Before I Die

by Nikki Ash

  As soon as my body is out of the water, my head goes fuzzy, causing me to become disoriented. My eyes close of their own accord as strong arms wrap around my waist to keep me from falling. My eyes flutter open, and Ethan peers down at me with concern.

  “What the fuck was that?”

  I shake my head. “I don’t know.” I swallow thickly. “I just felt dizzy all of sudden.” I move out of his touch and walk away, wanting to end this conversation before it begins.

  “Jesus Christ. You almost fainted,” he says, following me toward the chair where my towel is.

  “It’s fine. I’m sure it’ll pass.”

  “Fuck that.” Ethan scoops me in his arms bridal style and heads toward the house. He walks us up the stairs and into my room. After placing me on the edge of the bed, he leaves me to go into the bathroom. I hear the shower turn on, and a second later, he’s back.

  “Go take a shower. The sun and whiskey probably got to you. If you need anything, let me know.”

  I thank him, and once he’s left my room, I undress out of my bathing suit and step into the shower. The moment the warm water hits my body, my tense muscles loosen. Lifting my face up to the spray, I allow the water to calm my nerves. My mind drifts to the last few days. It feels as though everything has changed—I’ve changed. My kiss with Ethan. My brother dying. My mom keeping secrets. Being taken by Logan.

  My entire life, I was on one path and now it’s as if that path is no longer an option. Even if Ethan stopped Logan and let me go right this second, I can’t go back to the person I was before. I can’t go back to living my life the way I was. I want more. I want to actually live my life for me. Not for God, or for my parents, but for me. I want to make my own rules and my own choices. Stephen’s death reminded me how short life is, and I don’t want to waste another day, another minute of my life.

  When I step out of the shower, I wrap the huge, white cotton towel around my body and walk back into the bedroom. My luggage is on the bed. Ethan must’ve gone to my house to get my stuff. I try to think if I left anything out that could be mortifying if he saw, but my thoughts are answered when I open the luggage and see every single pair of underwear I own, including that sheer white lacy bra with a matching thong set that Blaire made me buy at Victoria’s Secret.

  My neck warms when I realize he packed all this, which means he saw all this. But you know what? I’m not going to let him know it affected me. This is the new me and I’m done being shy and self-conscious. I grab my green sundress and white bra and panty set, and throw them on.

  I’m ready for this. I’m ready for whatever is going to be thrown at me.

  When I walk into the kitchen, I find Ethan sitting at the bar with a beer in one hand and his cell phone in the other. He’s no longer in his swim trunks, but instead in a pair of gray sweatpants and a white T-shirt. His hair is damp, telling me he must’ve quickly rinsed off.

  When he hears me approach, he looks up from his phone. “I ordered us some dinner. It should be here in thirty minutes.”

  Keeping my eyes on him, I see his gaze intensely focused on my body. There’s no embarrassment, no awkwardness. Ethan is completely calm and confident as his eyes rake over my body.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Much better, thank you.” I stride over to the refrigerator and grab a bottle of water out of the drawer before I sit on a stool next to him. He reaches over and hands me my purse.

  “I checked your phone when I grabbed it. Quite a few people are looking for you. Remember what we talked about. You’re taking a vacation. I already texted it to Blaire because she was freaking out.”

  I nod in understanding. After finding my cell phone and seeing that it’s dead, I grab my charger and plug it into the wall. Once it comes to life, I call Blaire.

  “Nevaeh! Oh my fucking God. Are you okay? You can’t send me a text saying you left on a last-minute vacation and then leave me hanging. Where are you?”

  I take a deep breath, preparing to lie to my best friend. I’ve never lied to her. Ever. But it’s for her own good. Her knowing what has really happened could put her in danger and I would never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to Blaire because of me.

  “I am on vacation. I’m sorry. I… needed to get away for a little bit.”

  “Where are you?” she repeats. “You never take off.”

  “I’m staying at a beach house a friend of Stephen’s lent me. I’ve been struggling lately and I need some time to find myself.” The half-lie comes out of my mouth like silk—smooth and easy. I look over at Ethan, who hasn’t taken his eyes off me.

