#21 Under Promise, Over Deliver
Don’t make agreements that you might not keep. If you can absolutely keep you promise, then make the commitment, otherwise don’t commit. After you have kept your promise, validate yourself for reinstating a portion of your self-trust, for keeping your promise. If you feel that you cannot keep your commitment, then don’t make it. It is better to make fewer commitments and keep the ones that you make than to make too many and break them. Remember, your self-trust is at stake. It is easily broken and difficult to repair.
#22 Building a Case List
An exercise that you can do to reinforce self-trust is the following: On paper, perhaps in your journal, make a Building My Case List . This list is to be referred to whenever self-doubt or fear threatens you. It is comprised of times when you did what you said you would do, times when you achieved your goal, times when you were honorable, when your words and actions were in alignment, or when you lived up to your expectations. Trust comes from having the belief that you will do what you say. To build self-trust, you need to believe you own words, to feel that your words are golden. You need to know that you can count on you, no matter what. You need to feel in your heart that you won’t let you down.
# 23 Aspiring
To Be Your Best Self
The choice of how to manage yourself is yours. You can revert to your old behavior and be cruel, managing yourself with threats, coercion, and fear. You can motivate yourself by aspiring to be your best self. This does not come from fear of the consequences, slave driving, or the need for discipline or punishment.
This new management style presupposes that you are a worthwhile person who is capable, willing, and eager to contribute once the proper motivator is discovered.
• Choose the behaviors that you want to reinforce : clean, neat, productive, on time, accountable, fit, mindful, attention to details, ahead of schedule.
• Write them down on paper or on the computer; then determine your ideal appropriate positive response for the behavior when you have demonstrated it.
• Make a pact with yourself that when you don’t live up to the expectations you have set for yourself, you will respond with, “Hmmmmmm, isn’t that interesting that I didn’t-------.” This is merely an observation of fact, and not an indictment. There needn’t be any judgment attached to the comment.
• “Hmmmmmm” is a tone , not a thought. The tone will stimulate the right side of the brain and not the left analytical side. The point is to notice the behavior so that you can change it, not to blow it out of proportion so that you reinforce it.
#24 The Forgiveness Letter
This exercise works for people who are ready to heal the past. It is not for those with deep-seated resentments, wounds, and hurts, which need more in- depth processing. This exercise is for you to use with yourself or others.
Forgiveness is a very powerful tool. When you are engaged in an inner struggle and you feel distance between you and yourself, it is time to make amends. You have the power and the ability to absolve yourself from the wrong that’s been done. By writing yourself an official document that releases you from guilt you can repair the damage.
Find a quiet place and allocate some time to yourself without interruptions. Bring with you your laptop, tablet or pad and pen, whatever you prefer. Write yourself a letter that starts like this:
Dear _________,
On this ( ) day of ( ) month in ( ) year, I am officially extending to you absolution and forgiveness for these offenses: (here list every thought, action, and deed which you have been harboring against yourself).
At the end of the letter write the following:
I have the authority to extend to you amnesty and forgiveness for all of the above. From this day forward these issues shall be wiped clean from your record, and will nevermore be used against you. You start this day with a clean slate, with no transgressions against you. You are a free person, free from guilt, and self-recrimination. Live your life a free person, who will treat yourself and others with respect, dignity, and positive regard.
Congratulations!
Then sign and date the letter.
Read this letter aloud to yourself in a clear and strong voice. You can then either burn it or frame it.
#25 A Declaration of Selfhood
Virginia Satir was one of the great family therapists of our time; I had the privilege of knowing her and her work personally. One of her tools was a personal “Bill of Rights,” which is the claiming of your birthright. You can photocopy this list and put it on your mirror in the bathroom and read it to yourself every day while you brush your teeth. After you have finished your ablutions, read it out loud to yourself. Listen to your voice grow in strength and volume so that you really start to feel it inside. In the beginning you may feel silly or embarrassed. You may hear the inner voice say, “That’s not the truth,” Just hang in there and keep doing it; you’ll notice changes within six weeks if you do it without fail. Here is the list. Try it out, you may like it. Experiment with it.
#26 BILL OF RIGHTS, BY VIRGINIA SATIR
1. I do not have to feel guilty just because someone else does not like what I do, say, think, or feel.
2. It is okay for me to feel angry and to express it in responsible ways.
3. I do not have to assume full responsibility for making decisions particularly where others share responsibility for making the decisions.
