A Moment Too Late

by Rachael Brownell

  To find the man I’ve been trying to forget the last five years.

  The one man who’s owned my heart since I first met him.

  Jay takes my hand in his and laces our fingers together. We lay in silence as our bodies come down from the high. I’m afraid to speak, to ruin the moment we just shared. Worried we’ve crossed a line we can’t jump back over.

  You don’t want to jump back over that line. This is what you’ve always wanted.

  My damn subconscious is right. Again. I like being on this side of the line. It’s where I’ve dreamt of being. In Jay’s arms. In his life. In his heart.

  One of those things has happened now. The other two are still to be determined. We have a couple of long, emotional days to get through. Days that will constantly remind us of the past. Of the person we both loved. The reason we couldn’t be together.

  Had I moved into my apartment earlier …

  Had he not given in to her charm so easily …

  Had she never met Spencer …

  There are a million what-if scenarios I could throw at the universe, but they don’t matter one bit. The simple truth is that I was late to the party. She met him first.

  “Stop,” I hear Jay state firmly, the bed dipping as he turns toward me, propping himself up on his elbow so he peer into my eyes.

  “I wasn’t doing anything,” I reply, guilt laced in my every word.

  He couldn’t possibly know what I was thinking, could he?

  “This isn’t about anybody but us. Two grown adults. People who care about each other very much. I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. All I care about is you. This moment. The way you looked when you completely let go. Knowing I did that. Your lips were parted, your eyes closed, head thrown back, and you were pressing against me. Your body begging for more.”

  Running the back of his hand over my cheek, down my neck, and continuing until he’s gripping my hip, Jay pauses to relish my body, but not for long.

  “Live in that moment, Drea. Don’t let the guilt from the past dictate your present. Don’t let it stop you from having what you want. What you’ve always wanted. From being with me. Because I want to see that expression on your face again. A lot more. Very soon.”

  Pressing my elbows into the mattress, I force my body up and seal my lips against his. The hand that was resting on my hip is now holding my head hostage as Jay devours my lips. His body rolls on top of me, and a familiar sensation begins to build as he rocks his body against mine.

  Soon must mean now. His recovery time is impressive.

  “Too. Many. Clothes,” he says between kisses as he works his way down my neck.

  “Yes.” The single word comes out as a hiss as he nips the sweet spot where my neck and shoulder meet.

  Jay’s hand slides up my back, and I raise off the bed as far as I can so he can unclasp my bra. Once I feel the fabric release it’s hold, I start pulling it away from my body. Sitting up, Jay steadies my hands and slowly removes my bra, taking in the sight before him with great admiration.

  I’ve always been ashamed of how large my breasts are. They’re more than a handful and the last thing I would describe them as is perky. My areolas are large, and I have a mole above my right breast.

  “Perfection,” he states, his eyes never leaving my chest. My nipples pucker as the cold air brushes across them. He seems to notice and bends to take one in his mouth and the other in his hand, my back arching off the bed in response as I hold his head captive against my chest.

  “So responsive,” he coos, moving to pay the other nipple the same attention. I don’t bother to reply with anything more than a moan when he bites down on the sensitive bud.

  While his mouth and left hand work their magic on my breasts, his right hand takes a slow and torturous adventure down my side, across my stomach, and slips beneath the thin material of my thong, gently tugging as I wiggle with anticipation.

  Once I’m free of the binding undergarment and the only thing between Jay and I are his boxer briefs, I wrap my legs around his waist and pull him tightly against me. A growl escapes him as his movements become frenzied. Shimming out of the last of his remaining clothes, I attempt to help with my toes only to be met with resistance.

  “If I take them off, there’s no going back,” he murmurs against my chest before lifting his eyes to mine.

  Our eyes remain locked as he slides out of his underwear, repositions himself, and runs his shaft against my slick center. When I let out a huff of air in frustration, he drives into me in one quick thrust until he’s fully seated and I’m moaning loud enough the entire B&B knows what we’re doing.

  Jay lays motionless inside of me.

  “Please,” I beg.

  “Please, what?” he teases, his mouth reclaiming my breast.

  “I need you to move.” My plea comes out strangled as I attempt to press up against him, only I’m not strong enough to lift his body off mine. He has me pinned to the mattress, trapped in a state of sexual frustration.

  “Like this?” he asks, slowly retreating slightly.

  “Mmmhmm,” I moan. “More.”

  Jay finds a slow, lazy rhythm, pistoning in and out of me, working my body into a frenzy.

  “Drea,” he moans as he picks up the pace slightly. “I don’t know how much longer I can last. You feel so good. I’m close.”

  The need dripping from every word causes me to clench around him, my impending orgasm looming closer.

  “Me.” Huff. Moan. “Too.”

  “Come for me, baby. Let go. Let me hear you,” he urges, lifting his head from my breast as he drives himself deeper. “Open your eyes for me, Drea. I want to watch you fall apart beneath me.”

  That’s all it takes. My eyes fly open as I arch my body against his, my orgasm shattering around him.

  “You’re so fucking beautiful,” he praises, his words spoken so softly I can barely hear him over the pounding of my heart as another orgasm begins to bloom.

