Senna's Secret

by Karen Tjebben

  “Please promise me that you won’t tell anyone.” She could justify sharing the secret with Josh. He was the father, but she didn’t want anyone else to know. Not even her parents knew. It was still painful to think about. She did her best to keep the loss she felt in her heart tied up tight, not only invisible to others, but to herself too.

  His sharp gaze cut through her. She could read the judgment on his face. He believed she was guilty of something worthy of his disdain. After a delay, he finally said, “Okay. I’ll keep it to myself.”

  She nodded. “Thank you.” She paused and then began, “I didn’t intend for us to make love that night. We started kissing, and then our hands started roaming. God, everything happened so fast.” She let out a sigh and gave a subtle head shake. “I was so turned on that my brain shut down and my body took over.”

  Her pussy had pulsed with need. She’d rubbed against him over their clothes, but it hadn’t been enough. Her momentary lapse of judgment haunted her, even ten years later. “It was my fault. I undid your pants. I grabbed your penis.” Embarrassment swelled in her. This was such an awkward conversation.

  Just thinking about that night had Josh’s blood pumping but hearing her put the events into words turned him on. That surprised him. “I know what we did,” he said. He’d barely been inside her before losing it.

  She continued, “We didn’t use protection.” Tears puddled in her eyes.

  He stared at her, processing what that could mean. She’d never told him that she was pregnant. She certainly didn’t have a kid. Had she had an abortion? Was that her big secret?

  His heart throbbed in his chest, and his face twisted in confusion. “Wait. Did you get pregnant?”

  “Yes,” she breathed out. “At first, I was terrified. We were eighteen. We weren’t ready to be parents. We had college and goals to achieve.” She brushed away an errant tear that slid down her cheek.

  “Did you get rid of it?” he interrupted. The notion of her having an abortion didn’t seem possible. He knew that she wanted kids one day. She would make a great mom.

  “No, god, no,” she exclaimed. She could never do that. At least she didn’t think she could, but she could sympathize with unwed mothers. Being a single mom was incredibly difficult. She’d studied the statistics when she’d found out that she was pregnant. And what she learned, terrified her.

  “You never said anything,” he said with disbelief. “Did you give it up for adoption?” God, did he have a kid out there? Had she robbed him of his fatherhood?

  “No,” she replied. “I was trying to figure out what to do.” She shook her head and refused to make eye-contact with him. “A few weeks later, I had a miscarriage.”

  The part that sucked was that if she hadn’t taken the pregnancy test, she would have just figured her period was heavier that month. She could have saved herself all the grief and pain if she’d just waited to take the pregnancy test.

  He leaned forward with his elbows on his thighs and rubbed his forehead with his fingers. “Why didn’t you tell me?” The question was rooted in both curiosity and anger. “I had a right to know. You should have told me as soon as you found out.”

  “I know that now, but you were at that landscaping internship. You were so excited. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. I didn’t want to ruin it for you. I figured I’d tell you when the internship was over. But then I had the miscarriage. I couldn’t talk about it.”

  She took in a deep breath and tried to get her emotions under control. “The irony was, when I first discovered that I was pregnant, I was scared and a little angry that a baby was ruining my future. I mean,” she paused, “getting pregnant was an accident. We didn’t want to be parents yet.” She shook her head in disbelief. “But when I lost the baby, anger and guilt seeped into my life. I wondered if the baby felt my frustration, my contempt. Did I cause the miscarriage with my bad attitude?”

  “It doesn’t work that way,” Josh said. Seeing her legs bounce with nervous energy, he took her hand in his and rested their joined hands on her thigh.

  Now he knew why she wanted it to stay a secret. He could just imagine the news spreading through town. Their situation would become an example that parents would use to discourage their teens from having sex. Worse yet, the town gossips would chitter about whether the miscarriage was really an abortion. He could never put her through that.