4. I have the right to say, “I don’t understand” without feeling stupid or guilty.
5. I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
6. I have the right to say “No” without feeling guilty.
7. I do not have to apologize or give reasons when I say “No.”
8. I have the right to ask others to do things for me.
9. I have the right to refuse requests that others make of me.
10. I have the right to tell others when I think they are manipulating, or treating me unfairly.
11. I have the right to refuse additional responsibilities without feeling guilty.
12. I have the right to tell others when their behavior annoys me.
13. I do not have to compromise my personal integrity.
14. I have the right to make mistakes and to be responsible for them. I have the right to be wrong.
15. I do not have to be liked, admired, or respected by everyone for everything I do.
#27 Ritualizing Events
Burning, framing, exhibiting, and celebrating are various forms of ritualization. These forms of ritualizing will imprint the experience on your brain so that you will “experience” and remember the event. Conceptualizing information is not the same as experiencing it. Very often you need to dramatize and/or ritualize events to intensify their impact.
The reason we have rites of passage is to ritualize important events, so that we realize that something significant has transpired. This affects our internal perception of reality. Rituals around birth, entering puberty, getting married, having a baby, anniversaries, starting a business, receiving an award, celebrating breakthroughs, birthdays, and even funerals permit us to record in the videotape of our mind that there has been a major change. If you didn’t ritualize, you would know conceptually that something had changed, but it wouldn’t be “real” to you on a cellular level. Think of rituals that you have missed (e.g., the funeral of a dear friend), and notice how many times you acted as if that person were still around, as if you hadn’t fully internalized it. The purpose of ritualizing is to bring the reality of the event to you at a deep level so it becomes real.
#28 Mind Dialoguing to Get Off the Fence
Have you ever noticed those times when you can’t make up your mind? Should I stay in bed, or go jogging? Should I go with the new job offer or stay where I am? Should I keep my old car or should I buy a new one? Should I go out with George or with David?
Indecision is an indication of some mental consequence that will occur if you make the wrong choice. Let’s take as an
example the decision to buy a new car or keep the old one. George went through this process right in my office.
“I can’t make up my mind. Should I sell my car, and buy or lease a new one, or should I just keep the old one?”
I requested his pros and cons.
He said, “I think I should get a new car because I have had my car for four years, and I would get the best resale value now; but on the other hand, a new car is really expensive. If I sold my car, I would avoid repair problems that occur with cars as they get older, but then on the other hand my car has only 43,000 miles on it, which is great for a car four years old. I think it would be fun to have a new car, but I don’t really need one. I have just recently had a new clutch put in and I had mechanical difficulties with the convertible top, but on the other hand these are small problems and I really haven’t had much trouble with the car in the past. A new car would eliminate all concerns about maintenance and repairs, but what if I got a lemon, that would be awful!”
He went on and on, until I said, “What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know!” George replied.
I said to him, “It sounds like whatever you choose will be the wrong choice. The great guillotine in the sky is waiting to cut off your head if you make the wrong choice.”
“That’s exactly right, so for weeks I have been stuck not being able to make up my mind.”
I told him that I wanted to teach him a technique called mind dialoguing.
Mind dialoguing is a process whereby you have a conversation with your mind for the purpose of quieting the voices, and then allowing yourself to embark upon the choice. Mind dialoguing goes like this: simply choose one side of the argument, it doesn’t matter which one, and agree with it. After you do this several times, reverse it and then agree with the other side. You want to keep the two sides separated, because the ping ponging fuels the fire and keeps the indecision stuck. After going back and forth several times, the voices cease, then ask yourself, “What do I want?”
The purpose of the exercise is to quiet the voices of the mind so that you can have silence in which to ask the important question. When you have silence, you can invoke the intuitive part of yourself to get an answer. Given the previous examples, take the part that says: I want to get a new car. Take this side only, and forget about all the “on the other hands.”
The Mind Dialogue Exercise
You say, “I think I should get a new car, because I have had my car four years, and I would get the best resale value at this time.”
I then say, “Yeah, you probably should.”
You say, “If I sold my car, I would avoid repair problems that occur with cars as they get older.”
I say, “That’s true.”
You say, “I think it would be fun to have a new car.”
I say, “It would.”
You say, “A new car would eliminate all concerns about maintenance and repairs.”
I say, “Uh-huh, sure enough” and so on.
“So what has happened to you?” I asked George, after we’d gone through this.
He said, “Everything got quiet inside. But is that my choice?”
“No,” I responded. “You have merely taken step one, which is quieting the voices. This is not the end result, which is making a choice that feels right to you.”
“What if we reversed our roles and I took the other side: to keep my old car, then what?” asked George.
I said, “Let’s do it and see what happens. You go first.”
George said, “My car has only 43,000 miles on it, which is great for a car four years old.”
I said, “That’s true.”
He said, “I don’t really need a new car.”
“No, you don’t,” I commented.
