Will of a Tiger

by Iris Yang

  “I have to go to America,” Birch said to Xiao Mei soon after he was released from the hospital, “to meet Danny’s parents and sister.” He’d always hoped that he could find Danny’s remains before he took the trip, but in light of his failing health, the task was urgent.

  Xiao Mei nodded, and then with a note of concern, added, “You’re not well. You shouldn’t—”

  “I can’t wait anymore,” interrupted Birch. He coughed and then took two deep breaths. With one hand holding Xiao Mei’s and the other stroking Phoenix’s hair, he continued, “I have to fu jing qing zui. It’s long overdue.”

  “I know what that means,” the eight-year-old Phoenix chirped. Then she looked up with her innocent eyes and asked in a small voice, “Daddy, are you really going to carry brambles on your naked back to ask for forgiveness?”

  “No, silly girl.” Xiao Mei gave one of Phoenix’s pigtails an affectionate tug. “The saying comes from an ancient story.”

  “But I am going to offer a sincere apology,” said Birch. His eyes were sunken with dark circles surrounding them. His gaze, however, was steady and unfaltering.

  Phoenix made a series of little nods. A relieved smile blossomed on her lips, creating two dimples on her cheeks.

  Soon the family was on their way to America.

  Birch barely rested during the flight from Taipei to San Francisco. “Danny invited me to go home with him,” he said. “We planned to leave as soon as the war was over. Now I’m on my way. I wish it were him sitting here instead of me!” He almost choked on the words. It had been twenty years. Danny’s death still left an emptiness inside him that would never be filled.

  Xiao Mei took his hand.

  “I’ve dreamed of going home with him so many times. How thrilled—”

  “Danny would be happy, knowing you’re on your way to visit his family,” Xiao Mei said.

  “I was hoping I could bring his remains home. I owe him that much.”

  “It’s not your fault. If you could have stayed on the Mainland safely, you would have found him.” She squeezed his hand. “With or without his remains, the best part of a good man stays with us forever.”

  Xiao Mei held his hand and talked with him until the wee hours of the night. “Close your eyes, Birch. Rest for a while. You’re not well.”

  Birch nodded and sought a more comfortable position on his seat. He was thin with hollow cheeks. But his eyes remained open even after Xiao Mei had fallen into an exhausted sleep. Gently he tucked a wayward strand of her hair behind her ear. Then his gaze shifted to the little girl slumped between them.

  Phoenix was in a deep sleep. She wore a simple sundress the color of apricots and a pair of black, open-toed sandals. She looked adorable. Birch pulled the blanket that had fallen to her stomach up to her chin. Leaning down, he brushed his nose against her soft black hair.

  Danny said he’d also name his daughter Phoenix. How might Phoenix Hardy look? Would she have the same brown eyes as Danny? He rubbed a hand through his hair and heaved a tired sigh.

  Feeling restless, Birch picked up a journal from his carry-on. He’d kept a diary during the war. The last three volumes were with him now. Written partly in English and partly in Chinese, they recorded the years he’d befriended Danny. He planned to read them to Danny’s family, if permitted.

  Turning on the overhead reading light, he gazed at the leather journal. With trembling fingers, he flipped through the pages. The papers were yellow with age, but the writing was well preserved. Over the past decades, he’d read the journals to his club many times. He was always emotional whenever he held the books in his hands. They felt much heavier than they were.

  Taking a deep breath, Birch read the first entry.

  June 7, 1944

  Yesterday started badly. I didn’t sleep much the night before. The Japs kept dropping bombs around our base, as they’ve done regularly for weeks. In the beginning, we all got up to seek shelter. Lately, we’re so tired that some of us sleep through the raids.

  Two nights ago, Meng Hu was so drained that he refused to get up, even when I dragged him. Danny didn’t want to move, either. Somehow I managed to pull him out of bed. We spent most of the night in the bunker, half-sitting and half-lying on the cold ground.

  When we came back in the morning, to our dismay, we learned that Meng Hu had been rushed to the hospital. Luckily, his injury wasn’t too serious. When we visited him, he joked that next time around he’d listen to me, an older and wiser brother. Four months younger, he’s also a Tiger.

