The Ginger Man

by J. P. Donleavy

  "Lilly, why did you want me to do it this way?"

  "O Mr. Dangerfield, it's so much less of a sin."

  And

  Fun

  Too.

  23

  He was dreaming.

  Choosing the blue socks and then a pair of red ones. They were made of this material nylon. Wear forever. And stand up by themselves and as they say, walk away. I'm in these narrow streets and into one shop and out of another. Here is a woman who is middle aged and plump. Flump, ripe plum. Standing behind the counter telling me she loved foreigners. And I'm filling my bag with millions of socks. And can't get them out of the shop. And they call a waste truck to take them all away. Hear a sound which puts the shudder of fear through me. I think of a rat.

  His back was stiff. He stood up. His eyes tight with sleep. They don't ever let you sleep enough. And my body is so cold.

  Miss Frost turned over. He went to her and kissed her cheek. Her eyes fluttered open.

  "Don't touch me."

  "What?"

  "Don't kiss me."

  "For Christ's sake, what's the matter? Are you drunk? God damn it."

  "O don't carry on. You walk out of here and leave the scourge of the tongue on me."

  "Now, what is it ? Lilly, I say."

  "You're well away."

  "God damn it, what's the matter?"

  "You've no worry. Off on the boat. I can't help it. They know."

  "Who knows?"

  "They'll be talking."

  "If you're eating. Don't worry about the talk."

  "That's easy"

  "Now, now, let me get you a little something. Can I fry you a sausage? It's the meat, me Lill, forget ould talk, and tongues"

  ''Mrs, Dangerfield will have me in the courts"

  "She won't have you anywhere. Do you want a sausage?"

  "She will And they'll fire me"

  "Just a second, Lilly me ould love—"

  "Stop"

  "I'm going to brush me teeth"

  "Jesus, Mary and Joseph"

  "Never mind the Jesus and the Mary and Joseph. Put plea to B.O.P. Blessed Oliver Plunket My patron. Have an in with him"

  "You've had your-way with me. I have to stay behind"

  "Not at all Come to London."

  "That's a wild idea."

  "Have to brush my teeth. Me teeth will be coming out of me—"

  "Don't."

  Sebastian scurried in his ragged underwear to the cold bathroom floor. Put his hand over the melted soap. It squeezed through his fingers.

  "God's teeth."

  Bristle brush best. Nylon wears the white stuff away until there are just stumps. Sebastian turned the tap and put his joined hands under the blisteringly cold water. Put a little touch of Miss Frost's Mum in the pits. With one of these rusty razors I'll cut the hair off my numb jaw. And put my brown corduroy trousers on for the rough traveling that may be in it and the unpredictable fly. For the honey drenched mercy of Jesus, prevent that Never again because I couldn't bear it. What's got into Miss Frost? Me. Yes, of course. She's turning treacherous. No telling. Liable to foul the rudder of the ship. Can't trust her if she's feeling like that. Might spill the beans. Boston baked. Must keep all beans in my own little pot

  Sebastian went back into Miss Frost's bedroom. Went to the dresser and picked up her tiny wrist watch, reading the time. Perhaps it would get three pounds at my broker. Mustn't. Not playing the game. Although it's a little hard to know who's on whose side.

  "Lilly, I'm going to cook some sausages. Would you like some? I'll make a nice pot of tea for the both of us. Now won't that be nice ? Buck you up. Yes ? "

  "I hate to be alive. I hate this country"

  "Don't despair."

  "You don't have to stay here and suffer with them wagging their tongues and they'll hear of it at home."

  Sebastian walked out of the room. He put the black pan over the gas. Caught a corner of grease and melted it off on the edge. Sliding down and vanishing. Passed the knife through the connecting skin and the little sausage fell neatly, hissing in the fat. Don't know what to tell this Lilly. Could tell her that life is a matter of resistance. Been telling too many people that. I have an aesthetic. Tell Miss Frost to get one. Judge these little difficulties with it. My, look at that sausage swell. A spout of richness coming out of there that will drown the whole lot of us, aesthetics and all.

