Kingsley

by Jenny Wood

  “What’s going to happen today?” He asks, pointing to the double doors leading back to the radiation oncology unit; the surgical oncology is right down the hall, that’s where I’ll go for my surgery.

  “Just radiation today, it shouldn’t take too terribly long once I get back there, it’s the waiting here that takes an age. I’ll be murky from the sedative they give me because I’m claustrophobic in the machine, so I might have to rest until I feel up to calling a cab, but they let me.” He cuts off my explanation.

  “I’ll take you home.” He interrupts.

  “You don’t have to do that.” I try to give him an out. He rolls his eyes at me this time.

  “Shut up.” He says lightheartedly like I’m ridiculous.

  “Anyway,” I ignore him, “I usually feel like shit after treatment so I probably won’t be good company.” I tell him, knowing that he remembers the last time he saw me after therapy. I have to do it every three days, so there’s no way he can miss it, if he’s wanting to stick around. It’s far from glamorous.

  “I’m sorry you have to go through that.” He tells me, looking every bit of sincere as he sounds. I sigh and lean back in my chair. He’s not going to listen to me.

  “I’m also sorry what Jody said to you. Believe it or not, it came from a good place.” He says.

  “I know.” I said, squeezing the hand he still had ahold of.

  “He’d like to properly meet you; my brother and Conner too.” He mentions.

  “Kayson knows about me?” I ask.

  “Of course, he’s the one that told me to get my ass in gear and come after you today.” He smiles, looking very proud of the fact that I’ve momentarily relented.

  “I don’t want anyone to think I’m taking advantage of you.” I tell him, remembering what Jody said about him being too nice and people taking advantage.

  “That’s bullshit.” He growls. “Get that out of your head, right now.” I’m surprised by the vehemence in his tone. “I know better than that.” His voice is deceptively quiet, “I felt you come apart for me.” He whispers. “I felt you hold my body to you, so tight I thought your arms were going to snap off.” He says, close to my ear. “And I watched you literally, cry for me. I know what you’re too scared to say, unwilling to say right now and baby, I feel the exact same way. This is real for me, don’t act like it isn’t just as real for you.” He finishes on that note.

  “Mr. Blackwell.” The nurse calls my name from the double doors. Shortest wait time, ever, thankfully. It snaps me to attention and I stand up, meaning to let go of Kingsley’s hand but he’s having none of it.

  “You can’t go back with me.” I tell him.

  “He can come with, but he’s got to stay in the observation room with the LINAC operator and a couple nurses; but he should be able to see you and make sure you’re doing okay. How are you today, Mr. Blackwell?” She asks, hurrying us along. She’s not a nurse that I’m familiar with and I thought I’d known them all on this floor. She’s also insanely chipper, what is there to be so damn smiley about on a cancer floor?

  “My name is Sherry and I’m going to bring you right in here for just a few minutes and take your vitals, make sure everything is going okay with you.” She says, sitting me down on an exam table in the corner while Kingsley sits in a chair in the opposite corner. She asks me questions about medicines and notes everything in my chart. She wants to know about the nausea and how I’m coping with everything thus far. I answer honestly and notice the look of concern that never leaves Kingsley’s face. He’s wanting to be a part of all this, this is the gist of it.

  “Do ya’ll have any questions?” She asks after taking my blood pressure. I shake my head; pretty used to this routine. Kingsley looks as if he has about a million but he keeps unusually quiet as well.

  She ushers us to the small room with the giant machine, they’ll rotate over my body head after they put the mask over my face. That’s the part I hate, the mask. There’s really nothing to it, honestly; I just don’t like it.

  “Okay, Mr. Blackwell, I’m going to give you this gown here and I’ll need you to disrobe; you can leave your clothes in the bathroom there and come on out when you’re ready and Jeff will be in with you shortly” she says, still smiling. Kingsley follows me to the bathroom, staring at me intently before gently removing the clothes from my body. It isn’t sexual, he’s taking care of me. The look on his face is heartbreaking though. He gets to my cap and slowly takes it off when I see a tear escape and run down his cheek. I lift my hand to wipe it away.