  He prayed she felt his compassion in his touch as they sat in silence. He was speechless. She’d blindsided him with that revelation. To think that she kept silent so he could enjoy his internship and then she had to struggle with the loss of a baby by herself. To realize that she still struggled with that loss, even blamed herself for something that was totally out of her control.

  Shame filled him. He should have been there for her.

  He was damn sure going to be there for her now.

  She swiped away a tear with her free hand. “Are you mad?” He had every right to be mad, but she prayed that he wasn’t.

  He rubbed her hand with his thumb. “No. I’m not mad.” A hurricane of emotions and feelings pummeled his anger and morphed the pain into empathy. Part of him was upset that she’d hidden this from him. That she hadn’t trusted him with the truth when she first found out. But everything made sense now.

  “Did you tell your parents?” he asked. Back then, her parents were always lecturing her on the dangers of teenage sex. If they’d known that she’d been pregnant that summer, they’d done a fabulous job of hiding it all these years. He never got any negative vibes or looks from them.

  She snorted and looked up at him through heavy lashes. “What do you think?”

  From the tone in her voice, he knew she was trying for humor. “Senna, I hate that you went through this alone.”

  “Trust me, it sucked. I wanted to tell you. But I didn’t want you to suffer the loss that I did. There was nothing you could do.”

  And wasn’t that just like her, to put him ahead of herself. He hated that she carried that weight by herself. His thumb moved in little circles on her hand. The internship truly had been the opportunity of a lifetime. They’d done some texting, but he’d put in twelve-hour days in the hot summer heat. By evening, he was wiped and fell into bed.

  She continued. “And right before the internship was over, I miscarried. Each time you called, I stared at your name along the top of my cell. I couldn’t bear to answer, to say it out loud. I knew I’d fall apart.”

  “You could have texted me,” he replied gently. He hated that she went through this alone.

  She shook her head. “What if someone saw it? If your phone was laying on the table and your mom walked by. I couldn’t text that kind of thing. Besides, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. There was nothing you could do. I wanted to spare you the hell I was living.”

  He gently pulled her closer to him on the bench and tucked her under his arm. She rested her head on his shoulder and snuggled against his chest with their hands still joined on his thigh. In high school, they’d sat like this for hours at movies, while hanging out on the couch, or just about any time they could. Being tucked against him felt natural, felt right.

  “I’m sorry I froze you out,” she whispered. “The weeks turned into months, and then it was too late to contact you. If I could do things differently, I would.” She wiped at her eyes again.

  “It’s okay,” he assured her and kissed the top of her head. Hearing the truth from her altered the way he felt about her, about her disappearance from his life. She wasn’t a villainous cheater who tossed him aside for a fling. She’d been a young woman facing a huge, life-changing reality that suddenly shifted on her. She’d been alone for the most traumatic experience of her life.

  “I’m sorry you went through it alone.” He could have at least been there to hold her when she cried. “You’re not alone anymore,” he whispered.

  She gave his thigh a gentle squeeze, and they watched the stars come out over the ocean.

  17

  Senna
replayed the prior evening’s meeting with Josh over and over in her head on an endless loop. She’d bared her soul, laid out her pain and regret, and waited for his judgment. To her relief, he hadn’t cursed her. Instead, he’d been comforting and understanding. He’d empathized with her pain.

  Their talk transported her back to high school. All their fabulous memories came alive again. She’d thought her feelings for him had gone. That she’d come to terms with the loss of his love, but being with him the night before unearthed those feelings. By the end of the evening, she knew that the boy she used to love had grown into the man of her dreams.

  Martin stared at Senna. She sat at the other side of the table in the Reid Accounting Firm’s kitchen. Now that she had the screen up between their desks, he had to resort to eating lunch at the same time she did. He’d always join her a few minutes after she went to the kitchen. That way it didn’t look like he was following her.