  Then he turned to Danny: “You’re one lucky son of a gun. Have you seen your bed?”

  Danny nodded. We’ve already seen it. Standing in front of his bed, Danny had looked stupefied. The mattress was covered with debris. If we had stayed in the dorm that night, he might have ended up in the hospital, or worse yet, the morgue.

  Since we’ve always kept the base dark at night, the raids haven’t done any significant damage. Nevertheless, they’ve kept us on edge and deprived us of quality sleep. I started to wonder how we could fight anyone without much rest. Clearly, that was what the little weasels were aiming for—driving us to exhaustion and insanity.

  Apparently, Danny didn’t have any better luck sleeping. His bloodshot eyes told the story. He was uncharacteristically quiet during breakfast. I thought he was just tired. After the meal, though, he turned to me with his infectious grin, as if his sleepiness had just vanished. “Hey, Big Brother, dare to moonlight with me?” Seeing my confusion, his smile broadened. As usual, this little brother enjoyed teasing me.

  “Count me in. There is no job you can do that I can’t.” I lifted my chin, returning the same grin.

  I often wonder how we get along so well. Both of us are Tigers. We’re competitive, but we’ve never let our competitiveness get in the way of our jobs or our friendship. Is it fate? God or whatever deity took pity on us—after he lost Jack and I lost Daisy and Jasmine, we deserve each other as brothers?

  “We’ll give the Japs a dose of their own medicine,” he said, entirely too excited. “We’ll bomb the hell out of their base tonight.”

  “No shit?” Our planes are not adequately equipped for night flight. Otherwise, we wouldn’t let the little bastards bully us like that.

  “The moon will be full tonight.” He couldn’t seem to suppress his delight.

  “And it’ll be a clear night.” I was instantly pumped up. Now I understood why his drowsiness had disappeared so quickly.

  So that’s what we did last night. We flew a couple of hours northeast to Wuhan. The Japanese didn’t expect an aerial attack, so the airport was well-lit. We released the bombs on our belly racks and dumped everything we could carry on their base. Boy, did we give them a surprise! The sleepy-eyed Japs had no chance to fight back.

  “Enjoying the light show?” asked Danny.

  I could hardly pull away from the sight. “Now let’s see who is having a restless night,” I hollered into the radio, unable to contain my satisfaction.

  “And I’m hoping this will give them nightmares…”

  As we were leaving the area, we found two Japanese transport vessels upstream toward Wuhan on the Yangtze River.

  “Hey, Danny, I bet you’re thinking what I’m thinking.”

  “Absolutely!”

  So we nosedived together, each lining up on a boat, and then fired. A hail of bullets ripped the vessels to shreds, blew gaping holes in the hulls, and sent pieces of wood flying in every direction.

  We made a few passes, spraying all of the ammo we had. As we were leaving, I stole a glance and saw the boats on their way to the bottom of the river.

  “We should do this more often,” I said over the radio on our way back to our base in Hengyang. Despite the fact I only dozed off for twenty minutes in the afternoon, I was so fired up that I felt I could take to the air like this forever.

  “Pray for more clear nights.”

  “Hey, Danny?”

  “Yeah?”

  “For w
hat it’s worth, it’s nice to listen to a younger brother once in a blue moon,” I joked and immediately heard Danny’s hearty laugh. Every now and then I catch him off guard like that, and he really enjoys my sense of humor.

  “For what it’s worth, care to fly to the moon with me?”

  Through the windshield, I’d been watching the dazzling full moon. It looked as if we were flying directly toward it. “Hell, yeah!” I answered.

  While we cruised, I turned sideways and looked out of my right window. And there he was! Moonlight glinted off the side of Danny’s aircraft. It glowed, luminous against the dark sky. I was mesmerized by the tranquility of the sight.

  All the chaos and ugliness faded away. No blood. No pain. No death. Only a silver bird gliding gracefully across the velvet sky. No, not one, but two. Side by side, we soared toward the moon.

  At that instant, I prayed to God again as I’ve done countless times that my brother and I would fly together like this for the rest of our lives.

