Left In Good Spirits

by Anne Pleydon

  “Why, what have you heard?”

  “Nothing. Just that she’s meeting with everyone to re-design things.”

  Baird looks into his coffee cup even though he knows it’s empty. He stretches in his chair. “They’ll be posting for a Clinical Unit Supervisor.”

  Kenny slaps her hand down on her pad of paper. “Oh, I see. That’s awesome. You would be great at that. You can be my boss.”

  Baird furrows his brow. He can’t read her right now. Is she mocking him or is she excited? Her voice is high and silly. He can’t risk being wrong. “Why would that be great?”

  “Because it’s a great opportunity to work closely with the kids and case management, and clinical programming. And one step closer to you becoming Superintendent.”

  Baird can’t fight the laughter rumbling in his chest. He stands. “You need help.”

  Kenny stands, too. “I’m serious. You should apply. I’ll probably be fired by then or have quit but at least they’ll have you.”

  “Shut up,” he says. He stares at her and tries to catch her eye but she looks away and starts to move toward the Admin/Mental Health Unit wing door. Baird grabs the empty cup and walks back to the Unit Wing door. He feels worried for a moment but does not know what about. He pushes it from his mind. He needs to get back to the floor.

  Chapter 30

  IT’S DARK ALREADY. It’s near the time that the day shift will be leaving. Kenny sits in her office chair with her feet on the desk. The only light from a desk lamp. She rests her head back and watches as the computer screen changes to the screensaver. The word ‘Merivale’ floats across the monitor and bangs into the sides sending it off into another direction. She watches to see if it lands randomly or if there is some sort of predictable pattern. She lifts her gaze across her degrees hanging on the wall and the license to practice. She can’t see anything out the window to the yard. She knows Baird has left the building and the feeling of anticipation dies. It only grows again and fuels her from within when she wakes in the morning. This is the time of day she hates because nothing has happened and nothing can happen and nothing will happen.

  Kenny pulls out Mara’s old lighter from her desk drawer. She flicks it several times to get a flame and lets it go out. She thinks over the events of the day and her mind rests on Janet. That tiny grey haired woman had set up in one of the offices in the Mental Health Unit today. She ran Mara off her feet asking her to do a million and one things. Kenny first went to Stacey to complain about it, but there was something off with Stacey. She wasn’t interested in getting involved. Kenny was suspicious that something had been offered or promised to Stacey in the new design of the facility. Her co-worker had always thought on the positive side of things, but there was something else there. Kenny is sure of it.

  Kenny asked Mara about Janet being in the Mental Health Unit. Mara had said, “I don’t mind doing things for her but I’m not her personal admin.” Kenny emailed Lana and asked why Janet was there and was she to be considered a Merivale staff. No response. Kenny wondered how all of their tasks would align. Kenny had exhausted a good deal of her contacts in the mental health community to pull together information about how to design this new clinical unit. What was the philosophy? The treatment orientation? What type of behaviour management and incentive program would it require? But no one was taking the lead on that.

  Kenny despises the intrusion of non-forensic people stepping in and talking about things they don’t understand. She resents the responsibilities put upon her and assumption from management that she should do most of the work yet also understands that she will not have any power or recognition for such. Kenny sneers. She thinks, Is Janet my boss now? Janet had come to her and asked why some staff were not being receptive to her and Kenny said it was because Janet was rude. It had been an unpleasant exchange.

