Always and Forever at Glendale Hall

by Victoria Walters

  ‘I get that, and I do it too,’ she said with a nod. ‘Sometimes, though, if it’s important, you do need to think about it and maybe if you talked it through the solution to whatever the problem is might be simpler than you think, you know?’

  I couldn’t think of a time when I’d told anyone my problems. Not since that therapist when I was a teenager. I wondered what she’d say if I told her that last night I’d almost got in a car with someone who was drunk and that I’d sat up most of the night panicking about it, remembering the moment that the car plunged into us when I was thirteen, the searing pain and the blackness that followed. How I felt guilty to this day that someone else died that day, and not me? How I felt like the accident was all my fault? That it felt like there had been a mistake in me surviving it. How could I say those words aloud to her, to anyone? Who could ever understand? ‘I’ll keep that in mind,’ I fake-promised, standing up. ‘I’d better run back now. Dinner will be ready soon. Thanks Emily for this.’ I gestured to the table but I meant more, and she knew it.

  Emily smiled warmly. ‘You’re very welcome. Good luck for the weekend. I’m sure I’ll see you soon to hear all about it.’

  I thanked her and left the bakery but instead of running back, I walked, and took in a few deep breaths, wishing it was as easy to exhale out the past as it was oxygen.

  Chapter Fourteen

  A summer storm greeted me when I woke up the next day. Rain thrashed against my window, and lightning dazzled the sky. I sat on the window seat watching it for a while. I had slept better as I had been so exhausted and I felt that familiar come-down after a day where I’d pushed myself. My legs were a bit achy and I didn’t want to hurry downstairs to start the day. I’d enjoyed watching the rain too. There was something calming, something safe almost, about watching the rain pouring down outside while you were dry and warm inside. Thunder rumbled gently in the distance. I wouldn’t be running today, it looked like.

  Turning on a calming Spotify playlist on my phone, I decided to do some yoga before breakfast. This was again something that had been recommended to me to build strength and to help me relax too. I had nightmares after the accident and struggled to sleep, something that plagued me on and off still, so I had kept yoga up and it did help. Emily had been right. After pushing away all my thoughts and problems yesterday, I felt weary. I sat cross-legged on the floor and closed my eyes. The music mingled with the rain allowed me to just breathe for a few minutes, stretching out my limbs gently, and trying to summon some peace into my body and mind. And soul too, I supposed. It wasn’t easy for me.

  I knew I needed to let go of my anger with myself for not thinking clearly back at the pub. But it was so hard. What if Adam had crashed? I’d already lived through one horrific accident. I’d already seen how much hurt and pain it could cause. And loss of life too. I tried not to think about the driver of the other car but how could I not? I had lived but he hadn’t. And I didn’t think I’d ever let go of my guilt about that.

  But I hadn’t got into the car. No one had been hurt this time. And I felt so relieved about it. And grateful to Cameron for stopping us. I also felt so ashamed of how close a call it had been. I knew that I’d let myself drink too much. I didn’t like it when I lost track of myself and my judgement went out of the window. It was too easy sometimes to use drink as a way to drown out my restlessness but I had gone too far. That happened too much for me to like to admit. Especially lately.

  Whatever I did, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing. I had been moving for so long that standing still felt impossible but, increasingly, I knew that moving wasn’t working like it once had. I couldn’t quieten my mind as well. I couldn’t push away the past as much as I had once been able to.

  I felt more lost than I ever had.

  What should I do? I had no idea but I knew I had to do something, and soon. Otherwise it seemed like I could lose myself for good.

  I thought about when I had first felt the restlessness inside me. Deep down, like an itch that I could never quite scratch. It was after I had recovered physically from my accident. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel whole again. I started to not enjoy things as I once had. Like school. Hanging out with my friends. I felt like I didn’t know how to live as I had before. Nothing seemed to bring me happiness like it once had. And the guilt of carrying on with my life as I had before had been too much to bear.

