Behind Brown Eyes

by Nicole Highland

  Reluctantly, I pulled my lips from hers and gently kissed her forehead.

  “We’d better get going, then.”

  CHAPTER 3

  _______

  “You seem a little tense.”

  I looked over at Natalie, noticing she was studying every part of my facial expression. I wasn’t exactly a fan of pain; then again, who really is?

  She was right; I’d been wanting to get a tattoo for a while, and since she’d gone to so much trouble to draw up the design, there wasn’t any way I could back out now. At least, not without hurting her feelings. She was already in a fragile emotional state, and I didn’t want to make things worse.

  “Devin, come on back.”

  The voice came from a tall, thin girl in her twenties standing by the check-in desk. Her sleek, black hair had been pulled back into a bun, leaving her neck completely exposed. Every inch of her fair skin had been covered in ink.

  On her, it looked nice. For a brief moment, I imagined what Natalie would look like with more ink. I shuddered. That wouldn’t look good on her, I thought.

  Natalie did have a flower tattoo on the top of her foot; it was delicate and feminine, and very fitting for her.

  “Devin?”

  Her voice beckoned me once more. It occurred to me that I was staring at her like an idiot.

  “Well, let’s go,” Natalie said touched my arm.

  The woman reached out her hand to me as I approached.

  “I’m Alex. I take it this is your first time getting one?”

  “How did you guess?” I laughed.

  “You don’t hide your poker face well. No worries, I’ll try to make this experience not completely suck for you.”

  All three of us laughed. Natalie stayed close behind as we walked down the hall to one of the private rooms.

  “Go ahead and have a seat. I have to get a couple of things ready first.”

  A few minutes later, she returned.

  “Jess told me you have a drawing you’d like me to use.”

  Jess, as we found out earlier, was the receptionist.

  “Yeah. My girlfriend drew it up for me.”

  I pulled the folded-up drawing from my the front pocket of my jeans and handed it to her.

  “Wow. That’s amazing,” Alex said as she studied Natalie’s drawing.

  “Thanks,” Natalie said sheepishly.

  “Have you ever thought about being a tattoo artist?”

  “No. I love art, but I’m more of a writer than anything.”

  Natalie and Alex spent the rest of the time chitchatting about anything and everything creative. Which was almost distracting enough to make me forget about the pain. Almost.

  It was close to ten o’clock before Alex was finished with the design.

  “Looks pretty sweet to me,” Alex said with a satisfied grin.

  “You did a great job, Alex,” Natalie said.

  “Thanks, but you did quite a bit of that work yourself. Think about what I said, though. I mean it. I really think you’d be great at this.”

  Natalie simply smiled in response. I knew she had no interest in taking her up on her suggestion.

  Alex held the mirror up so I can get a better look at my chest.

  “Thank you. It didn’t hurt as much as I expected it would.”

  “Well, I figured I needed to go somewhat easy on you, first-timer,” she teased.

  As we drove back to my house, I felt rather pleased with myself for going through with it, and I knew Natalie felt the same.

  She would forever be a part of me in more ways than one.

  CHAPTER 4

  _______

  The days leading up to my departure were a blur. I kept telling myself that this didn’t have to be the end, which I endlessly repeated to Natalie as well.

  But truth be told, neither of us ever believed it. They were just empty words, and empty promises we knew we wouldn’t be able to keep.

  I was dragging the last of the boxes out to the trailer when my phone rang.

  “Hey, you haven’t left, have you? I’m so sorry! I know I’m running super late, and—”

  I struggled to clear the lump that had already formed in my throat. This was it. Time was almost up.

  “It’ll be ok. We haven’t left yet.”

  “Ok, good. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  Leaning against my aunt’s SUV, I closed my eyes, trying to think of anything to get my mind off of my anxiety.

  This could very well be the last time you’ll see her, I thought.

  I let out a sharp breath as I pinched the bridge of my nose. Deep breath in, deep breath out, I thought. I knew I needed to get my emotions under control. I couldn’t fall apart in front of her. It was the last thing she needed.

  Minutes later, I heard the crackling sounds of gravel as Natalie pulled into the driveway. My mind worked in slow motion as I tried to cherish every final minute we had left together.

  Natalie ran to me, and I caught her in my arms. My shirt became damp as her tears soaked into my shirt, and for a moment, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to hold her up. Her sorrow was palpable.

  “Don’t forget to text me when you get there,” she said, her voice trembling.

  “I won’t forget.”

  I longed to never have to let her go. But I knew that was a fantasy neither of us could attain in reality.

  “Hi, honey.”

  The sound of my aunt’s voice interrupted our embrace. Natalie looked up at her with tearful eyes and pulled herself from my arms. Christine held out her arms to Natalie, and like a moth to a flame, Natalie sought refuge in them.

  “You’re a sweet girl. I know we will both miss you like crazy,” she said as she held Natalie tightly.

  “I will miss you, too.”

  I stood there, frozen, not wanting to interrupt. It hurt so much to see the raw emotion. I tried to look away, but no matter what I looked at, all I felt was pain.

