richard: How?
rosa: I will run yuh over wit’ de bicycle till —
richard: — your superior takes it away.
rosa: De boss man want de cannons out.
richard: All I asked was for one more time.
rosa: I tried.
richard: Barely.
rosa: Fine. I’ll tek care of de starlin’s muh damn self!
richard: Your mission will fail. I have watched the starlings grow from dozens to thousands. They are resilient and strong.
rosa: Well den yuh better find someone else tuh get vex wit’, ’cause if I ain’t able to stop dem from eatin’ de whole blasted crop, I gettin’ send back.
richard: At least you get to return home.
rosa: Not if I come back empty-handed.
richard: If these people have been unable to keep the starlings at bay, what makes you think that you will be successful?
rosa: I once mek a weddin’ dress and five bridesmaids dress in one week. Twice I mek de uniforms for more dan half de children at Miss Duncan Primary School, and I just mek dis suit (dat once belong to muh fat foot fadder) fit muh brudder, and den me, because when t’ings is need tuh get done, I does do it.
richard smiles.
Wha’ yuh skinnin’ you teet’ fuh?
richard:
rosa: You face. Why yuh lookin’ at me like dat?
richard: Your motivation is delightfully infectious. I will help you.
rosa: Fuh true?
richard: What else have I got to do?
rosa: T’ank de Lawrd! And I promise, after dis, I gine run over yuh flat face and kill yuh till yuh dead!
richard: You will have to do it quickly. As I said, haunting takes a toll.
rosa: Okay.
richard: Now, I propose we start with a few practice drills before we / head —
rosa: I ain’t able tuh ride a bicycle.
richard: What?
rosa: Can yuh teach me?
richard: When?!
rosa: Now.
richard: You have got to be kidding me!
rosa: Dis here is a good t’ing.
richard: How?
rosa: Gettin’ run over by de person who you teach tuh ride? Dat is sure tuh hurt yuh heart and kill yuh fast!
richard: Let us just get started.
rosa: Wait!
richard: What now?
rosa holds out her hand and then pulls it back.
rosa: Guess dat ain’t gine work. I’m Rosa.
richard: Oh yes, of course. My name is Richard.
rosa smiles.
rosa: Nice tuh meet you, Richard.
richard: Now, the first thing you need to ride a bicycle is confidence. Do you believe you can ride?
laura emerges from the vines. She watches rosa unseen.
rosa: Yes.
richard: You can do better than that.
rosa: I believe dat —
richard: Still quite weak.
rosa: I believe —
richard: Better, but still —
rosa: I believe! I have faith dat I can ride a bicycle! I will succeed wit’ you help because I trust in you. T’ank you t’ank you t’ank you!
Good?
richard sees laura.
richard: Oh no.
rosa: What?
richard: Behind you.
rosa turns around.
laura: (to rosa) Going for a ride?
rosa: I goin’ to bicycle t’rough de vines to scare de starlin’s.
laura: Good luck with that.
rosa: I might as well try.
laura: Noble, just like Joan. Speaking of which, my brother’s going out shortly so we should probably work on my audition now.
rosa: Why you want me to help you wit’ dat?
laura: Didn’t you read the play?
rosa: I ain’t no mad girl fightin’ all about de place.
laura: First of all, you are a (quoting Steward) slip of a girl in a man’s job.
richard: She knows too?
laura: Second of all, you are fighting. Maybe not the English, but the starlings. Trying to rid them from our land. A losing battle that no one but you and your voices believe you can win.
rosa: Voices?
laura: You don’t have to pretend. I heard you talking to them.
richard: Oh no.
laura: So, what saints do you go through? Michael, Catherine, Margaret — oh my God! Is it Joan?! joan would be perfect.
rosa: I ain’t speakin’ to anybody.
laura: You’re a terrible liar.
richard: You should tell her.
rosa: (to laura) I just talkin’ to myself.
richard: She of all people —
rosa: No.
laura: What?
rosa: Not’ing.
richard: Why not?
rosa:
laura: You’re talking to Joan right now, aren’t you?
rosa: No!
richard: Why not just tell her?
laura: You can trust me. I would never let them burn you.
richard: What have you got to lose?
rosa: Shut up yuh blasted mout’!
richard: She might be able to help us.
rosa: Yuh mean you.
laura: This is amazing.
richard: Yes.
rosa: I tell yuh I gine kill yuh.
laura: Oh my God, you’re a killer?
richard: I wish.
rosa: (to laura) No!
laura: I’ve always thought there might be a chance that I would die violently but never so soon!
rosa: Laura —
laura: Why does Joan want you to kill me? Am I doing such a bad job — How can I improve —
rosa: I ain’t talkin’ to Joan. I talkin’ to . . . somebody else.
laura: That you killed!
richard: If only.
rosa: (to laura) I ain’t kill anybody!
richard: My point exactly.
rosa: I tell yuh I will run yuh over wit’ de bicycle!
laura: Oh my God!
richard: You can’t even ride!
rosa: Laura, listen —
laura: Stay away from me!
rosa: You remember dat first night when I see a man in de field —
laura: What did you do —
rosa: He’s a soldier, a dup — a ghost of a soldier dat —
laura: Is this what you do? Go vineyard to vineyard killing and —
richard haunts laura. She feels his presence and freezes.