  When my parents started talking about university, I hated the idea but I saw it as a way to escape. I thought that would be the answer. That I needed to go somewhere new. Where no one knew about the accident, and then maybe I could forget it. Well, move past it at least. But it hadn’t really worked. So I’d ended up leaving after a year to go travelling, thinking that it was just studying that wasn’t for me.

  But the restless itch, the guilt, and the fear all just followed me wherever I went.

  ‘Why can’t you settle anywhere?’ Brodie had asked me not long after he had become a minister. He was filled with purpose. Whereas I still felt as if I had none.

  ‘Why should I settle? I’m young, free, and single,’ I had answered him flippantly but his words had worried me. Was there something wrong with me? Why did I always need to keep moving, why did nowhere make me feel like I wanted to stay? Why did I feel as if I didn’t belong anywhere?

  I turned off my music as I finished my final stretch. I needed to start the day, as much as I really didn’t feel like it. I was scared that the accident had changed me forever. That I’d never settle, never find a place to call home, but the thought that scared me most was that I’d never be happy.

  Because I couldn’t shake the feeling that I really didn’t deserve to be.

  I couldn’t tell my family. I couldn’t tell anyone. So, I carried on running from myself.

  But I was tired of running. Just once, I wanted to be still. To have what everyone else seemed to find so easy.

  The problem was, I had no idea where to even start.

  * * *

  Beth asked me to help Izzy after breakfast – she had given her a small room on the ground floor, which was currently used for storage, because she had always wanted a library. It wasn’t anywhere near big enough to be a library but she wanted to turn it into a reading room and it gave her a summer project. I knew Beth would have preferred her to be out in the garden but I quite liked that Izzy knew what she wanted to do. And, actually, I think Beth did too.

  ‘Luke is coming to help us in a bit,’ she said when I found her in the room, which was opposite her mother’s office. ‘My friend, he lives in the village and helps out at Fraser Farm,’ she explained when I looked blankly at her.

  ‘Friend or boyfriend?’ I asked with a smile.

  ‘A friend! I’m never going to date, there’s too many other things to do. We just both really like books so we have a lot in common.’ I had to hide a laugh. She was funny, sometimes such a grown up and then other times a kid again. ‘He’s two years older than me but doesn’t act like it.’

  ‘I don’t think that ever changes,’ I commented. I stood in the doorway and surveyed the room. ‘Where are we going to put all this?’ The room was piled with junk, basically.

  ‘Mum said anything we need to keep can go in the attic, anything else we either give to the charity shop or she can hire a skip and get rid of it. She said to pile it up and she’ll check it, and then I can decorate the room.’ She knelt down in front of a pile of boxes. ‘I definitely need a wall of bookcases, a comfy armchair and lots of fairy lights.’

  I joined her on the floor and started to look at a different pile. The room was small and dusty but we’d flung the window open wide. I could see how it could become a cosy reading room for her. ‘Sounds good. Where did you get the idea from?’

  ‘The common room in Harry Potter,’ she said, matter-of-factly. She turned to me. ‘Your hair is so cool. I hate mine sometimes.’ She fingered her long, thick auburn hair.

  ‘It’s a gorgeo
us colour. But when you’re older, you can try different things if you want. I like changing my look up, it’s fun.’ I supposed that was part of my restlessness too. I liked to try out new things even if it was just a new hair style.

  She sighed. ‘I hate the expression “when you’re older”.’

  I laughed. ‘I used to hate it too. And did a lot of things before I should have because of it.’

  ‘Like what?’ she asked, coughing as she shook out a dusty rolled-up rug.

  I was saved from having to answer her by the appearance of Luke – he was a skinny, lanky teenager, all awkward limbs, but he had a nice smile and his eyes lit up when he saw Izzy. ‘This room is perfect,’ he declared, taking it in.

  ‘Isn’t it? Here, take these outside ready for Mum to check. I don’t think we want to keep any of it,’ Izzy said, handing him a big box. She had definitely inherited bossiness from Beth. ‘Mum said you’re only staying for the summer,’ she said once he’d staggered off with the box. ‘How come? We really need someone here full time. Look at this.’ She showed me the line of thick dust on the windowsill.