  Slowly, they pulled away from each other.

  “Honey, do we have anything left in the house? Can you do another check one last time?”

  “Sure,” I said flatly.

  I hated to leave Natalie alone. But leaving her alone for a minute was a hell of a lot easier than leaving her for an indefinite period of time.

  Walking into the house never felt as somber as it did then. For the better part of my life, this had been my childhood home. In fact, I could hardly remember my original home at all.

  At the age of five, Christine gained full custody over me, and her home became mine as well.

  As I got older, and as my aunt filled me in on some of the details of my childhood, I was increasingly grateful to have Christine as an aunt. She made a far better mother than my biological mother could ever have been.

  My aunt and my mother were vastly different. They were worlds apart and had very little in common. My aunt was warm, kind, and welcoming. She would help anyone in need, even if it were to her own detriment.

  My mother, on the other hand, was the only woman on the planet I’d ever held disdain for. She’d battled depression even at a young age. She refused to seek help, and ultimately her depression led her to find a vice to ease her pain. Her vice of choice? Alcohol.

  But sometimes, even that wasn’t enough to soothe her misery. And those were the moments when the violence started. She was an abusive alcoholic, and a damaged, broken soul.

  I’d dealt with her wrath on several occasions, but thankfully, my time with her was brief. My aunt was truly the guardian angel who saved me during my time of need.

  And my father? Well, I never met him. Truthfully, it was probably better that way.

  As I looked around the empty living room, I thought of all the memories I would’ve shared with my parents, had I had a normal life. But there was no sense in looking in the rearview mirror now and wondering what could’ve been. I had a lot to be grateful for. And, at the end of the day, my life could’ve been much worse than what it was.

  I to
ld myself I needed to focus on the positive from that point forward. But that was much easier said than done.

  “Everything ok?”

  My aunt stood beside me, listlessly looking around the room.

  “Yeah, it’s fine.”

  I lied. I didn’t feel fine. What I felt was an aching in my chest that seemed to grow stronger by the minute.

  “Well, I think we have everything, so I guess we should hit the road now,” she said.

  I stared blankly at the fireplace, recalling a memory I shouldn’t have been thinking about in that moment.

  My mind flashed to one particular evening in early February. Natalie had come over to visit, but as the evening wore on, she ended up getting snowed in. My aunt insisted she stay the night and not brave the weather, but only one condition: she had to sleep on the couch downstairs. After she went to bed, I snuck downstairs to see Natalie.

  I remembered the glow of the fireplace dancing on Natalie’s face, and the intense heat from the fire roaring beside us as we made love.

  It was a fond memory. And on any other day, I wouldn’t have minded thinking about it.

  But the day I left wasn’t any other day. It was the day. The day I had to leave her behind. The day I had to put our memories in a box in my mind and hide them away under lock and key. The only place I could visit her would be in my mind from that point forward.

  And that wouldn’t do me any good. The memories would always pale in comparison to reality.

  With each step I took as I reached the front door, my feet felt heavier. Natalie was mindlessly flipping through her phone as I approached her.

  Worry settled into my stomach. Could she be talking to someone else? Surely isn’t doing that already, I thought. It was an irrational thought. I knew Natalie would never do that. But I also knew it wouldn’t be fair to ask her to wait for me since I didn’t know when I’d be able to return.

  Natalie tucked her phone back into her purse before dropping the bag to the ground. I reached out to pull her into my arms for what I knew would be the final time.

  “Don’t forget to text me when you get there,” she said.

  “I won’t forget. Besides, you’ve reminded me about ten times today, already.”

  “I know. I just don’t want to forget.”

  “I could never forget you, Natalie. Not in a million years.”

  CHAPTER 5

  _______

  We refer to emotional pain as heartache. Which, is funny when you think about it, considering the physical heart isn’t what interprets the pain. But with every mile that passed, and as the distance between us grew greater, my chest felt heavier and heavier.

  I knew one thing for sure: I really wouldn’t ever forget her. I wouldn’t forget the way I felt when we were together. I wouldn’t forget how I felt when I held her in my arms.

  And I would never forget how painful it was to say goodbye.

  For the most part, the thirteen-hour drive was quiet; much too quiet for my liking. My aunt seemed apprehensive to say anything. Most likely, she feared upsetting me more than I already was, I decided.

  I spent most of the trip staring blankly out the window, watching endless farms fly by in a blur. Field after field and mile after mile, the distance grew greater between Natalie and I.

  The Midwest had no shortage of quaint farmhouses and bucolic scenery. I daydreamed about what it would’ve been like for us had things gone differently. Perhaps we would’ve had our own farmhouse; a quiet little piece of heaven to call our own, and raise a family in.

  But, I was only kidding myself. There was no possibility of that anymore, no matter how much I wished it to be true.

  I needed to come up with a game plan. I needed to figure out how I could get back home.

  My reverie was interrupted when Christine spotted a small, run-down diner just off the state highway.

  “This looks like a nice little place. Let’s stop here.”

  Nice? Not exactly, I thought.

