Use your journal daily. Set aside a special time every day to write in it, or carry it around with you and use it on and off throughout the day. If you have nothing to say, write down that you have nothing to say, but don’t go a day without writing. Make this commitment to yourself, and follow it through.
#31 Nurtures
A very bright and loving publishing executive was caught in a dilemma. Jimmy said to me one sunny morning, “I love my work; I love my wife; I love my kids, but I don’t really know if I even like myself.”
I asked him what gave him this suspicion.
“I would do anything for them,” he said.
I asked him to be specific.
He said, “I call my wife once, sometimes twice a day, sometimes just to say I love her. I buy her flowers once a week. I leave her notes around the house, on the refrigerator door, on her car seat that say I am thinking of her. I make sure that we have at least one evening each week just for us, date night when we get dressed up for each other, go out to dinner, maybe even dancing. We leave the kids at home and we embark on a romantic evening of courting and flirting with each other.”
I said. “I’m almost jealous; she’s a very fortunate woman. But what about the kids?”
“Oh it’s the same story; I take them to ball games, the movies, help them with their homework. I even took them river rafting this summer. They know I adore them, and I do.”
I asked him what behaviors or actions convey this message.
“I make them a priority,” he said. “I spend time with them. I am there to hear their problems. I am genuinely concerned. And last but not least, I spend money on them.”
“Really,” I said. “Through the allocation of time, energy, and money you demonstrate to your wife and children that they are important to you?”
“That’s right!” he said.
“Now,” I said, “let’s turn to your relationship with yourself. What do you do to demonstrate to yourself that you care about you?” He thought for several minutes.
“Nothing, absolutely nothing!”
I said, “There must be something you do. Think about it. Exercise, maybe?”
He replied, “Oh sure, I exercise, but that’s to keep in shape; I do that for my health.”
I said, “You’re always well groomed, what about the personal care you take with you appearance?”
He retorted, “I do that because it’s part of my professional image. I need to do that for my job.”
I began to explain to Jimmy that many of his actions, if framed differently, could be construed as caring gestures rather than merely functional ones. “I want you to use your relationship with your wife as a model of how you want to relate to yourself. Just like sending her flowers, leaving her notes, or planning an evening out, you know exactly what to do to make her feel special. You also know what to do to have your kids feel cared about.”
What do you like to do? What makes you feel special? What makes you feel worthwhile? What could someone do to have you feel special? This list is very important in helping to build the relationship that you say you want with yourself. You need to have the care and concern demonstrated in actions so that you feel them. The first step is to make a nurture list of special things you could do for yourself.
Nurtures are a specific way to counterbalance all the times you take yourself for granted. A nurture is a tangible way to demonstrate to yourself, from yourself that you care about yourself. It shows that you are willing to take the time, to spend the money, to allocate the energy to let yourself know that you matter, that you are worth it. There are certain textures, colors, fragrances, sounds, and tastes which touch a chord deep inside and make you feel special. They are unique to you, and if you search, you will, with very little effort, become aware of what they are. If you make a list, it will always be available for those moments when you cannot think of what to do to honor yourself.
Some nurtures might be:
• Walk on the beach
• Watch the sunset
• Sleep in late
• Breakfast in bed
• Write in your journal
• Jog
• A bubble bath
• Get a massage
• Play with your pets
• Go out to eat
• The movies
• A favorite sport
• Go dancing
• Paint or draw
Put together your own list of nurtures, activities that resonate to you, that say to you, “You’re special,” “I like you,” “You are important to me,” “You are worth it.” Nurtures are a way to transcend words and show how much you value yourself. You will be pleasantly surprised when you actively treat yourself to a nurture and notice how you feel. It is similar to having a lover who says in various ways, “I love you!” As special as nurtures are, there are two pitfalls to be avoided:
• The first is to go through the motions of nurturing yourself automatically, without ritualizing it. For example, you say to yourself in a blasé, off-hand manner, “I guess I’ll get a massage.” You make a joyful experience into a routine task. Rather than experiencing the physical pleasure and joy of receiving a gift, you go through the motions because you know you should nurture yourself. You forget to let in the experience of being cared for nourish your spirit.
• Cheap thrills occur when your mind tells you that you deserve a nurture. You then select something that has the appearance of a nurture but which is really a beat-up in disguise. An example of a cheap thrill is eating a hot fudge sundae when you are on a diet, or spending the rent money on a new pair of boots, then not having the funds available when the rent is due. At the time, the action may feel like a nurture, but lurking in the background is a way to “sabotage” yourself.
#32 The Expectation/Reality Gap
After I’d discussed all this with Jimmy, he exclaimed, “I don’t think I am ever going to stop beating myself up! Maybe, Dr. Chérie, I’ll be your first failure. After all, this stuff is not foolproof. There has to be one failure in the bunch, and I guess I’m it!”
