The Man I Can't Have

by Williams, Shanora

  I rush to the double doors. “Marcel! Are you kidding? She just peed on my kitchen floor!” I yell.

  Marcel looks up at me, and when he takes in my shocked expression, he breaks out in a smooth laugh. “I think that’s her way of saying she likes it there!”

  I laugh then shut the door. I grab some cleaner wipes and paper towels and use them to wipe it up as she trots into the kitchen again. “You’re going to give me hell, aren’t you?” I ask, dumping the towels in the trash bin, then drumming my fingers on the counter. I need to get her some supplies and a dog bed, at least, but first I have to break the ice with Kyle.

  I rush upstairs and grab my phone. Callie is waiting at the bottom of the staircase, her head tilted, like she’s been waiting for me to come back the entire time. I snap a picture of her and send it straight to Kyle with the message “We have a puppy now!”

  That’ll break the ice for sure.

  I pick Callie up and go to the door, sliding into a pair of flip-flops. I leave the house, but not without locking up, and go to the maps app in my phone to search for the nearest pet store. There are three around.

  I go to the closest one and fill my cart with dog food, a dog bed, chewing toys, puppy pads, and even little treats. By the time I check out, my buggy is full.

  “You’re spoiled already,” I tell Callie on the way to the car. She’s on the seated section of the buggy, loving her surroundings.

  When we make it back home, I’m surprised to see Marcel is still in the backyard. He’s standing close to the door, hands planted on the folded table in front of him as he reads over a blueprint. I watch him while pulling out Callie’s dog bowl and toys.

  Like he feels my gaze, he looks up, but I look away, handing a squeaky ball to Callie. There’s a knock on one of the double doors and I look at it again. Of course, it’s Marcel. I go to open it.

  “Can I come in?” he asks. “Just want to go over the final layout for the wet bar again.”

  “Yeah, come in.”

  He steps inside and looks at Callie, smiling as she does her little growl while biting the ball. It’s too big to fit in her mouth, and she’s clearly upset about that.

  “What’s going on?” I ask.

  “I’m looking over the prints for the bar. Just wanted to know if you wanted shelves built into it or to keep it counter-like?”

  “Will the shelves cost me more?”

  “Shouldn’t, if I include it as a note with the prints.”

  “I’ll take the shelves then.”

  He nods. “All right. Good to know.” He turns for the door, twisting the knob and opening it. Before he walks out, he says, “I’ve had time to think about your email and what you offered. For your sake, I won’t be able to take you up on those tacos.” He runs a hand over the top of his head. “Not only that, but work has me busy. Plus I’m taking your advice. Keepin’ my distance.” He pauses, looking into my eyes. “I’m sure you understand.”

  My heart feels like it’s fallen right into the pit of my stomach. I blink quickly but to act as if I don’t care, I say, “Oh, okay. No worries.”

  He nods once, then shuts the door behind him.

  I slouch down in a chair at the table, dragging my palms over my face. “Fuck my life,” I mutter.

  Well, I guess that’s the end of whatever friendship we had. I have to admit, I’m bummed. But he’s right. Distance is best. After seeing how he acted with beer and weed in his system, there’s no telling how far he’d go if he ends up with tequila in his bloodstream while around me.

  Something tells me my life would become even more of a mess than it already is…and I’m pretty sure I don’t need that right now.

  TWENTY-SIX

  Gabby

  Two weeks and three days later, and the landscaping job is complete.

  I’m upset.

  Don’t get me wrong, my backyard is stunning in every way, and you’d think I’d be a little happier about it being finished, considering I was really looking forward to the outcome.

  The stones are identical to the cobblestone in our driveway, and the hot tub is big enough to fit at least ten people. There’s built-in seating by the fire pit, as requested, and the lush magenta and yellow begonias and dahlias that surround the patio are too beautiful not to stare at through my studio window. I can’t wait to break the patio in and make use of it. Now that it’s done, though, I’ll probably never see Marcel again.

