It’s not happening again.
It can’t happen again.
Hearing a loud banging sound, I place my hands over my ears as I screw my eyes shut, trying to block out the screaming in my head. “What’s up? Becca! Where are you?” Reid says looking around the room, I curl up in a ball and focus on breathing in and out to try and control the panic climbing up my throat “Hey Reid, erm Becca was in here when I came to get my phone, she saw me and I think is having a panic attack. I didn’t think, I’m really sorry” Asher says in a quiet tone. A panic attack? Is that’s what’s happening to me. It doesn’t feel like any kind of attack, It feels like I’m drowning.
Hearing my heavy breathing Reid slowly approaches the armchair I’m hiding behind “Hey baby girl. Its Reid” he says touching my arm, amongst my fog I hear his name and uncurl myself to see him looking at me full of concern “That’s it” he says as I take his hand and climb on him, I wind my arms around his neck while he holds me, trying to calm me down “Shhhh, it’s okay babe, I’m here” he says rocking us back and forth slowly, what’s happening to me. I couldn’t even think back there, it was like my mind was poisoned and I had no other thoughts than to try and survive.
Once my panic subsides, I feel so embarrassed about the way I reacted. All he did was say hello to me and my mind flipped “I’m okay now” I tell Reid as I try to stand on shaky legs, using his arms for support, I manage to remain upright. I can’t stop the shakes still wracking my body, still suffering the aftermath of what just happened. Hearing hushed voices from the kitchen, I take a deep breath and make my way over, I need to apologise to him.
Turning the corner, I see Hayley and Asher at the kitchen table, coffees in hand talking quietly “Erm hey guys. I’m really sorry. I…. I don’t know what happened” I say looking to the floor “Don’t apologise Becca. Panic attacks are real in the moment” Asher says kindly “But I must ask, are you receiving treatment for your episodes?” he asks, now I remember, Hayley told me he’s a councillor “Erm, yes the hospital have set something up. I’m waiting on a phone call” I say timidly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at him in the eye properly. Looking at him now I’ve calmed down, I see he’s very good looking for an older man, grey dusted blond hair frames a kind looking face, his light blue eyes are beautiful. I can’t believe I had the reaction to him that I did. Even now, after how I reacted to him, he’s still treating me with kindness and understanding.
I bet he’s a great councillor
“Becca Honey, it’s so good to see you” Hayley says, she comes over for a hug but stops short when she sees me shaking. I pull her towards me to embrace her, not realising how much I needed it. Feeling warmth at my back, an arm wraps round my middle and I’m pulled against a hard chest, Reid puts his head atop mine and I slump into his body. “Okay kids, we are going to head out for a while” Asher says, I don’t want them to feel like they have to leave, but I need some time alone to calm down and figure out what just happened. Sitting at the kitchen table after they leave, Reid brings over two cups of coffee, we sit in perfect silence as we drink them and eat some breakfast, I think he knows I need some quiet right now. Taking a breath, I start to feel a bit more myself again.
I need to get control of this, If I don’t, I don’t know what will be left of me.
Chapter Eleven
That night, me and Reid sit down on his bed, ready to watch a movie, he suggested it since his mum and Asher are downstairs. We had a pretty relaxing day after this morning’s events, Sherri came over to check on me, she was here for hours before Reid shooed her from the house saying I needed to rest. After making us some lunch, he sent me upstairs with strict instructions to sleep. I only managed an hour before a nightmare woke me up, I dreamt I was back on that kitchen floor, but it wasn’t Gary on top of me, it was Reid It was the worst experience I’ve ever had. It confused me that I hadn’t had a nightmare at all since the attack, I’d been fine, deep full nights of sleep, so why was this nap any different.
