Hindsight

by Rhonda Taylor Madge

  Troy pulled over as the officer jumped out of his car. Troy explained the situation. “Officer, will you put her in your car?”

  Being the kind Southern gentleman that he was, he replied, “Sir, I will not.”

  He called for an ambulance, which happened to be just blocks away. I was quickly on my way to the hospital while the EMT examined me. I heard him say to the doctor on the phone, “She is 100 percent effaced and dilated to seven centimeters.” They started an IV and hit the gas with three crazies following behind.

  During all the excitement, Troy realized he had forgotten a VHS tape for our recorder so he sent his mom to find one. After she found a tape at the market, she rushed to find where Troy was waiting but somehow became disoriented in the hospital and walked out a door that led into a garden. When the door shut, it immediately locked her out. Her only way back into the interior corridor of the hospital was to climb a garden trellis and enter through a window on the next floor up. Determined not to miss her grandbaby’s birth, she threw her purse over her shoulder and started climbing, making it just in time.

  As I was quickly prepared for surgery, Troy stood by my head with the nurse. A sheet had been draped so that I could not see, but Troy had a bird’s-eye view. Within minutes, I heard the words, “It’s a girl!”

  On September 2, 1993, Taylor Rae Madge was born—all seven pounds and thirteen ounces of beautiful, with creamy, olive skin and dark hair just like her daddy.

  As the doctor handed her to Troy for the first time, I heard him gasp. He brought her close for me to see. It was killing me not to hold her.

  “Oh, Troy, look at her hair and her little feet.”

  When they brought her to me in my recovery room and laid her in my arms to nurse, I knew that I was experiencing indescribable joy.

  “Hi, my sweet Taylor. I’m your mother.” I drew her next to me as the softness of her skin met mine. Her eyes looked up to me as her tiny mouth found my breast, just the way God intended.

  God? The stream of tears fell from my eyes as I looked at my baby. I knew in that moment that there had to be a God who loved me to have given me such a gift. For the first time, instead of questioning God, I turned my eyes toward heaven with a grateful heart and whispered, “Thank You.”

  FIFTEEN

  “I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord…”

  Jeremiah 29:11

  Motherhood was everything I had dreamed it would be. Every day seemed to bring another new experience, and I obsessed over doing everything perfectly for Taylor. On the morning of her first checkup, I cried the entire drive, knowing for sure I had done something wrong to her in her young life. When the doctor looked at me and said, “Well done, Mama. She looks great,” I threw my arms around his neck and gave him a big hug.

  My eight weeks of maternity leave flew by quickly. My heart ached at the thought of leaving our little angel with anyone, but we found a dear lady to care for her, which made it a tad easier to return back to work.

  Martha Hudson became Mamaw to our family. She was one of those kind, older women who exuded warmth with her smile, bright eyes, and welcoming spirit. She was a true gift who walked into our lives at the perfect time, a woman who loved well and gave of herself selflessly. Mamaw had a small group of children she watched in her home, and she loved each one as if they were her own.

  Mamaw also wanted everyone to know that she loved Jesus. “You guys have to get this baby into a church,” she boldly told us.

  Since moving back down south, life had seemed a lot smoother, so we hadn’t felt the need for church. After all, we didn’t have any fires to put out, and that was the only reason I had ever found to go to church. However, becoming parents to Taylor caused us to look at church with a different perspective because we wanted what was best for her.

  The following Sunday, we visited a small church near our home. Pastor Steve welcomed our family with open arms. Of course, he didn’t know all my secrets—and I didn’t intend to tell him, either. But to step back into the house of God without feelings of desperation was quite different.

  Troy and I sat on a pew with Taylor asleep in my arms. I felt a familiar stirring in my heart that I hadn’t felt for years. I knew our little family was right where we were supposed to be.

  **********

  According to my life’s pattern, at least until this point, most of my happiest moments had been short-lived. Not in a glass-half-empty way; it just so happened that my sweet moments came and went swiftly, and I accepted that as my reality. Right now, things in the Madge household were great. Taylor brought sweet laughter and elation into our lives and we loved being parents. So when our wondrous moments took a downhill turn, I wasn’t really surprised.

  “Rhonda, I really need to talk to you.”

  I heard the seriousness in Troy’s words.

  As Taylor slept, I listened to Troy express his unhappiness in his business. “I’m just going through the motions every day. I’m not being challenged anymore and I’m bored.” He told me he wanted to look for something else to do, but he was unsure of what that could possibly be.

  Two days later, Troy walked in and said, “Pack a bag. We are taking a little trip to New York.”

  “New York? Why on earth would we go there?”

  “Well, I have been researching this new business opportunity. Actually, it’s a franchise called the Treasure Cache. It’s a type of retail store and it sounds really promising.”

  Troy explained that a broker had presented the concept to him and had assured him that it was a no-fail opportunity. The Treasure Cache was a store that rented shelf space to artisans and crafters so they could sell their merchandise in a high-traffic mall setting.

  “Troy, you seem really excited. I want you to be happy, Sweetheart. It almost sounds too good to be true, though.”

