NERDS: National Espionage, Rescue, and Defense Society

by Michael Buckley

  “Meet Mindy Beauchamp,” Ms. Holiday said.

  The image was replaced with a photograph of a young woman wearing a sash and a tiara. The kidnapper and this beauty queen were the same girl.

  “Otherwise known as the Hyena,” Agent Brand said.

  “Why do they call her the Hyena?” Ruby asked.

  “We’re still working on it,” Ms. Holiday said. “But we do know a little bit about her. She’s a former pageant contestant who gave up her sash and gown for life as a professional goon. She’s been spotted at a few of the kidnappings.”

  “Bingo!” Matilda said as she cracked her knuckles. “Now I know who to punch in the face.”

  “That still doesn’t explain why we’re headed to Los Angeles,” Jackson said.

  Ms. Holiday nodded. “Dr. Munoz lives there with his nine-year-old daughter. When he approached the FBI, he claimed to have some of the schematics for Jigsaw’s continental-shift machine, but they thought he was crazy, too.”

  “Can’t he just mail them to us?” Jackson said. “I’m missing a very important test.”

  Agent Brand shook his head. “We’ve reached out to him, but Munoz believes he’s being watched and is refusing to talk. He won’t even repeat what he told the FBI. So, the team is going to him for a face-to-face. Your cover will be his daughter Elizabeth’s birthday party. You need to find the schematics and see if you can get Munoz to talk about Jigsaw.”

  “How do we plan on finding the documents?” Duncan asked.

  Ms. Holiday reached down into a bag and took out a guinea pig. It had a big red bow wrapped around its belly. “With this.”

  “Guinea pig cameras rule!” Flinch cried.

  The cockpit door opened and the lunch lady poked his head out. “We’re over the drop point,” he shouted.

  “Not again!” Jackson groaned. “You know, you can land this thing and just let us walk off.”

  “Get your gear,” Brand said, ignoring him and gesturing to six backpacks at the front of the rocket. Inside his, Jackson found a complete mariachi outfit: a slim black jacket and matching pants, a sombrero, and boots.

  “What’s all this?”

  “Part of your cover. Munoz’s daughter is turning nine today, and you’re the entertainment. You’re posing as members of the hottest young pop band in America, Del Loco.”

  “No way!” Flinch shouted as he leaped to his feet. His body twitched and shook, and at first Jackson was sure the boy was having a seizure, but soon he realized Flinch was dancing. Then he started singing. “’Hey, pretty lady, don’t walk on by—come and take a moment with the super fly.’”

  Brand quickly cut him off. “Del Loco is an international sensation. They have coloring books, lunch boxes, their own TV show, and millions of records sold. Dr. Munoz had to pull a lot of strings to get them to play. Unfortunately, the real Del Loco is going to be detained at the customs desk at the Los Angeles airport. Ruby, you’re on point as usual.”

  Ruby smiled briefly. “When our last director said I was ‘on point,’ that meant I was in charge. Is that what you mean?”

  Brand gritted his teeth and looked as if he was swallowing a ball of impatience. He eyed Ms. Holiday who smiled at him and nodded. “Yes, I trust you,” he grunted as if the words caused him physical pain.

  “And me?” Jackson said.

  “Observation only,” Agent Brand said.

  Jackson sighed as he strapped on his parachute.

  “This isn’t a punishment, Jackson,” Ms. Holiday said. “You’ll be in the thick of things as soon as you’re ready.”

  The lunch lady opened the side door of the rocket, and a moment later Jackson was floating down to Earth. Duncan had given him some pointers on skydiving and felt confident he was ready to jump on his own. He landed in a bush, but aside from a few scratches he was fine.

  While the others slipped off their parachute harnesses, Ruby began to give orders.

  “Wheezer, can you get airborne?” Ruby asked. “I’d like to see if you can spot the doctor’s house from here.”

  Matilda took out her inhalers. With one in each hand, she pushed the plungers and shot into the air nearly as fast as the School Bus.

  “I’ve got it,” Matilda voice rang in Jackson’s head. “It’s about a mile from here on foot.”