  Pushing himself up, Jay reaches beneath my ass and lifts me, his already impressive length going even deeper as he continues to drive into me.

  “Again,” he demands. “I want one more.”

  “I can’t,” I lie as my inner walls clench, making him feel that much larger.

  “You can. We can. Together.”

  “Harder,” I hear myself demand. Two deep, punishing thrusts and I’m coming again, Jay’s release following mine within seconds.

  My body is exhausted. My heart pounding but content.

  It’s my mind that refuses to leave me alone.

  As soon as Jay pulls out of me, the only thing I can think is that I slept with Sam’s boyfriend. That I’ve betrayed her in a way that I’ll never forgive myself for. It doesn’t matter she’s no longer here. That she’s been gone for five years. That I did my best to stay away.

  I took what I wanted, and he wasn’t mine to take. He’ll always belong to Sam.

  “Are you okay?” I hear Jay ask as he wipes away the tears I didn’t even realize were falling.

  “I don’t know.” It’s a lie, but how can I tell him the truth? That I’m lying naked next to him, regretting what just happened while feeling completely content at the same time. I’m a hot mess and my emotions are all over the place.

  “Tell me what’s wrong and we’ll find a way to make it right, Drea. I promise.”

  “You will always be Sam’s and we’ve dishonored her memory.” My honesty catches me off guard.

  Jay frowns at my confession as he wipes away another set of stray tears. “Sam and I had a complicated relationship. She wanted more than I was willing to give her from the start. I think she knew I was in love with someone else, but she wasn’t ready to let me go. She wasn’t ready to move on. She fought hard to make our relationship work even when it became obvious that it couldn’t.

  “So, I slowly pulled away, hoping she would break up with me. I was a coward. I shouldn’t have let it go on as long as it did. I shouldn’t have been afraid t
o break up with her, but I was. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Sam because I did care about her. She was my friend before anything, and I wanted to remain that way.”

  “But you led her on for years, Jay. Years.” I’m yelling at him even though his face isn’t even a foot from mine.

  “I know, and I’m not proud of it. I’d go back and change things if I could. Perhaps she would still be here if I’d manned up and called it quits. Maybe she would have found someone else that made her happy and he would have picked her up from work that night. What I know for sure, though, is that no matter when we broke up or who made the decision, you wouldn’t have given me a chance back then. You would have stuck by Sam’s side no matter what.

  “There are no sides anymore, Drea. You aren’t stuck in the middle. You’re not being pulled in two different directions. It’s just me and you. Two people who have cared for each other for a long time and deserve a chance to see where this life can take them. Together. To find out if the feelings they’ve harbored for years are real.”

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I reach up and caress Jay’s face.

  I want his words to be true. For us to be able to entertain the idea of being together. Without guilt nagging at me. I don’t think it’s possible, but right now, as he rolls his body on top of mine and presses his lips to the side of my neck, I want to make it my reality. I want to try. I want to let go of the past and open my eyes to the possibility of a future with the only man who’s ever held a piece of my heart.

  Chapter Eleven

  The nap I desperately needed was a forgotten thought. Instead, Jay and I spent the afternoon exploring each other’s bodies. Getting to know each other intimately.

  Multiple times.

  On the bed.

  In the chair.

  Bent over the desk.

  And finally, in the shower while we washed each other from head to toe. The room smelled of sex when we left, our bodies still humming, but our sins had been washed away.

  For now.

  Sins of the past and present.

  My exhaustion started to set in as we arrived at the lantern release, twenty minutes late, as everyone was gathering on the football field. The sun was just starting to kiss the horizon, fields of orange, yellow, and red illuminated above the forest of trees that ran along the western edge of campus.

  The dean is waiting for us, a forced smile on his face as we approach, two microphones in hand. He immediately hands me one, and I take it without hesitation, setting my lantern on the ground at my feet.

  “The ceremony starts in five minutes. I’ll be introducing you, Andrea, and then the lanterns will be released one by one as you speak.”

  Nodding my head in understanding, my eyes follow his line of sight to the growing crowd in front of us. There are at least fifty people here already and more still walking into the stadium. Most are faces I recognize from town or old classmates. Mia and Spencer are standing off to the side, waving us over.

  When I lift my hand to return their gesture, forgetting Jay’s fingers are laced with mine, it looks more like I’m punching the air in celebration. Mia’s smile brightens while Spencer remains stoic, his face unreadable from this distance.

  “You should go and stand with them,” I urge Jay, attempting to pull my hand from his. He’s not giving up without a fight though. The same way he refused to let go on the walk over here when we passed my old boss from Riley’s Pub.

  “We’ll see them later. I’d rather be here for you in case you need me.”

  “What makes you think I need you?” I retort, unable to hide my smile at his gesture.

  “If you would rather do this alone …” he starts, taking a step toward where our friends are still watching us with interest.

  I pull him back as I hear the dean begin his introduction, and Jay wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me in front of him. Resting my head against his broad chest, I close my eyes until I hear my name.

  Sliding the button up on the microphone, I stare at the little green light signaling that it’s on.

