Rewards for successful behavior go farther than punishments for mistakes, which only create shame. Find treats that can be given as reinforcers, as well as hugging, clapping and verbal appreciation.
Appropriate Discipline
In supporting your child's autonomy and will, you obviously cannot relinquish all control. There needs to be appropriate limits, firmly given. Your child cannot understand sophisticated reasoning, but simple cause and effect statements, like: "Doggie bites! Don't touch!" can be understood. Severe punishment teaches aggressive behavior and fosters shame. Withdrawal of love puts the third and fourth chakras at odds, and stimulates the child's insecurity and need for approval.
Instead, try to divert your child's attention to something more appropriate. If you take the remote channel changer out of her mouth, don't yell at her when she cries. Give her something else to hold. Remove her from dangerous situations. Limits set firmly and consistently for short periods of time (such as time out in one's room alone for a few minutes) can be more effective than anger or withdrawal. Children are highly sensitive to parent's approval at this stage. When you must, disapprove of the behavior and not the child.
CHAKRA FOUR 4 TO 7 YEARS
Pay Attention When Modeling Relationships
Children at this age are learning about social roles by identification and imitation. Parental identification allows children to feel that their parents are with them even when not physically present. This means your child will internalize your behavior as a part of himself. If you are angry and aggressive, you will teach him to be angry and aggressive in his relationship with himself and others. As he grows into an awareness of relationships around him, model balanced, loving relationships for him to observe and be a part of.
Model Empathy and Moral Behavior
Identification with you as parent will also give him a basis for moral behavior. Explain to him why you do certain things and refrain from others. "We're going to take cookies to Mrs. Smith, because she's all alone and it will make her feel better" "See how the baby likes it when you smile at her?" "We don't eat candy before dinner because it doesn't leave room for the food that makes bones and muscles."
Also, be aware that you are modeling gender behavior. Be careful not to support overly sexist or narrow interpretations of how men or women behave. Treat your boy and girl children with equal affection, responsibility, and respect. Allow your child to see a wide range of acceptable behavior. Let your daughter be aware of models of strong women. Let your son know that he won't lose his masculinity by showing his softer feelings.
Explain Relationships
Your child is trying to understand how everything he discovers goes with everything else. The more you can explain such relationships, the more secure he will feel. "We put the puzzle away so we don't lose the pieces." "We put gas in the car, so it will take us where we want to go, just like food gives us energy to run around." "Mommy has to work so she can get money to buy food."
Routine can be very important. If routine is interrupted explain why. "We can't go to the park today because Aunt Mary is coming to visit."
Support Peer Relationships
Your child can now relate to children his own age, with supervision. If he's not in school yet, find ways to get him together with other children. If he is in school, ask him about the other kids he interacts with. Find opportunities to foster friendships outside of school.
CHAKRA FIVE: 7 TO 12 YEARS
Support Communication
Your child has a solid command of language now. Help her use it. Have long discussions with her about the nature of the world. Encourage her to ask questions and take time to answer them. Ask her questions about herself, her feelings and her friends that she can talk about. Be an attentive listener.
Cognitive learning is enormous at this period. School is the major arena for learning and development of confidence. Show interest in your child's studies. Help her with her homework. Ask questions, supply added information, share what you know. Get involved in school projects. Model good study habits. Give rewards for good performance.
Stimulate Creativity
Success is the greatest motivator for developing competence. Supply your child with creative opportunities for industrious expression: art supplies, musical instruments, crafts, dance classes. Model the creative thinking process by searching for new ways to do things, even if it's something as mundane as setting the table. Teach her to use tools. Stimulate creativity with books and movies, concerts and plays.
When your child presents you with something she has created, be sure to appreciate it, even if it only looks like a silly blob. This teaches her that her creations have value, and supports her creative identity. Show the drawing to others; put it up on the refrigerator; invite grandma to the school play.
Expose to Larger World
Take your child to new places. A trip to the museum, street fairs, the zoo, a traveling vacation, a campout in the mountains. Allow exposure to different ways of life and encourage her horizons to expand.
CHAKRA SIX: ADOLESCENCE
Support Identity Formation
Your adolescent is now searching for his own identity. This is not a time to become controlling over details that are not of direct harm, such as hair, clothing, or harmless activities, such as listening to music. Respect his expression of individuality. Encourage his own thinking by asking questions rather than giving answers. Instead of telling him what you did when you were his age, ask what he might tell his son if he were a father.
The roles he tries on will change many times before he settles into his adult identity. Don't worry about the ones you don't like. To strongly oppose it strengthens the likelihood that it will last longer.
Support Independence
Allow your child to have more of his own life. Encourage ways he can earn his own money, take responsibility for more aspects of his life, such as buying clothes, having his own transportation, creating activities. Let him make some of his own mistakes. If he feels you believe in him, he will more likely behave responsibly.
