Witch Is Where Clowns Go To Die (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 38)

by Adele Abbott

  Fingers firmly crossed.

  ***

  Jack was preparing lunch.

  “We’re out of gravy powder,” I said. “I’d better nip over to the village store.”

  “Good luck with that.” He grinned. “I don’t give much for your chances of finding any.”

  “I can dream. I won’t be long.”

  As I headed towards Tweaking Stores, I spotted two vampires in the distance. I assumed it must be the same couple that Donna had mentioned at dance class. They had their backs to me, and they were walking unusually fast. A little way ahead of them was the vicar who was clearly oblivious to their presence. Were they following him? I had a horrible feeling that’s exactly what they were doing, so I picked up my pace.

  The vicar turned into the narrow street (little more than an alley, really) that ran between the tea room and the pharmacy; it was a well-known shortcut to the rectory. I was still clinging to the hope that the two vampires would carry on past the turning, but to my dismay, they followed him. This was getting serious, so I legged it after them.

  When I reached the alley, the vicar was still unaware of the two shadowy figures who were now just a few feet behind him. Moments later, the male vampire reached out a hand, clearly intending to grab the vicar.

  “Excuse me!” I yelled.

  The two vampires spun around.

  The vicar did too. “Jill?”

  “It’s alright, Vicar. I was just calling to my two friends there.”

  “Ah, okay. Have a wonderful day.”

  “You too, Vicar.”

  And off he went, totally oblivious to the lucky escape he’d just had.

  “What on earth do you two think you’re playing at?” I demanded.

  “We were peckish,” the female vampire said, somewhat timidly.

  “Peckish? Are you totally insane? You do realise where you are, I assume?”

  “In Middle Tweaking.”

  “Which, in case you hadn’t noticed, is in the human world. You can’t simply attack a human in broad daylight.”

  “But we didn’t bring any synthetic blood with us because we thought we’d be able to buy it here.”

  “Your stupidity is hardly the vicar’s fault, is it? If I hadn’t stepped in, you would have drained him of blood, wouldn’t you?”

  “Well, err—”

  “Don’t try and deny it. Your fangs are still showing.”

  “We’re sorry.” The male put his hand in front of his mouth. “This is our first time in the human world. We don’t really know the etiquette.”

  “Well, I can tell you this much: Attacking a human, and killing them by draining their blood, is definitely not the etiquette required.”

  “I guess not. Sorry. Would you happen to know where we could get some synthetic blood?”

  “No, I don’t. I suggest you go back to Candlefield straight away.”

  “But we’ve only just got here.”

  “I don’t care. You’ll just have to cut short your day trip.”

  “We’re not here on a day trip. We’ve booked to stay the whole week.”

  “Where?”

  “In Hotel First Time.”

  “How did you hear about the hotel?”

  “There’s a big advertising campaign running in Candlefield.”

  “What type of advertising campaign?”

  “The ad said that Middle Tweaking was the ideal destination for sups who have never been to the human world before.”

  “Unbelievable.”

  I was so angry it took all my willpower not to do some serious harm to these two idiots. Instead, I practically dragged them across the village back to the hotel. En route, I spotted a werewolf and two wizards. What on earth had Grandma been thinking? Why would she target her advertising at sups who had no experience of the human world?

  As we got close to the hotel, the male vampire pulled away from me. “I don’t care what you say. We’re not cancelling our holiday. We’ve paid for a full week.”

  “I can’t stop you from staying here, but you have to at least go back to Candlefield and pick up some synthetic blood.”

  “We will. I promise.”

  “You better had because if I catch you stalking anyone else, I’ll contact the rogue retrievers and let them know what you’ve been up to. Daze happens to be a close friend of mine.”

  Just the mention of Daze’s name put the fear of God into both of them.

  “There’s no need to do that. We’ll go back home straight away and stock up with enough synthetic blood to see us through the week.”

  “Okay. Now get out of my sight.” I practically pushed them through the doors of the hotel.

  I considered confronting Grandma there and then, but I didn’t trust myself not to do or say something I would later regret.

  I was halfway to the village shop when I heard someone shout my name. Grandma was closing in on me, and she clearly wasn’t happy.

  That made two of us.

  “What do you think you’re doing to my customers? Two of them have just walked into the hotel, and they were very upset. They said a witch had been giving them a hard time. I assume that was you.”

  “It most certainly was.”

  “Would you care to explain yourself?”

  “Do you know what those two idiots were doing?”

  “Looking around the village, I imagine. Sightseeing.”

  “They were just about to attack the vicar and drain him of blood.”

  “Surely not. You’re being melodramatic as usual.”

  “No, I’m not. They were this close to dragging the vicar to the floor and plunging their teeth into his neck when I stepped in.”

  “Oh? Alright, I’ll have a word with them.”

  “Those stupid vampires had come to the human world for a week’s holiday and they hadn’t thought to bring any synthetic blood with them.”

  “Okay, I’ve just said I’ll talk to them.”

  “They told me that you’ve been running an advertising campaign in Candlefield targeting sups who’ve never been to the human world before.”