  I can do this.

  After sucking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I bring the microphone to my lips and close my eyes again. If I can’t see them, I won’t know if they’re looking at me.

  “Sam was more than just my best friend. She was like a sister to me. My other half. The yin to my yang. Where she was outgoing and spunky, I was quiet and reserved. She dressed to stand out while I used my clothes as a way to blend into the crowd. Her hair … gosh, she loved to get creative. A different color every month, sometimes more often than that. Her favorite colors were pink and teal. In her mind, they were bright enough to stand out against her boring brown strands. They brought color to her pale skin. And let’s not forget her signature red lipstick. I’m pretty sure I never saw her without it.”

  Pausing, I take another deep breath and open my eyes. Jay tightens his hold, reassuring me without saying a word that I can do this. His presence alone has calmed me.

  “Sam and I met at Riley’s. She made a hell of a first impression. She was bold and a tad bit crazy, but she was damn good at what she did. She loved her job and found a way to have fun in a stressful environment. She didn’t take shit from anyone but could dish it out. After the first night I worked with her I knew we would always be friends. There was something about her that spoke to a part of me that was missing. She brought out parts of my personality I didn’t realize existed.”

  Stopping to watch a few of the lanterns release, I snuggle deeper into Jay’s arms before continuing.

  “For two years we were practically inseparable. I have more memories that I can count. From funny stories to boring nights spent studying together. Day trips shopping for her next outrageous outfit. Countless parties I barely remember. And we still hold the beer pong team championship.”

  I feel the rumble in Jay’s chest as Spencer’s burst of laugher echoes across the open field. I knew he’d get a kick out of that comment. After all, we stole the title from him and Jay.

  “The last time I talked to Sam was the day I left for spring break. I had invited her to come with me, but she didn’t want to spend the money on a lavish trip. She was saving for a new car, one that didn’t break down every other day. She was close to her goal, and we had planned on going car shopping when I got back. That didn’t happen. Someone stole that dream from her. Stole all her dreams from her.

  “The same person ripped out a piece of my heart that day. I lost my best friend. Summer lost her only daughter. Sam was only one person, but she touched each and every one here. We all still feel her loss, even five years later because when she was killed this town lost its innocence. A town I had always seen as safe. A place that prided itself on the community that lived here. And one of their own destroyed everything Great Falls stood for.”

  Realizing the accusation I just made, I wait for people to start turning around and staring at me in shock. No one moves, all eyes are lifted to the sky as lanterns continue to be released. Floating to heaven. To Sam. With messages of love on them. For her and only her. From the people whose lives she touched in her short time on this Earth.

  “As the last lantern flies tonight, close your eyes and focus on your favorite memory of Sam. Something that made you laugh. A time when she made you feel special or brought a smile to your face. That’s the kind of person she was and that’s the way we should remember her. Saying good-bye is never easy but that’s what we’re doing tonight. Sending Sam off with love in our hearts and holding on to the memories we made with her. Together, we are healing our broken souls.”

  Turning the microphone off, I drop it to the ground and bend to retrieve my lantern, Jay releasing his hold on me for the first time since arriving. I immediately feel the loss, my heart aching for him to pull me close again.

  When did I become so clingy?

  As soon as Jay’s lantern is lit and flying skyward, he turns to light mine, but I shake my head. Looking to the crowd, I wait un
til the last lantern is released. When the fire in mine is burning brightly, I give it a nudge toward the heavens and say a silent prayer.

  I promise I will find who did this to you if it’s the last thing I do. We won’t stop until we have answers, and someone is held accountable. I love you, Sam. I always have and I always will.

  Blinking, I feel the first tear fall as I finish my prayer.

  Please forgive my heart for loving him. I never meant to hurt you, in life or in death.

  My tears continue to fall as I watch the lights of the lanterns illuminate the night sky, the sun having fallen beyond the horizon now. They drift higher and higher until they’re out of sight. All except one. One that’s lingering lower than the rest.

  Mine.

  Of course.

  Please forgive me, I beg Sam, clasping my hands together over my mouth as I speak.

  As if Sam was listening, a light breeze rustles my hair, and my lantern disappears from sight.

  “Thank you all again for coming tonight. We hope you’ll join us bright and early for the race and stick around for the dedication afterwards.” The dean’s voice carries across the open field as people start to make their way back toward the parking lot.

  Mia and Spencer head in our direction, navigating their way through the crowd, as Jay leans down and whispers in my ear.

  “Are we telling people or is this our little secret?” Running the back of his hand down my arm, his fingers tease mine.

  “Are we telling them what? That we screwed each other’s brains out? I don’t think that would be appropriate, do you?”

  A deep rumble bursts from Jay’s chest as Spencer and Mia reach us. Spencer looks between us, his head bobbing back and forth, waiting for one of us to explain what’s so funny.

  “So …” Mia starts, staring at me expectantly.

  “I need a drink,” I state firmly, stepping away from my circle of friends and falling in with the last of the crowd.

  “Riley’s?” Mia asks, sliding up next to me and linking our arms.

  “Unless there’s a new bar in town,” I retort.