  Kenny exhales loudly. Is she doomed to always fight with her female superiors? She cannot remember a single one she has ever liked. Or male one for that matter. Never mind. And colleagues too. She remembers the fight with the psychiatrist who approached her with a bold step and stern voice and called her out on her comments during a staff meeting. The psychiatrist had said, with red face, “I think we need to talk. You should never accuse someone of driving someone to suicide!” Kenny had capitulated immediately, “You’re right, that was wrong. And I’m sorry.” The psychiatrist said, “I can’t tell if you’re being sincere.” Oh yes, Kenny insisted she was sincere. The psychiatrist continued, “Then why don’t you ever look at me?” Kenny replied, “Oh, that’s not because of the suicide thing. That’s because I don’t like you as a person.” The psychiatrist’s eyes had widened and she said, “Well, I don’t like you as a person.” And Kenny had said, “Great, but at least I didn’t run to management about you. I’m the one being supervised now because you cried to everyone about it.” And then the psychiatrist apologized profusely and Kenny left feeling victorious because she knew the psychiatrist had rehearsed her comments and planned to confront her but then the psychiatrist was the one who was ultimately left apologizing and feeling in the wrong.

  Kenny is not proud of this memory that has floated to the surface. It is distasteful and she stuffs it back down. She is being supervised again now, by Lana. Kenny does the mental calculation. That was five years ago and here she is again being closely watched by management because of … She decides she is not interested in any more reflection tonight. She needs indifference and resentment to strengthen her fortitude. Images and sounds of the past and present are stifled. She wishes to drift in this in-between state a bit longer.

  Kenny flicks the lighter and lets the flame run along the edge of her desk until she smells something plastic burning. Her office phone rings. Her first instinct is not to answer it as she does not want someone intruding on her solitude right now. But, she answers, “Dr. Kenny Halpin.”

  “Dr. Kenny, it’s Amalia.”

  Kenny sits up in her chair. “Yes.”

  “You are coming home soon, yes?”

  “Yes, I’m on my way. What is it?”

  “Mr. Daniel is not doing good. It’s time, Ms. Kenny. I left two messages for you today. Did you get them?”

  “What’s happened?”

  “He’s sleeping now. But I think we will be saying good-bye very soon.”

  Kenny wonders about the other home support worker. “And Mary?”

  “Mary is coming back later tonight. At midnight, she is at her other job now.”

  “Okay.”

  “You are coming home now, yes?”

  “Yes.”

  “You need to hurry, Ms. Kenny. I don’t want to tell you what to do. And I don’t know if I phone the hospital. I worried he was turning blue. But, he’s sleeping now.”

  “No hospital, Amalia.”

  “Okay, Ms. Kenny. I see you soon.”

  “I’m coming right now.” Kenny puts down the receiver. She reaches for her purse in the bottom drawer of her desk and checks her cellphone. She sees the notifications but does not listen to the voice mail. She stands and reaches for her jacket and buttons it all the way up. It will be cold outside. She holds her hands out in front of her and sees they are steady.

  Kenny closes her office door and turns off the lights of the Mental Health Unit. She checks to see that the coffee pot is unplugged in the kitchen area. She pauses to listen before entering the hallway. It is the stillness of being in-between these worlds. This is where she longs to reside or at least take a reprieve. She knows she should feel panic but she feels relief. She knows she should feel rushed but she feels she is too late. There is so much more she feels she needs to do, but she falls short. She is everything and not enough.

  Kenny walks by School Control and smiles at the staff. One says, “Get some sleep.”

  “When I’m dead,” she says, and then hates the sound of her voice. She walks through the Rotunda and out into the lobby. She is buzzed through Front Control. As she waits in the Man Tra
p she thinks about purgatory and what would happen if there was a power outage. It is nonsensical. Front Control staff have the keys.

  A staff raps on the window with the telephone receiver. He points to it and she can faintly hear him say, “It’s for you.”

  “I know,” she says, assuming it’s Amalia, again. She turns on her heel to go back in to the facility but then motions that she will talk to him when he lets her out the front door. He buzzes her though and she joins him at the circle in the plexiglass in the waiting room.

  “It’s home. I already know,” she says.

  “No, it’s the OIC.” Staff hangs up the phone. “He says to go home, Doc. He just wanted to tell you that Cody is back on suicide watch.”

  Kenny frowns. “What?”

  “Yeah, he was found earlier with a bed-sheet around his neck. He ripped it, I guess. Scared Lucas half to death. But Healthcare checked him out and he’s alright.”