  Birch managed to read with relative calm until the end. The last sentence caused hot tears to glaze his eyes. A great rush of emotion erupted inside him. Love. Longing. Grief. Guilt… He leaned against the headrest, closed his eyes, and breathed a heavy sigh.

  Chapter 58

  Through a maze of streets, a taxi took Birch’s family to a quiet suburb of San Francisco. It had been more than two decades, but the address was etched in Birch’s mind. He hoped that Danny’s parents hadn’t moved away.

  On purpose, he hadn’t called or written a letter before the visit. He didn’t want to give them a chance to refuse him. He had to apologize and ask for their forgiveness face to face.

  Tucked into a grove of sprawling oaks, the house was surrounded by well-maintained landscaping. This two-story stone house had appeared in Birch’s dream countless times. Danny’s father had built it in the 1930s, and judging by its appearance, it had been remodeled over the years.

  As soon as they stepped out of the taxi, Birch smelled the intoxicating fragrance of jasmine in the air. It was a balmy Sunday morning in May. Bright sunlight splashed across the newly mowed lawn. A boy about twelve was playing basketball in the driveway. Seeing the family, he dropped the ball and walked toward them.

  The boy was tall. With attractive features and dark brown hair, he bore a striking resemblance to Danny. His smile was as sweet and welcoming as the warm spring morning. His eyes, brown with gold flecks in the irises, lit up with curiosity and glowed when he grinned at them.

  Birch was mesmerized by the boy’s eyes. A feeling of déjà vu came over him. He thought he was looking at Danny.

  “Hi,” the youngster greeted them with an easygoing manner, “are you lost?” He switched to speak in Chinese. “I can speak Mandarin. Maybe I can help you.”

  “Thank you,” answered Birch, his voice trembling. “We’re looking for Danny Hardy’s family. Is this—?”

  “Yes. Danny Hardy is my uncle. My name is Danny Greene.”

  Taking a large stride, Birch closed the gap between them and held the boy at arm’s length. “My name is Birch Bai. I’m…your uncle’s brother.” Lifting his hand, he stroked the youngster’s short hair.

  “Holy cow!” exclaimed young Danny. “I know who you are. Oh, my God!” Turning his head toward the house, he yelled at the top of his lungs, “Mom, Dad, come quickly. Uncle Birch is here.”

  Birch couldn’t hold back anymore. Unchecked tears streamed down his cheeks as he dropped to his knees. He cradled the boy, who was named after Danny, in his arms. His heart swelled when he felt young Danny’s small hand patting his back and shoulder.

  A moment later the front door flung open. A couple in their forties rushed out.

  Dressed in a pale pink T-shirt and tight blue jeans, Susan Hardy was athletic. She walked with a spring in her step that reminded Birch of Danny. Her hair in ungoverned ringlets bounced around her shoulders. She brushed stray curls that were tossed by a slight breeze from her cheek as she stared at Birch with a stunned incomprehension in her eyes.

  At age fifty and being sick lately, Birch was thin and frail. His face was gaunt, a web of wrinkles suspending each eye. He couldn’t possibly be the young, energetic fighter pilot in the photos Susan had seen more than twenty years earlier. Yet, the incomprehension lasted only a second before recognition set in.

  Her eyes widened. “No, it can’t be. Jesus!” she murmured, shaking her head.

  “It’s me. Birch Bai.” Birch released the boy. Still kneeling, he bowed down toward Susan. “I’m so sorry,” he said, his forehead touched the grassy lawn, using the Chinese way to express his sincerest apology.

  Both Xiao Mei and Phoenix followed him.

  “Oh, stand up. For goodness’s sake, stand up. Please!” Susan took several large steps. Along with her husband, she pulled them to their feet one after another.

  Birch swayed as he stood up. He leaned heavily on his uninjured leg. Xiao Mei held him by his arm.

  “Are you hurt?” asked Susan. Before hearing the answer, she instructed the boy, “Go, Danny. Find Dr. Watanabe.”

  “No need.” Birch managed to wave a hand. But young Danny had already started running. “Come back,” Birch called after him.

  “Better let a doctor take a look,” Susan said with concern in her voice.

  “I’m going with him.” Phoenix ran after Danny.