  “Good,” Ruby said. “Flinch, why don’t you run ahead and let Dr. Munoz know the band is on its way.”

  Flinch clapped his hands together, twisted the knob on his chest, and sped away, leaving a cloud of dust in his wake. Though he’d seen it before, this never failed to impress Jackson.

  Duncan noticed Jackson’s amazement. “He is incredible,” Duncan said as they walked in the direction of the doctor’s house. “He can lift nearly five tons and reach speeds of a hundred miles an hour if he’s had enough sugar. And he’s my best friend.”

  “He’s such a little guy too,” Jackson said.

  Duncan frowned. “Size has nothing to do with it, Braceface.”

  “Don’t call me that,” Jackson begged.

  “That’s your code name. I’m Gluestick.”

  “I’m changing my name,” Jackson said.

  “Great, you need something more appropriate. How about ‘Motormouth’?” Ruby said.

  Jackson frowned.

  “I like ‘Railroad Track Boy,’” Heathcliff said.

  “I know! How about Monkeybrain!” Ruby cried.

  “What does that have to do with my braces?” Jackson cried.

  “Nothing. I just think that Benjamin may have upgraded the wrong weakness. You’re pretty dumb.”

  Jackson faked a laugh. “Hilarious,” he said. “I’m being insulted by a bunch of kids whose greatest enemy is milk.”

  Soon they found their way to the doctor’s home. It was a large adobe structure set back from the road. Inside, Jackson could hear music playing and children singing. A steady stream of caterers rushed in and out of the front door, carrying trays of cold cuts, tamales, and cheese. Flinch was speaking Spanish to one of them. The man nodded impatiently. Even though Jackson didn’t speak the language, it was clear the man was busy and didn’t have time to chat with a bunch of kids. He rushed off with his tray of roasted corn.

  When Flinch spotted the team he rushed over. “He says the party starts in about fifteen minutes and Dr. Munoz is already wondering where we are. I told him we would be ready. We better get dressed on the double.”

  Just then a black van pulled up in front of the house. Several muscular men in dark clothes got out and began unloading colorful piñatas. Flinch took an interest in the piñatas and the candy inside, but could not convince one of the deliverymen to give him one for free.

  The team entered the house and found a bustling beehive of activity. Some people hung streamers from the ceiling and others rushed about setting up tables. Nearly every surface had a plate of food on it. Jackson was starving, but Ruby would not let him eat. Instead, she ushered the team to a couple of back bedrooms to change into their costumes. The boys went into one and the girls another.

  Duncan, Heathcliff, and Flinch raced to the far corners of the room. From his days on the football team, Jackson had changed plenty of times in front of other people and didn’t give it much thought. He was nearly finished when he found a black wristwatch in his pack. It looked just like the one the rest of the team wore.

  “I got a spy watch!” he cried as he slipped it onto his wrist.

  “Try not to laser your face off,” Duncan said.

  After he admired it for a few moments, he noticed his teammates were still dressed in their regular clothes.

  “What are you waiting for?” Jackson asked.

  “A little privacy,” Heathcliff said.

  Jackson could see that Duncan and Flinch were wishing for the same thing.

  “Let me get this straight. You guys have saved the world a dozen times since Monday, but you’re afraid to change your clothes in front of each other?”

  The boys frowned but then nodded in
agreement.

  “It’s no big deal,” he said, hoping to calm their fears.

  “Don’t presume to tell us that it’s no big deal. Everyone in this room is seven hundred times smarter than you. We know what’s a big deal,” Heathcliff snapped.

  Jackson felt like snapping back, but he remembered what Duncan had told him. Jackson had been very mean to Heathcliff. A memory flashed in his mind. The gym locker room … Heathcliff changing … Jackson snatching his clothes and tossing them into the showers.

  Heathcliff grabbed up his clothes. “I’ll find somewhere else to change.” He stomped out of the room and was gone.

  Jackson knew there wasn’t anything to say. He sat down on the bed and pulled on his boots. He wondered if he would ever be able to win the forgiveness of his teammates.

  There was a knock on the door and Matilda’s voice could be heard from the hall. “You guys ready?”

