Tempted by Love: Jack Jock Steele (The Steeles at Silver Island Book 1)

by Melissa Foster

  “But still. It had to hurt to hear that.”

  “It did, but like I said, we weren’t in love, so it was a different kind of hurt. I don’t know how to explain it. I loved her deeply as a friend, and as the mother of my child, but I wasn’t in love with her. That’s why when you told me about Tim turning his back on you and Hadley, I couldn’t even…” He shook his head, anger bubbling up inside him again. “It’s unfathomable to me. When Kayla was pregnant, as her belly grew, I thought she was more beautiful than ever. I would run out at midnight to get things she craved. I rubbed her back, her feet. I would have done anything for her. Anyway, by then she was thirty-four weeks pregnant, and we agreed to go home that weekend so she could tell Archer, and once we knew where he stood, we were going to let our families know the situation.”

  “You were willing to give up your baby for your brother?”

  “No,” he said emphatically. “I would still be in the baby’s life, but I wouldn’t stand in their way if they were in love.”

  “Mama!” Hadley toddled over with a bucket and crouched in front of them. “Shells for my Dock.”

  She stuck her hand in the bucket and thrust her fist toward Jock. He held out his hand, and she opened hers. Three tiny shells fell onto his palm.

  His chest tightened. “Thank you, Hadley.”

  “Mommy shells.” She grabbed another handful from the bucket and gave them to Daphne.

  “Thank you, baby. Are you getting tired?”

  Hadley shook her head vehemently. “I’m playing!” She ran back to her toys.

  “That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Daphne said.

  “Daph, it’s not…Let me finish.” He curled his fingers around the shells, the jagged edges digging into his palm. “Kayla never got a chance to find out how Archer felt, and neither did I. Since I’d had a few drinks, she drove home from the restaurant. It was raining and cold, and she was so happy about our decision, she was talking a mile a minute over the sound of the heater. We went through an intersection and she glanced at me with this big smile. I registered the headlights glowing over her shoulder from a truck that had run a red light a split second before impact.” Tears welled in his eyes, but he forced the words to come. “When I came to, there was so much blood. There were lights, sirens. I reached for her hand. It’s all pretty fuzzy. I was going in and out of consciousness, and she kept saying, ‘Tell him I love him.’ The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. They told me Kayla was gone and our son wasn’t going to make it.” He gulped a lungful of air, looking away from Daphne as the rest spilled out. “I held our son, Liam. Kayla had picked out his name. He was so tiny, his cries were so weak. Other babies’ stronger cries echoed in my head, and I remember trying to block them out, thinking our baby was crying for Kayla, and I couldn’t…I couldn’t…And then he stopped breathing. He was gone.”

  He swiped at his tears, and he realized Daphne was crying, too, which broke his heart all over again. “I’m sorry,” he said, drawing her into his arms. She held him as tightly as he held her. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He couldn’t stop saying it. He’d kept it all in for so many years, he didn’t know who he was apologizing to—Daphne, Kayla, Liam, Archer…everyone.

  “Dock cwying?”

  Jock felt Hadley’s hand on his arm, and he released Daphne, wiping his eyes.

  Hadley stepped closer and sat on her heels, her big blue eyes moving between Daphne and Jock. “Mommy cwying?”

  “Mommy’s okay, honey,” she said.

  “No cwy, Dock.” Hadley leaned forward and pressed her tiny lips to Jock’s cheek in the sweetest kiss he’d ever received, drawing more tears from Daphne’s eyes and filling him with…he had no idea what. It felt good and sad at once.

  He choked out, “’Kay,” and cleared his throat.

  Hadley crawled into Daphne’s lap, resting her head against her chest. Daphne rocked her and said, “I’m sorry, Jock. I don’t even know what to say.”

  They sat in silence for a while, the bay breeze sweeping over them. When Hadley’s eyes fluttered closed, Jock slipped the shells she had given him in his pocket and draped the blanket around her.

  “Thank you,” Daphne said softly. “I’m so sorry for everything that you’ve gone through.”

  “Thanks. I haven’t told anyone about holding Liam except Harvey, my parents, and Kayla’s parents. But I wanted you to know.”