  “I’d do just about anything in this world to take this away from you.” He says hoarsely. My knees about buckle at his confession but he pulls my body into a hug. I felt as if I’d fall apart only a second ago and now I feel put back together with only his arms around me.

  “Come on, let’s get you in your dress.” He says to lighten the mood. It works, I chuckle and wipe my wet face as he holds said dress open for me. I put my arms through and he ties it at the top; we leave the bottom because I keep my boxers on. I just can’t have any metal or anything that could interfere or mess anything up, so…the dress. I smile again at his ability to make me feel better.

  We walk out and the technician is already there. It’s Jeff, same as every time.

  “Mr. Morgan.” He smiles. He’s a very friendly middle aged man and he’s very good at his job. I was scared out of my mind the first few times I came and he was a big part in helping me along with everything.

  “Jeffery. This is Kingsley; Kingsley, this is Jeffery, the technician. He knows how to operate that giant thing I’m sticking my head in.” I introduce them and watch as they shake hands.

  “You can sit with me in that little room right there when this gets started but as you can see; there’s a big window there, you can see everything that’s going on. Morgan, do you need anything to calm you down or you think you might be alright since you’ve got company today?” He asks.

  “I think I better stick with the sedative, you know how much I love the mask.” I say reluctantly. I wish I was stronger, strong enough to handle it all but to be honest, this shit is the worst.

  “Alrighty, I’ll get you a drink here and we’ll be ready to begin.” He leaves us for a second to get me a drink from the small water cooler out in the hallway.

  “It’ll be over before ya know it and then we’ll go home.” He says, kissing me sweetly. I nod and lean into him for a moment before Jeff comes back. He gives me the liquid Diazepam and a drink of water and I feel the effects in only minutes. It isn’t much, nothing to knock me out or anything but it definitely helps when he puts me on the table and straps that mask over my face.

  “I’ll be right here watching you, okay?” Kingsley says and squeezes my hand. I nod and hear him walk into the other room. Jeffery explains things to me like he does every time, but I just close my eyes and wait for it to be over. I think of the night Kingsley and I spent together; the way he looked at me, the way he always looks at me. I imagine his smile and the sound of his laugh. I imagine his voice and the way he smells and can’t help but smile. I can’t believe he showed up here today; mad at me, apparently. That didn’t last long.

  “One more minute Morgan, and we’ll be all done.” I hear from the speaker in the room. It’s over already? What seems like seconds later; Jeffery’s there taking the mask from my face and helping me sit up. He helps me get into a wheelchair and wheels me to a different room with a chemo chair. He gives me a blanket and tells me to close my eyes. I don’t, I look for Kingsley and find him sitting in a chair right beside me.

  “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” He asks, hopefully. I shake my head.

  “I thought of you.” I slur just slightly.

  “You did, huh?” He pulls the blanket up higher around me.

  “Your laugh and the way you smell.” I say, like an idiot.

  “You like the way I smell, do you?” He asks, humor lacing his voice. I must not catch it because I throw a softball of tr
uth his way.

  “The night I met you, I slept with the blanket on the couch because it smelled like you.” I tell him, head turned towards him to read his reaction. “I was sick all over the floor and I couldn’t move off the couch and the smell of that blanket that you laid on was like a blanket of you wrapped around me. I didn’t even know you and I slept with it for days because you smelled so good; safe.” I admitted. He grabs my hand kisses each finger before kissing my palm and holding it there.

  “Well, now you have me and you don’t need it.” He says, smiling sadly. I think I might doze a time or two before Jeff is coming back and telling me that if I feel okay, I can go. I don’t hesitate although I’m a little sluggish from the drugs. Kingsley helps me into the bathroom where my clothes are and dresses me as reverently as he did when he undressed me; maybe even more so. I found myself praying for more time with him. I wasn’t ready to give this up, I don’t think I ever would be.

  When we left the oncology floor, I was shaking from the cold already. Kingsley took off his hoodie and draped it over me.

