Bittersweet: An Equilibrium Novella

by Christina C Jones

  “You know… maybe so,” I chuckled. “I love people, don’t mind crowds, but the thought of performing, on a stage, with all those people looking at me… that shit makes me want to puke. So you’re probably right.”

  “You have stage fright? Oh, I don’t believe that shit at all,” Anika insisted, standing up. “All you do is flirt and charm and kick it. I’ve never caught a hint of nerves.”

  “I told you – I avoid stressful situations. You’ll never catch me near the stage for karaoke or open mic – I’ll talk a barista into it before I get my ass up there.”

  Anika tipped her head to the side, eyes narrowed like she was running over it in her mind. “Wow… I never realized it before, but… yeah. You never get up on stage.”

  “I know my limits,” I told her with a shrug. “Now, since I’ve poured all my shit out… you wanna tell me what that was about in the shower?”

  “What what was about?”

  “You not wanting me to touch you…”

  “Oh,” she said, then diverted her gaze. “I… Um…” she sighed. “It’s been a while, okay? Since I’ve been with anyone. I’m… tender, okay?”

  I frowned, not initially catching what she was saying, but then… “Oh. Shit, my bad.”

  “You don’t have to apologize. I’m not… bothered by it. I probably shouldn’t have gone in for that final round this morning.”

  “Final?” I grabbed her hand, pulling her toward me. “I know you don’t think this was just… it. Right?”

  “Um… why wouldn’t I?” she asked, dead serious. “You’re not exactly the relationship type, and I’m not trying to be in a relationship – nor do I want to get wrapped up in a supposedly casual thing.”

  My eyebrows went up. “I’m not the relationship type?”

  “Well… I’ve never known you to be in a relationship, the whole time you’ve been here.”

  “Maybe because the person I wanted wouldn’t stop being mean to me long enough for me to bag her.”

  Anika’s lips parted in surprise, eyes wide. “I… I’ve gotta get to the coffee house,” she said, pulling her hand away from mine. “Can you come on out, so I can lock up?”

  “So you’re gonna pretend you didn’t hear me?”

  “Yes,” she nodded, pushing me toward the door. “Because I can’t think about this right now. Go. Please.”

  “Fine,” I told her, turning to face her again once I was out in her hall. “I’ll go, but just so you know?” I waited until she’d actually given me her full attention. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I need to order some flowers.”

  Instead of being in my bed, getting the rest I needed from closing the shop – and not the mention my time with Anika – I was out and about in the cold, doing shit I probably had no business doing.

  Like ordering flowers.

  “Well, this is definitely the right place for that,” August, a new floral designer Simone had recently hired greeted, offering his hand.

  “I don’t really know what I’m doing,” I admitted, accepting the handshake. “I do know she likes these,” I said, pointing to a flower she actually had a vase of on her piano. I could tell they were well taken care of, but were still on their last days.

  “Calla lilies – classic flower,” August said. “Unless you’re ordering for a wedding, I’d steer you away from white.”

  I shook my head. “Yeah, not white. Do the colors mean anything?”

  “They do, actually. The white is like… purity, fidelity, loyalty – which is why they’re popular for weddings. Thankfulness and gratitude, that’s the yellow ones. Pink is like… friendly appreciation, respect, admiration. And this dark, blue-black, purple kinda color is for desire, and attraction. And according to some… royalty.”

  “Oh, sign me right up for those,” I laughed, already pulling out my wallet. “A full dozen.”

  “You want me to make a full arrangement around these or just these specific ones?”

  “I… have no idea what you’re talking about, man,” I admitted. “I just want to make her smile.”

  August nodded. “I’ve got you bruh. I’ll make an arrangement, with a few roses and tulips, and some greenery to give it some dimension. Sounds good?”

  “You’re the expert. Just tell me where to sign.”

  I walked to the counter with him to pay for my order and had just returned my card to my wallet when Simone came breezing from the back with a box of flower stands in her arms.