  “Just a second!” Jackson shouted, then turned his back. Flinch and Duncan hurried into their clothes and the three of them rushed into the hall. Heathcliff joined them a moment later. When everyone was assembled, they stood back and admired the outfits Ms. Holiday had collected for them. Each of them looked like a real mariachi.

  “OK, let’s go rock this party,” Ruby said.

  “Uh, one small problem … I don’t play any instruments,” Jackson said. “Not even the clarinet Agent Brand gave me for my fake marching band practices.”

  “We’re a pop group,” Duncan said. “We don’t play instruments. We sing and dance.”

  “Uh, I don’t sing or dance, either.”

  The team made their way to the backyard with Jackson reluctantly following. There they found a sea of partygoers. Everyone was laughing and excited, but when they saw the six mariachis they turned into an excited mob. People pulled at Jackson’s hat and begged for autographs.

  A man Jackson immediately recognized as Dr. Munoz approached. “You are late. Set up and get started.”

  Ruby nodded and turned to her group. She said quietly. “Let’s sing a few songs, and then Flinch and Braceface will approach him.”

  “I get to do something?”

  Ruby nodded. “I don’t think you could screw up an interview with a witness. OK, let’s give these people a show.”

  “Again, I don’t sing. I don’t dance,” Jackson said, but he was pushed onto the stage anyway.

  Flinch stepped up to a microphone. “Buenos dias, everyone. We want to wish Ms. Elizabeth a feliz cumpleanos. We are Del Loco. Before we get started, we have a special present for Elizabeth.”

  A young girl stepped forward and Flinch set the guinea pig into her eager hands. She squealed with delight as a gaggle of her friends surrounded her. They each took turns petting the nervous creature.

  “We hope you have a good time, and feel free to dance,” Flinch continued.

  Suddenly, a song blasted through the speakers. Jackson turned to find the team moving in a complex dance sequence. They were bouncing and hopping around like trained dancers while he stood on the stage like a dumb ape.

  “Dance,” Heathcliff said as he nudged him.

  “I told you I can’t dance,” he cried.

  “Just listen to my instructions,” Matilda said, her voice ringing in his head.

  “Left foot step to the right, now lunge, turn to the right and jump!” Jackson followed the best he could, which seemed to quell the anger of a group of young girls staring at him from the crowd.

  “Spin on the right foot, spin again, pull back and thrust. That’s it. OK, let’s drive these kids into a frenzy. Braceface, grab that mic and sing.”

  Jackson looked at the others. “I don’t sing.” His voice bellowed out over the crowd. A moment later a burrito came flying out of the audience and hit him in the leg. Before things could get ugly, Flinch snatched the microphone and took over the song.

  Everyone was dancing and singing and, best of all, completely fooled. Dr. Munoz and his daughter whirled across the dance floor doing a lively two-step. They looked as if they were having the time of their lives.

  “Del Loco” played several songs before Ruby kicked Jackson in the shin.

  “What was that for?” he groaned as he did a complicated swivel step.

  “Look at your watch,” she said.

  Jackson eyed the watch. There was a flashing screen that read ACTIVATE GUINEA PIG. He pushed the button and the little screen was replaced with a video camera image. He could see dozens of little girls staring up at him and then realized he was seeing what the guinea pig was seeing. A moment later he watched as the girls squealed and the guinea pig made an escape. In no time at all it had scurried out of the backyard and into the house. Watching its point of view, Jackson saw it weave in and out of the crowd of busy caterers as it went from one room to the next.

  Jackson continued his dancing and singing for several more songs, though his focus on the watch made him slam into Matilda during a tricky spin move. He accidentally kicked Heathcliff in the rear end, but finally the furry little camera stumbled into a room filled with file cabinets.

  “That has to be it,” Jackson said to himself. The watch flashed a button that said TARGET LOCK and he pushed it. At once a schematic of the house appeared, then a turn-for-turn map to the guinea pig’s location.

  Jackson and Flinch stepped offstage and hurried into the house. They found the guinea pig sniffing at a desk chair in a lonely room that overlooked the backyard and the party below. The room must have had twenty file cabinets in it, stacked up to the ceiling.