  “When did this happen?”

  “Just half an hour ago. They have him in a strong sheet. He’s still in Discipline.”

  “What the fuck?”

  “He’s safe. We have him on camera and watch. He’ll be fine. Wasn’t even a decent knot. No bruising. You can check on him tomorrow.”

  Kenny stares at the ground. “I should see him.”

  “If you want.”

  “Well, policy is within 24 working hours,” she says. The staff is indifferent.

  Kenny looks back through the doors toward the lobby. The staff says, “OIC just wanted you to know in case you were still around. But said now you know for first thing tomorrow.”

  Kenny stares hard at the staff as though she’ll find some answer in his eyes. He raises his eyebrows. “You coming or going?”

  “I’ll go back in,” she says, adjusting her bag over her shoulder. The fluorescent lights in the Man Trap appear brighter as she crosses through it.

  Chapter 31

  KENNY HEADS STRAIGHT to Discipline. She is buzzed in and Lucas stands up from behind his desk with a warm smile.

  “You’re on night shift again?” she asks. He says, “I prefer it.” She nods.

  “For Cody?” he asks.

  “Yeah.”

  “He gave me a scare at first. Haven’t lost a kid here yet.” Lucas knocks on his desk. Kenny knocks, too, without even thinking.

  “Should he be in hospital?”

  “No, the nurse checked him out. It wasn’t a noose. He tied it like a knot, like he might have been trying to choke himself out. There’s nowhere to hang himself in that cell.”

  “Stranger things have happened.”

  “We had a kid here once who jumped off his bed and purposely aimed his head for the shelf that’s built in the wall. They’ll find a way if they want.”

  “He’s here for the fight with Burrard?”

  “Yeah, after the investigation it seems it was mutual.”

  “Are you surprised about Cody? I wouldn’t have thought about him as a suicide risk.”

  “Stress?” Lucas shrugs. “But I just work here.”

  “We all know that’s not true,” she says, with a smile. “Can you let me in? Wait, can I leave my bag and jacket with you?” He puts her things in the office and pulls the door behind him.

  Lucas leads her to the cell where Cody was held on his first suicide watch. Cody lays on the concrete bed in a what looks like sleeping bag made of thin, stiff material. His neck and chest are bare. He is not allowed to have any clothing.

  Cody shifts his head and sees Kenny and Lucas at the cell door. He sucks his teeth.

  “Gee, thanks,” Kenny says. “Can I come in?”

  “I don’t care,” Cody says. Lucas swings open the door and Kenny takes a seat inside. She sees Lucas in the corner standing just outside the cell.

  “Isn’t it night time?” Cody seems disoriented. “I’ve never seen you around here at night time.”

  “I work late sometimes.”

  “Why?”

  “What’s going on here? I know how much you guys love the strong sheet,” Kenny says.

  “Fuck. I’m freezing. I can’t even have socks. Like, what the fuck am I going to do with a sock except jerk off in it.”

  “So, it was you,” she teases. They both smile.

  Cody continues, “I told you these guys like to see naked kids on camera. Why do you think they strip search us any chance they get? They see me with a rope around my neck and their first thought is, let’s get this kid naked and see if he has something up his ass. Like, who is the sick one here?” Cody makes himself laugh for a moment and Kenny joins him.

  “I saw the fight with Burrard,” she says.

  “Yeah.”

  “Yeah, I was in the Rotunda. I saw the whole thing. You were winning.”

  “I know.”

  “You kind of sucker punched him though.”

  “Nah, he knew.”

  “Why not in the laundry room or somewhere else off camera then?”

  Cody doesn’t answer.

  “Did you try and kill yourself? Or are you trying to seg yourself.”

  “What the fuck would I do that for? I’m not afraid of anyone.”

  “Are you feeling suicidal?” she asks.

  Cody turns his face away from her.

  “Dude, can you look at me, please?”