Oh my . . .
rosa: His name is Richard.
laura: And he’s a soldier?
rosa: Yes.
laura: What battles? What war?
richard: I fought not far from here in the Battle of Fort George.
rosa: He fight in de Battle of Fort George.
laura: Really? Oh my God, my brother would die if he heard a ghost from the War of 1812 was in our vines. Okay, Patriot or Loyalist?
richard: Loyalist.
rosa: Loyalist.
laura: Oh thank goodness. Isaac would not have been happy with a Patriot ghost stomping around. It’d be one more thing he could blame the state of our grapes on. So what’s Richard doing here?
rosa: Tryin’ to die but he stuck, so I goin’ to unstick he.
laura: How?
rosa: I goin’ to run him over wit’ de bicycle.
laura: This is perfect.
rosa & richard: It is?
laura: Yes.
(as the Archbishop) She is dressed like a soldier, and rides round the country with soldiers.
Voi
ces or not you can still help me. You can teach me how to survive in a man’s world, and Richard can teach me how to soldier and how to come back as a ghost.
rosa & richard:
laura: Didn’t you read the epilogue? When Joan comes back as a ghost? Really hard to play; in my opinion harder than right before she gets burned — Tell me, how did he die — No no, don’t tell me.
Pause.
I can still feel him.
laura closes her eyes.
He got shot by the enemy and then fell off a bridge, and then his head got smashed on a rock, and just before he drowned he was pulled to the shore by coyotes who quickly began to devour him. All this while his wife and two small children watch from the bridge above, crying and pleading. And as life fades from his soul he sees the enemy approaching the bridge. He wants to warn his grieving family, but cannot because the coyotes have already eaten his arms and most of his voice box. So his family is killed, right there, before his eyes. The blood and tears from his loved ones pours over the bridge like a waterfall, and bathes him in a grief so great that even with the little larynx he has left he is able to let out one last cry, (cries out like she has barely any larynx) “ahhhhhhhhhh!” But it’s too late. They’re dead. The river runs red, overflows its banks and envelops Richard. His pale white skin now forever stained red. It’s the forgotten battle of Niagara River.
laura takes a breath.
I’m right aren’t I?
richard: No.
rosa: No.
laura: What’d I get wrong?
richard: Tell her I was in the Coloured Corps.
rosa: He was in de Coloured Corps.
laura: Oh. Ohhhhhh. No wonder you can see him. Okay, let me try again. The river runs red, overflows its banks and envelops Richard as he sings (sings like she’s drowning) “wade in the water, wade in the water — ”
rosa & richard:
laura: Forgive me. I like guessing games. Tell him I’m Laura!
(laura shouts) i’m laura!
richard: Hello, Laura.
laura: Sorry for asking how he died . . . especially since he can’t die.
rosa: Oh, he be dead soon.
laura: Right, the bicycle. Need help?
richard: Yes.
rosa: (to laura) No.
richard: Why do you resist her assistance?
rosa: I can do it muh damn self!
laura: Are you sure, because . . . I don’t know if running him over with a bicycle will be enough. If he’s a soldier, what he needs is a battle.
richard: She’s right.
laura: I’d be happy to help you stage it.
richard: Her passion is the very thing we need.
laura: We could do the Battle of Orléans when Joan and Dunois defeat the English.
richard: Did you know she doesn’t even have an audition? She’s planning an ambush.
laura: The battle’s not staged in the play, but we could make up our own.
richard: That is the kind of resourcefulness we need.
laura: So?
richard: Well?
rosa: I ain’t know.
laura: Come on, (as Joan) you cannot fight stone walls with horses: you must have guns, and much bigger guns too.
richard: Here here!
rosa: How am I supposed to make dis big battle and help you wit’ you audition and scare de starlin’s?
laura: Wouldn’t you rather give a soldier his dying wish than waste your time with the starlings?
richard: She is right. You do not even know how to ride. Your plan is bound to fail!
rosa picks up the bicycle and starts off.
laura: Where are you going?
rosa: If alla wunna ain’t helpin’ me, I ain’t helpin’ you!
laura: What about my audition?
rosa: You ain’t got nuh damn audition!
laura:
rosa: And even if yuh did, yuh would not get de part ’cause yuh too damn selfish. Joan was mad as ass but she would not have t’ink twice ’bout helpin’ me wit’ dese blasted birds!
rosa continues off.
laura: I’ll tell Isaac.
rosa: Tell he. He ain’t gine care when he see how good I scare de starlin’s offa he grapes.
richard: Rosa, wait. wait!
rosa: No! I done wit’ you and yuh flat face too!
rosa leaves.
