Negaholics

by Cherie Carter-Scott

  #42 Pulverizing a Panic Attack

  Tina had to move. Her landlady had sold the house she was living in, and the date for the move had been set. Tina had carefully made plans to organize the move. She had figured out where she was going, where all of her things were going, and everything was fully prepared. Three days before the move, she received a phone call from the woman she was moving in with saying that she had changed her mind and wanted to live alone, and would she please not move in. Tina had a full-blown panic attack. It sounded like this: “You idiot! Why did you plan to move in with her, you know how unpredictable she is. Now where are you going to go? You have no fall back plan. What will you do?”

  This Is a Job for the Good Fairy

  Before Tina totally lost it, she called me and said, “Would you be the good fairy and tell me how everything that has happened to me is perfect? I’ve lost my perspective and the demons have taken over.”

  I, of course, agreed. Tina was at a loss about what to do. I suggested that she “listen for a message.”

  She complained that she had screwed everything up. I assured her that it was much better to know now how her new roommate felt before she moved in with her, rather than after the fact.

  I emphasized, “If you didn’t find out now, then you might have to go through the inconvenience of moving twice.” Tina was still upset with her friend’s inflexibility because of the limited time involved. I urged her to consider the situation as a benefit, one that would save her wear and tear. “Finding out the truth later would only compound the situation,” I said casually. However, Tina kept insisting, “I’ll be on the street, with nowhere to go.”

  I reminded her, “Look, things have always worked out in the past. When were you last on the street? Trust that everything will work out. Put everything in God’s hands. Call all your friends and ask who knows of a place where you can stay for a month or more. Then wait and see what turns up.”

  And so the dialogue continued, until Tina started hearing what the good fairy was saying to her, and the panic attack subsided. The function of the good fairy is to change the perspective and focus on the positive. See if there isn’t someone in your life who could function as your Good Fairy. When you start to have a panic attack, you can send up a flare summoning the Good Fairy.

  #43 Designing Your Own Fire Drill

  When you were a child in school, you probably had fire drills to ensure that in the event of a real fire everyone would know exactly what to do. The fire drill was rehearsed so that all he children followed the procedure automatically, without thinking and without panicking. In my school, when the fire alarm sounded we immediately put down everything in our hands, stood up, and silently formed a single line. We then calmly followed the head of the line, not running, but moving as swiftly as possible. I remember our fire drills to this day. If I heard a fire alarm I would respond as mechanically as Pavlov’s dog.

  A fire drill is very important to a Negaholic. It is a procedure that you follow without thinking when you get a signal that you are in danger. You custom design it for yourself, and you rehearse it over and over so that it is drilled into your memory when there is an emergency, so that when the alarm goes off, you respond automatically.

  For example, if you feel a Negattack coming on, you might do one of the following:

  • BREATHE. The first sign of an attack is shortness of breath. It may sound elementary, but taking three deep breaths from your diaphragm can stop the machinery for an instant and give a chance to get hold of yourself. You may want to put a sign up in various strategic places – on your bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator, on the wall above your desk, on the dashboard of your car – to remind you to stop, breathe and suspend the attack. BREATHE!

  • START MOVING. Take a walk around the office, around the block, around your house; jump up and down in place; if jumping is too vigorous, march in place; if the environment can support it and you won’t hurt yourself, stand on your head. Movement is critical to getting out of your head. After all, that is where Negattacks happen. So get into your body to get out of your head.

  • MIRRORED SELF-TALK. Coach yourself in the mirror. Use the one on your cell phone. Your fire drill buzzword might be cell phone…remind yourself, “We’ll get through this one together.”

  • IF YOU LIKE TO WRITE THINGS DOWN, then the buzzword might be “tablet” or “pad.” Download all thoughts onto the tablet or the paper. Don’t be concerned about making sense, or being organized. Just write down whatever is on your mind. You can look at it later, but for the moment just get it out of your head.

  • IF YOU LIKE TO TALK, then you may want to reach out. Reaching out takes three forms: face-to-face, over the phone, and on the computer. You may want to set up an agreement with a friend whereby you can have that person be your fire drill buddy so you can call him/her when you feel a Negattack coming on. Consider using your recorder on your phone if you friend is unavailable.

  Do It Right

  One thing to watch for is trying to figure out the right way to do your fire drill. There is no right way. There is only your way , and your way is whatever works for you. Don’t force yourself to design your fire drill in any way that is not easy and natural for you. Remember, a fire drill is automatic, and requires no effort. Your fire drill needs to be automatic, effortless, and mindless. The purpose of a fire drill is to get you to react automatically so that you can get yourself out of a potentially dangerous situation swiftly and efficiently and without thinking. This can be a fun exercise, especially if you take into consideration the way you work and what works for you.

  These are the steps to designing an effective fire drill:

  • First make a list of the situations, people, and environments in which you most often have Negattacks.

