or else …” and “If you want to go to the event, then you’d better …” The results from this approach are usually effective for the short term. You get the person to comply with your wishes, but they agree with your demands to avoid unpleasant consequences, not because they want to.
#12 Management by Participation
In this approach, one uses “reinforcement theory.” You first find out what people want, also called their preferences. Then you enable them to pursue their wants in an environment that provides them with timely, relevant, and meaningful feedback. Every time people perform the behavior that you desire, you reinforce them in some positive, tangible way so that the behavior is repeated. Positive reinforcement is saying to yourself or another, “Good girl/boy do this again. This is desirable behavior. We want more of this!” Reinforcement, Recognition and Rewards!
#13 Self-Management
You can “manage” yourself with threats and cruelty (which may sound familiar to you). In that case, you probably have some underlying assumptions about yourself: You’re lazy, and/or don’t want to work and need to be cajoled, coerced, or forced in to getting the job done. This perspective will make you act like a critical parent who is continually having to discipline a naughty child, one who keeps trying to get out of her chores and/or act out. This is a full-time job.
Motivating, disciplining, complaining about, being mean to, prophesying disasters, and ultimately being right about a difficult person consumes a considerable amount of time and energy. Think of it this way, you are practicing reinforcement theory, but in reverse. You happen to be reinforcing your own negative behavior by shining the spotlight on the negative aspects and you are inviting more of the same behavior. It is as if you have your own set of grow lights and whatever you focus on increases and eventually becomes bigger than life.
Instead of the voice reinforcing the negative out of habit, take charge of the situation and decide to be extremely selective and only reinforce what you want to become abundant in your life. This way, you are deliberately designing the messages that you give to your subconscious mind.
#14 Motivation Through Choice
The innovative approach to inner-directed motivation is through choice. Remember, choice is when you examine all the alternatives, and select freely exactly what you want. Using this approach to manage yourself requires close attention. It means putting the vision that you want in front of yourself and managing yourself through reinforcement of the positive, rather than avoidance of the negative. This approach is gentle, caring, and nurturing. You become kind and encouraging with every word. You interact with yourself in such a positive way that you want to be closer to yourself because it feels so great.
#15 Vision Board
A vision board is a collection of words and images that you want to become your life…at some time in the future. Your vision board is your hopes, wishes, dreams, and goals all in one place. It is a great way to imprint on your brain what you want to manifest. First, schedule a day to create your vision board. Then start to gather as many magazines with images that appeal to you. Jot down important words that you want to reinforce in your psyche. Collect your favorite photographs. Then on your “Vision Board Day” assemble all of the items with scissors, paper, marker pens, and glue.
Cut out pictures of things you want to manifest. Paste them onto a large foam board. Have fun and be creative since there is no right way to do this process. When it is done, place it in a spot that you will see as often as possible to reinforce these images in your brain. You can make as many vision boards as you like and place them in strategic locations. This is you deliberately taking charge and putting those words and images that you want to become your reality in front of you so that they are reinforced daily. It worked for me and it can work for you!
#16 Manage Your Motivation
1. Examine the myriad of different feelings that you have within you.
2. Determine what you really want. Not so much your ego, your appetites, or your internal voices, but rather your essential self.
3. Allow yourself to become inspired about your secret wishes, hopes, and dreams.
4. Hold all these aspirations within the realm of possibility, believing that you can truly have what you want.
5. Reinforce yourself constantly and consistently with acknowledgments, pats on the back, and kind, supportive words.
6. Validate every step forward in the direction you desire.
7. Keep the inspiration alive and close to your heart.
8. Stick with it, believe in yourself and in your dream.
9. Build a support team of personal enthusiasts, to build you up when you get discouraged.
10. Celebrate when you achieve your desired end result.
#17 The Beater-Meter
You have your own personal “Applause Meter” or “Beater-Meter” inside your head. Whether it applauds you or beats you up is up to you. The meter cannot distinguish between positive and negative attention. It only registers volume. The louder the vol
ume the greater the indicator on the meter, however, it doesn’t distinguish the quality of the volume. If you want to take charge of your positive imprinting, tip the scales in your favor. Read these examples and see if it registers.