  “That’s right. I saw a gap in the market and jumped in.”

  “That’s all well and good, but you’ve failed to provide these newbies with even the most basic instructions on how to behave in the human world.”

  “That’s hardly my responsibility. I’m not their mother.”

  “It most certainly is your responsibility. You’re the one who invited them over here. You’re their host. I also saw a werewolf. I assume it’s his first time here as well. What happens if he suddenly turns wolf and rips Miss Drinkwater to shreds?”

  “From what you’ve told me about her, he’d be doing us all a favour.”

  “This is no laughing matter, Grandma. I saw a couple of wizards too. Goodness knows what they might get up to.”

  “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

  “I don’t think so. And I warn you now that if there’s any repeat of the behaviour I’ve just witnessed, I’ll have no hesitation in calling in the rogue retrievers.”

  “I’m not scared of Daze and her gang.”

  “Maybe not, but your guests will be. And when she sends them all packing to Candlefield, you’ll have an empty hotel.”

  “You wouldn’t do that.”

  “Try me.”

  “What exactly is it you want me to do?”

  “Prepare some basic instructions for all your guests, and make sure they’ve read and understood them before you allow them out into the village. I suggest you start by rounding up all your current guests and giving them a good talking to.”

  “And if I refuse?”

  “Your hotel will go bust. I guarantee it.”

  “You’re getting too big for your boots, Jill.”

  “Just do as I say.”

  Further discussion would have been pointless, so I left Grandma standing there, still seething, and made my way to the village store.

  As all I needed
was gravy powder, I’d assumed I’d be in and out of the shop in no time at all.

  Wrong!

  I’d searched high and low in the section marked ‘G’, but there was no sign of it.

  “Marjorie, do you have any gravy powder?”

  “There should be plenty on the shelf, Jill.”

  “I’ve just looked all through ‘G’ section and I can’t see it anywhere.”

  “It’s under ‘P’. ‘P’ for powder.”

  Of course it is. So obvious. Not.

  I eventually found it in-between the washing powder and flea powder. I considered suggesting to Marjorie Stock that it might be time to revisit their shelving system before they poisoned someone, but I knew I’d be wasting my breath. I was just about to pay for the gravy powder when it occurred to me that it might be nice to buy jelly for Florence and Wendy to have after their tea. Amazingly, the jelly was in section ‘J’. There was a selection of flavours to choose from; I opted for the strawberry.

  On my way out of the shop, who should I bump into but Stewart, the man who had persuaded Jack to take Buddy off his hands. The man who was supposedly living with his brother in Australia.

  “Hello, Stewart, fancy seeing you here.”

  “Hi. It’s Jill, isn’t it?”

  “That’s right. Aren’t you supposed to be living in Australia?”

  “Err, yeah. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a problem.”

  “Really? Weren’t you going to live with your brother?”

  “Err, that’s right.”

  “So? What happened?”

  “He—err—”

  “Disappeared? Was taken away by the fairies?”

  “Actually, he died.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry about—wait a minute—when did he die?”

  “Err—” He hesitated.

  “The truth, Stewart.”

  “Three years ago.”

  “And the news has only just reached you, has it?”

  “I—err—”

  “You never were going to move to Australia, were you?”

  “Okay, no. I’m sorry I lied, but that dog and I just didn’t get along. I thought he’d be happier in a family surrounding.”

  “Oh, I see. This was just a selfless act on your part. You were only thinking of Buddy.”

  “That’s right.”

  “Do I look stupid? You and I both know that Buddy is a nightmare. You were looking for some mug to take him off your hands.”

  “I’m sorry, but what’s done is done. I can’t take him back now.” He started to edge his way into the store. “I have to buy some dishwasher tablets. Give my regards to Jack, will you?”

  “Are you alright, Jill?” Jack said. “I was beginning to worry about you.”

  “I most certainly am not alright.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Where do I begin? First, I’ve just discovered that Grandma is encouraging sups, who’ve never been to the human world before, to holiday at her hotel.”

  “Is that a problem?”

  “It could be a massive problem. I just came across two vampires who were on the verge of attacking the vicar.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes. If I hadn’t stopped them, they’d have drained him of blood. The idiots came to the human world for a week’s holiday without any supplies of synthetic blood.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I told them to go back to Candlefield to get some, and I threatened to set Daze on them. Then I read the Riot Act to Grandma. I told her that she had to issue instructions to all of her guests on how to behave in the human world.”

  “Will she do that?”

  “She’d better or I’ll get the rogue retrievers to arrest all of her guests.”

  “How did your grandmother react to that?”

  “She wasn’t best pleased, but I don’t care.”

  “There’s no wonder you’re annoyed.”

  “You’ve only heard the half of it. You’ll never guess who I bumped into on my way out of the shop.”

  “I’ve no idea.”

  “Your friend, Stewart. You know, the guy who gave you Buddy. The guy who went to live in Australia with his brother.”

  “He can’t have come back already, surely?”