  For the past two weeks, he hasn’t come around much. He visited three times out of the past two weeks, and each time was very brief. No longer than fifteen to twenty minutes each visit, and that was only to check on the yard and to make sure his crew was making progress.

  I spotted him from my studio during those three visits, while Callie would either gnaw on her toys or sleep. Every time he left, he would look up at the arched window of my studio, like he was looking for me, and every time he did, I would back away, getting out of sight.

  Things haven’t been so great at home with Kyle either. He never responded to my text about Callie the day I agreed to take her from Marcel. Instead, he showed up several days later from work and asked me a million questions.

  Where did it come from? Why would you keep it? Are there any shelters you can give it to?

  His questions irritated me. Not only that, but it pissed me off that he kept calling her an it. I didn’t tell him the truth about where I got her. I told him I’d found her without a dog tag and that she was hurt. I refused to mention that she came from Marcel. He really would have hated having her around then.

  She’s going to ruin the furniture, Gabs.

  The house will smell like a dog now.

  You realize she’s going to get bigger, right?

  She better not be sleeping on our bed.

  Despite saying all of that, he’s gotten over trying to get rid of her. I told him I like having her around when he isn’t home—mentioned that she keeps me company during the days he’s away—and ever since I’ve said that, he’s backed off, but he refuses to do anything for her. Won’t feed her, walk her, or play with her. He acts as if she doesn’t even exist. Doesn’t matter. He doesn’t have to. I love taking care of her.

  Now, it’s one week shy of Easter. I got a call from my best friend Teagan yesterday, saying she’d booked a flight to come see me. She claimed she wanted to surprise me, but couldn’t hold it in. Now, I’m waiting for her at the airport, standing on my toes, hunting for any sign of her.

  As soon as I see her coming my way, she opens her arms and I run right into them. We both squeal and jump, and I’m sure to everyone else we look like two absolutely ridiculous grown-ass women, but I don’t care. I’ve missed my friend and the hugs and squealing are much needed.

  “Oh my gosh! Look at you!” I scream. “I missed you so much, T!” I hug her around the neck again as she laughs. When I pull away, I grab her upper arms and squeeze them lightly. “You look so good!”

  “Thank you, honey! I’ve lost some weight since you last saw me!”

  “I see that! You look amazing!” And she really does. Teagan is gorgeous. Her long chocolate hair is in loose curls, parted at the crown of her head and long enough to reach the middle of her back. She’s wearing a white belly shirt with jeans and sandals. Her red lipstick matches the script on her shirt.

  “Where’s that husband of yours?” she asks, dragging her suitcase on the wheels behind her as we exit the airport.

  “He’s home, clearing some of the boxes out of the guest room.”

  “Was he too good to come with you to the airport and get me?” she jokes.

  I laugh. “No, T. I drove my car, and it’s only a two door. You better not start that! You came here to have a good time with me. You and Kyle better not be bickering the whole time.”

  She holds a hand up. “Can’t make any promises there, but I’ll try.”

  I shake my head, fighting a smile as we reach the parking deck. She tosses her bags and suitcase in the trunk and we buckle in and take o
ff. We grab lunch first, then manicures and pedicures next—apparently Teagan really needed one. When we’re all set, we head to my house.

  “Kyle?” I call as we walk through the door leading in from the garage. I hear little paws pitter-pattering on the floor and a jingling noise. Callie runs for the door as I walk in, jumping up and down, begging me to pick her up. “Hey, girl!” I pick her up in my arms and Teagan walks around me.

  “Aww! You have a puppy now?” Teagan exclaims, closing the door behind her.

  “Yeah, her name is Callie.”

  “Hi Callie!” she sings, and Callie gets even more excited to meet her friendly stranger. “Look at you! You’re adorable!” Teagan rubs Callie’s head and lightly scratches beneath her chin. She then looks at me as I place Callie down. “Kyle approves?”

  I shrug and roll my eyes at the same time. “He’s dealt with it.”

  Footsteps drift down the stairs and I see Kyle before he makes it down to the main floor. “We have a guest, I see!” Kyle exclaims, being way too sarcastic about it.