  Sebastian left his pan and went to the bedroom. Miss Frost standing naked in front of the mirror and said O as he entered. Folding her arms over her breasts.

  "Lilly, we know each other better than that0

  "O."

  "Get your toothbrush and I'll take you to London"

  "I couldn't go. Everyone would know."

  Sebastian went back to the kitchen. Shook the pan. Sausage shrinking and splitting, juice pumping out of its side. From now on it'll be eats for one. Must drink more tea for me nerves.

  Miss Frost came into the morning room as he was biting off next to the last length of sausage. She was wearing her black skirt and gray sweater and little red hearts hanging from her ears. Heart of Jesus.

  "Bread, Lilly?"

  "Please."

  "Butter?"

  "Thank you."

  "Tea?"

  "Please."

  "How many sugars, Lilly?"

  "You think it's all cod."

  "Very nearly."

  "You don't know Ireland."

  "I know Ireland, Lilly."

  "O dear me. What am I going to do?.'

  "Out there in the front hall, Lilly, is the most fantastic collection of fan mail in the world. People spend many pounds writing to me. Hiring detectives to trail me round Dublin city and environs. Posting children on corners to watch me. Lilly, you see talk is the least of it."

  "But you won't work. Mrs. Dangerfield told me you were missing all your classes."

  "That isn't the point. Do you know, Lilly, that I arrived in this country with the largest wardrobe ever seen on these shores? Now in the hands of Mr. Gleason, my broker. A fine man but he now has practically every material thing I have ever owned and even a few I didn't. Ownership to me means nothing. All I want now is peace. Just peace. Don't want to be watched and trailed. Don't care what they say. I owe this mess to two things. Firstly my father-in-law. A lovely old gentleman, an admiral in His Majesty's fleet. And I'm a naval man myself. Well, he put me in charge of the most fantastic kind of dreamboat. Two hundred and fifty quids. The quids, Lilly. Quids. Always watch the quids, Lilly. I don't say they mean everything, but watch them. And then the doctors. They got me. One after the other. They come in to you in the white coat with that thing for hearing hearts and they put it right over my wallet. I'll take just another little sup of tea."

  Miss Frost passed the tea. Red rimmed around her eyes. Off to work. How small we make our worlds. Gather them in, tighten them up into little castles of fear. Must get out into the meadows. Miss Frost ought to go to the Gold Coast Get in on this ground nut scheme the good British are doing. Get what she wants for sure on that coast.

  "Write to me Lilly, care of American Express, Haymarket All right?"

  "I don't think we ought to write to one another."

  "Cheer up."

  Miss Frost carefully chewing her sausage. Sebastian reached over and pulled the little flowered blinds apart. There's the garden that's figured so prominently in my dreams. Everything wet. Rickety tool shed. I don't believe I've even had a look in there. Broker would collapse if I arrived with rakes and shovels. Explain I was finding gardening a bore. Out there. To put one's hand to the cold earth on a morning such as this would be a hardship. Too late now for seeds or sowing. Wind bending over the shrubs. Laurels make fine hedges. Across the garden I see the tops of windows and the electric light. How cold. Wonder if anyone ever tried to pawn a plant.

  "Lilly, may I have a cigarette?"

  Lilly took one from her little Woodbine box and handed it across.

  "Now, now Lilly, cheer up."

&n
bsp; Tears moving down her cheeks.

  "O Lilly, don't"

  There was a sob. Sebastian lit his cigarette. Miss Frost shaking, stuttered breath pumping out of her throat She stood up. Sebastian stood up. She twisted away from him.

  "What's the matter, Lilly?"

  Miss Frost ran from the room. Banging of her bedroom door. He waited looking at the mantelpiece. Maps and a wooden statue with a cross on the belly. Going over to the desk he pulled back the top. Hanging off by the hinges. I fouled this and beat it with the poker in rage. Everything screwed The front door slammed shut God save us. Sebastian quickly moved into the hall and to the door. The front gate squealing in the rain. Pulling open the door. Miss Frost was running. Dear Lilly. I'll just get down these steps and watch from the gate. There's something historical about this. A nice leg on Miss Frost What will the neighbors think. Can hear the curtains twitching. Running down the street with the tears pouring out of her head and soft rain touching her hair. There she goes round the corner. She can move all right I'm standing here wearing her blouse.