  ‘I’ve got a flight booked to get some sun, I don’t like staying in one place too long,’ I said as I flicked through an old photo album. I recognised Caroline when she was younger with Beth as a baby. Definitely something to keep, so I added it to that pile.

  ‘Why not?’ She smiled as her cat Ginny walked in to see what we were up to, reaching down to stroke her.

  I glanced at her as she looked at me curiously. She liked to ask questions, this kid. ‘I get bored, I suppose. I want to try all different things and see different places.’

  ‘But what if you find somewhere you really love?’

  ‘Hasn’t happened yet,’ I replied. I held up a vintage lamp. ‘This could work in here.’

  ‘Ooh, I love it!’

  Luke returned then and we made good progress sorting until Beth found us and told us all to wash up for lunch. ‘You’re staying too, Luke?’ Beth asked him.

  ‘If that’s okay?’

  ‘Of course. Drew can drive you home later. This room is actually looking clearer already,’ she said with a smile. ‘What you’re willing to do for books, eh, Iz?’ She threw me a grin before she left us.

  ‘I’m so jealous that you’re going to have a reading room,’ Luke said to Izzy as I stood up, brushing the dust off my knees.

  ‘You can come and read here whenever you like,’ she replied. He broke into a huge grin.

  ‘You two are so cute,’ I found myself saying like I was their grandmother or something. Luke’s cheeks turned bright pink as Izzy rolled her eyes. I took that as my cue to leave, chuckling under my breath.

  I thought about Izzy asking me what I’d done when I was younger. I remembered the first boy I’d liked. He was older and could drive, something that had impressed me so much I’d lost my virginity to him just before my sixteenth birthday. He had been eighteen and had seemed so cool to me, but afterwards he’d acted like he didn’t even know who I was. I cried myself to sleep then told myself I’d never let a boy do that to me again. I’d always be the one who left them, and not the other way around. Keep it casual and you wouldn’t get hurt.

  But something about Izzy and Luke made me feel a little pang for my teenage self who had never had a sweet boy to take that first step with.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Despite feeling like I’d only just arrived at Glendale Hall, I was already leaving it. Beth drove me to Hilltop Farm late that afternoon as she would need her car for the weekend. I wasn’t sure I liked the idea of being stuck on an isolated farm with no means of escape but I tried to just think of the money Heather was going to give me for doing this. Money that I could use in Ibiza, which felt very far away just now.

  It was a cloudy day, which I hoped wouldn’t stop the Instagram reviewer from enjoying the weekend. It was meant to brighten up tomorrow at least and Heather had promised to join us for dinner, which I was relieved about. It would be the first time I’d been alone with Cameron since he stopped me getting into Adam’s car, and I was nervous about it.

  ‘I need to finalise the plans for the first Glendale wedding this year,’ Beth chatted as she drove. ‘I hope I haven’t forgotten anything. I enjoy wedding planning but it’s a responsibility having someone’s most special day in your hands.’ She glanced at me. ‘I might get you to check over their menu for me. I hope everything goes well this weekend. I think Heather’s very nervous about it.’

  ‘It’ll be fine, I’m sure. I mean, I know I’m only doing the food but from what I’ve seen of Heather, she likes to make things perfect.’

  ‘She’s such a worrier, bless her. But Hilltop is a lovely setting. And Cameron runs the farm like a tight ship so it will all be fine. Right, here we are.’ She turned off the winding country lane down a bumpy gravel track that I would have just driven straight past. We could see the farmhouse then. It was set low in the valley, hills rising up around it, woods behind it – a white stone building that looked really old to me. We drove past a big green and gold welcome sign and Beth parked outside the farmhouse. Heather hurried out to greet us with a wave. She looked smarter than I’d seen her before, in navy city shorts and a blouse and neutral sandals. I had put on dark jeans, a white shirt, which was pretty smart for me, so I was glad I’d made the effort. I climbed out of the car, grabbing the bag of my things out of the back.

  ‘You look great,’ Beth told Heather as she jumped out of her car.

