A Moment Too Late

by Rachael Brownell

  He turned his car around and headed back here. Straight to Summer’s, where Mia, Spencer, and I were currently celebrating.

  The moment I saw him standing on Summer’s front porch, I knew what I wanted. It was like I could see my future perfectly. Summer must have known what I was thinking because she practically pushed me out the door and into his arms.

  Her blessing meant a lot.

  Sometimes I think it’s what was holding me back from admitting I loved him. Not only to myself but to everyone else. Not that it wasn’t clear to those around us. So, when I finally professed my love, sitting in Jay’s car in from of Summer’s house with “All of Me” playing on the radio, it didn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Not even Jay.

  Shaking my head clear of thoughts of the past, I focus on my present. My future. The man holding me in his arms as our song plays.

  “You’re going to get yourself in trouble if you kiss me like that again.” It’s a clear warning of what he’s stirred deep inside of me. Last time he didn’t heed it, and we ended up sneaking away from our friends at Spence and Mia’s engagement party, locking the bathroom door behind us, and having a quickie on the counter.

  Not that we were stealthy about it. The acoustics in the bathroom gave us away. Or it could have been the smile on Jay’s face. My mused lipstick. His disheveled hair. Take your pick. Spencer and Mia were laughing at us when we rejoined the party.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he says as he leans in only a breath away from my lips.

  My eyes close as I wait for it, the kiss that’s going to steal my resolve. Thoughts of another adventure behind a locked door. When it doesn’t happen, I open my eyes to find Jay down on one knee.

  The music has stopped, the room falling silent around us.

  “I told you he was a genius. You propose on a day you’ll never forget.” He’s smiling up at me as he pops open the lid of the tiny, black box he’s holding in his hands. “I’ve loved you for eight years, since the moment you fell into my arms. I promise to catch you every time you stumble. To be the man you deserve. To love you unconditionally every day for the rest of your life. You own my heart and my soul. You’re my home. Andrea Renee Morris, will be make me the happiest man in the world and be my wife?”

  My mouth opens but no words come out. I’m utterly speechless. When I feel a nudge at my shoulder, I look to see who’s standing behind me but there’s no one even close.

  Sam.

  She’s here. She’s giving me the okay. Urging me to say yes.

  Tears sting my eyes as I nod my head. My gaze never leaves Jay’s as he slips the ring on my hand, quickly standing and pulling me into his arms. When he presses his lips to mine, I can feel every promise he just made me.

  Cheers erupt around us, and when Jay finally releases me, Spencer and Mia are the first in line to congratulate us.

  “Thanks, man,” I hear Jay say to Spence as Mia wraps her arms around me.

  “I’m so happy for you,” she gleefully screeches in my ear.

  “Thank you. I’m sorry he stole the show at your wedding.”

  Of all the places I expected Jay to propose, it wasn’t here. I’ve felt the slow shift in our relationship the last few weeks. I knew it was coming.

  I should have. Every major step we’ve taken since reconnecting last year has happened fast. A month after Ben Royal was arrested, we bought a house in Great Falls and moved in together. Jay quit his government job and joined the police force here while I started a non-profit helping families cope with grief and loss.

  As summer came to an end, we found out we were expecting our first child, due in only a few weeks. A little boy.

  For Christmas, my parents visited Great Falls for the first time ever, thanks to Jay.

  Of all the surprises over the last year, this may have been the biggest of all. We’ve talked about getting married. Eventually. After Sammy, our little boy, is born. When I can walk down the aisle without waddling like a duck.

  Today was not the day I expected him to ask.

  “You think he put this together all by himself?” Mia asks, pulling away and holding me by the shoulders. Vibrant red tendrils frame her face as a sinister smile begins to spread.

  “Y-You kn-knew?” I stutter, looking over her shoulder to where Spencer and Jay are embracing in a man-hug.

