By My Side

by Grant C. Holland

  Derek ran their conversation of just minutes ago over in his mind and something stuck in his head. Yale said, “Don’t make me fuck up taking care of you like I do everything else.” Does he really think he fucks up everything?

  Closing his eyes, Derek tried to fall back asleep, but Yale’s voice making the comment came back to him again. He heard it in his head being said over and over. He wondered just how harsh and difficult it must be for Yale living and thinking such a negative thing about himself. When he thought about all of the negative recent events from loss of the factory job to the eviction notice, Derek knew there was a phenomenon known as self-fulfilling prophecy.

  Derek thought about Yale living alone in that damn trailer for so long thinking he was a total fuck-up when it was the factory that shut down and broke the relationship with its workers, not the other way around. He remembered Yale talking about so many things that went badly in his life, and he was always blaming himself. Yale did that even when it was obvious that someone or something else beyond his control was involved.

  So far, the bookstore was doing very well. Derek looked at the sales records, and they were on an upward track. The sales were flat when Derek first took over, but there was a clear bump that started the first day Yale stepped behind the counter. The change was even easier to see since Yale was keeping clearer and more thorough records complete with graphs.

  Derek smiled to himself thinking about some of the logical things Yale had tackled already in the bookstore. Yale asked Derek questions like, “Did you think these light bulbs were going to magically change themselves?” and made comments like, “Three month out of date magazines probably aren’t going to sell.” Then he quietly set about taking care of the problem without another word.

  Yale was great with the customers, too. Some of them were now coming in just to have a quick conversation with Yale. He was personable, and Derek knew that he was also pretty easy on the eyes.

  Derek rolled over on to his back when he heard the slap slap of Yale’s big feet again. He was coming to check on his patient. Derek smiled up at him and said, “Good to see you doc. I’m feeling a lot better.”

  Yale answered, “We’ll see about that. I’m starting to think that maybe I should run down to the drug store and get a thermometer.” He reached the back of his hand down to Derek’s forehead. “Oh, this isn’t nearly as bad as it was earlier. Maybe you are getting better.”

  Derek grinned and pushed himself up to a sitting position. He patted the side of the bed and said, “Yale, would you sit down here for a minute?”

  Yale said, “Sure, what’s up?” He seated himself on the edge of the bed and smiled.

  “You said something earlier when we were talking.”

  “Something bad?” asked Yale. His brow instantly furrowed.

  Derek placed a hand on Yale’s knee and said, “It wasn’t very good, but it wasn’t about me. You said it about yourself.”

  Yale nodded. “Well, things haven’t been exactly peachy in my life for awhile. I do get a little down every now and then. It can be hard.”

  “It was how you said it, too, Yale. Do you even know what it was?”

  Shrugging, Yale said, “No, I don’t think so, but it doesn’t surprise me that I said something. Jess tells me that I say a lot of negative things about myself. She said she’s going to have Baker slap me silly some day.”

  “What I remember you saying was, ‘Don’t make me fuck up taking care of you like I do everything else.’”

  Yale lowered his head. He whispered, “I was just a little frustrated. I want you to get well, Derek. I feel a little bad that I didn’t see it coming.”

  Derek asked, “But do you really think that about yourself? Do you really think that you fuck up everything?” Derek already knew the answer in his gut, and it was making a painful lump form in his throat for his best friend.

  Yale whispered in an even softer voice, “Yeah, sometimes.” Then he raised the volume slightly as he added, “I mean look at my life, Derek. It’s one fuck up after another. Just when I think I’ve hit the bottom, some more shit happens.”

  With Yale hanging his head, Derek thought it looked like he was carrying fifty pound weights on his shoulders.

  Derek started to protest Yale’s conclusions. He said, “But look, so many of the situations aren’t just you. Some of them have nothing to do with you at all. You didn’t send that factory out of the country. That trailer didn’t look so bad when you first rented it, but that scam artist of a landlord just put lipstick on a pig…”

  Yale said, “I don’t know. Sometimes I really do think I’m just a total fuck-up. My family agrees. I can see it in their eyes even when they don’t say it. They are all doing fine, but they know that I’m not.”