  “Royal, hey!” she gushed, approaching to give me a one-armed hug as she balanced the box, which she wouldn’t let me take off her hands. “I’ve got the box, bruh – what in the world are you doing in here?” She looked at August, who had just slid a receipt and delivery instructions form across the counter for me to fill out. “Are you… ordering flowers for somebody?”

  “Nah, chicken wings,” I teased, jumping back when she pinched my hand.

  “I mean obviously you’re ordering flowers, fool, but… for who?”

  I wrinkled my nose. “I’m not even putting my name on the card, but you want me to tell you?”

  “Duh, or I wouldn’t have asked. Who's the lucky young lady?”

  “Me and you are like a year apart Monie, what are you talking about young lady?”

  She frowned. “Nigga, if you don’t stop deflecting and tell me—”

  “They’re for Anika, alright?” I admitted, throwing up my hands. “Just because.”

  “Thought you said you wanted to make her smile!” August called across the counter before he left to start the arrangement.

  “Come on, bruh!” I laughed with him and Simone.

  “Mmmmhmmm. And I know August told you what the colors meant too, you ain’t pick the sexy ones just because,” she correctly stated. “You’re finally making your move, huh?”

  “Wait a minute – finally?”

  “She is all you talk about, and Roman comes home laughing all the time about you getting on her nerves just like a damn kid with a crush. You may as well have been tugging her pigtails.”

  “I… am not even going to try to deny that,” I sighed, shaking my head. “So yeah, I guess. Finally making my move.”

  Simone smiled. “It’s a good one. A really good one. Nik likes flowers – she’s in here every other week for fresh ones in her apartment. She’s actually overdue.”

  “Yeah, I noticed hers were starting to droop.”

  “Did?” Simone exclaimed, propping her free hand on her hip. “So you’ve been in her apartment, huh? Doing what?”

  My mouth dropped open. “I…”

  “Boy close your mouth,” she laughed, shaking her head. “You know your cousin used to come by here, night after night, to pull my gate down for me, and walk me home?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, he’s told me that story before.”

  “Did he tell you how he almost lost me, too?”

  “He did.”

  “Good,” Simone insisted, finally put the box down on the counter. “Don’t make his mistakes, okay? You know I really like Nik – she’s had dinner at our house, often. She’s watched my babies in a pinch. She puts a lot into keeping UG up and running, which lets me have more time with my husband. And she’s just a sweet girl, Royal.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “You think I don’t know all that?”

  “I’m just making sure,” she said. “And… putting you on notice. I’ve watched her have a tough time – watched her get her heart broken more times than anybody deserves. Don’t start any shit with her that you aren’t prepared to continue. Don’t—”

  “Play with her, don’t be dishonest—”

  “Royal, quote Bryson Tiller to me one more time, and I swear—”

  “My bad Monie – I couldn’t help it. But seriously… I’m not trying to end up hurting her.”

  She smiled. “Not trying to is fine, but it’s better to try not to.”

  “I hear you, cousin.”

  “Good,” she said, patting me on the ar
m. “August is excellent – she’ll love the flowers.” She picked up the delivery information sheet. “You’re having them delivered to her at work? You’re not slick,” she laughed. “That’s your way of putting the whole neighborhood on notice, huh?”

  I grinned back. “Not just the neighborhood – the woman herself.”

  I left Posh Petals with a little extra pep in my step, intending to spend the rest of the day doing some last-minute Christmas shopping for the family.

  And… I did the Christmas shopping, sure.

  But, I couldn’t help myself from somewhat rushing it along so I could get my purchases home and make my way back out to Urban Grind.

  I wanted to be there when Anika got her flowers.

  It was a Friday, so the shop was crowded enough even for the early shift that I was able to sneak in without her noticing me. I posted up in a corner that would allow me to see most of the shop without being in easy view of the front counter, which was where Anika usually lingered during the last hour of her morning shift.

