by Penny Blush
I rolled over on my side, pulled the blankets around me and snuggled into my pillow, warm and contented. That lasted for all of about five seconds before my blankets were yanked from my body and thrown on the floor.
“Get your ass moving. Your turning to pudding laying in that bed.”
“Malcolm, fuck off,” I grouched grabbing my blankets off the floor, huffing through my nose like an angry bull.
“You now have ten minutes to be in the kitchen for breakfast. If I have to come back in here you’ll get wet,” he said walking from my room.
His final comment had me, begrudgingly, heading into my bathroom. Last time he made that threat, and I ignored him, I was rudely woken by a bucket of cold water being thrown at me. I used the bathroom got changed and made it into the kitchen with seconds to spare. Malcolm fed me a high protein breakfast and then worked me until I dropped.
He wasn’t wrong, I had turned to pudding lying around and sleeping all day while I healed. The second day when he came to wake me I was sore everywhere, my unused muscles screaming in protest. I grumbled, bitched and moaned through the first week. With each day it got easier. By the time I was injury and bruise free I was back to being able to run rings around him.
Eight weeks.
Eight long weeks I had been away, and I was more than ready to go home. I said goodbye to Uncle Charlie and Malcolm, spent a few days with Kelly and Sam before Malcolm picked me up to start my long journey home.
My luggage was light. I had a small backpack with a few clothes, a new burner phone and noise cancelling headphones and that was all. Anything I brought to London with me except for Memphis’ shirt were all destroyed in an industrial furnace that Uncle Charlie had access to. Anything that was left at Uncle Charlie’s that had anything to do with Morningstar was added to the flames. Morningstar was dead, and I wanted all of her gone. My phones and laptops were all fried in a microwave before being submerged in an acid bath for seventy-two hours, then sent to the furnace. I was there through every step of the process. I wanted to make sure it was all destroyed, for good.
As I hadn’t entered the country on my passport therefore I had to leave the same way.
Once again, I had to take the long way around. The long way involved different forms of transport, several costume changes and four different countries. But, it was all worth it. One final leg of the journey and I would be home. I told Jaxon and Memphis, roughly when I would be home but not exactly, just in case there were any further delays.
I was once again hiding out in the belly of a cargo plane, noise cancelling headphone on wishing I was anywhere but here. I was restless and exhausted, nervous and excited. I just wanted to be home. I wanted to be in the arms of my man and see my family again. I just want to get back to my life and start my future.
“Hey J,” Morningstar whispered about twenty minutes later.
“I thought you had gone,” I replied. “Where have you been?”
“Not far,” she replied.
In my mind I could see her taking a seat beside me. I could imagine her flopping down on the couch beside me at home. Propping her booted feet up on my coffee table pulling the blanket from the back of the couch across our laps.
“You haven’t been around,” I commented shifting to make myself more comfortable.
“You didn’t need me,” I could sense her shoulder shrug.
“Morningstar, and I mean this in the nicest way, I hope to never need you again.”
“You and me both J, you and me both.”
“Why are you here now?” I asked. “Not that I mind, I kinda like the company, but you’ve been away for weeks.”
“Well, I wanted to make sure you are okay. Last time you left Charlie you were in such a bad place, I wanted to make sure that none of that had resurfaced. And I wanted to say goodbye,” she almost sounded sad.
Whether or not I wanted to acknowledge it, I always knew Morningstar was there waiting in the shadows of my mind until I needed her. She had never interfered in my life, never tried to take over, she was just there offering support and guidance.
Morningstar had never said goodbye before when she receded in to the back ground. The fact she wanted to now, made it seem so final. She wanted to say goodbye, and it left me feeling a little panicked.
“I’m fine, better than fine,” I said hoping that my words sounded more convincing than they felt. “I wish I had access to those magic pills the last time. I would have recovered a hellava lot faster.” I laughed trying to use humour to mask the pain building at the thought of her leaving. “I’m happy. I’m going home back to a life I built, that I love and relatively in one piece. I’m not going home to a life I have to remake after putting myself back together. So, you see I’m fine.”
We were both silent for a while, lost in our own thoughts. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her yet. I liked that I had someone to talk to while I was stuck in the cargo hull of the plane.
“How does it feel to be dead?” I asked.
“Not that bad. I thought it would, I don’t know… hurt more. I’d hear a choir of angels or something,” she laughed then added. “I want you to do something for me.”
“I think I owe you at least one favour,” I answered.
“Have a good life for me okay. In the eyes of the world I’m dead, so you have nothing holding you back. Do what you want, go where you want, travel the world. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your life. Stop looking over your shoulder.”
“I don’t look over my shoulder,” I bristled.
“You do. You forget that I know you. I am you. You may not know of it, but you are constantly on the lookout for danger. It’s not coming, so stop looking. Look forward not back, forget the past and focus of the future.”
“I am a little sad you know,” I said my words catching in my throat.
“Why is that?”
“Because, you’ve been with me forever. You are a part of me. It’s been so long since I’ve just been me, only me. I don’t know if I know how to be me without you”
“You’ll figure it out. You were an amazing person before me and you’ll be just as amazing without me.”