  “Okay…well, how long are you going to be gone for?”

  “I’m not sure yet. But I’ll call you once I know.”

  “What about your job?”

  “I’m taking some time off.”

  After a moment of silence, she says, “I’m worried.”

  “I’m okay,” I assure her. “But can you do me a favor?”

  “Anything.”

  “I don’t like the thought of you being alone in our condo. I was thinking you could stay with Victor so you aren’t alone.” Not a complete lie.

  “Nevaeh, if something was wrong, you would tell me, right?” she pushes.

  “Blaire, please,” is all I can say.

  She sighs. “Okay, I’ll be at Victor’s, but please know I’m here for you. Any time. I’m only a phone call away.”

  “I know, Blaire. Thank you.”

  “On another note. Gerald called me looking for you. Said you sent him a text telling him to go fuck himself, and in return, I also told him he could go fuck himself.” She laughs. “Look at you getting all badass.”

  “Yeah.” I side-eye my new roomie, knowing it was actually him who sent the text.

  “You’re sure you’re okay?” Blaire presses once more.

  “I am. I’ll call you soon. Love you.”

  “Love you more.”

  Once we hang up, I pull up my email and type out a long and apologetic letter of resignation to my principal, explaining I had wanted to give notice, but it’s not possible.

  Next, I send a group text to my parents to let them know I’m okay and will be out of town for a little while. Before either of them can reply, I turn off my phone and place it on the bar.

  “Everything handled?” Ethan asks, setting the glass tumbler down.

  “Yeah. Blaire said something about someone sending a text to Gerald…telling him to go eff himself. She thinks it was me…” I raise my eyebrows at him, watching him smile sheepishly, like his hand was caught in the cookie jar. I’m not mad about it. I just want to know why he’d do it.

  “Sounds like someone was trying to defend you.” His brown eyes lock with mine and we hold our stare for several long beats, until the doorbell rings, halting whatever’s happening between us for the moment.

  Ethan leaves the kitchen and seconds later comes back with two brown bags and a cold can of root beer. As soon as he opens the bags, the smell permeates my nostrils. Yum! He ordered Chinese. I open my container: sesame chicken and pork fried rice—minus the carrots.

  “How did you get them to do this? Every time I ask, I always get told it can’t be done.”

  “Money can get you whatever you want, Nevaeh,” he says in a matter-of-fact tone.

  Once we’re done eating, Ethan suggests we watch a movie. After calling out several titles, I decide on Top Gun. I’ve always had a secret crush on Tom Cruise and him in Top Gun…yes, please.

  We settle on the couch next to each other. Close enough I can smell his sweet and masculine scent, but far enough away, I would have to reach over to touch him. Which is probably for the best since my every other thought since kissing him in the club has been about wanting to touch him…

  We’re almost an hour into the movie when the scene where Charlie admits that she’s falling in love with Maverick begins. When I picked this movie, I completely forgot about this scene. The song “Take My Breath Away” plays t
hrough the surround sound of the room, and I begin to feel a bit antsy. I fidget as I move my legs under me, trying to get more comfortable. Charlie is underneath Maverick in a passionate and erotic embrace, and I’m sitting next to Ethan watching, wanting what she has—to feel wanted and desired.

  When Ethan kissed me in the club, I felt something similar, and ever since I’ve found myself wanting more: more passion, more touching. I never wanted it with Gerald. He always begged, but I didn’t get it. Now, though… I think I do.

  Ethan pauses the movie and it freezes on the part where Charlie’s hand is grazing Maverick’s back. I shift on the couch, the muscles between my legs clenching.

  “Are you okay?” Ethan asks, placing his arm behind me on the sofa, edging closer to me.

  I look over at him and he has a devilish smirk across his perfect face. “Yes, I’m fine,” I say, but even I can hear the breathlessness in my words.

  “Is this movie making you uncomfortable?” Oh my God, he’s freaking messing with me.

  I shake my head, not giving him the satisfaction of admitting the thoughts that are taking over my girly parts.