  • Then list “cues” which could snap you out present time (or whatever time frame you have slipped into) and alert you that it is time to do something different.

  • Choose one cue, and list four action steps you could take after receiving the cue. Your fire drill must be simple, and easy to remember. You need to be able to receive the cue, and automatically respond with four simple actions to get you out of potential danger.

  Ollie was highly reactive. He was afraid of his panic attacks. He and I collaborated on a four – step fire drill, which he could use whenever he felt panicky. He told me that the ring he wore was very special to him and he wanted it to be part of the fire drill. I thought this was a great beginning, and asked, “How do you want to use the ring?”

  “I want to think the word ‘ring’ then I want to touch the ring with the fingers of my other hand. Then I want to breathe. Lastly, I want to say my name, the date, time, and the place where I am at that moment to remind myself who and where I am. This procedure will enable me to get into the present moment so that I can choose whether or not I want to get upset.”

  In the early stages of the Negaholic recovery process, it is important to know how to deal with Negattacks; they will eventually diminish, but in the beginning they will still be part of the old pattern.

  #44 One Day at a Time

  “One day at a time” is a phrase used by Alcoholics Anonymous and is enormously valuable to any addictive personality. The addictive personality tends to view situations as a continuum with no mileposts, no beginning, and no end. The phrase “One day at a time” puts things into perspective so that you focus on today, not the rest of your life, or the next ten years, but just getting through one day, today. Whether it means going without a cigarette, without coffee, sugar, or without beating yourself up, the commitment is not forever, for a year, or even for three months, it is for today. Making a commitment for forever is frightening. If you have an addictive personality, it is difficult to trust yourself to do or not to do anything “forever.” We have little idea of what forever means.

  Most people can imagine making and keeping a commitment for today. You have a sense of what a day means, and for one day you can trust yourself to h
onor your commitment. There are times, however. When one day seems like too much to confront. At those times, commit yourself to whatever works. Commit yourself to one hour at a time, and then check in after one hour and see how you are doing. Then renew your commitment for the next hour and congratulate yourself for keeping your commitment for the last hour, and so on.

  #45 The Practical Use of Prayer

  Prayer does not have to be something that is reserved for the clergy, monks, or yogis. Prayer in the simplest of terms is having a talk with an entity who has a broader perspective than you have and can possibly affect changes over which you have little or no power.

  The two most basic forms of prayer are asking for something and thanking for something. Asking for something is simply making a request: “Could you please help my friend with cancer?” “Could you please send helping energy to my friends in trauma?” Praying is reaching out and asking for what you want, for yourself or others “Please, help me get through this day!” “Could you help me stop beating myself up!” “God, I’d really appreciate having a new client within the next thirty days, if it is the right thing in the grand scheme of things.”

  The other side of prayer is thanking. You must remember to say thank you whenever you receive what you requested, in case you want to have more of your wishes granted. So when you obtain the new client that you requested, you say, “Thank you so much for hearing my prayers and bringing me a new client. I am very grateful”

  #46 The Pitfalls of Prayer

  There are two major pitfalls when it comes to prayer. The first is turning everything over to God and sitting back and doing nothing yourself to bring about the desired results. The second pitfall is that, after receiving something that you requested, you think you did it all by yourself with no help from the other side. If you prayed, you need to acknowledge that you did so. If you take all the credit yourself, then you invalidate the fact that you had your prayers answered or that you received help. You need to watch out for these two pitfalls: helplessness and taking all the credit. Remember, you don’t have to believe in God in order to pray?

  #47 Counting Your Blessings

  Like all addicted Negaholics, we tend to focus on the negative. There is a childhood game that shows three simple addition problems:

  6 8 9

  +4 +5 +7

  10 12 16

  When you look at the three sets of numbers, what do you see? Now answer honestly. Do you see two that are accurate and one that is inaccurate? Do you see one that is off by just one? Or do you see the way most of us are trained to see, “That one is WRONG!” Most of us look at those three sets of numbers and see only one thing, the one that is wrong. We don’t even notice the two that are correct. Just like when you read the newspapers, what is the focus? You read about bombings, murders, rapes, droughts, assassinations, fires, wars; about exposing graft, corruption, dishonesty, immorality, financial disasters, and immorality in our leaders. For the most part, our society focuses on what is wrong, and we are subconsciously trained to think this way. We discount the positive and dwell on the negative.

  In order to change this mindset, you have to behave like a salmon swimming upstream, you have to go against the current. This applies not only to your world focus, but also to your focus in your own life. It pertains to the way you focus on your relationship with yourself as well as your relationship to those around you. So often we take things for granted. The most obvious area is health. We take for granted the fact that we are healthy. We often postpone procedures because we find it an inconvenience or we feel invincible. You start to appreciate your health when you no longer have it.