  Right now, she had him mystified. Her eyes were glossed over as she stared at a certain point on the wall. He craned his head and looked over in the direction of her gaze. There was nothing interesting on the counter behind him. Just the sink, microwave, and empty counter space were in view.

  He turned back and faced her. She was still frozen in place. She looked odd, scary. Like someone had switched the real Senna with an AI robotic version. He glanced over his shoulder one more time. What the hell was she staring at?

  Martin cleared his throat, hoping to garner her attention. He cleared it a second time and said, “Senna, are you okay?” Worry and confusion laced his voice. He didn’t like the sound of it. It made him feel uneasy, out of control. He didn’t like feeling that way.

  “Senna,” he repeated more firmly.

  Senna shook her head and came out of her trance. For a brief moment in time she’d been reliving the previous evening with Josh. Unfortunately, she was now back in her personal hell with the ‘World’s Creepiest Boss’. Maybe she could sneak a picture of him and have a mug with that inscription made through one of those internet photo sites as a joke. Then she realized that would mean she’d be thinking about Martin when she was at home. She nixed that plan.

  “Yes,” she managed to say before taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Martin. Did you ask me something? I think I was in a trance or something,” she added lightly.

  “I guess you were deep in thought,” he replied stoically. “Do you want to talk about it?” He was a good listener. At least that’s what Mother told him. He wouldn’t consider that about himself, but he was good at sitting still and being quiet. Maybe that made him a good listener.

  Did she want to talk about it? Senna bit her tongue to keep from laughing. Talk about it with him? Absolutely not.

  She tilted her head to the side and gave a little shrug. “Thanks for offering, but I’m good. I’m just trying to figure stuff out.”

  She had no idea what would happen with Josh, and she couldn’t get her mind off of him. He’d been so kind the night before. It had almost felt like she’d been with the love of her life.

  Martin’s brows pinched together. “You were zoning out. Like some sort of powered down robot.” He’d watched an episode of Black Mirror about an AI creation that completely resembled a human. The show freaked him out. She reminded him of that creation.

  “I’m sorry,” she said again. Jabbing her fork through her Asian sesame salad, she continued, “There’s just so much going on with the move, new condo, new job,” she motioned towards him. “I have a lot on my mind. But it’s all good.” She gave him a smile, hoping that would allay his concern and stop their conversation.

  She shifted her cell phone to awaken it and pulled up a news page. While staring at her cell, she could still see Martin in her periphery. He picked up his peanut butter and jelly sandwich and took a bite. He didn’t take his eyes off of her for a second. He methodically chewed and stared.

  Senna jabbed at her salad again and put it in her mouth. Was she going to have to bring her screen into the kitchen with her? She considered the height of the table and the distance to the ceiling. The screen would never fit in that space.

  Oh well, it wasn’t like carting the privacy screen around would be a practical fix anyways. She worked with a man who had issues. She’d just have to adjust or find a new job.

  “Do you have a boyfriend?” Martin asked. He was curious. She was attractive. He saw the way the man who helped her with the screen looked at her. Although Martin couldn’t read faces, he could see the heat in the man’s gaze. He could recognize lust.

  She didn’t like the question. Was Martin fishing for information? Her heart stuttered. Oh god, did he like her?

  She didn’t want to give him the honest answer, that she wasn’t in a committed relationship. He could think he had a chance. But she hated to blatantly lie. Curving her lips into a smile, she leaned forward and said, “Actually, there is someone. It’s just beginning, but I think we have potential.” She sat back in her seat and took a swig of her soda. Hopefully that answer would help him see that she wasn’t available without hurting his feelings.

  Martin had no idea what that meant. Who did she have a new relationship with? Was it that guy that helped her the other day?

  His heart thudded when we wondered if it could possibly be him? They had just met, and she was always friendly to him. Did she want him to ask her out? Did he finally find someone who could see past his flaws, his idiosyncrasies?

  He swallowed hard, unsure of what to do or say.