Hearing my screams Reid ran up the stairs and hugged me against him until I calmed down, that’s how we ended up watching the movie. He just got up and put the disc in the DVD player, the title screen comes up and I realise he’s put my favourite movie on Need For Speed. Snuggling down into him we quietly watch as Aaron Paul comes on the screen “We need to talk about it you know” Reid says softly making me clam up, we haven’t spoken about the attack since the police asked me what happened. I knew he would have questions, but the thought of bringing it up again is too much “Can we talk about something else instead, I just can’t talk about it yet” I say pulling away from him, he has to know how uncomfortable this is for me, I haven’t even spoken to a professional about this yet. I lost that fundamental element of trust with Reid a while ago, it’s going to take some time to get that back. Thinking on that I ask “What are we going to do about Tiff? She still has the video of us, and now I’m staying here she’s probably going to post them” I say feeling worried, during everything, I almost forgot about the problems with Tiff “Beck’s we don’t have to talk about that right now” he says sitting up “We do Reid, it’s hanging over us. I don’t know where we stand right now and if moving forward is what you want, we can’t do that with her holding this blackmail over our heads” I need to know what we are to each other now, staying here with him, having him comfort me and kiss me, it makes me feel like we are falling into our old ways, but I have no idea what he’s thinking “What do you think about us?” I ask him, he turns to me, pushing his hand through his hair “I never wanted to lose you in the first place Beck’s. I thought I was doing the best thing” he huffs out, can I look past him not telling me? Him sleeping with her? I’m not sure, it’s something we would have to work on “I’ve loved you since I was 4 years old Reid, we’ve shared most of our life together. Did you break my heart? Yes, but I’m willing to try…. You mean too much to me to just throw it away” I tell him honestly, he lets out a big breath “But we need to take to it slow, I’m not the person I was before. We’d need to start again” I tell him, I’m not the same person I was when we were dating and I lost a big part of myself on that kitchen floor “I’ll take anything Beck’s, I just want you again. I’ll deal with Tiff, I’ll tell her we’ll go to the police if we have to” he says grabbing my hands he pulls me into a bone crushing hug. In my heart, I can’t get myself to believe that me and Reid were ever completely over, he looks at me with such love and trust, I just need to learn how to love him fully again.
The next day Reid has to go back to work, I tell him I’ll be fine here while he’s away, but it’s still a struggle to push him through the bedroom door so he isn’t late. He tells me his mum is here all day for anything I need and no doubt Sherri will be over again at some point “I really don’t feel right leaving you alone” he says in his bedroom doorway, pained expression on his face, he’s been so attentive since I got out of hospital. He’s the old Reid again, the one I grew up with “I’ll be fine, your mum is here like you said. I’ve got a tonne of movies to watch, so I’m set until you are home” I tell him as I push him further through the door. In truth, I love being here, it feels like home. With a defeated sigh he finally gives in “Ok, well you can text me whenever. I’ll have my phone by me all day” something tells me he’s going to be checking up on me a lot today “I promise I’ll text if I need anything” I tell him. I need some time to myself to process my thoughts, Reid hasn’t left me alone since the attack. It’s been amazing to have him so close again, but I need some time alone to work through what’s going on in my mind. Giving him a goodbye kiss, I finally manage to shuffle him out the door.
I have a quick shower before I start on the movies I’ve got lined up. I find it a little easier to look at myself in the mirror today, which is progress I guess. One day I hope I can look in the mirror again and tell myself I’m ok.
I get myself dressed in my comfy pj bottoms and one of Reid’s band t-shirts, deciding there’s no point in getting
dressed when I plan to hide up here for most of the day.