  Sebastian went slowly back into the silent house. Stopping at the door to look at the letters all over the floor. Pick them up. Twenty-three. Would you believe it Mean, gombeen handwriting. Every one of them rotten. They couldn't help it could they. Not at all. Had to earn a living. Clichés are the only things make sense these days. I don't want to inherit the earth. All I want is my only little barn filled with hay. Perhaps Lilly got upset because I ate the biggest sausage. I can't help myself. Don't mind with tea, can always make more. And it's mostly water so I feel it's cheap. But meat My. Blood brings out me worst About five shillings worth of stamps on these envelopes. Companies come to me. And I'll give you each a seal on the arse. I have always felt even in the throes of indiscretion, folly, lust and lassitude that business was for me and I for it. I've even practised twiddling my thumbs and showing my. teeth in the mirror so's to amuse myself in the office when I was alone. And a few naughty habits I have too. O I'd say I've got me gambits ready. Promote me, please.

  Standing in the hall, letters at his side. Sebastian at rigid attention. He did an about face. And another one. I'm on guard duty. The pictures on the walls were shaking and he marched into the morning room. Went to the desk and tore off the broken top. That'll be the last squeal out of these hinges. Picking up his calling cards. Sebastian Balfe Danger-field. Many is the door these got me through. Perhaps to leave discreetly by the back. And on this long sheet here I have a list Debts. I owe the whole world Even the Eskimos. But And this is the main thing. I've kept the dignity. Dignity in debt. A handbook for those just starting out In debt in death.

  Sebastian got a shopping bag from the garage. He moved around the kitchen filling it Delft. Tell Mr. Gleason this cutlery is heirloomic. And a tea pot and one mixing bowl. Bag breaking down the sides. Greed befouling me. Ought to tell meself the story about the men in the boat in the West who filled it with loot till they all sank. Miserable micks.

  In the bathroom. He wrapped Miss Frost's soap in the oily sort of paper the Americans are great for. Can't beat us when it comes to wrapping something up. Tie this with a nice ribbon. Hanging here are Miss Frost's nylons. Dear me, I am somewhat of a thief. Poor Lilly, but do realize it's the awful plight made me take them. Thirty shillings at a good London broker. Don't want to laden myself too much, might have to move fast. Speed's essential when spotted in the street I'll pay you back with love and interest, Lilly. And now into your bedroom. Somewhat of a mess. If only there were more time. Might make use of these curtains for a coverall. Better look under everything. Lift them up. And this little dresser cover won't come amiss for future scarves.

  Sebastian back into the morning room. Through the letters. One from the landladies.

  Dear Mr. Dangerfield,

  We hope everything is satisfactory, however, we would like to remind you that you are considerably in arrears—

  Fix that with a little note.

  My dear Misses Burton,

  It has become incumbent upon me to make an extended business trip to Tangier. I have taken every precaution in closing the house having had a man from Cavandish's to polish and cover all furniture except the hall stand, and a man from a reputable ironmonger's to check the locks on doors and windows,

  I know that you must feel a little anxious about the garden and I am sure you will be glad to know I have gotten in touch with the Department of Agriculture to take samples of the soil so that I may have it properly prepared for a spring sowing. As soon as I have their report in my hands I shall have steps taken to have the garden brought up to standard.

  I realize you must feel a certain disquiet concerning the rent now outstanding, however, upon my immediate return from Morocco I shall send a draft to you through my bank and bring the rent up to date.

  The weather of late has been rather unfortunate but perhaps it will make the spring an even greater pleasure. Both Mrs, Dangerfield, who is presently holidaying in Scotland, and I extend our very best regards to you both and look forward to having you to tea upon our return.

  Yours sincerely,

  Sebastian Balfe DANGERFIELD,

  He licked the stale glue and sealed the envelope, I'll give satisfaction if only illusory, I think it might be put I've polished. Off the furniture.

