Look

by Zan Romanoff

  DIAL BOOKS

  An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, New York

  Copyright © 2020 by Alexandra Romanoff

  Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

  Visit us online at penguinrandomhouse.com

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Romanoff, Alexandra, author. Title: Look / Alexandra Romanoff.

  Description: New York : Dial Books, [2020] | Summary: “While falling in love with the mysterious Cass, Lulu sheds her carefully crafted social media persona and takes ownership of who she is in this feminist, queer coming-of-age story”— Provided by publisher.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2019021278 (print) | LCCN 2019022312 (ebook) | ISBN 9780525554264 (hardcover)

  Subjects: CYAC: Identity—Fiction. | Bisexuality—Fiction. | Feminism—Fiction. | Social media—Fiction. | Love—Fiction.

  Classification: LCC PZ7.1.R6682 Loo 2020 (print) | LCC PZ7.1.R6682 (ebook) | DDC [Fic]—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019021278LC

  ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019022312

  Ebook ISBN 9780525554288

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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  FOR THE WOMEN WHOSE WRITING GOT ME HERE

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Chapter Thirty-three

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Chapter Thirty-six

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  Chapter Thirty-eight

  Chapter Thirty-nine

  Chapter Forty

  Chapter Forty-one

  Chapter Forty-two

  Chapter Forty-three

  Chapter Forty-four

  Chapter Forty-five

  Chapter Forty-six

  Chapter Forty-seven

  Chapter Forty-eight

  Chapter Forty-nine

  Chapter Fifty

  Chapter Fifty-one

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Beauty is always something you can lose. Women’s beauty is seen as something separate from us, something we owe but never own . . . We tend it like a garden where we do not live.

  —Jess Zimmerman, “What If We Cultivated Our Ugliness?”

  Pretty girls don’t know the things that I know.

  —“Magnets,” Disclosure, ft. Lorde

  CHAPTER ONE

  LULU ARRANGES THE image before she turns the camera on herself. Patrick’s mother is kind of a monster, but at least she’s the kind who makes sure all of the lighting in her house is flattering, even in rarely used guest bathrooms. You have to give her credit for that, Lulu thinks.

  The light in here is so even that it almost seems sourceless. The shell pink of the wall is suede-soft, and it makes Lulu’s hard-earned winter tan glow golden in contrast. Everyone who’s not at the party will wonder where the hell she is when they see this.

  So will the people who are here, actually. She didn’t tell anyone that she was going upstairs, and most of them don’t know the house well enough to recognize this room without context. The image will pop up on their screens at some point tonight, and they won’t be able to identify where she was when she took it.

  They won’t ask. That’s a thirsty move, and they’re all supposed to be better than that. The idea of parties like this one is that you only get invited if you act like the invitation doesn’t matter to you.

  Lulu explained this to her older sister once.

  “Doesn’t it gross you out?” Naomi asked. “Treating your life like it’s a game?”

  “Don’t you like to know the rules?” Lulu asked her in return.

  Lulu was fifteen then, spending her afternoons riding around in Kingsley Adams’s BMW, learning how to smoke weed and how to drive stick, and how to tell if a boy liked you or just liked the way you looked next to him, stoned and pliant, riding shotgun.

  She was wrong about how much King liked her, as it turned out, but right about the rules in general. There were rewards for knowing what they were and following them carefully. Rewards like when Lulu leaves a party to be alone for a little while, people assume that it’s because there’s something wrong with the party, instead of thinking there’s something wrong with her.

  Lulu is pleased when her image blinks onto the screen. It looks like she imagined it: Her long dark hair is caught up in a messy topknot, pinned in place by a slash of gold. Bea made her laugh so hard she cried earlier, when the sun was still up and the world still seemed interesting, so her eye makeup is a little smudged in a way that suggests she’s been having too much fun to bother fixing it. She gave Owen his ring back but kept the chain she wore it on. Its empty curve dangles below the frame, where it won’t give too much away.

  Lulu closes her eyes, opens them, and snaps herself in the act of looking up, so that the picture looks like it’s been taken by someone standing over her, catching the edge of her attention. Then she takes a movie: her looking at the camera, and then laughing, and then looking away. She thinks maybe she should be embarrassed—it’s kind of cheap, just her flirting with herself—but whatever, because it will also work.

  She posts the files and then settles on the stool at the edge of the bathtub to thumb through the rest of her Flash timeline. She can probably kill at least another fifteen minutes before anyone thinks to come looking for her, and hopefully that someone will be Owen or Bea. If it’s Bea, she can talk her into leaving—going home and going to sleep.