  “I appreciate you trusting me enough to share that.” She kissed Hadley’s head and said, “I can’t even imagine how you got through it.”

  “If not for Harvey, I’m not sure I would have. After Liam died, I was in a fog. Most of that night has blurred together. Our families came to the hospital, and everyone was a mess. When Archer heard about Kayla, he came at me fists flying. My father stepped between us, and Archer nearly broke his jaw. I was sitting in the hospital bed, and if my father hadn’t stepped in, I would have gladly let Archer kill me, because I should have been driving that night. It should have been me who died, not them.”

  Tears welled in Daphne’s eyes again. “I understand why you’re saying that, but please don’t. It’s too hard to hear.”

  “I’m sorry, but it’s true. I know I can’t change what happened no matter how much I wish I could. And trust me, I would give anything to take it all back. If we had just stayed ten minutes longer at the restaurant, or if we had left with our friends and talked after we got home. I know those thoughts won’t bring them back, and I want to move forward. But there’s more that you need to know. That night in the hospital Archer told me that as far as he was concerned, I was dead to him, and then he took off.”

  “Oh my God.” Tears slid down her cheeks.

  “I don’t blame him. She was his best friend, and she was gone because of me.”

  “So he was in love with her?”

  “I don’t know. We’ve never talked about it. He took off, and I had broken ribs and a concussion and had to stay in the hospital. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe Kayla and Liam were gone, and then Archer…Later that night, after my family left, nothing felt real. I couldn’t close my eyes without being barraged with flashbacks. I was so numb, I didn’t even feel my injuries. So I went to the nursery. Liam had died in the PICU, but I wasn’t thinking straight, or maybe I just needed to see for myself that he wasn’t in the nursery like all the other babies. I don’t know how long I was there, maybe a couple of hours, but that’s where I met Harvey. He was recovering from a lung infection—he’d been in New York visiting friends when he’d come down with it. He was in a wheelchair, and a private nurse was with him. He introduced himself and tried to strike up a conversation. I don’t know why he bothered with me, but every time I walked away, they followed. I couldn’t get rid of him. I don’t know if he could tell I’d lost Kayla and Liam—”

  “And Archer,” Daphne said softly.

  Jock nodded, the ghosts of his past perched on his shoulders like birds of prey, talons digging into him. “Harvey told me about his wife, Adele, who had lost both of her legs in an accident on their seventh date. She’d wanted to give up, and he said she tried to push him away, doing and saying all sorts of things, but he was in love with her, and he refused to let her give up.” Jock met Daphne’s empathetic gaze and said, “That’s what love is, Daph. It’s not a choice, or something you can control. It’s its own entity, an unstoppable driving force. Harvey stuck with Adele through her recovery and therapy, using laughter to break down her walls, and then they got married. But he lost her to cancer just eight years later.”

  “That’s so sad.”

  “I know. Their love story is a tragic one. I met Harvey decades after he’d lost Adele, and his love for her permeated everything he said and did until the day he died. That kind of love? That’s what marriage vows are for. The night I met him, I didn’t want to hear about what he’d lost, but like I said, when I walked away, he followed me. I didn’t know this then, but he didn’t make me listen to the worst of it. He talked all night, a
nd I can’t even tell you what he said. But I felt safe around him. I felt understood. I woke up in the chair in his hospital room. I can’t explain any of it—our connection, the way I felt around him, how I knew I belonged in his house. But that morning he said I seemed to want to fall into a well and never climb out. I told him I did, and he said he had a well and I was welcome to it.”

  “That’s kind of sweet and awful.”

  Jock laughed softly. “It was, but the old bastard knew what to say. I went home to the island, and we had the funerals. The whole town was mourning Kayla and Liam. The rest of my family tried to get me to stay on the island, but that was Archer’s home. He’d never wanted to do anything but work with my father on our family’s vineyard and in the winery. He never went away to school. He stayed and built his life there. When I’d left for college, I had no plans of ever going back for good. And then, at the funerals, I was so consumed with guilt and sadness, all I wanted to do was find that well Harvey had talked about and dive in headfirst. So I canceled the book tour, signings, everything. I broke my lease and went to see Harvey. Not long after that, Kayla’s family moved away from the island, too.”