  Today was no different.

  Exactly on time, a delivery person from Posh Petals came bustling through the front door, heading straight for Anika. Initially, she must’ve assumed they were looking for someone else and had only come to her because she was the manager.

  I was glad as hell I’d snuck in here to see it.

  The change in her was subtle, but gratifying as hell. She’d smiled just at the sight of the flowers, even before she knew they were for her.

  Now that she understood they were her gift?

  She completely lit up.

  I’d seen her attempts to check a smile often enough that I could tell she was struggling, hard, not to break into a full-on beam. She took the card away, stowing it in her pocket as the baristas gave her a good-natured teasing for a few minutes until the novelty wore off.

  But then, I watched, when no one else was paying attention, as she slipped the card from her pocket and carefully broke the seal on the tiny envelope. She glanced around her, making sure no one was watching before she unfolded the card to read the words I’d written myself.

  “Seriously… Can I call you Nik, now?”

  It did more than make her smile – she laughed, and blushed, and bit her lip as she folded the card and stowed it away again.

  So badly, I wanted to make my presence known, but I chose the path of patience. Yes, we’d been intimate, but I didn’t want to overwhelm her – didn’t want to come on too strong.

  She was into it, though.

  She was into us.

  This was all the confirmation I needed.

  Eight

  Anika

  I woke up to a bunch of train emojis.

  Between Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, my notification previews were loaded with them, forcing me to shake off the last of my sleepiness to actually go into one of the apps to see what was going on.

  Of course… Royal had struck again.

  The caption?

  “Need some help waking up? Find your way to Urban Grind for a triple shot of espresso.”

  The picture?

  Him, Noble, and Roman, all dressed like Sugar&Spice cover models, all holding a branded Urban Grind mug filled with what appeared to be black coffee.

  And now, I understood the train emojis.

  I wanted to be mad about it – I really, really did.

  Instead… I just turned my notifications off.

  What I did not need was another reason for Royal to consume my thoughts – he’d been on them heavily enough already. Between me not being able to keep myself off him, him showing some vulnerability in telling me about his anxiety, and then the flowers… I was dangerously close to letting down my guard completely.

  Was I ready for that?

  I gave my best efforts not to dwell on it, but nothing at home seemed to offer enough distraction. Eventually, I stopped trying and instead got dressed to meet Jules at the Love Notes gallery – my cousin was always good for putting me in the right headspace.

  At least… when she wasn’t congratulating me on a nonexistent boyfriend.

  When I got to Love Notes, the doors were locked, so I shot Jules a text. She responded immediately, telling me to come down to the coffeehouse.

  Of course.

  Royal had opened the shop today, and Mila had the closing shift. With our rolling schedule, that meant I was opening tomorrow – Christmas Eve – and Royal would take the last shift. I had really, really been counting on not having to see him today.

  My avoidance game had been flawless since he sent me those perfect flowers, which I’d used to replace the old ones on my piano. As incredibly sweet as the gift had been, it was also incredibly scary. The month had started with me wondering if I’d end up jobless and with a record if I gave in to my overwhelming urge to choke his ass.

  Now we were coming to the end of the month, and my chest ached a little at the thought of him kissing me again.

  When the hell did that happen?!

  I wanted to see Jules though, so I sucked it up, knowing Royal would be busy because the shop would be busy. It was just my luck, though, that when I walked in and started making a beeline to her usual spot… Royal was there.

  Troy was too, and so were Hendrix and Riley, so it wasn’t like I didn’t have plenty of buffer. The weak hello I offered, along with a wave to the whole group, was all I could manage to bring up, because I didn’t know how to act, or just be, around Royal.

  Especially when the others were so clearly couples.

  Troy and Jules were pretty well established and comfortable. Hendrix and Riley were brand new – had just gotten together over the Thanksgiving holiday, so they were still just… super cute.

  And then… there was me and Royal.