  Cody sits up, his bare legs and feet hanging over the edge of the bed.

  Kenny says, “We gotta find a way to get you out of here safe and sound, do your time, and get home alive, right?”

  “They’re not gonna let me out.”

  “Why not?”

  “I have an assault now.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, it’ll be awhile. But, you are getting out,” Kenny reassures.

  “I need to get out of this place.”

  “I need to keep you safe while you’re in this place.”

  “Don’t worry about me.”

  “I wonder why you keep saying that especially moments after I find out you’ve tried to kill yourself,” Kenny muses.

  “What do you care? People die every day.”

  Kenny stares at the floor. “Because this will be over one day, and one day you’ll be glad you didn’t die today.”

  Cody rubs his feet together. “Fuck, it’s cold.”

  “Was this you wanting to die or more of an angry, upset thing.”

  “Fuck, I don’t know. I just think, fuck it. I’m not trying to kill myself. I just do it because I don’t care.”

  “Is it less stressful in Discipline.”

  “No, it’s more stressful. I can’t stand. It’s too quiet. I can’t stand being in a cage. I gotta get back to my unit at least.”

  “You get shack happy.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Were you doing any drugs?”

  “You can’t get drugs in here.”

  “You know you can. Were you?”

  “No.”

  “Even weed?”

  “Weed wouldn’t make me kill myself. You can’t smoke weed in here.”

  “Just burn some toast,” she says.

  Cody smiles. “How do you know about that?”

  “I know everything.”

  “You know nothing.”

  “You’re right. They’ll search your room.”

  “Let them. They already did after the fight.”

  “What’s with you and Burrard?” Kenny asks.

  “Nothing. He was trying to punk me off. I let him know what’s up.”

  “What did he do?”

  “Nothing. Little things, like I heard him call me ‘son’. I said, what did you say? We almost got into it. He said he didn’t mean me, but someone else who’s my boy, so, I told him that’s my family, and I’m not even having it. He’s such a bitch.”

  “And then?”

  “And then, nothing. He keeps chirping that he knows shit. And he needs to kee
p his mouth shut. If wants to be a fuckin’ rat, that’s his problem. He’ll know what’s up.”

  “So, he knows something about what? Something that happened on the outs?”

  Cody continues, “But, I know shit, too. You know, I see things. I’m observing. I watch people. Like he goes to almost sit in my chair in the cafeteria. Like I see him put his hand on my chair and act like he was and then he wasn’t. He’s a fuckin’ goof.”

  “You didn’t take care of it right there in the cafeteria?”

  Cody doesn’t answer.

  “I thought things were pretty clear on your unit. Like, who is mayor and stuff.”

  Cody snorts. “There’s no mayor. We’re all equal. Well, four of us. The rest are just squirts.”

  “You’re not equal.”

  “Yeah, we are.”

  “You’re equal. Like you don’t think you run that unit? You have the seniority.”

  “So does Burrard. We came in the same month when we were like 14.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yeah, and he’s here for shit. He’s … don’t even get me started. I know shit, alright.”

  “Oh, I thought he was hot shit on the outs.”

  Cody sucks his teeth again. “It ain’t like that. He’s shady. But, he knows stuff. He needs to keep his mouth shut about my family.”

  “About maybe something you were involved in when you were out last?”

  Cody’s eyes narrow. “Where do you get this shit from?”

  Kenny recalls the news on the radio the week Cody was out. “Like that shooting in that bar?”

  “What about it?”

  “You know who did that.”

  “Everyone knows.”

  “Which boy of yours did he insult?”

  “My cousin.”

  “Noah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, Burrard was shooting his mouth off about Noah?” Kenny asks. Something in her wants to be close to Noah. Is she asking about him only because she wants to talk about him? Or because it’s relevant?

  “He needs to watch his back.”

  Kenny shrugs. “I thought people didn’t mess with Burrard because of the gang he’s with.”

  “There ain’t no gangs.”