  “Probably because of all those memories. It must have been awful for them. What happened with Harvey? He just took you in?”

  “Yes. But don’t be fooled by the way he did it. He was a shrewd businessman. I found out later that he knew everything about me when I showed up that day. He’d done his due diligence, but he stayed true to his word. He took me in and let me drown in my grief. But not for long. Within a couple of weeks, he was asking me to help him with things. At first it was his business, then driving him places, helping with household issues. Then he fired his nurse and nudged me into taking care of him. I later found out that he’d fired every caretaker who had worked for him within a few months of hiring them. He said they treated him like a dying old man, and he had a lot of life left to live. I kept waiting for him to send me packing because we bickered a lot, but I think he saw himself in me, and he liked our bickering. That bickering fueled a fire in me, made me fight back. I didn’t realize it until months later, but he’d known exactly what he was doing and how to get to me. He kept pushing me to do more. He forced me to dress up every day in slacks and a button-down shirt, to handle more important business transactions, manage the household, his staff, and of course take him to meetings and accompany him to every children’s show.”

  “Were the children’s shows difficult for you?”

  “Everything that first year was difficult, but I know what you’re asking. I was there for Harvey, not for the kids. None of the children were looking up to me, hanging on me, or anything like that. I had built pretty substantial walls around myself. I don’t think I was very approachable until years later. And even then, the kids weren’t ever looking to me for anything, so I wasn’t affected by them.”

  He gazed out at the water and said, “Harvey brought me back to life and into a world that was different from anything I had ever imagined for myself. I grew to love him like I love my own father. I brought a nurse in to help me learn everything I could about the realities of living with a man in his condition and the care he’d need. He gave me purpose, a reason to get up every day and move forward. I don’t know how he knew that I needed him, but I’m grateful every day of my life, and I never saw him coming.” He met Daphne’s warm gaze and said, “The same way I never saw you coming.”

  She looked away a little nervously and pressed a kiss to Hadley’s head.

  “From the moment Harvey stopped letting me drown in grief, everything I did was for him. I thought after all these years, I had healed and moved on. But it turned out that my life had been so consumed by caring for him, there wasn’t space in my head for anything else. Because of what had happened with Archer, I used my relationship with Harvey as an excuse not to go home for more than a few hours a couple of times a year. Now the ghosts of my past are rattling the chains on the dungeon where I buried them. They want to come roaring out every time Hadley wants me to hold her. I hate my reaction when she looks up at me with her big blue eyes, and I don’t like being scared to hold Rick’s baby, afraid I’ll have a bad reaction to him, either. It’s like I’m a prisoner in my own head. And man, I hated keeping my distance from my niece until she was old enough that she no longer triggered those memories.”

  “When did that stop with her?”

  “A few years ago. She’s almost eight, so maybe when she was four? I’m not sure. But Daphne, you need to understand that I’m not triggered by just being around children. What triggers me is when Hadley, or any other little kid, looks to me for care. When she clings to me and wants me to pick her up. I couldn’t save Liam, and I know that Hadley isn’t Liam and that Rick’s baby isn’t Liam, but at those times, it all comes rushing back, and I remember my son lying helpless in my arms, the sound of his weak cries, and then…nothing.”

  “I understand completely, and I’m so sorry.”

  “I want to get past that, Daph. I don’t want to freeze up when Hadley hangs on to me and looks at me like…”

  “Like she adores you?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I guess. I’m sorry I’m so broken.”

  “You suffered a devastating loss. After what you’ve been through, I don’t think you’re broken. Everyone has emotional battles. When I got divorced, I couldn’t think about my ex without bawling for a long time. And it felt like forever before I could see any man and think in good terms instead of bad. Rick and the guys helped with that. They’re so good with their significant others, and with me, really. They restored my faith in the male species.” She smiled and said, “I think broken is the wrong word for you, Jock. Maybe wounded is better. You just have a different emotional battle than some of us do.”