Set Clear Boundaries
Adolescents nevertheless must have a clear and consistent sense of limits. As they are now old enough for sophisticated reasoning, it is important to include them in the thinking behind those limits, even to the point of letting them suggest alternative ways to address these limits. My son, for example, got an F in English his first quarter of high school. He immediately lost television and computer privileges until the next grading period. Six weeks later, with four weeks left before the next report card was issued, he asked if he could resume some privileges by getting a note from his English teacher that said how much better he was doing. He took the initiative and brought home a note saying he was now doing "A" quality work. I rewarded him for the improvement by reinstating some privileges on a probationary basis.
CHAKRA SEVEN: EARLY ADULTHOOD AND BEYOND
Seventh chakra modeling actually occurs throughout childhood. By the time your son or daughter is truly at the seventh chakra stage, they are on their own and your influence will be minimal. But here's some general principles to practice beforehand:
Stimulate Questioning
Ask, don't tell. If your home is a safe place to question and discuss values, your child will learn to think for herself. If she is taught to think through her own problems, with support, learning that there may be many answers to a single situation, she will be more open minded. Involving her in intellectual discussions and asking for her opinion makes her feel that her thought processes are worthwhile.
Offer Spiritual Variety
Spirituality should not be forced on your child. It is better instituted by modeling conscious behavior, and sharing what you can as there is interest. In addition to exposing your child to whatever religion you practice, you can make their spirituality even more solid by giving them some exposure to other religions as well. Explain why your family has chosen the religion you practice. Allow your child to research other c
ultures and styles of worship. If your religion is best for her, she will come back to it on her own, more solid in her commitment because she's been offered choice. If she chooses another that she finds more fulfilling, it will be an informed choice, rather than a rebellious act.
Provide Opportunities for Education
Learning is the way we feed our seventh chakra and keep our operating system up-to-date. Support learning in whatever way you can, whether it's attending local community college, weekend workshops, a trek to the Himalayas, or a self-imposed course of study. Teach your child to find the lessons in experience. Ask what she's learning from different activities.
Let Go
When it's time for your young adult to leave home, support and celebrate their independence. It doesn't help to hang on to her nor does it help to push her out the door. As the parent withdraws control and attachment, the young person will naturally gravitate out into her own world.
CONCLUSION
As children grow up through the chakras, they don't immediately outgrow the needs of the previous chakra. Children need physical affection all through life, not just in the first and second chakras. They need continual approval for their self-esteem. They need to be talked to, engaged with, included in family councils and activities.
There is never justification for parents to inflict upon their children sexual activity, physical pain, or shaming criticism. If this occurs, find help for yourself immediately through local parent support groups or your own therapy. Break the cycle. Don't pass on abuse.
Children need love and attention, time and approval. They need to be encouraged, not discouraged. They need to be part of adult society, and they need their individuality to reform that society in ways that are in better harmony with the body, soul, and spirit. Children are the sacred beings of the future. They are the hope of humankind.
For more information on childhood developmental stages, see Judith's Eastern Body, Western Mind.
GLOSSARY
OF INDIAN
TERMS
Aditi: The Vedic goddess of space.
Agni: Hindu god of fire.
Ahimsa: The practice of nonharming.
Akasha: Ether, space, vacuity; the place where traces of all existence and events remain.
Anahata: Sound that is made without any two things striking; the name of the heart (fourth) chakra.
Anandakanda lotus: A tiny eight-petaled lotus located on the Sushumna between the third and fourth chakras. It contains an altar and a "celestial wishing tree." Meditation on this lotus is said to bring liberation (moksa).
Asana: Pose or posture comfortably held; refers to the various hatha yoga positions.
Atman: Soul, self, eternal principle.
Avidya: Ignorance, lack of understanding or knowledge.
Bhakti yoga: The yoga of devotion and service to another, usually a guru.
Bhukti: Enjoyment. That which takes place when higher consciousness descends to the lower chakras.
Bija mantra: Seed sound; represented by a letter-symbol at the center of each chakra, this sound is believed to give one access to or control over the essence of that chakra.
Bindu: (1) Small dot on certain letters to represent the "mmm" sound; (2) mythical basic particle, a dimensionless monad from which matter is built; (3) a drop of semen.
Brahma: Creator god, partner to Sarasvati. Balancer of centripetal and centrifugal forces.
Brahma chakra: (1) Brahma's wheel, i.e., the universe; (2) the name of a particular magic circle. (p. 49, Stutley)
Chakra: (1)A center for the reception, assimilation, and expression of life-force energies; (2) any of the seven energy centers of the body; (3) a disc-like vortex of energies made from the intersection of different planes; (4) wheel, as on a chariot; (5) discus, favorite weapon of Visnu; (6) the revolving wheel of the gods; (7) the wheel of time; (8) the wheel of law and celestial order; (9) a tantric ritual circle of people, alternating male and female.
Chakrasana: The Wheel Pose (backbend). An intermediate yoga pose that opens the front of all the chakras simultaneously.
Chakravala: The nine mythical mountain ranges that surround the world, at the center of which is Mt. Meru.