  If it’s Owen, she won’t have to work very hard to give everyone something new to wonder about.
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  When the bathroom door opens, though, Lulu doesn’t recognize the girl who walks through it.

  “Shit,” the girl says, even though Lulu is fully clothed and sitting like four feet from the toilet. “I’m so sorry. Shit, shit, shit, sorry.”

  Her hair is curly and copper red, and she’s milk pale, freckle-sprinkled, very thin. She flushes pink and takes a step backward, knocking into the open door. “Ow,” she says, and then, again, “Sorry.”

  Lulu can’t help but be charmed. “It’s fine,” she says. “I mean, I’m not, like, using it. The room. I’m just taking a break. You can—” She starts to stand.

  “No!” the girl says. “No, honestly, I’m—I was going to do the same thing.”

  She’s still flushed, but smiling now too. Lulu, who endured years of middle school orthodontia, admires the almost aggressive evenness of her teeth.

  “Kind of sucks down there, huh,” Lulu says. She sits again. “But Patrick’s parties are always like this, don’t you think? He likes getting shit-faced so much that he forgets there are other things we could be doing. Like, anything else. I’d play cards right now. Boggle. Anything but sitting around doing shots.”

  “This is my first,” the girl says. “Party. Here, I mean. Not, like, my first party ever.”

  “Thank god,” Lulu says. “I would hate for this one to ruin your opinion of them.”

  The girl laughs. “I’m Cass,” she says. “By the way.”

  “Lulu,” Lulu says. She doesn’t offer her hand, and Cass doesn’t either. Lulu can’t decide if Cass recognizes her or not, and it would be way too narcissistic to ask.

  It seems like she probably doesn’t; she isn’t watchful around Lulu the way girls who know her from the internet sometimes are. They usually don’t say anything, but their eyes jitter across her body restlessly, trying and failing to look away.

  Cass slumps down to sit with her back against the counter, stretching her legs out on the fluffy rug in front of her.

  No one cares that much about you, Lulu reminds herself. She’s the one who cares way too much about everyone else.

  Speaking of caring, she can’t stop herself from doing her usual assessment: Cass is wearing slightly too much mascara, a thin white T-shirt, and tight black jeans Lulu doesn’t recognize the brand of. The soles of her flats are scuffed with patterns of wear. Lulu can’t decide whether Cass is trying and kind of failing, or if maybe she doesn’t even know she should be trying.

  When Cass pulls an iPhone with a cracked screen and no cover out of her pocket, a third possibility occurs to Lulu.

  Is it possible that Cass just doesn’t care about trying either way?

  “Do you and Patrick go to school together?” Lulu asks, trying to triangulate.

  “Yeah,” Cass says. She frowns at something on the phone and swipes it away dismissively. Then she looks up at Lulu, her face glowing faintly blue from its light. “How do you know our host?”

  “Elementary,” Lulu says. “JTD.”

  So Cass goes to Lowell. She doesn’t look like the Lowell girls Lulu’s met. There’s usually a particular put-together sheen to them, she thinks. Something about Cass strikes her as raw. She’s not undone on purpose, like Lulu’s own carefully careless bun. But there’s something about her that’s just—

  “I didn’t grow up here,” Cass says.

  —what it is, Lulu thinks. She asks, “When did you move?”

  “To LA? When I was twelve. I transferred to Lowell when I was a freshman.”

  Lulu gets distracted by her phone, which is lighting up with notifications: people liking her post, and replying to it, and sending her videos of their own. She’s getting to the point, follower-wise, where she’s going to have to turn notifications off soon. Every time she posts anything, there’s a flood of this, just nonsense—girls she doesn’t know asking her where she got her jewelry and makeup and boys sending her snaps of themselves shirtless in their bathrooms, trying to look hard-eyed and distant.

  If Naomi were here, she’d be asking Lulu about this too probably: Why do you keep doing it, Lu?

  Lulu wouldn’t have a good answer for her.

  She puts her phone down. “Do you like it?” she asks Cass. “Los Angeles?”

  “Not really.”

  Lulu doesn’t catch herself in time to not roll her eyes.

  “Oh,” Cass says. She leans forward just slightly. “So it’s like that.”

  “It’s not like anything,” Lulu says. She lolls her head against the wall behind her, to make sure they’re both clear on how much space there is between them. “Whatever. Why would I care?”

  “Oh.” After a beat, Cass leans back too.

  Lulu should leave it at that. She should go downstairs and be social and stop sitting alone like a weirdo. She should go back and pretend everything is normal, so that at some point, everything will be normal again.

  Instead, she says, “I think you have to give it a chance.”

  “Oh?”