  Senna noticed Martin’s discomfort. Not wanting to stay around any longer and accidentally encourage any more questions from him, she stood from the table and grabbed her stuff. She’d finish her yogurt at her desk behind the safety of her privacy screen. “I’m going to head back to my desk. I have a lot of work to do. Enjoy your lunch,” she said and slid her dishes into the dishwasher.

  Martin nodded. “You too.” Then he shook his head, disappointed that she was already done with lunch. “Sorry. Have a good afternoon.”

  “Thanks,” she nodded and beelined it for her desk.

  Easing onto her desk chair, she set her yogurt and cell on one side of her computer and her soda on the other. Taking in a deep breath, she looked at the ceiling while pleading, “Why me?”

  Why did she have such an odd boss? What was she going to do about him? Had he misinterpreted her answer to his question? Did he think she was flirting with him?

  “Oh, god,” she whispered to herself. She used her index fingers to massage her temples. Maybe she should have told him that Josh was her boyfriend. That she’d moved back to Avenel to claim the love of her life.

  She snorted. That sounded like something Dahlia would say.

  Just then, a text came through on her cell.

  Dahlia: Hey. We need to talk. Dahlia’s Delights at 8.

  Senna noted the lack of a question mark. She’d been summoned.

  Senna: Do I get free dessert?

  Dahlia: Of course. You can even take something home. If there’s anything left on the shelves.

  Senna: See you then.

  18

  Senna sat at one of the bistro tables inside Dahlia’s Delights while the last patrons made their way out. The same young worker from the evening before sprayed cleaner on the table next to her.

  Laurel smiled and wiped the table dry. “Hi, I’m Laurel. Dahlia said you would be stopping by.”

  “Hi, Senna.” She touched her chest.

  “I know it’s none of my business,” Laurel paused and straightened, clutching the cloth in her hand, “but how’d it go with that guy you met last night?”

  Senna laughed, surprised at the question. She didn’t even know this woman.

  “I’m sorry,” Laurel began, her face flushing pink. “It’s just that I don’t remember when my last date was, but I love love stories.” She rolled her eyes. “How pathetic is it that I have to bug strangers about their love life?”

  Senna giggled and smiled. “No worries. Let’s just sa
y that it went better than I thought it would.”

  “Good,” Laurel replied with a huge smile. “That’s nice. It gives me hope again,” she added lightly. But in her chest, anxiety clenched her heart. The last love of her life turned out to be a dangerous felon. She wasn’t sure she could ever trust someone again, but she hoped she would.

  Laurel sprayed another table and began wiping.

  Dahlia pushed through the swinging door and entered the front of the bakery from the kitchen. “Hey, there.” She motioned with her arm towards the display counter. “What do you want to eat? How can I tempt you?”

  Senna hopped up from the chair and approached the counter. “Let’s see. What do you have?” The cookies were all gone, but a few pastries remained. “Hmm, the bear claw looks good.”

  “They are good,” Laurel said. “They’re one of our biggest sellers. I’m surprised there’s even one left.”

  Dahlia nodded and then said, “That’s true. Hey, Laurel, go ahead and grab something to take home. Then you can leave. I’ll finish up.”

  “Thanks,” Laurel replied. She loved closing up the bakery. That meant she could take a treat home to her parents and daughter. She grabbed a brownie and a lemon bar and dropped them into a little white bag. Those were their favorites. Then Laurel grabbed her purse from under the display cabinet and slung the strap over her shoulder. “It was nice meeting you. Have a great evening.”

  “Thanks, you too,” Senna replied. She watched as Laurel made her way out of the bakery. She knew the questions would fly once she was alone with Dahlia.

  Dahlia matched Laurel’s steps and closed the door behind Laurel. With a quick twist of her hand, she turned the deadbolt. Then, turning dramatically, she said, “What happened last night?” Dahlia wasn’t too proud to admit that she’d spied on Senna and Josh the night before. She could just make out their forms on the bench across the street.