  “Have you ever done anything like this?” He nods toward the still-frozen screen.

  “I haven’t done anything.”

  He looks at me with his mouth gaping open.

  “Anything?” he clarifies.

  “Well…there was this one time when my ex felt me up over my clothes. But I stopped him. It didn’t really do anything for me.” I bite down on my lip, hard, before I continue. “I’ve tried to pleasure myself in the past, just to see what it would feel like, and I’m pretty sure I did it, but it didn’t feel anything like I’ve read about in my books.” And then I felt guilty for doing it, because even though masturbation isn’t mentioned in the Bible as being a sin, my mom instilled it in me that any sexual acts not with your husband are.

  “Fuck—” It’s the last thing Ethan says before he grips me by my hips and pulls me into his lap so I’m straddling him. His hardness grinds against my core as he pushes my dress up to my waist. Then he gently grips the back of my neck and pulls my mouth to his for an earth-shattering kiss.

  Ethan

  “… it didn’t feel anything like I’ve read about in my books.” Nevaeh’s admission spurs me on as I grab hold of her curvy hips and push her down onto my rock-hard dick. She wriggles her hot cunt against my pelvis as she moans into my mouth. Since I can’t fuck her, I fuck her mouth. She tastes sweet, like the root beer she was drinking. Her fingers dig into my scalp as she rocks her hips against me, trying to find her own release. She knows she wants to get off, but she doesn’t know what she’s doing, how to find that special spot that will have her screaming in pleasure.

  Because she’s so damn innocent. Too damn innocent.

  A fucking virgin.

  Those thoughts should have me pulling the brakes, taking a step back.

  But I’m a selfish bastard, and the only thing I can think about is making her come right here and now. Being the man to bring her to her first real orgasm. I want to watch her face as she comes completely undone. Feel her tremble under my touch.

  “Ethan,” she whines, becoming frustrated that she can’t do it on her own.

  “I got you, Angel,” I growl against her plump, perfect lips.

  Gripping her hips, I stop her in place. She struggles at first. She’s turned on, horny as hell, with no clue how to find her release.

  “Angel,” I repeat.

  She takes a deep, frustrated breath, but she stops her movements.

  Once she’s completely still, I take over. With her panties still on, I slowly rock her hips forward and backward, creating friction using the thickness of my shaft.

  My mouth leaves hers, and my lips go straight to her neck, sucking on the soft skin above her pulse point. Nevaeh moans in response, her grip on the roots of my hair tightening.

  “That’s it, baby. Feel what I’m doing,” I purr into her ear. I nip at her earlobe and she shivers, making me smile. She’s so damn responsive.

  “I-I feel…” She’s trying to explain what she’s feeling, but she doesn’t know how.

  I continue rubbing her cunt against my hardness. I don’t have to see it to know she’s dripping wet. Her juices are soaking through my sweats. I consider myself experienced. I’ve slept with my share of women over the years. With and without a condom, I have no problem lasting. But right now, as Nevaeh’s legs clench around my thighs and her head falls back as she screams my name, I’m brought back to my teenage days. I try with everything in me to hold back, but when her climax hits its peak and she comes all over me, her wetness coating my dick through my clothing, my body acts of its own accord. My fingers dig into her flesh, and I come at the same time Nevaeh does.

  “Oh. My. God! Ethan!” she cries, tugging so hard on my hair, I about see stars—or maybe it’s the fact I just came harder than I ever have before and I wasn’t even in the woman.

  “It’s okay… Ride it out, baby,” I tell her, so she knows what she’s feeling is normal.

  She goes quiet at the same time her body goes limp against mine. She releases her hold on my hair, and her head nuzzles into the crook of my neck. For a few minutes, we sit in silence, the only sound coming from her as she works to catch her breath. My cum is sticking to my skin beneath my briefs, but I don’t want to rush her.

  When she finally lifts her head, her eyes meet mine and she hits me with the most gorgeous, shy smile. Her cheeks are flushed a beautiful shade of pink and her eyes are glossed over, like she’s high on the most exquisite shit.