“What if I got a lemon!” he exclaimed.
“That could happen, you know,” I said.
“I have had no problems with the car in the past,” George stated.
“You haven’t,” I commented.
And so on …
“What did you notice, George?” I inquired.
“The voices stopped, just like the previous time.”
“Now, listen very carefully when I ask this question:
Do you want to keep your present car or do you want to buy a new one?”
Immediately he responded, “Buy a new one, that’s all there is to it. It is clear. I want a new car!” He was delighted to have resolved the issue and be able to move on to something else.
#29 Steps to Get Off the Fence
In order to resolve mental gymnastics follow these steps:
1. Identify the two opposing issues
2. Write or talk it out into your phone recorder
3. Choose one side, either one
4. Run the dialogue either in writing or orally, but only do one side at a time
5. Agree with everything that you say
6. When the voices stop, ask yourself, “What do I want?”
7. Listen to the answer and write it down
8. If you don’t believe it, do it with the other side of your mind
9. If you don’t get an answer, do it again until you do.
10. When you get your answer, celebrate and
acknowledge yourself, and trust your choice!
This works really well.
#30 Journal Keeping
Another technique that works really well, especially when you are by yourself, is journal keeping. This technique works when you have an altercation with a loved one and there is no one else to talk to, or when you are traveling and you are alone with your thoughts, or anytime when you want to take your mental health pulse. It is a way to tune in to yourself, get into communication, and sort out what is going on with you. Eric was a prime example for whom journal keeping worked beautifully.
A concerned Eric sat in the armchair in my office. He was recounting the latest developments in his relationship with Sandy. He said, “Everything seems to be working between us.”
Eric originally came to see me because of a business related issue. Shortly after we clarified his objectives for the coaching work, he discovered that he had similar concerns in both his business and his personal relationship. He said, “I am not certain what to do about it, but I seem to be totally out of touch with my feelings. Every time Sandy asks me how I am feeling I automatically respond with what I am thinking, without even knowing it. She has pointed it out to me, and she’s right. What can I do to start to feel and notice my feelings? Can you help me with this challenge?”
I suggested to Eric that he begin to keep a journal. He asked how that would help. I told him it was a way to record internal thoughts and begin to probe below the surface and start noticing his feelings.
“You can use the journal as a sort of divining rod in search of your true feelings.” I then began to give him some of the primary reasons for the journal keeping process:
• To get to know your mind and how it works
• To begin to uncover your feelings and sort them out
• To view your internal process from an objective perspective
When you see your innermost thoughts and feelings on paper before your eyes, it can alter your perception of really. In other words, you can begin to separate yourself from your thoughts, feelings, ideas, and condition. This journal is primarily a tool for self-discovery. It can be used as a receptacle for mind chatter, a valuable mirror in which to see yourself in a new light or from a different angle. Very often you are unaware of the underlying beliefs or decisions that dictate your attitudes and behaviors. Listening through the written words can enable you to unlock patterns that you might otherwise obscure from your view. You can also use the journal as a validation tool. You can record your “pats on the back” in your journal to highlight accomplishments and achievements. There is no right way to keep your journal.
Here are some Journaling Tips:
1) Record your feelings, reactions, and thoughts. Focus on your internal experien
ce.
2) Tell your truth to the best of your ability. Then dig deeper and see if there is an even deeper truth. Ask yourself questions like:
• “What is the truth about that?”
• “Is there something even deeper?”
Listen and write down whatever answer you receive. Use the journal to get to the bottom of issues which surface. In doing this, you will create conditions for a catharsis that will release the emotion on an issue or an incident.
Whenever possible, use your journal in the midst of any conflict. Write down all the feelings you can get in touch with, and keep digging deeper to see what is really underneath it. When your emotions are the closest to the surface, you can use your journal as a tool to peel back the layers of thoughts and surface feelings to see what is there. Anger often obscures more vulnerable feelings that lurk in the shadows of our emotional fabric. On the surface you are angry, however, when you dig deeper, you may discover hurt, sadness, or disillusionment. This is a very effective way to use the journal.
When you feel out of sorts and don’t know why, use the journal to externalize whatever is there. Don’t worry about it making sense or being responsible; write whatever you observe, think, feel, sense, or judge.
Forget about punctuation, grammar, syntax, and spelling. No one is going to read your journal but you, so tell it like it is. Make sure that it is legible so that you can read it later, but don’t edit, rehearse, censor, or withhold.
Have your journal be a safe place for you. You can capture all of your most hidden expectations, fears, wishes, hopes, and dreams. You are the only one who will ever know. You can expand upon your fantasies, fears, or fun. You can tell your visions, plans, hurts, and joys.
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