  “He never went to live with his brother, and there’s a very good reason for that. His brother died three years ago.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “It’s very simple. Stewart had had enough of Buddy and he was looking for some mug to take him off his hands. And guess what? He found you.”

  ***

  I was feeling a little nervous about Wendy coming to play with Florence because it was the first time she’d had a school friend over for a play date, and I wanted it to go well.

  Donna dropped her daughter off at two o’clock, and we agreed she’d collect her at six-thirty, after the kids had had their tea. The girls were really giddy at first, but they soon settled down. Florence took Wendy out into the garden to play with Buddy who was being his usual obstreperous self. He refused point-blank to fetch the ball whenever Wendy threw it. That was no doubt because our agreement only covered playing ball with Florence. Fortunately, Wendy didn’t seem to be too concerned; she was more than happy to just watch Florence throw the ball for Buddy to fetch.

  When the girls had grown tired of that, they went up to Florence’s bedroom where she proceeded to take out every one of her toys to show Wendy. When I popped my head around the door to check on them, I could barely see the bedroom floor. It would no doubt be my job to tidy them all away later. Still, I didn’t mind. It was nice to see the girls having so much fun.

  I wasn’t sure what Wendy liked to eat, so I’d made a selection of sandwiches. We had nibbles too: crisps, biscuits, cocktail sausages, and sausage rolls. By the time the girls came downstairs again, they were ravenous, and they were soon tucking into the food. Rather than cramp their style, Jack and I put our meals on a tray, and went through to the lounge.

  Twenty minutes later, Florence came through to us.

  “Mummy, can we have our jelly now, please?”

  “Of course you can, darling.” I followed her back into the kitchen and gave the girls their jelly.

  When Jack and I had finished our meals, we headed back into the kitchen. I was just about to go through the door when I stopped dead in my tracks.

  Jack bumped into the back of me. “What are you doing, Jill? I almost dropped my tray.”

  “Look in there,” I said in a hushed voice. “Look at Wendy.”

  He peered around the door. “What am I supposed to be looking at?”

  “Her legs.”

  “Is that fur all over them?”

  “Yes, and look, she’s beginning to grow a tail.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “I think she might be starting to turn.”

  “Into a werewolf?”

  “No, into a kangaroo. Of course into a werewolf.”

  “What are we going to do?”

  “I don’t know. It doesn’t seem to be progressing any further. Let’s just keep an eye on her.” I led the way into the kitchen, and we pretended to be doing the washing up. After a few minutes, her tail had vanished, and the fur on her legs slowly started to recede.

  “I think it’s going to be okay,” I whispered to Jack.

  When Donna arrived, I took her through to the lounge.

  “There’s nothing wrong, is there, Jill? Is Wendy okay?”

  “Everything’s fine. The girls have had a great time.”

  “You had me worried there for a minute.”

  “Sorry. Look, something did happen that I think you should know about. While the girls were eating their tea, fur started to grow on Wendy’s legs.”

  “What?”

  “And I saw what looked like the beginnings of a tail.”

  “Oh, my goodness.” Donna looked horrified. “She didn’t turn completely, did she?”

  “No, that’s as far as
it went, and it only lasted a minute or so. She didn’t even seem to notice, and neither did Florence, but I just thought you should know.”

  “Right, thanks. Can I ask, what did you give them to eat?”

  “Just sandwiches: ham, cheese, that sort of thing, and a few nibbles.”

  “What about for afters? Any dessert?”

  “Strawberry jelly.”

  “That’s it.” Donna turned pale. “I’m so sorry, Jill, I should have told you.”

  “Told me what?”

  “There’s something in jelly that can activate the change.”

  “I had no idea. I would never have given it to her.”

  “There’s no reason you should know. It’s entirely my fault. I should have mentioned it to you.”

  “Luckily, she didn’t eat much of it.”

  “Thank goodness for that. I dread to think what might have happened.”

  “All’s well that ends well. Shall we go through and see the girls?”

  “Okay.”

  As Florence and Wendy said their goodbyes, I grabbed another quick word with Donna.

  “I'm really sorry about what happened. I do hope this won’t put you off letting Wendy come over again.”

  “Of course not. I think we should make this a regular thing.”

  Chapter 14

  “Are you sure this is a good idea?” Jack said.

  “Not really, but I promised Mrs V that I’d take Buddy in to see her, and she’ll keep pestering me until I do, so I may as well get it over with.”

  “Rather you than me.”

  “Florence, come and give me a kiss. I’m going to work now.”

  “Why is Buddy going to work with you, Mummy?”

  “I promised to take him to show Mrs V.”

  “Will he be here when I get home from school?”

  “Of course he will. As soon as Mrs V has seen him, I’ll bring him back home.” I gave her a kiss, then picked up Buddy.

  As I was walking towards the gate, he piped up, “Don’t I get a say in this? I might not want to go to your office.”

  “I thought you’d be pleased to get out of the house.”

  “I’m not some sort of trophy to show off to any Tom, Dick or Harry.”

  “You’ll like Mrs V.”

  “Will she have any treats for me?”