  ‘Thank you, she’ll be here soon – I thought I should be here to welcome her. Shall we get you settled in, Anna? Oh good, Cameron’s coming over.’ She gestured to where Cameron had appeared through the trees. He too looked as if he’d made more effort than usual, wearing trousers and a shirt, not the jeans and plaid shirt I’d seen him wear so far. He gave the three of us a curt nod. I smiled but he didn’t look in my direction.

  ‘I’ll let you all get on then. And it’ll be fabulous guys, I know it!’ Beth gave Heather a warm hug then rubbed my arm before getting back in her car with a cheerful wave.

  ‘Right, let’s show you where you’re staying. Hey, Cameron, can you take Anna up to her room? I’d better stay here in case Chloe is a bit early.’

  ‘Right.’ Cameron walked quickly inside. I hurried after him into the farmhouse. The ceiling was low and beamed, and the floor was stone. Heather had made it feel cosy and homely with the original fireplaces restored, wild flowers in vases dotted around, and faux fur rugs on the wooden floors.

  Cameron led me upstairs in silence, showing me to a room that faced the front, standing back to let me go inside as if he was scared to be in there with me. It was a sweet room with a four-poster bed and en-suite bathroom, decorated in cream and plum with another vase of flowers on the bedside table and an ornate free-standing mirror in the corner. ‘This is pretty,’ I said, putting my bag down on the floor. It was even quieter out here than at the Hall, if that was possible. I couldn’t hear anything but the sound of us breathing. It felt so awkward but I took a deep breath: I had to clear the air. We would be together the whole weekend. ‘Listen, Cameron, I just wanted to say thank you again for the other night, I wasn’t thinking clearly and—’

  ‘It’s fine,’ he cut across me. ‘I’ll show you where Chloe will be.’ He strode briskly across the landing. I frowned, following him. This guy really didn’t ever give me a break.

  Her room was the main suite, bigger and grander than mine but it still had a comfortable, homely feel, fitting in with the old farmhouse. Heather had done a good job, I thought. ‘She’ll love it.’

  He nodded. ‘I live in the cottage through the trees,’ Cameron said, pointing outside. ‘If you both need anything over the weekend.’ He looked at me once then away. I was reminded of the disappointment in those eyes when he’d stopped me getting in the car with Adam and I decided I was happy for him not to look directly at me again. I asked him to take me to the kitchen, which he did, leaving me alone in there quickly to see if Chloe
had arrived or not. I sighed when he left. I’d tried to clear the air but he hadn’t wanted to so I’d have to leave it there and hope we could avoid one another as much as possible while I was here.

  Turning around, my frustration melted as I took in the room. Unlike the rest of the farmhouse, the kitchen was brand new.

  ‘What do you think?’ Heather said, walking in. ‘I wanted to keep everything else original, in line with when the farmhouse was built back in the seventeenth century, but the kitchen was in such a state, it needed completely gutting. I thought it was better to focus on making it a place to create great food. I want to offer cookery classes in the future so it would work for that and if I do decide to hire a chef for retreats in the future, it has everything they’ll need. Right?’

  I smiled as I ran my hand across the shiny counter. ‘It’s perfect.’ There was an island, which I would want if I ever designed my own kitchen, a double sink, a huge double cooker, an American-style fridge, and everything was white and stainless steel. The floor was black-and-white tiles, and there was a shelf above the counter lined with different oils and spices in fancy jars. ‘I can’t wait to cook in here!’

  She clapped her hands in delight. ‘I’m so pleased. I’ve put all the ingredients you wanted away so it’s all here and—’

  ‘Here’s Don!’ Cameron called out from the hallway, interrupting her.

  Heather’s mouth dropped open. ‘Eeek! Well, here we go then.’ She looked mildly panicked so I gave her a reassuring smile and followed her outside, where Heather’s dad pulled up in his car and out stepped Chloe. She was exactly like her Instagram pictures – pretty and blonde with long legs in denim shorts, a golden tan, and perfect glossy lips. I couldn’t help but glance at Cameron to see his reaction, but his expression was unreadable as usual. Don lifted out a huge silver suitcase from the boot as Chloe walked over to us, lifting her sunglasses to the top of her head as she smiled brightly.