  Derek could hear the tears starting to rise behind the voice. He couldn’t bear to see Yale that way. He reached out and put his hands on either side of Yale’s face. He pulled his friend close and looked deep into his eyes. Yale blinked but he kept his eyes open. Derek said calmly and quietly, “You aren’t a fuck-up Yale.”

  Yale started to say, “But…,” and Derek pulled his face closer until their lips were pressed together. Derek drowned Yale’s words in an intimate kiss.

  13

  Yale

  Yale was shocked. Derek’s lips were pressed firmly against his own. They were kissing. At first, he couldn’t remember ever kissing Derek before. Then he remembered that one time in high school. They were talking about the right way to kiss a guy, and they didn’t agree with each other. So they agreed to try it with each other as a demonstration. The experience was so incredibly awkward that they never talked about kissing again.

  This time it was different. Derek kissed him with feeling. There was real passion behind the kiss. The tips of their tongues touched. The touch was like a sharp burst of electricity to Yale’s cock. It gave him a jolt like he had never experienced.

  Derek pulled back from the kiss momentarily and stared into Yale’s eyes. Then he leaned forward and kissed Yale again. This time he reached a hand out and wrapped it behind Yale’s neck sliding his fingers up over Yale’s short, buzzed hair.

  The kisses felt amazing. They were incredible. Yale kissed his fair share of guys in the past, but he never kissed one like Derek. Yale moaned softly, and then he was worried the sound might make Derek stop.

  It didn’t. Derek kissed even harder. He sucked on Yale’s tongue sending electric sensations to Yale’s toes.

  Then Derek pulled back the sheets on the bed and tugged on Yale until Yale straddled his body. Thinking that he should say something, Yale started to speak. Derek held a finger to Yale’s lips and said “Shhh.” Then he leaned forward to kiss even more.

  Yale reached out to touch Derek’s body for the first time in his life like he always wanted to touch it. He loved hugs and the playful tugs on each other’s elbows and shoulders, but Yale wanted to rub his fingers and palms over Derek’s chest and abs. He wanted to knead at Derek’s thighs.

  Derek pulled back briefly from the kisses and tugged his T-Shirt up over his head and off.

  Yale’s breath caught in his throat when he looked down at the hairy trail heading down Derek’s abs and knew that now he could touch it. He could even kiss it.

  Yale started to ask, “Are you…” Derek put a finger to his lips again. Yale decided that he was being given the freedom to do whatever felt good. He stopped trying to ask questions. Instead he slipped over to Derek’s side and slid down in the bed until he was kissing Derek’s chest and his hands were roaming at will. Derek wrapped an arm around Yale’s shoulders and pulled him even closer.

  Derek slipped his other hand down and massaged his own cock and balls through his jeans while Yale sucked eagerly on a nipple. Both Derek and Yale moaned loudly as years of pent-up desire and passion were now pouring out like floodwater over a breached dam.

  Opening one eye, Yale watched Derek’s hand transfixed. He reached out and wrapped his fingers over Derek’s. He let g
o briefly to allow Derek to pull his hand back and then Yale unzipped the jeans. He couldn’t believe that he was touching Derek this way. He reached his fingers inside the jeans. Only a thin layer of cotton was left between his fingers and Derek’s thick, throbbing cock.

  All those years they laughed with each other about what made them hard. They talked about the guys that turned them on. Yale knew that no other man had ever turned him on like Derek.

  Derek pushed his own jeans down over his ass and his thighs. With the other hand he guided Yale’s kisses down the center of his abs.

  When he was honest with himself, in the middle of the night, Yale knew that he wanted Derek’s body since sometime in high school. He stared at Derek’s crotch way too many times. He saw Derek’s cock multiple times, but he never had the opportunity to touch it. That would have been weird between friends.