Chakravartin: Ruler, king, superman. From early Vedic and pre-Vedic, pre-Aryan times, the all-powerful monarch who was allegedly preceded on his march by a luminous apparition in the form of a sunwheel. The Chakravartin sees himself as the turner and the hub of the great wheel of karma, the ruler of the center of the universe. The chakra was one of seven symbols he was to receive when the moment arrived for him to fulfill his mission. (See Heinrich Zimmer, p. 130 f .)
Chakre§vara: Lord of the discus, an epithet of Visnu.
Dakini: One of the four elemental shaktis, associated with Earth in the Muladhara chakra.
Devi: Generic term for goddess.
Deva: Generic term for the god; also celestial power.
Dharma: (1) Divine cosmic order; (2) moral and religious duty, social custom, ethical principle; (3) the act of following religious duty.
Dhyana: Meditation, contemplation.
Ganesha (or Ganapati): Elephant-headed god, remover of obstacles. Good-natured, he is associated with prosperity and peace.
Gauri: "Yellow, brilliant one"-the name of a goddess, depicted in the Vissudha chakra (fifth), who is consort to Siva or Varuna. She is sometimes a fertility goddess, sometimes related to the primordial waters (apah), sometimes the sacred cattle. The Gauris are a class of goddesses which include Uma, Parvati, Rambha, Totala, and Tripura.
Gunas: Qualities. The three threads that weave together the qualities found in all things: tamas, rajas, sattva.
Guru: A religious teacher, especially one who gives initiation.
Hakim: The Sakti at the Ajna (sixth) chakra.
Ham: The seed sound of the Vissuddha (fifth) chakra.
Hanuman: Clever god in the form of a monkey.
Hatha yoga: The yoga through the path of training the body.
Ida: One of the three central nadis which represent the lunar, feminine energy of a person. It is also linked with the Ganges. Its color is yellow.
Indra: One of the chief sky gods in the Hindu pantheon. A god of healing and rain, he usually rides a bull.
Isvara: God in the heart chakra, who represents unity. Literally, "Lord" he was the closest to a monistic god, though not due to importance.
Jaffna: One of the heterodox post-Vedic Hindu systems, focusing mainly on asceticism and protection of all living things (ahimsa) for liberation from karma. The essence of its philosophy was the three ideals: faith, right knowledge, and right conduct.
Jiva: The individual soul or psyche, embodied as a life force, as opposed to atman, a more universal, spiritual sense of soul.
Juana yoga: The yoga of achieving liberation through knowledge.
Kakini: The shakti at the anahata (fourth) chakra.
Kali: Crone goddess, terrible mother, all powerful destroyer, consort of Siva. She is also the symbol of eternal time. She is usually black (the eternal night), open-mouthed with tongue hanging out, four armed, holding weapons and a bloody, severed head. She is the destroyer of ignorance and excess.
Kalpataru: The celestial wishing tree located in the Anandakanda lotus below the heart chakra.
Kama: (1) Love, desire, lust-primal mover of existence. (2) the god of lust and love, Kama tried to entice Siva from his meditations and was reduced to a bodiless entity by the wrath of Siva, which is why he hovers over lovers when they are being sexual.
Karma, karman: Action; the continual cycle of cause and effect in which the individual is caught by the effects of past and present actions.
Karma-yoga: The path of yoga that approaches liberation through right action.
Kundalini: (1) Serpent goddess who lies coiled three and one-half times around the Muladhara chakra. As she awakens she climbs the Sushumna and pierces each chakra. (2) The activating energy force that connects and activates the chakras. (3) a kind of awakening, typ
ified by rising currents of psychic energy.
Kundala: Coiled.
Lakini: The Shakti at the Manipura (third) chakra.
Laksmi: Mother goddess of wealth and beauty, consort of Visnu, pervader and protector.
Lam: The seed sound of the Muladhara chakra.
Lingam: Phallic symbol, usually associated with Shiva. A sign of generative power, even though Shiva was believed to never ejaculate in his sexual activities. Symbol of male potential.
Mandala: A round geometric design used as an aid in meditation.
Manipura: Literally lustrous gem, this is the name of the (third) chakra located at the solar plexus.
Mantra: Literally "tool of thought"; denotes a sacred word, phrase, or sound, repeated internally or externally as a tool in meditation and ritual.
Maya: Illusion, personified as a goddess. Magic, supernatural power, great skill.
Mahashakti: Literally, mother power. The great primordial energy field of constantly vibrating forces.
Moksa (also Mukti): Release, liberation. That which is obtained by releasing attachment, also by wishing on the Kalpataru.
Mudra: A sign made by the particular positioning of the hands, sometimes used in meditation.
Muladhara: Chakra one, base of the spine, element Earth. It means root support.
Nadis: Channels of psychic energy in the subtle body. The root, nad, means motion or flow.
Ojas: Nectar of bliss. That which is distilled from bindu.
Padma: Lotus; sometimes used as an alternate name for the chakras.
Para sabda: Silent sound, thought form that precedes audible sound.
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