  “Put your arms in, baby.” He instructed, softly. I complied. He sat me down beside the sliding doors and told me that he was going to pull the truck around. He didn’t want me walking that far to get to it. I readily agreed and was awoken by him shaking me when he returned.

  “Come on, let’s get you home.” He said, kissing my head as he led me to the truck. He held my hand the entire way home, stroking the top of my hand with his thumb. It was warm and rhythmic and I loved his touch. We were at my house in no time. He took me into my room and had me change in to warm comfortable clothes. I shucked my pants and kept my socks on with his hoodie that swallowed me whole. I bet three of me could’ve fit inside it and it hung passed my knees. I loved it because, of course, it smelled like him. He smiled sweetly as I walked into the living room and laid on the couch. Hopefully this medicine would keep me doped up a little longer and the shitty part of the radiation wouldn’t hit me so hard. I knew it was a hope made in vain, but still, I had hoped.

  I dozed on and off for a while, enveloped in the magnificent scent of Kingsley. I felt him come up to me and feel my clammy, overheated skin, several times. I felt him murmur sweet words as he patted my head down with a cool, wet cloth. I heard him on the phone talking to his sister, his voice always changes with her; it made me smile. I also heard him talking to Kayson once and saying that I’d not put up a fight, thankfully. I smiled about that too. Just having him here, knowing he was here with me made me feel tons better than I would have had I been on my own.

  The body wracking shivers came a few hours later; Kingsley came up behind me on the couch and wrapped his body around mine. It didn’t hurt, not even a little bit.

  “It’s okay. You’re okay, I got you.” He chanted, softly, rocking me back and forth. His warmth was what I needed. His body heat done more than any blanket could. I was thankful he was here and I wondered how I’d ever done it without him; realizing I never wanted to, again.

  Chapter 15: Kingsley

  “It’s terrible, man.” I tell Kayson on the phone. “His body tricks him into thinking he’s so cold, Kayse, and his body is almost convulsing with the shakes, meanwhile his body feels like a furnace.” I tell him. “His teeth chatter so loudly it sounds like the dishes rattling and every few minutes he moans and groans like something is hurting him. I don’t know what to do, man. I don’t know how to make it better.” I almost whine. It is killing me that I can’t make this better for him. It seems like such torture to do to a person.

  “There’s nothing you can do, King. it’s just part of it.” He says, sympathetically. “If he’s feeling okay tomorrow, I want to meet him.” Kayson says, earning a surprised scoff from me.

  “Yeah, okay.” I relent. I know he wants to meet the man who’s got my attention; even though he doesn’t know he’s already got my heart too.

  “Alright baby brother, I’ll let you get back to it. Call me if you need anything.” He offers.

  “Thank you.” I say, sincerely as we end the call.

  “Kingsley?” I hear Morgan groan from the couch. I turn off the soup I was heating up, just shit from a can and I find him sitting up on the couch.

  “Hey, baby. How you feeling?” I ask, kneeling next to him.

  “It hurts.” He drops his head to his chest. He looks so pitiful.

  “What hurts? Do you have medicine for it?” I ask. He nods and I run to get his pill tray and medicine bucket beside it. Surely one of them have a pain pill or something in it.

  “Which one?” I ask, riffling through the bucket.

  “One for pain, one for nausea.” He says, listing the brand name afterwards. I find them both and get him some juice to swallow them down. He takes them both with a swallow of juice.

  “My head is killing me. I may need to lay back down.” He says, lying back down on the sofa.

  “Do you want to go to your bed? It’ll be more comfortable for you, I bet.” I suggest. He looks so worn out. So tired. He nods his head and tries again to get up.

  “Here.” I say before gingerly picking him up. His arms wrap around my neck and he lays his capped head on my shoulder. I take it off and kiss his forehead as I walk. I lay him down in bed, covering him with his big, downy blanket

  “Will you lay with me?” He asks just as I shut the light off.

  “Of course.” I whisper. “I need to turn the stove off and lock the doors but I’ll be right back.” I say and do just that. It’s the middle of the day and he lives pretty secluded but you can never be too careful; Conner is proof of that.