  “Don’t act like you didn’t know I was coming.” Teagan props a hand on her waist.

  “It was pretty last minute, but at least we have the space to accommodate.” All right. He’s being a smart ass and judging by Teagan’s oh-hell-to-the-no expression, I intervene.

  I meet up to him. “Babe, she has a few bags in the trunk. Can you grab them?”

  He looks sideways at Teagan before focusing on me. “For you? Anything.” He plants a kiss on my cheek, and I force a smile as he walks around me, going out the door in his house slippers.

  Teagan scoffs. “You would think he’d be less of an asshole after not seeing me for a few months.”

  I ignore her comment. I really don’t want her upset already. She just got here. “Let me show you the room you’ll be staying in. I fixed the bed up just for you.”

  She follows me up the stairs and I go to the room across from my studio, pushing the door open with the tips of my fingers.

  We had several boxes in this room but ended up putting them in our office in the meantime. A full-sized bed is in place, swathed with a navy-blue comforter along with pillows in white and navy-blue pillow cases. Teagan sighs and goes straight for the bed, laying down on it.

  “Ahh, laying down feels so good,” she sighs.

  “There’s a TV with cable, so you can watch whatever you want. The bathroom is down the hallway—it’s all yours.”

  “Thanks, G.” She sits up, and I take the spot beside her. I can feel her watching me. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, everything is fine.”

  “You look…down,” she murmurs. “On the ride here, I was talking, and it seemed like your mind was somewhere else.”

  “Really?” I press my lips. “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about the class I’ll teach next for my sculpture course. And whether or not to keep Callie.” Just as I say that, Callie comes running into the room. She’s finally mastered the stairs, even though they take her a while to climb. She sniffs around the room, seeing as she’s never been in it before. I swear if she pees here too, Kyle will really end up making me get rid of her.

  “So, he doesn’t approve then.” I look over and Teagan’s lips are pursed.

  I meet her eyes briefly before looking away. “I told him she keeps me company when he’s working so many days away. When I said that, he didn’t push on getting rid of her anymore, but I know he doesn’t want her here.”

  “Is that what’s bothering you so much?”

  I laugh, but it’s dry. In all honesty, Callie is the least of my worries. “Nothing is bothering me. This is just a minor blip. He’ll grow to like her. She’s a sweet girl.”

  “She really is.” We watch Callie walk to the nightstand. She sniffs and then starts to squat.

  “Callie! No!”

  She tries to give me puppy-dog eyes, but I get off the bed and pick her up. “You pee outside or on your pads. You know that, right?” I walk to the door but not without looking back at Teagan. “The patio is amazing, T. Come check it out!” She hops up and follows me back down the stairs, just as Kyle is going up with her bags.

  “Thank you, good man,” Teagan says in her formal, British-man voice. She always does it to Kyle. He can’t stand it. I can only see the back of his head at this point but I’m sure he’s just rolled his eyes. He hates being mocked.

  I place Callie down when we’re outside and Teagan takes in a breath. “Oh my goodness. This is stunning!” Teagan walks past me, looking at the entire patio, zoning in on the hot tub. “You didn’t tell me about the hot tub!” she shrieks.

  “I wanted to surprise you! We haven’t used it yet. Maybe you and I can tonight?”

  “Hell yeah!” She turns toward the gate that leads out to the beach. “And look at that view! Girl, no wonder you love this house so much!” I look with her. The ocean water is rushing up to shore. From here, you can hear the waves crashing.

  “Gorgeous, right?” Kyle asks behind us. We both look over our shoulders at him. He stands next to me, wrapping an arm around my waist and reeling me closer to him.

  “You finally did something right,” Teagan teases.

  Kyle doesn’t find it humorous, I’m sure, but a small smile traces his lips. “What would you like for dinner, Teagan?” he asks. “Neither one of us could figure out what to order or make.”

  “Whatever you guys want is fine with me.”