  “Hey… you good?” he asked, leaning to speak into my ear. “You’ve been kinda ghost ever since…”

  “I’m fine,” I quietly assured him, trying hard to swallow the lump in my throat. “Just…”

  He smirked. “Avoiding the inevitable?”

  “I seem to remember somebody offering me a free latte,” I heard from behind me and turned to see my mother standing there bundled up from the cold.

  “Mrs. Ellis,” Royal spoke up, stepping around me to take my mother by the arm, “Come right on over to the counter, I got you.”

  “Isn’t your flight soon?” I asked, following them.

  Royal stepped behind the counter to fix her drink, and I waited for an answer to my question as she took an empty seat.

  “It is – I just came to get my latte for the ride to the airport. And to get one last peek at you before we left – you weren’t at your apartment, so I assumed you’d be here.”

  “I’m not always here,” I tried to argue, only to earn myself a side-eye.

  “One oat-milk gingerbread latte, one splash of pumpkin, one sprinkle of cinnamon,” Royal said, handing her the drink in a to-go cup.

  We both watched as she took a little sip to taste it first, then smiled. “This one is a keep baby,” she said to me, then turned to Royal. “What are your holiday plans for my daughter, young man. With us gone, and Jules being gone, I’m going to assume you had no intention of her being alone on Christmas, correct?”

  Royal’s eyes widened, and he looked directly at me when he shook his head. “No ma’am, of course not. I wouldn’t dream of letting Nik spend the day alone.”

  “Good.” My mother stood up, pressing a quick kiss to my cheek. “Okay, I’ve gotta go – your father’s waiting for me. See you after the New Year sweetheart,” she chimed, breezing off again like she hadn’t just upended things for me.

  “I’ll tell her the truth when she gets back,” I told Royal, who’d come from behind the counter now. “I just needed her to know I would be okay, so she can go on her trip. And you should know, she told Jules we were together too. As soon as the holidays are over, and they’ve done their stuff without worrying about me, I’ll get it all cleared up.”

  His eyebrows
went up. “Get what cleared up?”

  “This assumption about me and you being together. Before it… spreads.”

  Royal shrugged. “Or… we make it the truth.”

  “We’ve already talked about that.”

  “No, I told you I wanted you, and you deflected.”

  “Because,” I huffed. “This isn’t… it’s not realistic, Royal. I’m… the girl who gets kept a secret or a strung along, not… whatever you’re trying to bait me into. And I’m sorry, but you’re the type to keep a girl a secret, and string her along, and—”

  My little tirade got interrupted by Royal’s hands on either side of my face, keeping me still as his mouth crashed into mine. Pretty immediately, I melted into the familiar taste and feel of him, clutching handfuls of his sweater as he kissed me deeper… like he was trying to prove a point.

  In front of everybody.

  I covered my face with my hands as the coffeehouse erupted in wolf-whistles and all kinds of other playful chatter. Royal grabbed my hands, pulling them down to make sure I saw him smiling at me – dimples in such full effect that I couldn’t even be mad.

  Or… maybe I just wasn’t mad.

  Maybe… this actually felt kinda good.

  “Now,” Royal said, still holding my hands. “All that shit you were talking before… you wanna run that past me again?”

  I really, really wanted to put on matching pajamas with my parents.

  As much time as I’d spent trying to convince myself I was cool with their little impromptu change to our tradition, all I wanted when I woke up Christmas morning was to do what I’d always done.

  I had to adjust, though.

  I already had my dinner plans set – Charlie and Nixon were doing a “family style” Christmas dinner thing at Pot Liquor, and my body was all the way ready for those candied yams and mac and cheese.

  In the meantime though, it was up to me to keep myself from falling into grinch mode just because things weren’t going my way.

  It was Christmas.

  No grumpy shit allowed.

  So instead of crying in bed – a fairly regular pastime of mine – I got up to go open the gifts my parents and Jules had left for me under my little tree.