  “We all knew. I can’t believe you didn’t suspect anything. Hell, if Spencer had relented, there would’ve been a double wedding today.”

  My mouth is slightly ajar as Jay and Spencer join us, Spence wrapping his arms around Mia’s waist and pulling his bride against his chest. Jay mimics his actions, his warm embrace calming my racing heart.

  Until he leans down and nibbles the lobe of my ear before kissing the sweet spot on the side of my neck. Pregnancy has my hormones running wild, especially the last few weeks. All it takes it the simplest touch, a devious look, and I’m jumping Jay’s bones. It doesn’t matter where we are or who’s around.

  Once my engine is revved, I can’t wait.

  And he knows how to get it purring.

  “I love you,” Jay says, his lips teasing my neck.

  “I love you, too.”

  My body is humming with anticipation the rest of the reception. The urge to leave, to run, is overwhelming. Last year running would have meant away from my friends. Away from Jay, from the feelings I was trying to fight. Now, it means running toward him. This very moment? It means running with him. To the home we share. Where our bed lays unmade thanks to our pre-wedding activities.

  “Ready?” Jay finally asks as Mia and Spencer make their exit.

  They’re off to spend two weeks in paradise. Sunshine, fruity drinks, and white, sandy beaches.

  “I’ve been ready. The question is,” I start as I place my hand in his, giving it a little tug, “can you handle me?”

  “You were put on this Earth for me and only me. I was made to handle whatever you throw at me.”

  “Even if it’s a swollen belly?” I joke as we push through the doors of Riley’s, the chill of the spring night wrapping itself around me, cooling my body instantly.

  Pulling me to a stop and pressing me against the passenger door of our car, Jay leans in close and whispers in my ear, “You’re the most beautiful pregnant woman I’ve ever seen. Knowing there’s a mini version of you growing in there makes you even more beautiful. I’d keep you pregnant the rest of our life together if I thought you’d let me.”

  Laughing, I place my hands on his chest and push but he doesn’t budge.

  “One kid at a time. Not to mention I have a feeling our son is going to be just like his daddy. At least I hope so.”

  “Oh yeah. You want another me in this world?” Jay’s hands travel from my hips, lower and lower until they reach the hem of my skirt, slipping beneath and slowly traveling back upward, toward where I want them the most. Toward the ache I’ve been trying to ignore the last two hours since he proposed in front of the entire town.

  “I take it back,” I say, suddenly breathless as his hands continue their slow climb. “One of you is plenty.”

  Jay’s hands disappear, the passenger door is opening, and I’m being helped in the car before I can register what’s happening.

  “What the hell?” I practically scream at him as he takes his place behind the wheel.

  “Home.” His words are a demand, not a request. “I’m not having sex with my fiancée for the first time in a parking lot.”

  There’s a smile on my face the entire ten-minute drive to the house we share on the outskirts of town knowing the effect I have on him. My smile disappears as we pull into our driveway, hitting the first bump in the dirt, warm liquid soaking my underwear.

  “Jay.” The concern in my voice causes him to slam the brakes, my body jolting forward. Jay’s arm shoots across my chest, stopping me from slamming into the dashboard.

  “What’s wrong?” His words are rushed as he looks me up and down.

  “It’s
time.”

  “Time?” he asks, wrinkling his brow. The moment my words sink in, his eyes go wide. “Now?”

  All I can do is nod my head as Jay throws the car in reverse, backing over the same bump as the first stabbing pain hits low in my back, sending searing pain through my lower region.

  It turns out Sammy does take after me. He was a stubborn child from the moment my water broke. After close to thirty-nine hours of labor, he finally made his appearance. On the sixth anniversary of Sam’s murder. Two and a half weeks ahead of schedule.

  He was perfectly healthy with ten tiny fingers and toes. A head full of dark brown hair that swooped to the side and bright blue eyes. When he smiles, he has a tiny dimple in his left cheek, just like his daddy.