  Still, a week later we traveled to New York. We learned there were twenty-one other stores, primarily in the northeast. The owners were excited to expand into Tennessee because the South is known for their quality craftsmanship.

  We were exhilarated on our flight home as we talked through the possibilities. However, once we returned home and settled in, the what-ifs began to creep in.

  “What if it fails? What if we lose everything?” Troy asked.

  “Well, Mother always told me that a couple could live in a pup tent as long as they had love.”

  “Rhonda, you haven’t ever lived in a pup tent.”

  “No, I haven’t. But I know that I love you and I want more than anything for you to be fulfilled as a man.”

  The next day, the paperwork was signed. We became owners of a store in the Chattanooga mall.

  The following days were a pattern of movement that began with an early alarm. I loved the mornings with Taylor and I tried to stretch out the moments as long as possible. But twelve-hour days at the mall for Troy meant everything at home was left up to me, even with a full-time career.

  The store opening was successful, and although Troy was working long days, he seemed rewarded. But there was something on my mind.

  I was thirty-five years old and I wanted another child. I knew if we waited much longer, it might not happen. I did not want Taylor to grow up as an only child like I did; it was too lonely a childhood. What if I miscarried again? Maybe I should start taking baby aspirin again, just in case.

  “Troy, can we please have another baby? I know the timing isn’t perfect, but is there ever a perfect time?”

  **********

  On Valentine’s Day 1995, Austin Lee Madge was born, weighing in at seven pounds and thirteen ounces. He was blonde, with a fair complexion and cobalt-blue eyes, the exact opposite of Taylor.

  My delivery was normal this time, but because the doctor was going out of town, he wanted to induce my labor. Strangely enough, we were asked to be at the hospital at midnight to begin the process and break my water. On our way, Troy needed to stop at Kinko’s to make copies of payroll for employees. I decided to get out of the ca
r and join him, not realizing the keys were locked inside.

  Once again, his mom came to our rescue and brought an extra set of keys. My mother was at home with Taylor, waiting for us to call and announce our baby’s birth. Once again we waited to be surprised.

  Taylor was seventeen months old when she met Austin Lee for the first time. Mother brought her into the hospital room and she crawled upon the bed with me to take a peek at her new brother. “Nose?” she asked. “Eyes?”

  “Yes, Taylor. He is just perfect. Don’t you think?”

  She wrinkled her nose and fell back, laughing. He was perfect and I knew Troy thought so, too. Troy climbed into bed with me and the four of us snuggled together. This is what I had dreamed of my entire life.

  Soon everyone left the hospital room, leaving Austin and I to become acquainted as mother and son. I looked deeply into his blue eyes and sang the little song I had learned in Sunday school. “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little one to Him belongs, they are weak, but He is strong.” Once again, I knew we had been given a gift.

  Having Little Miss Priss as a toddler along with a newborn made for a tired mama. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone. Taylor fired questions at me all day about her little brother. I’m pretty sure she thought he was her baby. Whenever he grunted, cried, or smiled, her favorite thing to say was, “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

  Life with two babies and a new business felt like we were living in a pressure cooker. To make matters worse, I knew I had to go back to work in a couple of weeks as my maternity leave was coming to an end.

  The Chattanooga store grew extremely fast. It was fun to go in and see what new items the artisans had brought in. One Saturday during the Easter holiday rush, I took the babies to surprise their daddy. I had Austin in a front pack and Taylor in a stroller. As we entered the store, Taylor screamed, “Daddy!” After becoming unbuckled, she jumped in his arms, expecting a tour of all the pretty items on the shelves.

  A stream of customers came and went as our employees took care of their needs. Taylor said, “Down, Daddy,” so she could take a closer look at a baby doll.

  I said, “Taylor, you stay close to Daddy, okay?”

  That same moment, a customer asked Troy a question. I had my eye on Miss Priss as she chatted away at the pretty doll. In the quick moment when I turned to Austin to adjust his pacifier and looked back down, Taylor was gone.

  The store was small. It only took moments to examine the area. Then my eye caught a man running with Taylor by his side out the door into the mall traffic. I screamed and ran toward him, trying to balance Austin in my arms.

  “Stop him! Stop him! He has my baby!”

  Every person in the store froze.

  The strange man stopped and turned toward me. “Is she your daughter, ma’am?”

  “What are you doing?” I yelled at him. “Of course, she is mine!”

  I grabbed Taylor, who didn’t even understand what had happened. People gathered around us as the poor man explained that he had thought another woman had left the store without her daughter. He was chasing someone else in hopes of being the Good Samaritan, not realizing Taylor was mine.

  It took hours for my heart to beat correctly. Troy tried to console me, but I couldn’t stop crying. The fear of losing my baby was more than I could comprehend. All the while, Austin slept soundly, nestled close to my chest.

  Within just six months, the Treasure Cache was making a profit. Troy was ecstatic and thought we should go ahead and open another store, possibly in Nashville.

  “Troy, I don’t know. Will you travel back and forth? We would not see you very much.”