  Yale never got close to getting to do what he really wanted to do with it. He wanted to suck it. He wanted to taste it. He wanted to stroke it and make it cum. He wanted to make Derek cum. He wanted to hear, feel, and taste Derek when he exploded in the grip of an earth-shattering organism. Most of all, he wanted Derek inside his own body.

  Derek tugged at his underwear, and there it was. Yale swallowed hard. Derek’s cock popped free and lay thick and hard against his abs. Yale couldn’t believe that he was going to be able to suck it at last.

  He continued to kiss his way down Derek’s abs and then darted his tongue forward to just barely touch the head of the cock. It jumped, and Yale gasped. He heard a slight laugh from Derek and then darted his tongue forward again. This time he lapped at the head. At long last he was tasting Derek and he tasted good. It was everything that he imagined for so many years and so much more.

  Derek exerted light pressure on Yale’s head forcing his mouth on to the cock. Yale responded by sucking lightly and reaching out to take the base of Derek’s cock firmly in his fingers. He gripped it tight, pointed it upward, and began to suck.

  Whispering, “Yes,” Derek arched upward raising his ass off the bed. Yale sucked harder flattening his tongue against the underside. He let the cock slip deeper into his mouth and throat. He knew that he would soon gag, but that was one of the hottest things about a good blow job. He sucked harder and bobbed his head gently forward and back.

  The head of Derek’s cock hit the back of his throat and Yale coughed. He gagged and had to pull back briefly. Then he pushed forward and let himself gag again while holding the cock in his throat. The reflex soon started to subside. It was now time to work on making Derek cum.

  Yale started to stroke the base of Derek’s cock while he sucked in his cheeks and slowly bobbed forward and back with his lips and tongue. He swallowed hard when the cock head was in the back of his throat to massage it with his strong throat muscles.

  Derek threw his head back and let loose a long, low, guttural moan. Yale felt like he had been waiting his entire life to hear a sound like that from Derek. He stroked faster and sucked harder. Derek whispered, “Fuck, Yale, I’m gonna cum…”

  Yale grinned to himself and kept up the stroking and sucking. He was relentless, and he was hungry for an explosive load.

  That’s when it came. Derek arched his ass off the bed again and yelled out in wordless tones. Yale felt the warm shots of sticky cum hit the back of his throat. He coughed again but then did his best to swallow it all. He didn’t want to lose any of it. He slowly sucked at the cock until he knew that the last drops had landed on his tongue. He reached one hand up to Derek’s strong, now sweaty, chest while he slowly pulled his mouth off the cock.

  Yale gazed up into Derek’s eyes. They were glassy and unfocused for the moment. Then Derek lowered his chin and stared straight back at Yale. He only said the one word, “Fuck,” and Yale laughed.

  Yale pushed himself forward on the bed until he could rest his head on Derek’s shoulder. It was the best place in the world to be at the moment. Nothing ever felt better.

  Derek whispered, “You didn’t cum.”

  Yale kissed the nearest nipple and said, “It’s not important…this time.” Yale felt like a kid on Christmas morning who had been given the best possible gift ever. There was joy both in getting to unwrap it and in getting to play with it. He raised his head and kissed Derek’s neck, too.

  Derek whispered, “You are fucking amazing, Yale. That’s all I can say right now.”

  Yale reached a single finger up to Derek’s lips and giggled. He said, “Don’t talk.”

  Then Yale draped his strong muscular body over Derek and kissed the opposite side of Derek’s neck. His entire body tasted and smelled good. Even the lips that tasted slightly of chicken noodle soup. Yale slipped his hand down to Derek’s waist again and then he wrapped his fingers around the cock. It almost instantly grew hard again in his grip. “You like my fingers,” whispered Yale.

  Derek said, “I think I like everything about you.”

  14

  Derek

  Derek really did like everything about Yale. Even when Yale was down and out. He liked the complete honesty and openness. He liked Yale’s incredible ability to just keep going even when life threw horrible things his way. Derek knew that the kind of disappointments that Yale had faced would make him want to just curl up into a ball and give up.