  “How is my handsome nephew today?” Spence asks as he walks through the nursery door.

  Spencer and Mia cut their honeymoon short when they heard Sammy was born. We waited to call them until after he arrived, knowing they would want to jump on a plane and come back. Mia’s wrath at finding out two days after he was born was scary, but the second Sammy was cradled in her arms the anger melted away.

  One shared look with Spencer and I knew what was coming next for them. It took all of two months for her to announce they were pregnant.

  “He’s being a grouch and not wanting to take a nap.”

  Scooping him out of my arms, Spencer blows raspberries on Sammy’s naked belly, causing both of them to giggle.

  “I’ll get him to sleep. Why don’t you visit with Mia for a bit?” His words have a warning tone in them. Mia’s been a temperamental mama since the start of her second trimester. Her moods are as fiery as her hair most days.

  “Good luck,” I say, pushing out of the rocking chair and moving toward the door. I swear I hear Spencer whisper, “You too,” but when I turn around, his eyes are closed and he’s slowly rocking as he holds Sammy against his chest.

  Spencer is going to make an amazing dad. He’s so calming and gentle with Sammy. He can get him to sleep in a matter of minutes when it takes me an hour. I’m happy for the reprieve but also scared of what is waiting for me in my kitchen. I’m praying today is one of Mia’s good days.

  “Hey,” I greet her as I cross the threshold, kissing Jay on the cheek before moving to hug my best friend. “How are you feeling today?”

  “Fine I guess. She was kicking me in the bladder earlier and I pissed myself but otherwise it’s been a good day. I think the morning sickness is finally over.” Mia’s morning sickness lasted all day. Hearing that it’s over is the best news I’ve had in weeks.

  “That’s great. I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

  Taking the seat next to her at the table, she shows me the most recent ultrasound picture. We talk about the nursery and her upcoming baby shower. It’s not long before Spencer and Jay join us at the table, a grim expression on Spencer’s face. Mia sits back, concern consuming her features. When I look to Jay for answers, his lips are pressed together, as if he doesn’t approve of what’s about to happen.

  “What?” I ask, not really wanting to know the answer, the single word slipping out before I can stop myself.

  “The chief released the evidence from Sam’s case since Ben was sentenced last week.”

  “Okayyy,” I say, dragging out the y in confusion. “Why does everyone look like they’re upset with this fact? That’s great. We’ve been waiting a year and a half for him to be sentenced. I’m glad it’s finally over, aren’t you?”

  Looking around the table, the three of them nod in agreement as Spencer slides an envelope across the table toward me. My name is scribbled across the front in handwriting I would recognize anywhere.

  She always dotted her I’s with a heart.

  “What’s this?” I ask, staring at the envelope but not reaching for it.

  “It was in Sam’s apron,” Spencer explains.

  My next breath is audible as I suck it deep in my lungs, holding it for a few beats before slowly releasing it.

  “What’s in it?” I ask, looking at Spencer, but it’s Jay who answers my question.

  “It’s your graduation card.”

  Turning to face my fiancé, I try to decipher the pained expression on his face. He knew about this, kept it from me, more than likely because he didn’t have a choice. Is he concerned I’d be mad at him for that or the fact that he just admitted to opening the card?

  “You should read it, Andi,” Spencer urges. “When you’re ready.”

  Without another word, Spencer and Mia leave. My eyes are glued to the envelope in front of me, to the heart above the I in my name.

  Sam.

  Even after all this time, thinking about her brings tears to my eyes and a pain in my heart. Where I once held guilt for my part in her death, in betraying her, there is now only sorrow for what happened to my friend. For the life that was stolen for her.

  Acceptance healed most of my wounds but not all of them, which is why I now help others manage their grief. We all grieve differently. There are no magic words to help you heal, to manage the pain, to fix a broken heart.

  They say time heals all wounds.

  I say time dulls the pain.

  Until moments like these where something like an envelope with a little heart on it will bring fresh tears to your eyes and grief rears its ugly head.