After locking myself in his bedroom for most of the morning, by 11am my need for coffee weighs out hiding. Making my way downstairs I hear the tv on in the front room, I pour myself a coffee from the urn I take in a deep breath and head to the other room. Hayley sits on the sofa reading a magazine, she puts it down when she hears me enter the room “Becca honey, I was wondering when you would come out of hiding” she says over the rim of her reading glasses “Oh I erm..wasn’t hiding” I lie “I was watching movies and fell asleep” lie lie lie, she looks up at me and her face shows that she knows I’m not telling the whole truth “Ok I was hiding, not from you though” I tell her quickly “From everything?” she asks quietly, giving her a small nod she closes her magazine and pats the sofa, asking me to sit with her “Have you heard from your assigned councillor yet?” she asks me “Yes, they text to say a phone appointment is booked for later on” I’m dreading this appointment, thinking about it makes me almost come up in hives “Good, how are you feeling about it” she asks looking at me. My first thought is to lie to her and tell her I’m fine with it, but l know she would see right through that “I’m bricking it to be honest. I’m dreading that I’ve got to relive what happened to a complete stranger” I say, tears welling up in my eyes. When I told the police, I was scared out of my mind, but I had Reid with me the whole time, and the pain pills didn’t hurt. But Reid doesn’t even know I have the appointment later, I know he would have taken off work, but he can’t miss anymore of it for me. I need to face some demons on my own.
“That is a completely normal way to feel” Hayley tells me as she tucks her legs up on the sofa to face me “Speaking to Asher when I first chose to confront my demons was the hardest thing I’ve ever done” she says honestly, I’ve never quizzed her on her mental health, it was never something I needed to know the reason for, I just chose to be there for her when she needed it “Do you know why I suffer with depression?” she asks me, in truth, I’ve always wondered how it came about, but I never wanted to ask “Erm.. no, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I never needed to know…I just wanted to help” I tell her, she smiles warmly at me “I’ve always admired that about you, you never judged or demanded to know why. You’ve always been there for me, like a daughter, so that’s why I’m going to tell you this” she says taking a deep breath before she begins “I’ve only ever told Asher this, even Reid doesn’t know. I’d like to keep it that way so he doesn’t worry…..” she says, I nod, silently saying I won’t tell him “About 20 years ago, when I was 15. I was doing a few shifts at a supermarket, back then they didn’t care that I wasn’t 16, they just needed able bodies to help move stock around, and mum needed the money to keep food in the house….it was late when I finished one of my shifts so I’d missed the last bus home that night. I rang my mum to see if she could give me a lift…she was working so she sent my stepbrother, Nathan….. Nathan was a horrible kid, he was 17 but acted a lot older, he was often out with older boys causing trouble” she pauses as she composes herself “Nathan turned up in his car to get me, he had 2 older boys in the car with him. I had a bad feeling about getting in that car, but I had no other way of getting home. It was 5 miles to my house, and I didn’t have my jacket with me…. Stupidly I got in the car” her eyes start welling up, she wipes at them furiously “You don’t have to tell me Hayley, it’s okay” I try to sooth her, feeling my own eyes start watering “No I need to get this out, it’s time to tell someone else…. Nathan didn’t start driving the way I knew was the road home. I asked him where we were going, but he just laughed at me. He pulled up at the old boating yard down at the marina, he locked the doors before I could try to get out, I tried so hard to pull the handle on the door but it wouldn’t budge…. him and his two friends raped me that night, they took turns violating my body without my permission, ignoring my pleas for them to stop” she starts sobbing, I wrap my arms around her, my own tears hiking down my face “When they were done they kicked me out the car. I laid there for the longest time sobbing and throwing up, I blamed myself for choosing to get in the car when I had a gut feeling I shouldn’t. It took me a long time to realise it wasn’t my fault, nothing I chose that night was my fault. It was theirs” she says grabbing a tissue off the coffee table “I suffered with my thoughts for a long time, contemplated ending it all when I couldn’t deal with them on my own. Until my own little miracle happened, that night… even though it was the worst night of my life, gave me Reid” she says. She fell pregnant?! To her rapists.
Oh my god.