  “Well, let’s go inside.” The tall man grabbed Birch’s arm and looped it over his shoulder. “I’m Jeff Greene, Danny Hardy’s brother-in-law. Pleased to meet you, Birch. I’ve heard so much about you.”

  Once sitting in their living room, Birch began to tell the story. “Danny was the bravest man I’ve ever met. To this day, it’s still hard for me to think of Danny as…gone. He was so full of life.” Birch took a shaky breath and finished by saying the thing he should have said to Danny more than twenty years ago: “He was the best brother one could ever have had!”

  Tears filled Susan’s eyes as she held Birch’s cold hands. “Danny said the same thing… He told us everything in his letters.”

  “But I wasn’t…” Anguish darkened Birch’s tone. “I didn’t protect him as a Big Brother should have. I let him down. I—”

  “Don’t talk like that. Danny went willingly to China.”

  “I should have died with him. We vowed—”

  “No, don’t keep saying that!” Susan shook his knotted hands as if trying to liberate him from his self-loathing. “I wish Danny were still alive, but at least you survived. At least one of you lived through that hell.”

  She opened her arms and hugged him. An involuntary sob escaped her trembling lips as she whispered near his ear, “Oh, Birch, you’re my Big Brother as well. Da Ge, I wouldn’t want you to have died with Danny!”

  For many years Birch had dreamed of hearing Danny calling him Da Ge—Big Brother in his mind, but he knew it was only his imagination. Now hearing Danny’s sister say the words sent a shock through his body. He held Susan in his arms as if he were hugging Danny.

  Finally she said, still sniffling, “Oh, I wish my parents could hear this. They passed away—”

  “I’m so sorry,” said Birch. Then his eyebrows furrowed. “When did that happen? Soon after Danny…?”

  “No. Mom died of a stroke ten years ago. She hadn’t been in good health since Danny was listed as missing in action. She kept calling his name in her last hours. She—”

  “I’m so sorry!”

  “Dad died a year later. Both of them had never recovered from… He kept asking me to find out what happened to Danny. He’d be so proud if he—”

  “They didn’t know anything?”

  “Well, we were told his plane went down with yours in Yunnan. Later, we learned that you were in a coma, but there wasn’t any news about my—”

  “No.” For a moment, Birch’s face held nothing but perplexity. “I reported as soon as I woke up. I wrote a long letter to you and your parents several weeks after that. I—”

  “Yes,” inter
rupted Xiao Mei. “I mailed it. It was this thick.” She used her thumb and index finger to indicate the thickness.

  “Thirty pages!”

  Susan shook her head. “We never received anything from you, nor heard anything about Danny. Before today, I didn’t even know you woke from the coma. I didn’t know you survived.”

  “Dear God!” Birch plowed his fingers through his short hair. His guilt had blinded him and prevented him from considering an alternative reason as to why they’d never replied. After all, international mail was unreliable during that chaotic time.

  “Both Mom and Dad wished I could go to China one day, to find out what happened to Danny, to bring him home. They’d be so thrilled to meet you—”

  “I’m terribly sorry!” Weighed down by newly-formed guilt and regret, Birch paused to draw several deep breaths. “I’ve always assumed that you and your parents were angry with me. You blamed me for not saving Danny. Oh, Susan, I’ve imagined you yelling at me for twenty years.”

  “Birch! How can I blame you? You’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve always wanted to thank you. You meant the world to my brother. In fact, I did send you a couple of postcards after we heard you were in a coma. We wished your recovery and good health.”

  Birch shook his head and closed his pain-filled eyes, preventing anyone from seeing the depth of his emotion.

  “Seeing you now is like a…dream.” Susan rubbed her right palm up and down his arm as if making sure he was real. “You’re part of Danny. You’re family!”

  Birch’s voice failed him, so he gave a nod.

  “Would you like to have something to drink?” Jeff offered. “Water? Coffee? Anyone care for a beer?”

  “Coffee, thank you.”

  As they shared more stories, Susan blurted out, “Do you need something for pain?” She pointed at Birch’s leg. The kids had come back without finding the doctor.

  Birch realized that he’d unconsciously reached down to rub his knee.