by Mary Smith
Her mouth dropped. Shade knew exactly what he said and didn’t regret a single word. He loved her and knew it after their first meeting.
“I’m falling for you as well,” she replied.
Shade never thought he would ever have someone love him. He never felt love in his life until Jenessa. She completed him, in every possible way.
No, they were apart. Now, they weren’t talking. Now, they were over.
No, his love didn’t diminish. He would still give his life for her, but he didn’t know how to fix their relationship and marriage.
Grabbing his laptop off the nightstand, he opened it to the search engine. He hated to type the words, but he did.
Divorce attorneys.
He couldn’t believe how many came up. Immediately, he felt overwhelmed. Where would he start? Who did he know that could even help him? He already knew he wanted to give everything to Jenessa. He only wanted to get the rest of his clothes and personal items from the house.
“What the fuck?”
Shade jumped at the sound of Mikayla’s raised voice.
“What are you doing?” She glared down at him. “Are you serious?”
“Kay, you know it’s time. I can’t hold off the inevitable.” He closed the laptop and glanced up at her.
“She just needs time.” Her tone lowered, and she sat down on the side of the bed. “I know her. You know her. She’s still processing everything.”
Shaking his head, he didn’t know what to say.
“You know this,” she reiterated with a firmer tone. “You have to keep fighting for her.”
Closing his eyes, he dropped his head. “I have fought. I have fought so damn hard. I don’t know if I have the strength to fight anymore. Not to mention, she’s not even contacted me. She doesn’t want me anymore.”
As he said the words, they cut deeper into his broken heart. He didn’t know he could feel any more pain, but here it was.
“Please, Shade, for me,” his sister-in-law begged. “Don’t do anything. I know she’ll contact you.”
“Really?” he slightly snapped. Normally, he’d never lose it with anyone but anger was building up inside him. “If she loved me so damn much, why did she let me go?”
Mikayla’s expression softened into a deeper sadness. “You both have been through a lot together. I don’t want to see either of you throw in the towel when you’re meant to be together.”
At one time, he believed it too. Hell, he wanted it still. If she called him right now, he’d race over to her. He’d run if he had to. She was his soul.
“She doesn’t love me anymore. Maybe she loves me but not the way it was before Clay’s death. I have done everything I could possibly think of to show her how much I love her, and I’d be there for her. What did I get in return? Nothing. I was in pain too. I cried too. I yelled too. Who was there for me? Who helped me through my grief?” He felt the burn of the tears threatening to fall, but he stopped them.
“Promise me, you’ll give her just a little more time,” Mikayla begged.
“Fine,” he said deadpan. However, this time, he couldn’t keep his word. “I need to be alone, Mikayla.”
Standing up, she stepped over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. “I love you, Shade. I know it might not mean much, but I will always be here for you.”
He nodded. He knew how much Mikayla loved him, and he loved her.
She did leave the bedroom and after a moment, his nerves calmed. Opening his laptop again, he stared at the screen. Clicking on a few links, he read a few reviews from previous clients. Nothing seemed to be jumping out at him. All the words began to run together. He closed it again and placed it on the bed. He’d have to worry about it another day.
Shade stretched out on the bed, turning on the TV. He wanted to do something mindless in hope to clear his mind and body of the erratic emotions pulsing through him. He doubted the 90s sitcom reruns would help him, but at this point, anything would be worth trying.
He sat through several episodes before a knock on the door came. “Mikayla, I’m not in the mood,” he shouted.
“It’s not Mikayla.”
The voice on the other side of the door made him jump to his feet, shut off the TV, and quickly open the door. “Hello.”
Standing outside his bedroom were his bosses, Janan Long-Baer and Nova Long. The owners of the New Hampshire Bears. Neither of them looked happy.
“We need to have a meeting,” Janan said, pushing her way in.
She had always been the alpha of the owners, and Nova was the brains. Oliver Matthews, their godfather and previous owner, knew exactly who would be best for the team when he retired.
“We just need to speak with you for a few moments,” Nova clarified, stepping into the room.
“Of course.” He shut the door, suddenly becoming nervous. He didn’t know how they knew he was at Jarvis’s place nor why they were there. Certainly, it had to do with his trade. “What do you want to talk about?”
“You and your stupid idea of being traded,” Janan snapped at him, crossing her arms.
“She means, we’d like to talk about other options for you not involving you leaving the Bears,” again, Nova spoke.
“Look—”
“Nope.” Janan cut him off. “We’re going first. Sit down.” She took the chair and pointed to the bed. He and Nova sat on the side.
“I’ll start,” Nova spoke faster the Janan could open her mouth. “There are some big, and I mean big, changes coming to the team, and we want you to be part of them.”
“What she said,” Janan added.
Shade softly sighed. “You both know I love the Bears, and I feel at home on the ice there, but so much has happened in my personal life. I don’t think Manchester is the right place for me at this time.” He tried to sound as professional as possible belting out his marriage was over.
“Have you been practicing that in a mirror?” Janan smarted off.
“Janan.” Nova glared at her. “Leave him alone.”
Instead of answering her cousin, she shook her head.