“I don't know how to thank you for everything you have done and what you help me survive,” I said tears welling in my eyes.
“You don't have to thank me for anything. You made me who I am. There would be no me without you, don’t forget that. All the tough badass things I got credit for - was all you. That was your inner strength and determination.”
“Yeah, but it was because of you I could do and get through all the awful things I did. It made it easier because I could put them all on you. I could blame you, so I wouldn’t blame myself. It helped me believe I didn’t have that kind of darkness in my soul.”
“J, we all have darkness. Some embrace it, and some chose to let the light out shine it. That’s you. You chose the light. You only focus on the bad things we did, but what about all the people you helped by removing one more low life evil piece of shit from the earth? J, you’re not evil so don’t for a second believe that. It might not have been the cleanest most law-abiding way to go, but you made a positive difference in the world. You should take the credit for that,” she said with determination.
“Okay but only if you can keep the credit for all the horrible things.”
“Deal.”
I knew it was me.
I knew it was all on me.
I promise I haven’t lost my banana. I am fully aware that Morningstar and I are the same person, but it helped me to cope. She helped me to compartmentalise everything that happened after the attack at Scarlet up to the beat out and then my recovery.
“I will miss you kid. But I will always be here if you need me,” Morningstar said. “Goodbye. I love you.”
“I love you too,” I whispered as tears slid down my cheeks.
I felt her fade away and then, she was gone.
It was like walking out of a noisy room and into silence. At first the lack of noise was overw
helming, the space felt too big and you too small, but then you find comfort in the silence.
I was a little scared that the person getting off the plane would be different to the one who got on two months ago.
Chapter 53 Memphis
She was coming home.
After disappearing in the middle of the night and eight long weeks she was coming home. I will kick her ass. Then make love to her for days and then kick her ass again. But, all of that would happen after I held her in my arms and checked every inch of her to make sure she was okay.
I was bouncing off the walls, fidgeting and I couldn’t sit still. Jupiter, my Hedge, was going to let me know when she was due to land, so I could meet her at the airport. The second my phone pinged I would be out the door, at the airport waiting at the arrivals gate ready to wrap her up in my arms and never let her go.
I tried everything to calm my nervous energy. I cleaned the apartment top to bottom, I reorganised the stock room at the shop and I ran. I ran for miles and miles. I must have lapped the river, bridge to bridge at least four times and I still couldn’t sit still.
I kept thinking about seeing my girl again. I don’t think I had ever been this excited or nervous about anything in my life. I wasn’t even this nervous when I proposed. Once I knew what time her plane landed, I would be at the airport early. I wanted to make sure I was right at the front of the arrivals gate I honestly don’t think we will make it out of the airport parking lot before I have to have her.
Jax knew something had to happen before my head exploded, so he got me working on finishing his back piece. It was our take on the Archangel Michael fighting a demon, it was fucking badass. The design was so intricate and there was excessive line work and fiddley as fuck.
But, it did what was intended. It focused me. The design was not something you couldn’t cover any fuck-ups with shading, not that I would do that, anyway. I need to concentrate to make sure that each line is straight and perfect and that the ink embedded in his skin properly.
We had already gone through Nirvana’s Never Mind, Foo Fighters Greatest Hits and were in the middle of Disturbed Indestructible. Hunted blasted from the speakers Jax humming the lyrics through gritted teeth as I tattooed over his spine.
There was a break in the music and the world went silent, except for the buzzing of the tattoo machine. Then I felt it. A change. Like static electricity prickling its way across my skin. Something was different. Jax felt it too.
“Hold up,” he said rolling on to his side looking up at the ceiling.
I took my foot off the pedal, the machine buzzing stopped. The click of a door shutting echoed through the room as loudly as if it was slammed.
“It’s not… She wouldn’t…” Jax looked at me trying to find the right words. “Maybe Cass…”
“No, she wouldn’t. She promised, she would tell me when she landed so I could meet her at the airport.” I said tapping my foot on the machine peddle my machine buzzing angerly.
I took my foot off the pedal again and the buzzing of the machine stopped, and we listened. When we renovated the apartment, we made sure that the small void between the floor of the apartment and the ceiling of the shop was sound proofed making sure that the noise of people walking around upstairs or the noise from the shop wouldn’t be distracting. Even though we couldn’t hear anything both Jax and I still sat staring at the ceiling.
There was a soft knock on the tattoo room door and Cassidy stuck her head in the door.
“Ummm, sorry to interrupt guys but, umm, Hedge just walked in the back door and went up to the apartment.” Cass said hesitantly as if she was apologising for giving bad news, instead of being excited her friend was home.
“It would appear so,” I said flatly pushing Jax on the shoulder to get him to lay back down.
“Memph, what are you doing? Why aren’t you beating feet out of here and up to your girl?” Jax asked giving me a weird look.
“Because, we’re in the middle of your tattoo Jax. She can wait.” I pushed at his shoulder again only this time he lay back down.
“Memphis, it can wait. Right Jax?” Cassidy chimed in. “Hedge has been away for two months I’m sure she’s dying to see you.”