  “How was it?” I ask, unable to help myself.

  Her cheeks and neck turn a deeper shade of pink, and her nose crinkles. “Good,” she admits, her smile widening. “I was so tense, and then it was like… I was flying. My head got all foggy and I think I saw fireworks.” She shakes her head and then hides her face against my shoulder.

  I chuckle, wanting to beat my fist against my chest like a goddamn caveman, because I did that to her. I gave her that orgasm. Made her see fucking fireworks. And fuck if I don’t want to do it again and again.

  I wrap my arms around her and rub her back for a few more minutes, until she sits up, looking slightly more composed. That is until she attempts to climb off me and feels the aftermath of her orgasm.

  “Oh my God! Did I…” Her face turns crimson. “Did I pee on you?” She scampers off me and stands, her eyes going wide when she takes in the sight before her.

  I glance down and see the huge wet spot and laugh. “Baby, that’s not pee…That’s your orgasm.”

  I stand. “I’m going to get cleaned up.” Stepping toward her, I lift her chin with my thumb and forefinger and give her a soft kiss on her mouth. “What happened is perfectly normal. It’s your body letting go.”

  She groans. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, trust me. Did it feel good?”

  “Yes, very good.” She grins for a second, then her brows dip in the middle. “What about you?”

  “What about me?” I ask, unsure what she’s referring to.

  “Well… I heard you moan… Did it feel good for you too?” She averts her eyes out of embarrassment.

  “Look at me, please,” I say, turning her face, so she’s forced to look at me. “It was good for me, too.”

  “But… I mean, we didn’t…”

  “Sex isn’t the only way to get off.” I laugh when she glances down. “Yeah, I came in my pants like a pubescent teenage boy.”

  Her eyes light up as she comes to understand what I’m saying. “You…came in your pants?” She giggles, and the sounds does weird shit to me that I choose to ignore.

  “You think that’s funny?” I growl.

  She nods and covers her mouth to try to hide her laughter.

  “I’ll show you funny.” I scoop her up off the ground and throw her over my shoulder.

  “Ethan!” she screeches as I haul her ass upstairs. I don’t put her down until we’re in the ma
ster bathroom and I’ve turned the water on.

  Once she’s on her feet, I lift my shirt over my head and throw it into the hamper. Nevaeh’s eyes rake down my body as I push my sweats and boxers down my thighs.

  “Ethan!” Her hands fly to cover her eyes. “You’re naked!”

  “The last time I checked, people don’t shower in their clothes.”

  She peeks out from between two of her fingers. “I don’t think we’re there yet… Seeing each other naked.”

  Her voice is soft, and I suddenly feel like a fucking asshole. I’m so used to women throwing themselves at me. Being more than comfortable in their own skin. I just gave her her first real orgasm…through our clothes. Of course she wouldn’t be comfortable getting naked yet.

  “I didn’t think,” I say, pulling my drenched pants back up. “Shower in here and I’ll go shower in the other bathroom.”

  Before she can respond, I’m out of the bathroom, closing the door behind me and heading down the hall to the bathroom I’ve been using. I shower and change into clean sweats. Figuring Nevaeh will need some time to herself, I lie down in bed, grabbing my laptop and cell phone so I can get some work done.

  I don’t know how long I’m working when there’s a knock on my door.

  “Come in.”

  The door creaks open, and standing there is Nevaeh, dressed in another pair of my boxers and club T-shirt. “Didn’t I pack you pajamas?”

  “Yeah,” she says softly, her cheeks turning that signature shade of pink I love. “But your clothes are more comfortable.”

  After a moment of silence, she says, “Are you mad at me?”

  Closing the top to my laptop, so I can give her my full attention, I ask, “Why would you think that?”

  “Because I wasn’t ready to get naked in the shower.”

  “Come here.” I nod toward the bed and set my laptop on the nightstand. Without needing to be told twice, Nevaeh scurries over to the other side of the bed and climbs in. She bunches up the blankets and gets comfortable like she’s planning to stay awhile.