“Shade.” Nova took over the conversation. “We’re going to tell you something only a few know. We want you to keep it between us. Deal?”
He nodded. He would never betray their trust. They’ve been outstanding to him.
“Dad’s retiring.”
“What?” Shade’s expression turned to shock. “Coach Long is retiring.”
“Uncle Taden feels it’s time for him to enjoy his life,” Nova began to explain.
Taden Long, Janan’s father and Nova’s uncle, was the head coach for the New Hampshire Bears and had been for almost a decade. He was a beloved Bears’ member.
“This means we need a coach,” Nova continued.
Dubious to where this talk would be heading, he didn’t say anything else and waited.
“You know we are getting closer to training camp, and it’ll be harder for a new coach to come in and just “be ready”.” Nova air quoted. “However, one is going to step up to the position.”
“Who?” Shade racked his brain trying to think of who would step up to fill the shoes of Coach Long.
“Hamilton.”
Of all the names in the world, of all the universe, Shade would have never ever thought the Bears’ captain and Janan’s husband, Hamilton Baer, would be the next coach.
“He’s retiring as a player and going to take over this season and see how it goes.” Nova kept talking as he tried to figure out what the hell was happening.
“Teo and Nathan will be traded.”
This made him jump to his feet. “What? Both our goalies are going? Are you going to let Teo go?” His question was directed at Nova. She and Teo had been in a long-term relationship and had a child together.
“He’s aware and understands this is for the good of the team,” Nova disclosed to him. “I’m not happy, but this is about the Bears and not our personal life.”
“Who’s goi
ng to replace them? We can’t start training camp with no goalies. Plus, someone is needed to take Hamilton’s position.” Even though he knew they were privy to this information, he felt the need to say it.
“We’re in talks with Liam Green, Jacob Wallace, and Blake Naylor,” Nova tried to reassure him.
She couldn’t have said three bigger names in the PHL right now. Liam Green was the top goalie of the league. Jacob Wallace was number two and really not that far behind Liam. Then Blake Naylor was a complete powerhouse. Shade played against him for many, many years and lost more than won.
“Are you certain?” Shade wanted to be sure they were coming. All three of them would be the best contribution to the Bears.
“Over ninety percent sure,” Janan jumped in.
“Wow.” Shade sat back down and then reality hit. “Wait, why are you telling me this?”
“Because we want you to be the new captain,” Nova said softly as if not to startle him.
“Wh…what? Me? Captain?” It was a word he never associated with himself.
“Shade, you’re an essential piece to the Bears. The fans have loved you deeply. You’re one of our top scorers and have been consistent since day one. The team respects you. You have the ability to keep everyone calm and focused even when Uncle Taden couldn’t do it. You are a captain without the C. Now, this is your chance to have the official title.” Nova’s words were some of the kindest he’d heard in a long time.
“Have teams contacted you about me?” he inquired.
“You want the hard truth?” Janan questioned with a hard stare.
“Yes.”
“Yes, they have, but I told them you were staying,” she answered truthfully.
“Which was wrong,” Nova jumped in. “I told her and Cabel.”
Pushing his hand through his hair, he shouldn’t have been shocked. Every time he called Cabel, he would say, “Nothing yet,” and he knew he was lying.
“You belong in Manchester. You belong as a Bear. And you sure as hell belong as a captain,” Janan stated.
He had no words. The reasons he needed to leave Manchester had nothing to do with the Bears. It had been because of his personal life. Sure, wearing the C on his chest was never a real dream but an honor all the same. He loved his teammates, staff, and everyone who worked with the Bears. Not to mention, a massive change in the coaching staff would rock the Bears and the PHL. A highly recognized player taking over the coaching slot would fill the headlines for weeks.
“You can think about it.” Nova began to stand.
“Why?” Janan’s voice cut in. “This is your chance to make a true difference in Bears’ history.”
“My marriage is over,” he suddenly blurted out to them.
“Are you officially divorced?” she countered, not surprised by his statement.
“No.”
“Then you have a chance to fix it. You can’t do it if you’re on the other side of the country playing for a different team. Plus, I don’t take you as someone who runs away from a challenge.”
The silence fell around them, and he let the conversation settle.
“Let me add this. Off the records, of course.” Janan leaned closer to him. “If you stay as the captain, for one season and end up truly hating it, then I give you my word to trade you to the top team in the league. No matter how difficult it is. I promise you can leave.”
He said nothing. They just stared at each other.
“We can give you until tomorrow to decide.” Janan stood up.
“No.” He sighed. “I know the answer already.” He knew this change in his life would be a good one or the worst decision of his life.
Chapter Six
Jenessa
When Jenessa received Greer’s early morning text, she almost said no. Hot yoga at seven in the morning didn’t sound pleasing. The only reason she went was because she loved yoga and had been enjoying Greer’s company. Hot yoga never brought her joy. She didn’t mind sweating…just not at that particular level.
“Morning.” Greer’s cheery greeting made her wonder how much caffeine she already had.
“Hey, Greer.” Jenessa gave her a small smile, opened her mat and placed it near hers.
“I’m surprised you came. I figured you’d have to work.”