Example # 1 You made your bed. What does the applause/beater-meter say: zero. The voice commentary says, “Big deal. You are always supposed to make your bed. No points!”
Example # 2 You completed a project mailing out twenty-five letters to constituents. Applause/beater-meter registers: zero. The voice commentary says: “It’s about time! You were supposed to get that project done two weeks ago. Finally you got it done!”
Example # 3 You completed a piece of research that has been hanging over your head. Applause/beater-meter registers: zero: The voice commentary says: “Now you can write the paper you have been procrastinating for way too long, and just think of the ten other projects that are waiting when you finish this one!”
Now maybe zero is underestimating you, and you are more positive than you appear. Perhaps you would have given yourself a 10, maybe 25, or even 37 points for any one of these. If you gave yourself over 50 for any one of them, you are doing quite well. Now let’s change the scenario ever so slightly.
Example # 1 You left your bedroom a mess, the bed is unmade, clothes are all over the room, papers and magazine scattered on the dresser. The applause/beater-meter registers: 25. The voice commentary says “Look at this mess! You are such a slob! You can’t find a thing, just look at this pigsty!”
Example # 2 You have succeeded in getting 2 out of the 25 letters in the mail and a month has elapsed. Applause/beater-meter registers: 45. The voice commentary says, “I can’t believe that you can only get 25 pathetic letters in the mail. It’s not that big a deal! Why are you making it into a major project? You are hopeless!”
Example # 3 You are three months behind in the research project that you need to do, with no end in sight. The deadline has come and gone, and each day your boss asks about the project. You feel anxious, guilty, fearful, worried, and panicky about ever getting the project completed.
Furthermore there is no action plan to ensure completion.
Your applause/beater-meter registers: 85. The voice commentary says, “You never should have agreed to do this research. You hate research. You knew at the start that you would never complete it. Why did you agree to a project that you would never be able to do? How stupid! You agree to anything that you’re asked to do, just to be liked by everyone. Now you’re trapped, and there is no way out. Everyone will know that you don’t know what you’re doing. You’ll look like an idiot. Everyone will hate you because you are letting them down. You are the weak link in the machine. OMG! Will you ever learn? “
Let’s examine one more to get the point fully anchored.
Example # 4 You left your keys locked in your car…in the ignition, with the car still running!
Applause/beater-meter: 100 !!! Voice commentary, “YOU MORON! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? AND WITH THE CAR RUNNING, NO LESS!”
Do you hear how you are managing yourself? When you exhibit behaviors that are desirable, you respond in an offhanded, casual manner, assuming that you are expected to behave this way. If a behavior is expected, you act as if it shouldn’t be acknowledged.
When you exhibit behaviors that are undesirable, you become a taskmaster, criticizing, judging, faultfinding, and belittling yourself. Your applause/beater/meter registers so high with the amount of volume that it sends a strong signal to your brain that states, “Increase this behavior!” The internal meter doesn’t differentiate between positive and negative, applause/beating attention. All it registers is volume. It registers whatever volume it detects and each time it receives a loud, strong blast it imprints and reinforces the perception. Each time this happens, a subtle “Note to self” registers in the subconscious, “This is desirable behavior because it receives a lot of attention, do more of this.”
At this point, you can’t win. When you receive positive recognition you discount, discredit, and discard it as untrue or irrelevant. When you receive negative reinforcement it goes so deep that you feel hurt, invalidated, and defensive.
In order to reverse this process you need to behave in a very unfamiliar manner. You need to make a big deal out of your accomplishments, no matter how insignificant they may be. At the same time you need to minimize the undesirable behaviors. In other words, you tip the scales in your favor. Notice areas for improvement and implement correction, but do not give them a lot of attention or volume.
#18 “Hmmm”
“Hmmmm, isn’t it interesting that I am resisting writing that new book? I wonder why I am doing that. What can I learn about myself from this situation? What can I do to change my behavior? What do I need in order to get started on this task? What do I need in the long term/big picture which will alleviate this situation in the future? Hmmmm, I notice that I am not exercising like I promised. What can I learn from my resistance?”