  “That’s a very kind way to put it.” The knots in his chest began unfurling. “Right before Harvey died, I thanked him for saving me, and he told me that I had saved him. He had emphysema, and he said he knew when we met that he was facing life in a wheelchair and had wanted to crawl into that well he’d told me about and never come out. But then he met me, and he saw that I needed it more than he did. He told me that after he was gone, he wanted me to get the hell away from that place and live my life.” He looked at Daphne holding her sleeping daughter and said, “I want to get past this, Daphne. I want a full life, free from triggers. I want to be that guy I used to be, only smarter. You need to know that I never have more than one drink when I go out, and I’ll never put anyone in that position again.”

  “I’ve noticed that you don’t drink much when we’re out with everyone.”

  “Having Kayla drive was the biggest mistake of my life. I can’t fix that, but I do want to make things right with Archer and spend time with you and Hadley to see if we’re as special together as it feels like we are. But I’m not sure how to do it, or if it’s even fair to you and Hadley after what you’ve been through with your ex. I would totally understand if my past scares you, or if it’s just too much for either of you to deal with, because the truth is, I have every intention of doing what I can to fix it, but I’m not even sure where to start.”

  AFTER EVERYTHING JOCK had said, after shedding tears and baring his soul, he was comparing himself to her ex? Daphne couldn’t believe it. She thought he’d walk away when she’d said she couldn’t be with him, and instead he was fighting for a chance to be with them. Her heart broke for all that he’d lost, and her faith in him grew for his openness and honesty.

  “You’re nothing like Tim. You and I have known each other a year, but we’ve only just started getting close, and you told me things you said you haven’t shared with anyone but family. That’s totally different from him.”

  “Good.” He sighed with relief.

  “And you’ve already started making changes. Look how you handled Hadley tonight.”

  “I knew I had to do something, or I’d never get this chance to tell you what I’ve been through. Just knowing you’re aware of my triggers t
akes the edge off. I feel a hundred pounds lighter, and that gives me hope that I can change my reactions to her. It felt good to see her smile instead of making her cry, and that’s what I want, Daph. To see both of you smile. I don’t want to freeze every time she hangs on me. You make me feel things I never have. I see you and my pulse kicks up. You smile, and it lights up everything around you, including me. I have pined for you for a long time.”

  “Pined for me? No one has ever pined for me.”

  “I don’t believe that for a minute.” He shook his head. “You’re the clue misser, remember? And that makes me the luckiest of them all, and I want to explore what we are with you. But what I want is the least of my worries. What do you want? If you’re not comfortable trying to work through this with me, or if you don’t trust me on any level, then, as I said, I’ll take off.”

  “If I didn’t trust you, I wouldn’t be here right now.” He’d revealed so much, she wanted him to know how she felt, too. She mustered her courage and said, “My daughter has a thing for you, and I think you know she’s not the only one. I’d like to try to help you through this and see what this is between us, but I have to be careful. I don’t want Hadley to get hurt.”

  “Neither do I.”

  “I’ve obviously never gone through anything like the death of a child, or your losing Kayla and your relationship with Archer. But when Tim and I separated, I had to figure out who I was as a new single mother. And I know it’s not at all the same, but I lost a husband who I trusted to be there through thick and thin. I grieved the loss of my marriage and the loss of who I was and what I believed in, and I grieved for Hadley not knowing her father. I’ll probably always have moments when I get angry about how easily he walked away from us. And I’d think that you’ll probably always have moments where you think of Liam and Kayla, too. That’s just how life is. I’m not an expert on grief, but for me, when I got divorced and moved back home, when I was trying to find my way as a single mom, even with my family’s help, and I was grieving everything at once, I felt like I was adrift at sea. I could go weeks drifting along, making it from one day to the next, and then someone would say something, or I’d see a young family or a couple that reminded me of me and Tim, or I’d look at Hadley, and sadness or anger would suddenly crash over me like a tidal wave. I think that’s the nature of grief. It sneaks up on you and drags you under, and sometimes you have to fight with everything you have to come back up to the surface. Or in my case, you have to cry your eyes out late at night when nobody will know.”