  “I was thinking since it’s your first night here, we could try this restaurant in town,” Kyle suggests, looking between us. “They serve great Mexican food with big bowl-like margaritas. Everyone I’ve talked to in the neighborhood has suggested it.”

  “Margarita is my middle name. I’m cool with that, but since you have all the moohlah, you’re paying, right?”

  “Of course, Teagan,” he chuckles. “It’s my treat.”

  “Mexican food sounds good, babe.” I pat his back.

  Kyle nods, pulling away from me. “Good. I’ll call, make a reservation.”

  I smile up at him, watching him leave. When he shuts the door behind him, I walk to the built-in seating area to sit. Teagan walks over too, sitting with me. “It’s lovely here, but I can see how it could get lonely.”

  “It does sometimes. Still getting used to it.”

  She’s quiet for a long time. “G, are you guys okay?”

  “Yeah.” I wave a dismissive hand. “We’re fine.”

  “I bet he hates that I’m here,” she snickers. “He’ll have to deal with me laughing at him or cracking a joke on him every second. He’s way too serious.”

  I laugh. “You purposely try to get under his skin, and he knows it.”

  “Yeah, I do.” She huffs and shrugs

  “So, anyway! Who is Miss Teagan talking to lately? Any new guys?”

  “Actually…there is one,” she confides, and her smile gets so big. I’m glad I could change the subject. If there is one thing Teagan loves most, it’s talking about herself. Not in a self-centered way, but she doesn’t talk much about herself to anyone but me, so when she gets the chance, she tells me everything.

  “Holy shit, T! This is the biggest you’ve smiled over a guy!”

  “Well, he’s worth it, okay? So, I met him at work. I was doing a late shift in the emergency room, and he came in with a sprained thumb. He was worried, thought it was broken. I checked him out, ran his vitals, all that good stuff. The doctor told him he’d be fine and gave him a brace, but before he left, he asked to speak to me. He said he just wanted me to know that I was the prettiest girl he’d ever laid eyes on and was glad I was assigned as his nurse.”

  “Aww!” I clasp my hands together. “That is the sappiest, sweetest thing ever!”

  “Yeah, it was! And totally random. I was having a bad night that night too. He asked for my number, I gave it to him, and he said he’d text me. It took him three days to text me. I told him I hated waiting and got nervous. He apologized and asked me out for lunch. Since then w
e’ve been kind of kickin’ it. He doesn’t take things too seriously and neither do I. We talk every day, but don’t really get to see each other all that often because of our schedules, which is fine for both of us. We fit.”

  “What does he do?”

  “He’s a part-time personal trainer and a part-time private tutor for college students.”

  “That’s amazing, T! I bet his body is hot!”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “You guess?”

  “Yeah, I don’t want to get too attached. When things go wrong, it hurts, you know?”

  “Oh, yeah.” I blow a breath. “Trust me, I know. But don’t think about it that way. Just live in the moment. It can’t hurt to live, right?”

  She nods in agreement. She starts talking about more things about her new guy, whose name is Josh. I’m glad she talks about him, because I don’t want her prying for more about me.

  If she keeps asking what’s going on with me, eventually I’ll crack. I tell her everything, even the bad shit. But when it comes to how I’m feeling right now, I’m ashamed to admit it to anyone, even my best friend.

  * * *

  Easter is coming in a week, and I need something to wear for the dinner my parents are having. Teagan has been a great distraction for the past two days. Kyle went back to work yesterday, much to Teagan’s relief, so we’ve been hanging out at the beach while catching up, watching movies, and going out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Teagan used to be the outgoing one, but to my surprise she hasn’t mentioned going to a club or lounge once, and I’m so glad. My last club night didn’t turn out so great.

  Just thinking about it—how it all led to being alone with Marcel—gets to me. For some reason, I’ve been thinking about him more often, and I don’t understand why. What’s worse is I’m thinking about him more than my own husband. It’s not right, and I need to stop it, but I can’t help wondering what he’s been up to. I’m sure he’s working, but I wonder if he’s found another resident to talk to who is friendlier than I am. God, I hope not. I don’t want to be a replaceable client.