  When I walk back into the bedroom he’s sound asleep. I take off my clothes and climb in behind him. His body isn’t as hot as it was earlier, but he’s still pretty warm. Still, I wrap my arms around him and pull his back to my chest.

  “Don’t let me go.” He murmurs sleepily. I can’t tell if he’s asleep or just really drowsy. I answer him anyway.

  “Never.” I promise.

  I woke up to vomiting, again. Groaning, whimpering, spitting and vomiting.

  “Baby?” I get up and walk into the restroom where Morgan is kneeling with his arm resting on the bowl, his head leaning on his arm. I grab a cloth and get it wet with warm water to wipe his mouth and a cooler one to put on the back of his neck.

  “I’m dying.” He cries. “There’s nothing to come up, nothing in my stomach and it won’t stop.” He says, just before heaving again.

  “Don’t say that, there’ll be no dying on my watch.” I tell him, placing the cool rag over his neck and tilting his head up to wipe his mouth. “Let me show you a trick. Here, lay with your belly on the cold tile.” I say, moving the rug over to give him room.

  “What?” He asks, horrified.

  “Lay down with your belly on the tile. It helps, trust me.” I say and watch him do it. He closes his eyes resting his cheek and his bare belly on the cold tile of the bathroom floor. He heaves a couple more times but he seems to feel a little bit of relief.

  “Better?” I ask.

  “You’re a genius.” He murmurs. “What is this?” He asks.

  “I have no idea. Kayson tried it when he was hungover when we were in high school. Now he does it every time he’s feeling sick.” I laugh, remembering my brother lying on the floor half naked when he gets sick. I guess I can’t call him an idiot; it seems to be at least a little bit true.

  “What about your medicine? You need any of it?” I ask, noticing it’s almost nine in the evening. We slept all day. I need to clean up the soup I attempted to heat up earlier. I’d forgotten all about it.

  “All of it.” He says, hugging the bathroom floor. I go and get it along with a bottle of milk looking protein stuff. It looks disgusting but I figured it’ll help him get his nutrients since he’s not ate at all.

  The rest of the night is spent on the couch together, watching movies, cuddled up together or him dozing in my lap. The next morning, I get up and we both head for the shower. He doesn’t
seem to be as bad as he was but he’s not looking as well as I’d like for him to. He’s still pale and clammy, the circles under his eyes prove that he didn’t sleep good after we made it back to bed sometime around three a.m. I’m hoping today will be easier for him.

  “My skin is sensitive.” He tells me as I notice rash like bumps all over his body.

  “Does it hurt?” I ask, running a warm, soapy rag over his back.

  “Yes.” He answers tightly. “Though not so bad right now. It’ll get worse throughout the day.” He says.

  “Is there anything we can do for it?” I ask him, hating that he’s hurting.

  “No.” He sighs. I make sure the water doesn’t hit him directly on his skin, I rinse him with the rag, gently. His eyes close in relief as I run the rag over his short hair, getting it wet. I take some shampoo and massage his head with it, rinsing it like I did his body.

  “Thank you for taking care of me.” He says, breaking my heart.

  “You never have to thank me for that.” I tell him, honestly. I’m honored that he lets me do it. I want to be the person he can depend on; the person to make him feel better.

  “I don’t want to be a burden.” He says, ridiculously. As if he could ever be.

  “Hey, none of that.” I tilt his chin, kissing him lightly. “You’re not a burden; don’t ever think that. I don’t want you to ever feel that way. Not with me.” I say. I’d do this, every day for the rest of my life if it kept him here with me.

  The next day was better; he still wasn’t feeling great but he was feeling a lot better. He could move without being in excruciating pain. That, that was hell for me. Watching him sneeze or cough even shiver and it cause him a great deal of pain. Clothes hurt his skin, light burned his eyes it was all I could do, not to cry with him.

  Today though, we were venturing out of the house. Kayson had taken my appointments yesterday and I had rescheduled my two for today. I wanted to make sure Morgan was feeling better before I left him all day and went back to work. Today, we were going to my house so he could meet Kayson and Conner. Jody would be there, but until he apologized for the shit he spouted to Morgan, making him run away from me, their contact would be limited.