“Not so fast, Jimmy,” I answered, “If you have resigned yourself to being the exception, there is nothing I can do but let you be just that. However, if you are willing to give it another try, we can try a different tack. What do you say?”
“I’m skeptical, “he said, “but willing, so let’s get for it.”
“Some people are really hard on themselves,” I said. “The way they are cruel to themselves is by setting unattainable goals and then saying, ‘I told you so!’ when they don’t achieve the goal. It gets even more insidious than that. The goal becomes tangled and confused into an all pervasive expectation standard, which is perceived as ‘the way I am supposed to be,’ and which is vastly different from the way they are. I happen to think, Jimmy, that you suffer from this version of self-flagellation.”
Negaholics can also use the discrepancy between the expectation and the reality of the situation as ammunition for beat-ups. Observe the chart (p.158)
There are two ways to eliminate this ammunition or source of beat-up:
• You can either move the reality to meet the expectation or
• You can move the expectation to meet the reality
In either case, your goal is to match up the expectation with the reality, thus eliminating the source of beat-up.
EXPECTATION/REALITY MODEL
MARGIN FOR BEAT-UP
When I told this to Jimmy, he said, “Well, I can see moving reality to meet the expectation, but if you lowered the expectation to meet the reality, you would never challenge yourself, or strive for excellence.”
“Quite the contrary,” I said. “Once you match the two of them up, you can then move the expectation to any level you want, just as long as you don’t use the distance between the two as your margin for beat-up. It can be used as your stretch zone, but it mustn’t be used as ammunition to use against yourself. For instance, to want to drop ten pounds is a gr
eat goal, but you can’t use it as a bludgeon on yourself.”
Jimmy understood, and we set about examining his assorted margins for beat-up. He wrote down all his goals related to his physical body, his profession, his family, his hobbies, his home, his leisure time, and his secret aspirations. We then examined whether these goals were realistic or not, given the time frames. Then I asked him which goals needed to be altered so that there was a possibility of matching up the expectation set by him (his goal), with the present reality. I mentioned that if the gap between the two was too wide, there would be a significant margin for beat-up. This margin for beat-up would be seized by his mind to invalidate his progress. Our aim was to set up a winnable game that would eliminate any margin for self-recrimination.
Remember Sam, the minister’s son? This is how the expectation/reality model relates to him. The expectation that had been set by Sam’s family was to be the minister’s son. Sam was supposed to deny all worldly pleasures, practice self-denial and self-sacrifice. The reality of the situation was that Sam wanted everything hedonistic and material that he could get his hands on. The discrepancy between the expectation and the reality was his margin for beat-up. Since he couldn’t live up to the expectation that had been set by his parents he felt he wasn’t okay the way he was, and his wants were unacceptable. In order to stop this cycle, he would have to eliminate the gap and bring the expectation and the reality together.
Either he would have to live his life according to the expectations set by his parents, and move the reality to the expectation, or he would have to claim his right to live his life the way he wanted without any guilt. He would then move the expectation to become the reality. Since he was trapped in never being able to be okay by never fulfilling either his parents’ desires or his own; caught between the two, his only recourse was to:
• Find a mood enhancer to escape the reality
• Keep himself trapped in the margin for beat-up indefinitely
Negaholism is being trapped in the margin for beat-up, being told over and over again that you can’t be, do, or have what you want.
#33 The Punching – Bag Relationship
One of the ways that addictions manifest themselves is in the area of relationships. It is always nice to have a special friend with whom to spend time. Too often what seems to happen is that we use that special person as one of those inflatable clowns with sand in the base. We punch at the clown and it bounces back, so we punch harder. The game gets to be “punch the clown.” We may find ourselves in a relationship that seems like “punching the clown.” The relationship itself is a beat-up, but we can’t seem to let it go or change it.
#34 The Hall of Mirrors in Relationships
As long as you have not accepted your own unique strengths, and weaknesses, it will be difficult if not impossible to accept those differences in another person. The other person reflects back to you, magnified in 3D, and color, those parts of you that you have rejected.
It works like this: If you can’t stand the fact that he is watching TV, then maybe you never give yourself permission for leisure time. The fact that she is lying around unproductive while you go grocery shopping drives you crazy. Every time something about the other person gets under your skin, you can probably discover something valuable about your relationship with yourself.
As they look in the hall of mirrors, each person is faced with two possible options:
• Judge and criticize the other person for his short comings
Or
• See what the mirror says about you, then come to terms with the feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, fear of abandonment or entrapment
#35 Let People Be Who They Are
Have you ever heard yourself say, “Oh, I wish he were taller,” or “If only he were more affectionate,” or “I wish she weren’t so moody,” or “If only she understood my pressures and how hard it is for me.” It’s easy to wish that whatever you have were different. If you have a Smart car, and you wish it were a Porsche. If you have someone who is strong and powerful, you wish he were sensitive and open. If you have some who is fun and playful, you wish she were more serious and focused. It’s easy to wish that your mate’s qualities were different. The challenging part is to let people be who they are. If they aren’t okay with you then release them, and let them go… don’t keep them around making them wrong because they aren’t some other way.