  But now Derek felt awkward. He initiated sex with his best friend without asking. What if Yale didn’t really want to have sex? He usually just followed wherever Derek led. Maybe he thought he didn’t have any choice. Derek didn’t give him the chance to say no.

  Derek looked down and saw Yale resting on his chest. Yale’s breathing was growing slow and deep. Soon it was obvious he was asleep. Derek thought that he must have at least enjoyed it somewhat or he wouldn’t be sleeping so comfortably, but Yale didn’t say, “Thank you,” or “I loved that.” Derek felt like kicking himself when he thought about selfishly having an orgasm and then not making Yale cum, too.

  Yale said that it was okay, but Yale always said that everything Derek did was okay. Derek bit his lip while he listened to the voices and opinions that were fighting in his head. He guessed that it was what he deserved to get when he had unplanned sex with his best friend. He gently stroked Yale’s bare shoulders and then decided that he needed to go home.

  There was a book waiting there that he needed to finish.

  He whispered, “Yale, I need to go. I’ve got to get some work done.”

  Yale moaned softly in response and closed his fingers around the side of Derek’s torso.

  Derek whispered, “No, seriously I’ve got to go and finish that book. My laptop is at home.”

  He slowly pried Yale’s fingers free and slipped out of the side of the bed. Yale’s eyes were closed, but Derek wasn’t sure if Yale was asleep. He didn’t really feel like he wanted to face a conversation about what they had just done, so he didn’t say anything more.

  Derek pulled on his underwear and then jeans and T-Shirt. He reached down and tugged the sneakers on to each of his feet. He said, “I’ll see you at the bookstore Yale.” Then he whispered so softly to himself that he was sure Yale couldn’t hear. He said, “God, you’re so handsome, and you’re such a good man.”

  * * *

  For his entire drive home, Derek wasn’t sure that he made the right decision in leaving Yale’s apartment. He worried that it would look rude and crass after they had sex for the first time. Maybe it was rude, but they couldn’t really have a relationship, could they? They were best friends, not lovers. Derek couldn’t imagine a world without Yale as his best friend. Being lovers could tear all of that apart. Yale was the one person in his life that he could not afford to lose.

  Derek stopped at the grocery store on the way home. For the first time in weeks he bought the basics — milk, bread, lunchmeat, bananas, and he bought other extras, too, so that he could do some cooking. Derek scouted out the produce on sale. He selected the best individual fruits and vegetables. He liked to buy what was seasonal and then figure out the sp
ecific dishes to make when he got home with it.

  That evening Derek settled in with his laptop computer, and the last three chapters of his Houston Brant novel came quickly. With one more day of going through the entire novel and tidying things up, it would be ready to be shipped off to the editor. Derek smiled at the screen before pulling himself away to go to bed.

  Slipping between the sheets, Derek’s thoughts drifted back to Yale. Suddenly his gut twisted into a knot. He knew that leaving Yale’s apartment so abruptly was the wrong thing to do. It was just wrong. Yale was his best friend.

  * * *

  Time together at the bookstore became awkward and uncomfortable. Being in Yale’s presence never felt like that in the past. Even the time they were caught skipping school to go swimming in the Cove and Yale was suspended for a week while Derek just got a slap on the wrist and was told never to do it again. Even then, they picked up where everything left off before as soon as Yale was back in school.

  Derek tried to think of something to say, but Yale just dove into work and pretended like nothing happened. He was doing even more tidying up of the bookstore and started a systematic program of looking at bestsellers to try and figure out the best inventory to have in the store.

  Derek asked if Yale was okay, and the only response he got was, “I’m fine.” Then Yale was off to a different part of the store to do something else. He was really turning the bookstore around, and he was doing it in record time.

  When Tuesday rolled around, Derek asked Yale if he wanted to go see a movie or hang out at Derek’s place and binge watch a show on TV. Yale backed out saying that he was tired, and he needed to get to bed early. He said that he had been filling in some extra shifts for Jess at the diner, and he wanted to get enough sleep to be on his toes while at the bookstore. Tuesday night plans would have to be put on hold for awhile.