  Taking the rest of the letters and knocking a straight edge, Sebastian ripped them down the center and placed them reverently on a crushed newspaper in the fireplace. Matches are one of the things I still have besides my life. Bye bye letters.

  He went for a last time around the house. Into Marion's bedroom. Inspect the curtains, tuck in the corners, shut out all light. There are three library books. Overdue for eternity, Wow, it's lonely here. And this baba's bedroom, Dada, mommie says you are a cad. Easy, child, don't talk to dada like that, Dada's good dada. He big, good man, Mommie says you pawned all the dishes and pram. Nonsense, child, dada big, good man, O it might be worse, Worse than that,

  He closed the doors behind him. Stood in the hall to look at a picture of a man with a beard. A handsome man for sure but must leave it behind. Now I think that's it, just lock this front door.

  Turning from it he heard the front gate swing. He nipped smartly into Miss Frost's room. Through the spy hole wearing a black chesterfield, white starched collar, blue striped shirt and brown tie, Egbert Skully. His hat looks a little wet. Rain dripping fore and aft. A man in black hat and black shoes. Black is for private means and I've got none. All right All hands. Abandon ship.

  From the hole Sebastian watched Skully retreat suspiciously down the steps, look up at the green tiled roof and reclimb the steps silently. Bending over, Mr. Skully brushed his sleeve across the frosted window to look in, but the frost remained. He went down the steps again, pausing to put his face close to his and Marion's room. Thank God the windows are closed. Skully will be making for the back door and a peek in the kitchen. This is dreadful. Skully, despite your predilection for gold I think you must come from the bottom of the lowest bog. If I shoot out the front door he will see me before I get to the bottom of the street. Have the police to me for sure. Must think fast and furious. Get on this mackintosh and a quick scarf for the throat Prepare to be prepared. This is no prepared piano. Remember the letter and must make off with this package at all costs. Eeee, Skully knocking on the morning room window. Must have spotted warm grease on the plates, you scoundrel. Trying to trap me in bed. Great Jesus. Smoke from the burning letters. He's looking up at the roof. Sly gombeen smelted one of his own cheap envelopes burning. One hope left One way out

  Sebastian checked his shoelaces. Made a last inspection of his self-addressed envelope in which were his quids. He waited. More knocks on the morning room window. He waited again. Skully trying the back door. Security measures were paying off. Now was the time. All hands. Lower away.

  Sebastian opened the front door, waited an instant and then with a massive heave slammed it shut The whole house trembled. He stood absolutely still in the hall. He h
eard Skully's running feet coming around the house. They stopped Then the swinging gate squealing. This was it

  Sebastian turned on his heel and into the morning room picking up his bag and closing the curtains. Skully will come back from the bottom of the block and think he's got Sebastian, shrewdest of beasts, Dangerfield, trapped. Not so, Egbert, just not so. Opening the kitchen door quietly, locking it Take it easy heart, save your beating till later and stop jumping round my chest. Moving across the garden and lifting himself up on top of the chicken house. On top, balancing himself, the sound of breaking. The rotting wood gave way beneath his feet. He caught the top of the wall with both hands. Paper bag came apart. God's merciful teeth, me loot lost. Control. Full steam ahead. Over this wall. A loud crash of glass at his feet passed through the top of a cold frame. For Christ's sake, twisted Jesus. Looking at the back of this house for eyes. Whoa, woman looking at me from the window. What to do? Smile, by God, smile at all costs. Come through smiling. She's scared shitless. Just as well she won't be out trying to befoul me little lifeboat or taking brooms or bricks to me. Yell to her.

  "I'm sorry full moon tonight I mean I'm mad, my wife's had an accident"

  He ran between the houses and across the front stingy garden and flowerbed and with a slightly miscalculated leap cleared the iron picket fence. Put the fear of God into me, picket fences and balls don't mix. He landed falling forward on his knees, and set off at a fast run down the street Please Skully don't be waiting behind one of these bushes or walls because my heart won't stand it and the ould lungs are coming up out of me mouth. Pity to lose my well earned plunder. Egbert will never suspect that this is it. He'll wait outside the house for weeks waiting for me to slip the white flag out between the curtains.