Instead of becoming upset at myself or the situation I’d rather learn something that would benefit me in future similar situations. Let’s examine this one thoroughly. Initially I wanted to do the project. Time has passed and it has become prioritized several times because of other more urgent projects. I need to schedule time in my agenda/calendar to finally get it done. Secondly, I am overwhelmed with the amount of data that I need to absorb to complete this project. I need to break it down into small bite-size pieces, and incorporate those pieces into the allotted time in my calendar. I will execute these two steps now.”
Learning from your behavior is very different from slamming yourself for not doing something. You need to get your reinforcement from behaviors that move you in the direction that you truly want to be headed. With undesirable behaviors, notice them, strategize alternative plans, and refrain from obsessing on them.
#19 Self Trust
How do you feel about yourself? When you treat yourself in a diminishing manner, you drive a wedge between you and your essential self. You become “at two” instead of “at one.” You can tell If you are “at two” if there is a running dialogue in your head. If you are “at one,” it is quiet inside.
Each time you take yourself to task, you erode your self- trust. Your essential self starts to resemble a battered child, afraid to make choices or decision because she is going to get clobbered for whatever you choose. In order to foster self-trust, you need to stop beating yourself up.
You cannot beat yourself up while simultaneously trusting yourself. Trust and fear are antithetical. It is simply not possible for these two polar opposite realities to coexist.
If you do not trust yourself, then you cannot be expected to feel confident in your opinions, comfortable with your feelings, or certain of your choices. If you are indecisive, you look to others for their advice and opinions because you don’t trust yourself. When others give their advice, you still cannot determine whether they are right or wrong. After much rumination you finally decide what to do, but you are never totally certain that you made the right choice.
Self-validation is a way to affirm the positive side of yourself. Celebrate the little wins in life and make a big deal out of the small victories, behavior breakthroughs, and mini-miracles.
• Collect evidence that you can be trusted
• Support all previous choices that you have made
• Bolster your confidence to make the next choice
• Reinforce your inner sense of right action
#20 When You Let Yourself Down
Trust is fragile. It can be developed or destroyed. Trust is relying on someone’s word or actions. When you tell yourself that you’re going to do something and you don’t keep your word, you have just diminished your trust level with yourself. Each time you break a promise to yourself, you chip away at your supply of trust.
For instance, suppose you say, with the best of intentions, that you are going to get up every morning and workout at the gym, and then the first morning you wa
ke up and feel tired and say, “I’m too tired. I’ll work out later.” When “later” comes, you still don’t go to the gym, but this time you say, “I’ll go tomorrow morning.” When tomorrow morning comes you think, “I have too much to do. I’ll go this weekend.” And so on. The fourth time you say you will go to the gym, your response could be, “Sure you will, just like the last time. You’re not going to the gym. You’ll end up sleeping in like you usually do. Who do you think you’re kidding?”
When you say you’ll do something and you don’t do it, you erode your self-trust. You put one more stone on the scale that states your word doesn’t count. The next time you promise yourself that you will go to the gym, since you haven’t built a track record of evidence proving that your actions are aligned with your words, you have no defense against this line of questions. You set yourself up to fail the interrogation.
There is, however, a way out of this scenario. The resolution doesn’t happen overnight since the erosion of self-trust took time to degrade. The process of rebuilding trust is similar to eroding trust; it must be approached one step at a time. Each time you have a choice to make a commitment to yourself, look very carefully and see if you can keep your promise. Start with little promises, ones you know you can keep. Commit to brushing your teeth then do it. Commit to calling a specific person then do it. Start with baby steps, and build one block at a time. Focus on the process of rebuilding your self-trust rather than accomplishing the task.
Mary constantly broke promises to herself. She would commit to never eat sugar again. Sure enough, the next time she went out to dinner and the waiter brought over the dessert tray, she would succumb. Her beat-ups were brutal. I pointed out that she was setting herself up to lose. Every time she wanted to change a behavior, she might consider committing to mini units of time rather than a lifetime. For instance, Mary might commit to not having any sugar tonight, and then tomorrow have a chance to examine whether she wants to renew the commitment. “Forever” seemed incomprehensible to Mary, so she would think, “Oh, one little dessert won’t hurt. If I’m making this commitment for the rest of my life, then tonight doesn’t matter.” She sabotaged herself with her own logic.
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