  “This will take forever.” Jackson groaned. “We don’t even know what we’re looking for.”

  “We better get started, bro,” Flinch said. He tried to open a drawer but it was locked. He gave the knob on his chest a slight turn and then yanked at the drawer handle so that its lock busted. Then he did the same for Jackson’s drawer. They sorted through files filled with bizarre mathematical equations and strange schematics, but none of them had Dr. Jigsaw’s name on them or seemed to have anything to do with continents.

  From downstairs Jackson could hear his teammates replaying a song they had already performed. In his head, Ruby’s angry voice demanded they hurry.

  “This is hopeless,” Flinch said.

  “Shouldn’t you two be on stage?” a voice said behind them. The boys spun around and found Dr. Munoz standing in the doorway.

  “We’re not with the band. We’re with NERDS,” Flinch said.

  “You’re nerds?”

  “Not nerds. NERDS. The National Espionage, Rescue, and Defense Society.”

  “But you’re kids. You can’t be older than ten!” Dr. Munoz cried.

  “Actually, we’re eleven.”

  “The government sends eleven-year-olds for this kind of work now?” Munoz said, shaking his head.

  “Sir, we know you contacted the FBI about Dr. Jigsaw. We also know you have schematics for his invention,” Flinch said. “It would be a great help to us—and to the world—to have them.”

  Jackson watched the man’s face turn cold. “You’re putting my family in danger.”

  “We’re trying to help you,” Jackson said. “If we can’t stop that wacko, who knows where Los Angeles will be on the map tomorrow. Give us the schematics. You will be saving millions of innocent people.”

  Munoz shuddered. “Jigsaw will have me killed. The guy is certifiable! I worked with him for a decade. He was always odd, but as time went by he got worse. When he proposed his continent project to the board of directors, they laughed at him. He threatened the head of the program with a letter opener and was arrested. Scientists really need to stop laughing at one another—we’re all very sensitive. Long story short, Jigsaw was fired the next day. I had to pack up his things, which I took over to his apartment. The entire floor was covered in this massive jigsaw puzzle. I don’t think he knew I was there. He kept muttering to himself that he would never give up.”

  “Give up what?” Flinch asked.

  “The reunific
ation of the continents,” Munoz said. “There’s this theory that all of the seven continents—North and South America, Asia, Europe, Australia, Africa, and Antarctica— were once one giant continent. Scientists call it Pangaea. They think that shifts in tectonic plates caused it to break apart and drift to where the continents are now—but it’s not my field. Jigsaw, however, was obsessed with it. He believed that all the world’s problems could be solved if we just put all the pieces back together. He thought we should all be living next to each other again. I tried to explain what a nightmare putting them back together would be. Nearly every coastal city would be destroyed when the continental shelves slammed into one another. Millions of people would die. Moving land masses that large would create a tidal wave that would kill millions more. The natural paths of sea and wildlife would be devastated and wipe out a great deal of our food supply. Not to mention that his fundamental theory was flawed. Even if you could slide them together all nice and neat, people wouldn’t get along any better. There are plenty of countries that neighbor one another now that have been at war for a thousand years. Jigsaw wouldn’t hear it. He said the world needed to be put back the way it was meant to be.”

  Jackson glanced out the window. The doctor’s daughter was in the yard. She was blindfolded and carrying a long stick. She swung it wildly at a piñata hanging directly above her.

  “If he’s so dangerous, you have to give us the schematics,” Flinch begged. “If Jigsaw intends to use his invention, we need to know everything we can about it.”

  Munoz nodded in surrender. “Let me get them for you.”

  As Munoz rifled through a file cabinet, Jackson watched the party. The little girl had still not hit the piñata, though she had nailed quite a number of her friends. Finally, she was nudged as close to the piñata as humanly possible. She swung like a maniac and smacked two children, a caterer, a piñata deliveryman, and her own grandmother before she managed to bludgeon open the side of the piñata. A wave of wounded children rushed forward in hopes of snatching the candy in its belly, but something odd happened. The piñata, which was shaped like a horse, righted itself. Its two white eyes suddenly glowed red, and rockets popped out of its side. It took to the air and circled the crowd.