“I do.” She nodded. “But I don’t have to be in right away.”
In truth, she dreaded going into work today. She laid in bed for a while debating if she should take another sick day. Nothing seemed to motivate her to remove herself from the bed. Short of yoga.
The instructor strolled in as Jenessa felt the sweat began to form all over her body. No one smelled good or looked sexy after this class. Unless they were into the sweat/wet look. As the class began, Jenessa cleared her mind and started focusing on her poses. As she moved, she began to think about her life. Something she did with yoga. Shade, her job, Mikayla, her future. Mostly Shade.
Jenessa hadn’t even been sleeping in their bed. She’d been falling asleep on the sectional in the den. Wrapping herself in his blanket gave her comfort and made her feel close to him. She hadn’t said it out loud to anyone because she knew it sounded insane.
Continuing to follow the instructor, her job floated into the forefront. Tiffany had already sent her numerous texts regarding her schedule and reminding her not to forget the abundance of unread emails sitting in her inbox. None of which she read or answered back. She didn’t care anymore. Her job had been a security blanket for her. Especially after Clay died. Work kept her pain away. Now, she’s realizing it hadn’t been the best way to deal with everything.
When the session ended, the instructor advised everyone to begin the meditation process. Jenessa sat in position and began to breathe in and out, clearing it all from her mind. Shade kept popping into her head, and she couldn’t release the memories flooding her. The instructor told them to open their eyes and Jenessa felt the tears on her cheeks mixed in with all the sweat. Turning to Greer, she was given a small, sad smile. Any person would know the difference between sweat and tears. Jenessa wiped away the tears with a towel at the end of her mat and began gathering her items.
“Do you have time to get some juice?” Greer asked.
She knew by her tone, Greer hoped for her to say yes. Honestly, she couldn’t say no. Having a drink with her would delay her going to work. “Sure.”
After they ordered and received their drinks and found a table, Greer asked how she was doing.
“I’m taking everything day-by-day.”
“You don’t have to lie to me. How is it really going?”
She didn’t know what happened or where it even came from. However, the flood gates opened and Jenessa poured out her feelings. All of them.
“I told you Shade had come by and took some stuff and since that day, I have been more broken than ever before. It made it real. More real than him just leaving. He hadn’t called me or contacted me in any way. Not to mention, I hate my job. I do. And I hate that Mikayla was right about it being a crutch. I have used work as an excuse for so long.” She paused as the tears burned behind her eyes again. “I just want him and our life back.”
“Then why aren’t you contacting him?” Greer questioned. “Why are you waiting for him to call you?”
“Because for the past three years, he’s been trying everything and anything to put our lives together and I’ve tried everything and anything to keep him at arm’s length.” She stared at her. “He’s over it and me. He’s given me a thousand chances to break out of my depression and pain—both of which I haven’t yet—and he’s done.”
Greer slowly shook her head. “No, he’s not. Edgar told him how sad he is.”
Mikayla had told her the same thing, but she knew the little bit of pain he was feeling would go away once he moved on with his life. “He’ll be better without me.”
“You’re wrong. You’re one hundred percent wrong. You are going to regret not contacting Shade. He wants you as much as you want him. Both of y
ou need to sit down and talk about it all. Get it out there in the open and fix it. It’s the only way that you can truly heal.”
Greer’s words stuck with Jenessa as she left the studio and went back home to get ready for work. When she walked into the office, the words laid heavier on her heart. Heavy enough to cause her to forget about work. Three hours hadn’t even passed, when she told Tiffany she was leaving and going home. Tiffany’s shocked face said it all to her. She’d barely been to work since Shade left. Had it been a year ago, she would have gone even crazier leaving early. Today, she didn’t care.
Jenessa drove around Manchester unsure where to go or what to do but had the whole day free to do whatever she wanted. There was one place she did love to go to. The library. Shade and she both loved to read and go to the library. She remembered on the weekends during the offseason, they would spend hours there. Reading and hanging out.
After she parked and was strolling up to the doors, she enjoyed the sun on her skin and face. Even though it was warm and humid, she welcomed it. She was free of the office. Inside the library, she began to head to the fictional section. Not looking for anything in particular, she just moved slowly up and down the aisles, glancing at the spines of books. Picking out a couple of books she headed over to one of the seating areas and relaxed on a couch then thumbed through the pages of the numerous books. She read several pages of each book, ensuring that they had captured her attention and then went to the checkout counter. Stopping at her favorite sub shop, she ordered her lunch to go and drove home.
When she walked into her home, she quickly dropped her items off in the den and raced upstairs. She stripped out of her clothes and slipped into a pair of sweats and one of Shade’s T-shirts she’d hidden away. He didn’t care she wore his clothes, but she still hid it. She washed off her makeup and twisted her hair into a messy top knot.
Once in the den, she laid out her sub on a small TV tray Shade had kept in there and then stretched her legs out onto the ottoman. Picking up her book, she let the quiet set in, and she embraced the world on the pages. She loved reading because it took her away from the real world around her. Many would believe she loved reading biographies. Many would never believe her go-to genre was romantic comedy. Long ago, she used to laugh all the time. She’d smile all the time. She was happy.