Scene 3
Wednesday afternoon.
Inside laura and isaac’s rundown farmhouse.
isaac is practising.
isaac: The Battle of Fort George — The Battle of Fort George happe — The Battle of Fort George, believe it or not, happened — It takes — took place right here where we stand. Standing here, we stand on guard for thee — no, shit . . . In 1813 —
laura bursts in.
laura: I need to speak to you about Edmund.
isaac: You talking to me again?
laura: He’s a her.
isaac: What?
laura: He’s not a him. Her name is Rosa and she says she’s posing as her brother, but, if you ask me, there is something much more sinister going on. I think she knows Raymond, and I think she’s come here to get back at us for you firing him. You gotta get rid of her. She’s a danger.
isaac:
laura: Did you hear me? Isaac!
isaac: You gotta be kidding me.
laura: I know, I was surprised too —
isaac: No, you gotta be kidding me.
laura: This is not a joke.
isaac: What’ve you got against Edmund?
laura: Nothing.
isaac: You pissed because he didn’t fall all over you when he got here.
laura: He’s a her.
isaac: Edmund’s a good worker. He doesn’t sneak around. He doesn’t break the rules. I tell him to do something and he does it. Things are turning around out there —
laura: So what! So she helps you save the crop. We won’t be able to unload it, and you know it. We’re better off leaving it for the starlings.
isaac: You mean you are. Not me. If we lose this place what do I do? Not everyone wants to leave, you know. So quit trying to tear this place down before you go.
laura: Isaac, I —
isaac: You know what, go to that audition. Do whatever the hell you want. Just leave me alone.
(recites to himself) In the battle — During the battle — When the battle is —
laura: Try taking deep breaths. It helps.
laura leaves and isaac takes a deep breath.
Scene 4
Wednesday afternoon.
In the dilapidated vines.
rosa tries to teach herself to ride a bicycle.
richard emerges from the vines.
rosa falls.
richard: You should try to —
rosa ignores richard and tries again.
rosa: I can do it muh damn self.
richard: The longer you spend being mad at me the more grapes the starlings eat.
rosa: T’ought you say “my plan is bound to fail.”
richard: It is, but if by some chance we win this battle . . . who knows what else might be possible.
rosa falls again and sucks her teeth.
rosa: Was it dis hard fuh yuh tuh learn tuh ride?
richard: No.
rosa: Oh Lawrd.
richard: But that is only because I have never ridden a bicycle either.
rosa: And you was vex wit’ me!
richard: I have an excuse — I did not see a bicycle until after I died.
rosa: Oh Lawd, wha’ de hell am I doin’ here.
richard: Now, while I have not ridden a bicycle, I have had over a hundred years to watch many many people learn. I
can teach you. If that is not enough, I am a seasoned soldier who has fought in many wars, the last of which when I was in my late sixties.
rosa: Yuh lie.
richard: Do not let my youthful looks deceive you. I am an old man in dire need of rest. But not so tired that I cannot teach an intelligent young woman like you to ride a bicycle. Come on, let us try again.
rosa tries again.
Now, you want to centre your weight and balance before you start pedalling.
rosa succeeds.
rosa: Oh, oh, oh, oh . . . aye! I doin’ it!
richard sees laura.
richard: Oh no.
rosa: How yuh mean, oh no? I just ride a bicy —
laura: Rosa!
laura walks toward richard and rosa. She’s wearing her Saint Joan costume and her hair is now fully cut. She carries a pile of fabric and sewing stuff in her arms.
rosa: What you want?
laura: To help. Here.
laura holds the fabric and sewing stuff out to rosa.
rosa: What all dis for?
laura: Said you can sew, right?
rosa: Yes.
laura: Good, ’cause if we’re going to be hawks we should at least look something like them.
rosa: We?
laura: I’d like to be more of a Joan–Hawk hybrid, but yes, we. I’m here to help with the starlings.
richard: And so am I.
Pause. rosa takes the fabric and sewing stuff from laura.
rosa: Come den, let’s get to work.
Scene 5
Wednesday evening.
Inside Alma’s broken-down board house.
De rain really comin’ down now.
Still in her half-made dress, alma yells at Jennifer’s phone.
amelia, still in her England dress, watches alma.
edmund eats soursop.
alma: Rosa! Rosa! It comin’! Tor-teel-ia —
amelia: Cornelia
alma: Tor-teel-ia comin’ straight fuh we!
amelia: Yuh know dat ain’t how a telephone work.
alma: Call she den.
edmund: We ain’t have no number fuh she, Mummy.
alma yells at the phone again.
alma: rosa!!! roooosaaaaaa —
The phone rings. Shock all round.
(to edmund) Well answer de damn t’ing nuh!
edmund answers the phone.
edmund: Rosa? . . . Oh, Jennifer, okay —
alma grabs the phone from edmund and shouts into the reciever.
alma: Jennifer ain’ here!
Up the Garden Path & The Adventures of the Black Girl in Her Search for God Page 6