  “I mean, I don’t know. It’s just such a big city, and it’s so weird. I feel like it takes a while to figure it out. And people always come in with these ideas about what it is, or what it should be. It’s so exhausting. Like, just because you’ve seen it on TV doesn’t mean you know anything about it, I guess. Is all.”

  “I guess. Is all,” Cass says, imitating the fall of Lulu’s voice at the end of her monologue. She nudges the toe of her shoe against Lulu’s ankle, to let her know she’s only teasing.

  Despite herself, Lulu laughs a little bit. She tries to mask it with a shrug.

  “But no, I get that,” Cass continues. “That seems fair. I guess I just haven’t found the parts of it that I love yet, really.”

  “Nothing?” Lulu asks.

  She risks looking up. Cass is leaning forward again, intent, unembarrassed.

  “There’s this one spot,” Cass says. “It’s sort of amazing, actually. I could take you, if you want.”

  Lulu’s phone flashes with a message from Bea.

  Where the hell are you girl??

  Don’t make me wander through this whole horrible fake castle on a search. Come back!!!!!

  And then: O says he might be leaving soon.

  Lulu knows exactly how the rest of her night will go if she leaves Cass here and walks back downstairs to the living room. Owen will be drunk; probably a little sloppy. Maybe he’ll try to talk to her, or kiss her or something, and she knows perfectly well that she should let him. She should. That would be a big step toward normal: bringing Owen back into her life.

  Lulu knows how to follow the rules, and she knows what happens when she does.

  She feels the first edge of a hangover coming on: the throb of a headache, the curdle of nausea in her gut. It’s silly to think that leaving with Cass will allow her to escape her own body, much less her life.

  But if she leaves, people really will have to wonder about her. They’ll ask questions, and they won’t know where to look for answers.

  “Okay,” she says. “Why not? Let’s go.”

  CHAPTER TWO

  CASS’S CAR IS a few blocks away from Patrick’s house, taking up half of the street behind the bend of a blind turn and sitting directly under a NO PARKING ANYTIME sign. “Whoops,” she says as she unlocks it. The car is a boxy Volvo, not ancient but definitely not new. Cass grabs an armful of stuff off the passenger seat and gestures for Lulu to sit.

  She doesn’t consult her phone’s GPS, which impresses Lulu. “You know your way around this neighborhood?” she asks.

  Cass shrugs. “Reception sucks in the hills,” she says. “And I have a pretty good sense of direction.”

  “Oh,” Lulu says. And then, to have something else to say: “I don’t.”

  “You seemed to know your way around that house pretty well.”

  Lulu steered them do
wn the way she’d come up, taking a back staircase and then a side door, slipping them out the front gate without anyone seeing them go. She messaged Bea: hey feeling weird heading out talk tmrw? Though Cass is right about reception: When she looks down now, she sees that it didn’t send. She hits RETRY.

  “I’ve spent a lot of time exploring at Patrick’s,” Lulu says. “And houses are different, anyway. There are walls.”

  “Yes, there are,” Cass agrees.

  Lulu knows that was dumb, and she moves to explain, to defend herself—there are limits is what she means, there are borders to guide you—but Cass doesn’t seem to be dwelling on it. Instead she keeps driving, fast and certain, taking them up and up and up.

  She says, “We’re not far from where we’re going, by the way. I didn’t just, like, lure you into my car on false pretenses.” She keeps her gaze on the road but raises an eyebrow suggestively. “I’m not that kind of girl.”

  “Me neither,” Lulu says. Which—whatever. Whatever. That isn’t a conversation she needs to have with Cass right now, especially if Cass doesn’t already know.

  “See,” Cass says. “Look, we’re here.”

  Here is a dark gate so tangled in vines that at first Lulu isn’t even sure that there’s anything underneath them. Someone has cut away a patch, though, to allow for the swing of the hinge, and the metal glints faintly in the car’s headlights. Cass leaps out to tap a code into the keypad. The gate swings open at her command.

  Beyond the gate is a long, tree-lined drive. Unkempt branches laced together overhead turn the night’s darkness dense with shadow. It should look menacing, but instead it’s dreamy. Cass gets back in and eases the car forward, her foot light on the gas.

  The gate swings closed behind them.

  “So this is the hotel,” Cass says.

  “The Hotel? Is that, like, its proper name?”

  “For now. Do you want to hear a story?”

  “Sure.” Lulu settles back in her seat and cranes her head up so she can look out the window at the trees. She can’t tell whether the flashes of light she sometimes catches through them are lights that have been woven through the branches, or if she’s high enough up that somehow, she can see the stars.