  Good friends. Family. They all help you heal. Their support is invaluable.

  If it weren’t for Jay, Spencer, and Mia, I wouldn’t be where I am today. But most of all, I have Summer to thank. Without her love and forgiveness, none of us would have been able to look at ourselves in the mirror. She really helped us see what happened for what it was.

  Fate.

  Because according to Sam, everything happens for a reason. That encompasses all things in life. From me silently loving Jay all those years to Ben Royal losing his shit and killing her that night.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “I’m right here if you want me to open it with you,” Jay offers, sliding into the seat next to me.

  “Why was this in her apron? Graduation was a month away.”

  “There was one in there for me, too.” My head whips in his direction at his confession. “Which is why I think you should open yours. If it says what I think it says, you’ll feel better after reading what she wrote. I promise.”

  After a few deep breaths, I reach for the envelope, turning it over in my hands a few times before lifting the flap. Jay’s chair scrapes against the floor as he pushes away from the table. I place my hand on his leg as he stands, and when he looks down at me and our eyes meet, he reads the message my heart is sending him.

  Sitting back down, he scoots his chair closer, wraps his arm around my shoulders, and pulls me close. Leaning my head against his chest, I pull the card from the confines of the once bright yellow envelope. It’s a standard congratulations card for a college graduate. A mortarboard and tassel are on the front, the word ‘Congratulations’ in colorful letters across the top of the card.

  As I open it, my eyes forgo the card’s print and instead focus on Sam’s handwriting.

  Andi,

  You are the greatest friend a girl could ask for and I’m proud to call you my bestie. I know you’re leaving me and starting the next chapter of your life, but I think there’s something I need to confess before you go.

  I’m a horribly selfish friend. I should have been honest with you the second I realized the truth. Instead, I let the sting of pain consume me. If I was miserable, everyone needed to be. But that ends now. None of this is your fault, or Jay’s. It’s mine. For holding on to him when it was obvious I needed to let him go. For keeping you two apart when we all know you were meant to be together.

  I love you both and all I want is for you to be happy.

  If you love him, the way I think you do, the way I know he loves you, know that the next move is yours. Be together. Be happy. Start the next chapter of your life with him. Don’t run away from how you feel the way you�
�ve been doing all these years. You deserve this.

  One day I can only hope to find the kind of love that I see you two have for one another.

  Your best friend, forever and always, no matter what …

  Sam

  Tears are freely streaming down my face as I close the card, pulling it to my chest and hugging it tight.

  “She knew,” I whisper.

  “I know.” Jay runs his hand up and down my back as the tears continue to fall.

  “She never said a word. She could have thrown it in our faces. Called us out, but she didn’t. Why? Why did she stand back and watch in silence? Why didn’t she confront us?”

  “I have no idea, but if I had to guess, she was probably trying to figure that out for herself.”

  “How long do you think?”

  “How long what?” he asks as I sit up so I can assess his reaction.

  “When did she figure it out? Weeks before this? Months? Years?”

  My mind frantically tries to recall any indication of Sam knowing. Of her questioning the situation. All I can think about is the summer before senior year. All the trips she planned and tried to back out of, urging us to go without her.

  “My best guess would be she was suspicious from the start, but New Year’s Eve could have been when she confirmed her suspicions. After you left, I couldn’t go to bed. I was wired, I wanted to chase after you. Kiss you again. Make you see that we were meant for each other. When I finally went upstairs, Sam was wide awake. She was just sitting there, knees pulled to her chest, crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she just shook her head and cried harder.

  “If she saw us kiss, she never said anything. After that, we both pulled away from her, from each other. Then she was gone. Life is a bit blurry after that, but the one thing I do remember is the expression on her face the night before I left for vacation. It always felt like she was saying good-bye to me. I brushed it off as a figment of my imagination because she died, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. She wrote these while we were gone.”