#36 Using Your Body to Unblock Your Feelings
Think for a moment. Can you remember being down, depressed, or bummed out when you were vigorously physically active? It is extremely difficult to have your mind beat you up when you are jumping around. If you find yourself stuck in your head, becoming grim, or closing down, do something physical. If you are in casual clothes, run or jump up and down. If you are in work clothes, take a brisk walk or swing your arms. If you are alone at home, put on music and dance around the living room. Don’t get stuck in trying to figure out the best activity, just start moving around and you will feel differently in seconds.
#37 Letting the Child Within Out to Play
If the child inside says to you, “What about me? I never get to have my room a mess. The following list might need to be taken into account if you never allow yourself to be a kid:
1. Take a few bites of something and leave the rest
2. Eat only cookies
3. Stay in your pajamas
4. Dress up for no apparent reason
5. Leave your room messy
6. Wear your hair uncombed
7. Dance or sing
8. Draw, color, or paint with no objective in mind
10. Play cards, games, or do puzzles…waste time!
When you become too compulsive or take life too seriously, ask yourself if maybe the child is feeling forgotten, deprived, or lost. If the answer is “yes,” then set up some “kid time” for the child within you to play, and let yourself be a kid with no concerns.
#38 Keep Your Sense of Humor
All too often you may take yourself very seriously. Your life may seem heavy and significant. Your problems and worries may be traumatic and burdensome. At times like these, it is infinitely helpful to lighten up. Find some humor in what is happening. See of you can’t take some of the significance out of the heaviness. Have a friend on call to lighten and brighten you day. Norman Cousins said that laughter is the greatest healer. Look for creative ways to tickle your funny bone.
#39 A Commitment to Making Myself
Right, No Matter What
Because of old patterns or old habits, it is easy to slip back into self-criticism. Because of what someone says, you react to it, invalidating yourself for the way you are.
You don’t need to invalidate yourself, or anyone else for that matter, but you do need to back your choices, no matter what. You need understanding, compassion, gentleness, and support, and you need it from YOU first and foremost. After you have demonstrated that you can be there for you, then you can allow another person to be there as well, mirroring your relationship with yourself.
All of these are daily maintenance tools. It is critical that you are equipped to handle emergencies. The next chapter is about managing yourself under crisis.
8
Additional Tools For
Critical Moments
Emergency Measures
You now have the tools for daily maintenance, but what happens when you have a full – blown negattack? Vicious, vindictive, and venomous, a Negattack can destroy your self-esteem. Consider the following techniques as an emergency tool kit.
Help!
It helps to know what to do, step-by-step, as if you were following a procedure. If you don’t know exactly what to do when a Negattack hits unexpectedly, you may be in crisis before you know it. In order to design a procedure that will work for you, you need to have a certain amount of self-knowledge. You need to know what immobilizes you, and what works to mobilize you. You need to know what works for you. You need to take action, and know how to
reverse a downward corkscrew. The following are tools designed for critical moments rather than daily maintenance. When you have a panic attack, a Negattack, or when everything else fails, open to this list to pull yourself out of the pattern.
#40 How to Conduct
An Attitude Adjustment
Perhaps you have noticed that there are moments when you’re grumpy. These are the times when you need an attitude adjustment. An attitude adjustment involves taking charge of a Negaholic mindset or behavior and reversing it. There are a variety of things that you can do, but first you must have the intention to adjust your attitude. You need to feel a desire to change your attitude. If you do, here are some of the things you can do:
• Throw cold water on your face
• Take a shower
• Take a bath
• Go for a brisk walk
• Jump up and down
• Turn the music up and dance
• Listen to music that you love
• Lie down and elevate your legs
• Take three deep breaths
• Scream into a pillow
• Get a hug from someone you love
#41 Use Panic Creatively
Most addictive personalities become panicky at the anticipation of a Negattack. The thought of having the demons take over and start running the show is anxiety producing to say the least. One way to counterbalance the Negattack is to do the opposite of what most of us naturally do. When you imagine an attack coming on, you will most often put on the brakes, resist it, and try to avoid it. The resistance only creates persistence. You will become like a creature caught up in a tornado, sucked into the centripetal force of the velocity. The next time you anticipate a Negattack coming on, instead of resisting it, go with it. Act it out, dramatize it, make it very theatrical, the external demonstration of what is going on inside your head. Say the words, have your body move with the gestures and have fun making a grand physical display in private. You need to have a safe space in which to have this event, one where people will not judge you, where you can rant and rave with complete abandon. You don’t want to do this at work, where people may think you have lost your mind. Make sure you have scouted out those places that are safe for you, where you can try on new behaviors and explore alternatives to your previous ways of operating. Experiment with this, not as an answer but merely as an alternative to gray hair and ulcers.
Negaholics Page 15