  My aunt liked to see the best of situations. Generally, I was the opposite.

  We sat down in a small booth by the door. For a fleeting moment, I wondered what would happen if I got up and left and headed back home. But I couldn’t do that to her. She didn’t deserve that. And what the hell would I do when I got there? The house was sold. I cleared the thought from my head.

  A petite brunette appeared at the table, her voice bubbly and enthusiastic. She was wonderfully cheerful, but I wasn’t in the mood for it. She introduced herself as Isabelle.

  “Good afternoon, ya’ll. Can I get ya started with some drinks?”

  “I will take a sweet tea with no lemon, please,” my aunt said.

  “And for you, dear?” Isabelle asked.

  It didn’t register that she was talking to me. I was preoccupied with staring at an old photograph on the wall; a photograph of a beautiful blonde woman with short, bouncy curls like Natalie’s.

  “Darlin’ are you wantin’ somethin’ to drink?”

  “Devin,” my aunt chided.

  “Sorry. I’ll just take a water.”

  She grinned from ear to ear at me, giving a quick wink that made me feel slightly ill. I was in no mood for that.

  “Boy, she sure was smitten with you, Devin.”

  “I know,” I said gruffly.

  “Honey, you’re going to be fine. I know you don’t realize it now, but you’re going to be. I promise.”

  “Yeah, I wish I could believe you when you say that,” I murmured, as I glanced over the menu.

  “You will be.”

  “Can we find something else to talk about? I really don’t want to talk about anything to do with relationships right now.”

  “Alright. Well, what do you want to talk about?”

  I paused, not knowing what to say. My mind was consumed with Natalie. I knew I needed to snap out of the funk, but I couldn’t do it. I pulled my phone out to text her.

  Just stopped to grab something to eat. I’m already missing you.

  “Ok, we don’t have to talk,” my aunt said.

  “It’s fine, we can talk if you want. I just wanted to text Natalie real quick.”

  She didn’t have a response to that. Thankfully, the moment was interrupted by the arrival of our drinks.

  “Here ya go. So how long are you two in town for?”

  And here we go, I thought. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at her, knowing it would be completely rude if I did.

  “We are just passing through. We’re moving out of town, and we just wanted to grab a bite to eat,” my aunt offered.

  “Yeah, just passing through,” I added.

  As I’d expected, the look on Isabelle’s face was one of disappointment.

  “Oh, that’s a shame. This is a nice little town. You should come back and visit often.”

  She had been staring right at me when she said it. Apparently, that was supposed to be my cue to fall at her feet. But no amount of eyelash batting from her would make me do that.

  CHAPTER 6

  _______

  We stopped at a small motel to rest up for the night before continuing the last half of the journey, and the morning arrived earlier than I would’ve preferred. Had this been an actual trip, I would’ve been eager to get back on the road.

  But this wasn’t a glorious vacation. This was the beginning of the rest of my life, and under the circumstances, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it.

  Before we left, I texted Natalie. The cell service was spotty, and I didn’t hear from her for at least an hour or more.

  Hey, where are you now? I miss you. :(

  Reading her text, I felt my heart break a little more.

  Still in the middle of nowhere. I miss you, too.

  “Everything ok? You’ve been pretty quiet today,” my aunt asked.

  “I’m fine. You don’t have to keep asking me that.”

  “You know I don’t believe that, Devin.”

  I wasn’t asking her to believe it. I just w
anted her to drop it.

  “Let me turn on some music. Maybe it’ll help you get your mind off things,” she said.

  It didn’t help. My aunt adored the cheerful, bopping fifties hits on the all-fifties channel on her satellite radio, and at any other time, I would’ve enjoyed listening to them.

  But I wasn’t feeling cheerful. I felt quite the opposite. She could see I wasn’t amused.

  “Honey, if you want me to turn it off, I can. We don’t have to listen to this.”

  “No, it’s fine,” I lied.

  My aunt saw right through the lie and promptly shut the radio off. Silence took hold again in the car as we continued our drive. Ten minutes or so passed before my aunt spoke up again.

  “Are you sure you’re okay, Devin? I know this is a big change and all.”

  Her voice trailed off, and as I glanced over at her, I noticed her blinking rapidly. It was as though she was…crying. Is she crying? I don’t understand what this is about, I thought. Now it was my turn to ask her the annoying question.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, almost dreading her answer.

  A long pause went by before she finally spoke.

  “Yes. I think. It’s just that…well, I don’t want you to feel so miserable about this move. I know it’s a huge change. And I know I’m having to put you through a lot, but I know in my heart it will all be fine. I just wish you’d believe me when I say that, honey.”

  “It’s not that.”

  “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “You know exactly what I mean.”

  My patience was growing thin with her. It’s not that difficult to understand, I thought.

  “I know you’re heartbroken right now. But in time, you won’t feel as bad. I promise.”

  I beamed with happiness when I saw Natalie’s text come through.

  I love you, Devin. Don’t ever forget that.

  Her words couldn’t have been more bittersweet. On the one hand, I was crazy in love with her. And every time she said that, I fell further and further in love with her.