I’ve always wondered about Reid’s father, he says his mum never told him who he was other than it was someone he wouldn’t want to know, this poor woman “When I told my mum what happened I was shocked when she believed me right away. I had expected her to think I was making it up to cover my pregnancy, but my mum was an amazing lady. She helped me file a police report and sat with me through it all. she helped me testify in court and put those three boys in prison, she never left my side. When she died 3 years ago I felt for a long time that I couldn’t cope on my own. I’d never seeked help for my mental health because all I needed was her. When she passed she left me a letter in her will, begging me to find someone I could have in my corner, then I found Asher” she says with a smile “And he’s been my rock through it all. He’s been there to help me come to terms with what happened to me and my mum passing” she says while wiping her face, “You are the strongest lady I know Hayley, you can get through anything…..I’m so sorry this happened to you” I say with tears on my face “And you are the strongest girl I know Becca. You will get through what happened to you, you won’t be the same girl you where before you were attacked, so you need to stop looking for her. You need to find the bits of you that are left and put them back together. It takes time and pain to get there, but it’s all worth it in the end” she wraps me a warm in a hug as she gives me the best advice I could receive right now “I don’t know how to fix myself” I tell her with a sob “I can’t even look at myself right now, I don’t know if I can talk about it with a stranger” I tell her voicing my biggest worry “Then tell me” she says simply. And so, I do, I spill every horrible memory about the attack, we cry in each other arms consoling each other with our shared pain. Until we both feel lighter that we know we are not alone.
Sitting at the kitchen table a little later I ask Hayley a question that I’ve been scared to ask “Where are they now? The boys that hurt you?” I ask her round a mouthful of sandwich “Well, Nathan was released but went back to prison shortly after for attempted murder. He bottled someone in a bar and almost killed him, he’s still in prison to this day, One of others died in prison, he got on the wrong side of a convicted murderer……. and the last one got released on good behaviour. It kept me up for months when he first got out, I thought he would come for me, but I’ve got a protection order in place. He can’t come anywhere near me or my house, I’ve learned to live with the fear” she says while cutting her own sandwich in half, if someone as strong as Hayley can get to the point of coping with her demons and live a full life, then it makes me feel better knowing that I have a chance to do the same.
Chapter Twelve
Staring at my phone ringing away on Reid’s bed after lunch, I swallow past the lump stuck in my throat, I can do this. Steeling my spine, I try to stop being a coward and pick up the phone “Hello” I say as I click answer “Hello, is that Becca Hughes?. Its Dr. Trent” the lady says on the other side of the line “Yes. I’m Becca” I say with a shaky voice “I’ve called for our scheduled phone appointment. Are you okay to talk for a while?” she asks. She had a kind, soft voice “Erm…. Yes, I can talk for a while” I say, I sit on the bed to stop my legs from shaking “No need to be scared Becca. We can talk about everything and nothing if you want to. We can start with getting to know each other a little bit, does that sound okay to you?” she asks. I feel relieved that she’s not going to ask me to relive what happene
d straight away, I need some time to come to terms with what happened to me before I can explain how I feel to a stranger.
For a while we talk about normal stuff. We talk about my dancing, she tells me she used to dance in school which makes her earn some brownie points. I tell her about Sherri and Brady, she tells me she thinks they sound like amazing friends. Finally, I tell her about Reid “He sounds like a hotty” she says making me snort “The hottest” I tell her. This is nothing like I expected, I thought she would be really clinical and impersonal. But instead, it’s like talking to another friend, she’s so open and easy to talk to “So you’re living with him and his mum right now you said?” she asks “Yes, they’ve been amazing, I feel very at home here” I tell her honestly, I kind of never want to leave, laughing to myself “Well, you’ve made me want to come visit. I need myself some new man candy and this Brady sounds like a treat” she tells me making me laugh “Yeh he’s a good one. Gavin is pretty nice to look at as well. I will tell you, I think Brady’s heart belongs to another” I still need to work on setting him and Sherri up “Oh I have no doubt. With the way you were describing them, him and Sherri should have gotten together long ago” she says “That, I completely agree with” I say laughing at how she hit the nail on the head. We talk for a while longer about our lives, all the tension leaves my shoulders when I realise I like her. She’s let me get to know things about her until I’m comfortable on the phone, it’s just what I needed. Ending the call with an appointment for next week, I feel a lot better about the prospect of talking to her about what happened, things are looking up a little for me.
Break my heart (Estate Series 1) Page 8