“If she was dying to see me, she would have called. She would have let me pick her up from the airport. If she was dying to see me, when she walked through the door she would have come straight to me. What she did was go up to the apartment and ignore me. Now if you don’t mind I have work to do.”
“Memphis, it can wait,” Jax said popping up from the table again.
“Jax, lay the fuck down,” I demanded through clenched teeth.
I turned Disturbed back on, cranking the volume blocking everything out. It blocked out Jax and Cassidy’s talking, trying to convince me to go upstairs. The music blocked out my brain, heart and dick screaming at me to get my ass upstairs. The pounding base blocked it all out except the imaging I was tattooing.
It lasted for all of about thirty minutes before I had to go see her. I tiptoed up the stairs to the apartment as quietly as my booted feet would allow.
I wanted to stomp.
I want to rage.
I wanted to rush upstairs gather her in my arms and never let her go.
I was hoping to catch her unawares. I was still pissed she left in the middle of the night without a word. I was annoyed as fuck she had been gone for two months, doing God knows what. She wouldn’t give me any details, she just let me know she was okay. But, the fact that she didn’t let me know she had landed, that she was home. That had me fucking volcanic.
I walked through the apartment, heard the washer dryer running in the laundry room. She had taken the time for laundry but not to see me.
I was standing in the bedroom leaning against the doorway waiting. I watched her walk out of a steam-filled bathroom. I watched her walk naked across the room to the bed where a summer dress was laid out waiting for her to put on.
“Don’t get dressed on my account.”
“Ahh!” She screamed snatching the dress off the bed holding it up against herself hiding her nakedness. “Memphis, Jesus!”
“So, were you planning on telling me you were back?” I asked not leaving my position in the doorway. “Or, was I just supposed to meet you at the end of the aisle?”
“Hi Baby,” she whispered.
“That’s all you have to say?”
“Do you know where my ring is? I wanted to put it back on,” she said looking to the bedside table where she left it.
I raised my hand showing her the engagement ring on my pinkie finger. I had been wearing it since she left.
“Can I have it back? Please.” She stepped forward holding out her hand.
I turned without saying a word walking back out of the apartment taking the ring with me. I walked back into the shop glaring at Jax and pointing at my tattoo room.
“What?”
“I have a tattoo to finish Jax. Now lay the fuck down,” I demanded.
I had a tattoo to finish, my anger to stew in and emotions I needed to get in check. I had been waiting for eight fucking weeks. Hedge could wait for a few fucking hours and see how she likes it.
Chapter 54 Hedge
“Can someone please explain to me what the actual fuck just happened?” I asked the empty apartment, looking around hoping to find an answer. “That was just Memphis, right?”
I dropped my dress back on the bed, walked to the dresser pulling out a pair of teal green panties and matching strapless bra. Stepping into my panties I continued talking aloud because the quiet of the apartment was like fingers down a chalk board, it grated on my nerves.
“Memphis Blue, the love of my life. My fiancé, the man I plan on marrying in a few weeks was just standing there,” I pointed to the bedroom doorway. “Right there. While I was naked, and all I got was ‘Were you planning on telling me you were back?’” I said in a growly imitation of his voice.
I closed the clasp on my bra and then pulled my dr
ess on without any grace, snapping the elasticated top of the dress in place over my breasts.
“I was fucking naked,” dumbfounded I threw my hands up in the air. “I was naked, he was standing there and after two months all I get was ‘Were you planning on telling me you were back?’ No hey there Baby Girl I’ve missed you. Hedge your home! Jupiter, I love you! Nothing. What the fuck was that?!”
I slipped my feet into some flip-flops and stormed into the bathroom to do my hair and some light makeup. I didn’t go over the top with my makeup. I made sure that the subtle highlights helped to accentuate my eyes and hide the fact that I was jet-lagged and tired as hell.
“He didn’t even touch me,” I said to my reflection in the mirror as I applied lip gloss. “He didn’t touch me, he didn’t kiss me. Not a God damn thing!”
I wanted to surprise him. I landed, got Henry to pick me up and drop me off at the back of the shop. I snuck in and went upstairs. Putting everything I brought home with me, which wasn’t a lot, in the washer and got in the shower to wash the traveling away. Wanting to be clean and fresh when I saw him. Traveling made me feel grimy and dirty, traveling in the hull of a cargo plane didn’t help matters.
I stopped dabbing lip gloss on like a crazy person as a thought suddenly occurred.
“Does he not love me anymore? Is that why… Is that why he wouldn’t give me back my engagement ring?” I shook my head, shaking away those negative thoughts. “NO… No that’s not it, that can’t be it.”
I was feeling insecure that was all. He was pissed because I didn’t call him to come get me. I get that, but I mean the second we saw each other we would have been all over each other right there in the airport. I was travel gross and wanted to look pretty when he saw me.
Then I got angry. If he wanted to act like a big baby, then fine. I sent a message to Uncle Charlie to let him know I was home safe and sound. Then snapped the phone in half and dropped the pieces in to a small bucket of bleach in the laundry.