  #48 Maneuvering Out of the Muck and Mire

  Nancy was having particular difficulties with her primary relationship. She and Robert were picking on each other and fighting about insignificant details. She was clearly distressed. I asked her if there was anything to be grateful for, and she replied sadly, “I don’t think so.” The problems she was experiencing in her relationship had eclipsed everything else.

  I pressed her to look and see if there wasn’t just one thing that she could be grateful for. She thought for a moment, and said glumly, “I’m alive, I guess I could be thankful for that.”

  I said, “That’s a start, is there another?”

  After some rooting around she started to name other items that she might be grateful for. First, her daughter was healthy, happy, and in great shape. She was doing some of the best work that she had even done. Then, her car was running well, her bills were paid, her hair looked great, and she’d actually disappeared two pounds. She got started on a roll, and her list began to snowball.

  Her face started to change before my eyes, and I watch her brighten and lighten up. She started to get excited and then pulled herself out of the muck and mire and into sunlight.

  When you are feeling caught in the muck, make yourself a “Blessing” list. On this list you put everything you have to be grateful for. You list the obvious, and especially those things that you normally would take for granted. After you write it, then you must read it over three times to let it sink in.

  #49 Reaching Out to Others

  As I have said before, it is so easy to lose your perspective. It is easy to forget that other people have situations in their lives that are similar to your own. The crashing blow to your ego is that you are not alone; your problems may seem horrendous, but they are not unique, and someone, somewhere, has probably been through all these challenges. This is disarming to most of us, who think that our problems are the most significant, the most difficult, and should be kept as secrets. We think that no one could possibly understand, and that we are alone in our dilemma.

  The heart of the matter is that the more you reach out to others to gain perspective, validity, or support, the more you feel “normal.” It is important to feel “normal.” The more “different” you feel, the more you can feel alienated, and separated. The more separation and alienation you feel, the greater a Negaholic you can become. The reason is that by yourself, the voices have a greater opportunity to take over. Before you know it you have a reign of terror on your hands.

  Reaching out to others can be embarrassing. The reason it is embarrassing is because we think we are supposed to be perfect, and be able to handle everything by ourselves. To admit that you are not perfect, that you don’t have all the answers, and that you may need someone outside yourself to help could be embarrassing. How many of us have the unrealistic expectation that we are supposed to be perfect, to do everything perfectly the first time, and to have no problems? How cruel of us to inflict this pressure on ourselves.

  #50 Murmur a Mantra

  When you find yourself in the familiar perfectionist pattern, choose a slogan, or murmur a mantra to remind you that it can be different. Here are some examples of ones to choose:

  • “You only learn from making mistakes. You have to do something in order to make a mistake, in order to learn.”

  • “Everything is practice.”

  • “People who don’t make mistakes don’t make anything.”

  • “I do have a choice. I can choose to not be perfect.”

  #51 Using Positive Triggers as

  a Tap on the Shoulder

  Just like murmuring mantras, having “pet phrases,” which you can call forth at moments of need, really helps. These pet phrases act as positive triggers and serve as a tap on the shoulder. Their purpose is to remind you that you have a choice, and you don’t have to handle this situation in the same way that you have always handled it previously. You have the right, the ability, and the power to change your behavior if you want to. We so often forget this, that we need reminders. We think that either we don’t have the right, we’re unable, or we don’t possess the power to change our behavior.

  Some examples of pet phrases are:

  • This is a pattern.

  • You have the power to choose.

  • You don’t have to go crazy.

  • How
could you do this differently?

  • This situation is temporary. It will pass.

  • Hang in there, things will change

  Choose one of the above or make up your own. Write it down and place it in strategic places around your home, office, or car. Use it whenever you need a reminder that you are in charge, that you have the right to conduct your life the way you choose.

  #52 The Power of Choice

  You forget how much power you really have. When you choose something, you exercise your ability and your power to determine what will happen. You demonstrate that you know what needs to happen… that you are willing to state what must happen, and that you are willing to be responsible for the consequences resulting from your choice. When you choose, you silence the naysayer and move into the land of certainty. You take action with direction and conviction. When you remain indecisive, you inhibit your innate knowingness, your ability to cause things to happen. It is very important to remember that you have the power to choose.

  #53 Maybe It’s Behind the Mayonnaise?

  Lucy was always entertaining. One day she came into my office and said, “My objective for this session is to find out what I am doing when I wander aimlessly around the kitchen” I wasn’t really sure what she was talking about, and I asked for an explanation.

  She said, “It happened just the other night. I went into the kitchen, opened the fridge, looked around, then closed it. Then I went to the cupboard, opened it, looked around, and then closed it. Then I went to the bread bin, inspected it, then closed it. Then I went back to the fridge, opened the door, and thought to myself, ‘It must be here somewhere. I know it must be here!’ I stood there looking into this array of food thinking, “Is it behind the mayonnaise? Or maybe it’s hiding behind the milk carton? Perhaps it’s in one of the drawers? I found myself looking for something. The truth of the matter is that I wasn’t hungry. I was looking for something to fill a void.”