  “Didn’t you recently find out the Nashville territory is available with your company?” he asked.

  “Yeah. What are you thinking, Troy?”

  “I have a great manager for the store here, Rhonda. What if your company transferred you to Nashville and we moved there? We would also be closer to your mother and Howard Lee.” He continued, excitedly. “Rhonda, if we have two stores making this kind of money, you can quit in a couple of years.”

  I did like the sound of quitting my job and also being closer to Mother, so I agreed to check into it.

  I’m not certain how things happened so quickly, but the pharmaceutical company I worked for seemed thrilled with the idea. Nashville had the worse sales in the entire United States for the drug I was currently selling. I had a proven track record of success and they were eager to place a seasoned representative into the Nashville market, which had much greater potential than Chattanooga.

  Within a matter of weeks the relocation was set in motion and Troy prepared to open our second store.

  Moving again came easy for us. Within days we were preparing to move just outside of Nashville into a historical community called Franklin.

  We were excited for many reasons; however, unbeknownst to us, this is where God had chosen for real transformation to occur.

  SIXTEEN

  “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.”

  John 10:27

  Change. It can bring about a sense of renewal, but it can also result in misery. As I stood on the porch of our home in Soddy Daisy, half-packed boxes at my feet to the left and a baby walker on the floor to my right, I realized how contented I was. When I went back inside the house, I could hear the familiar sounds from the baby monitor as Taylor and Austin woke from their morning naps. This was the home that gave birth to my two greatest joys. Was I really prepared to leave?

  I didn’t share my confusion or worry with Troy, but continued with the mission of packing all our belongings. As the finishing touches were made to prepare our home for the new owner and load the last box, I thought about our sweet little church and precious Mamaw we were leaving behind.

  It was not easy to say good-bye to places that had offered love and acceptance. Of course, they didn’t know the truth about me, either. If so, I probably would not have been accepted. I continued to live a façade, fearing my past would cause someone not to trust me. I still lived with the pain of when Jess told me she didn’t trust leaving her husband alone with a woman who had been married twice before.

  However, with each move it seemed I could leave pieces of my past behind and move forward with the charade, all the while adding another layer of thick skin to insure I wouldn’t get hurt again.

  **********

  We pulled up to our newly built brick home located on a cul-de-sac on the east side of Franklin. It had a great yard in the back for the kids to play in and ample room inside for our family of four. We quickly unpacked and settled in because Troy needed most of our time and efforts spent on opening the second store.

  We were thankful to have quickly found a woman just like Mamaw to care for Taylor and Austin. Although Miss Dana was much younger than Mamaw, she opened her arms with just the same love for our two babies.

  We also continued to take our children to church every Sunday. Regular attendance every week brought assurance that we were doing the right thing. We found a traditional, medium-sized place of worship. I say medium because in this area, there are massive buildings that fill up on Sunday mornings. This was, of course, the center of what is known as the Bible Belt.

  Once again, we hit the ground running. Troy established the new store in the local mall and I became acquainted with all the new doctors in my territory.

  **********

  Not long after, I noticed Troy becoming distant and edgy. I knew he was having trouble finding artisans who would sell their merchandise in this new store. If we didn’t have enough crafters to support our efforts, we would be unable to pay the rent, which happened to be double what we were paying in Chattanooga.

  We had only been open three months when we had to borrow money to keep things afloat. This dream was quickly turning into a nightmare.

  I found him crying in the bedroom. “What have I done, Rhonda? We should not have moved here. I have made a terrible mistake.” />
  I didn’t want to show my concern, so I tried to encourage him with possible solutions. Mentally, though, he already considered himself a failure.

  We couldn’t pay the rent the following month and we were going further and further in debt. Troy made the agonizing decision to close both of the stores and file bankruptcy.

  “Rhonda, we don’t have a choice; they will come after us personally and we could lose our home.”

  Only four months after opening the second store Troy enlisted the help of an attorney to help us through this terrible process. He told us that both malls could attempt to confiscate any unsold inventory in hopes of recouping their loss. Troy and I made a plan that he would travel to Chattanooga while I stayed at the Franklin store. We simultaneously called all of our vendors and asked them to quietly and quickly come within the hour to retrieve their merchandise without alerting the mall as to what was happening.

  The artisans showed up at the stores to claim their things; many of them were nice and understanding, and others were upset and angry.

  If an item had sold, we were unable to pay the money owed. One guy in Nashville, who was rather rough around the edges, threatened me. “I will find out where you live,” he said angrily. “I don’t care if it’s the last thing I do, I will get my money back.”

  I called Troy, scared to death, which completely put him over the edge. His sobs were deafening in my ear.

  “What have I done? What have I done? I’m so sorry, Rhonda, to put you through this.”

  “You listen to me, Troy. We will make it. Do you hear me?”

  I didn’t know where my strength was coming from because I, too, was terrified of what the future held for us. I could hear my mother telling me that love never fails. But on the other hand, I couldn’t imagine how we could possibly recover from our plight.