Always and Forever at Glendale Hall

by Victoria Walters

  ‘I don’t want to feel guilty anymore, but I don’t know how to stop.’

  We stared at one another. How did two broken people begin to help one another? Maybe it was just impossible.

  ‘Do you want me to go?’ I asked him then.

  ‘Yes and no. Do you want to go?’

  I smiled thinly. ‘Yes and no.’

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Cameron offered me a cup of tea. It felt kind of mundane after what we’d talked about but I agreed and when he asked me if I was hungry, I realised I was so he made us crumpets with butter and jam. It was a warm afternoon so we took it all outside behind his cabin where there was a wooden table and two chairs, the sun shining through the gaps in the trees. All I could hear was birdsong again. It really was completely isolated out here but it was peaceful and we sat in silence for a while as we ate and drank and just breathed it in. I could see why he liked living out here. It was calming for the soul.

  ‘When did you start moving from place to place?’ Cameron asked, breaking the silence.

  ‘It started with uni. The only reason I went really was so I could leave home. I felt trapped there, I think. I couldn’t talk to my family about how I felt. Brodie said they didn’t want to upset me by mentioning the accident but I thought it was because they blamed me for it. I had to get away from all that guilt and silence, you know? I needed freedom. So, I went to uni but I felt trapped there too so I left after just a year. Then I went travelling and I just kept on moving. I always feel so restless. I can’t settle. I’m always thinking about where to go or what to do next.’

  ‘And there’s never been anything or anyone that’s made you want to stay somewhere?’

  I took a sip of tea. ‘No, not yet. Although I look at Brodie and Emily and I do feel envious. They seem so contented. I want that but I don’t know how to feel that way. I worry sometimes that it’s just not in me to be, well, happy, I suppose, like it is for other people.’

  Cameron shook his head. ‘Of course it is. What about when you cook or when you play the guitar? I’ve seen the smile on your face that they bring. You look full of joy.’

  I smiled. ‘That’s a lovely way to put it.’ This quiet man had a way with words. ‘I suppose you’re right. They do.’

  ‘Then you should do them more.’

  ‘What about you? What brings you joy?’

  ‘At first, when I took the job here, it was because I wanted to be away from people and the world as much as possible. I couldn’t face travelling without Kirsty so I came back to Glendale and when Heather and Rory offered me this job, it was perfect. But I found I do genuinely love it here. The peace and quiet. The hard work. Even the people coming to stay. I want people to know how wonderful it is out here. I like being with nature. But I also feel guilty. Like maybe I should be doing more. For Kirsty. Maybe I should do what she wanted to do with her life because she can’t, does that makes sense?’

  I smiled. ‘You wish you did more, and I wish I did less. But I don’t think there’s a right way to live. You’re right, though, about finding things that make you happy. And I think we both need to learn that it’s okay for us to be happy.’

  ‘Not easy, is it?’

  I shook my head. ‘Not easy at all.’

  ‘It’s like my Uncle Angus. He loved this girl once. Was going to leave Glendale and marry her but she passed away and then he got stuck. Stuck on Fraser Farm, alone. I always told myself I’d be nothing like him. And now look at me.’

  ‘He doesn’t seem alone to me. He has Heather and Rory and Harry and Don and you… A family.’

  ‘Yeah, I guess you’re right.’

  ‘You’re not alone either. I feel like you all look out for each other here. It’s nice. I was always kind of disdainful about Glendale. I thought it was this backward place, really. That I’d die of boredom here but I can see now why my brother loves it. There’s a lot to be said for having supportive people around you. I always thought I was a loner. That I didn’t need anyone. But maybe I don’t need to push people away quite so much.’ I smiled ruefully. ‘Maybe it would be nice to get to know people better.’

  ‘Maybe you should stay longer in Glendale then.’ He reached over and brushed his fingertips over mine. I wasn’t surprised now to feel a jolt of warmth from him but it still freaked me out. I wondered if he could feel it too. I decided not to mention my ticket to Ibiza. The countdown to the end of my time in Glendale. It felt both far away and far too soon. ‘I’ve kept things to myself for so long. Just talking to you today has helped.’

  ‘Same for me.’ We looked at one another and my pulse sped up a little bit. I wondered if he was going to kiss me and I was sure he was wondering the same thing. But then he let go of my hand and I let out a breath.

  ‘I wish I could give you more…’ he said.

  I shook my head. ‘I’m not looking for anything.’

  Cameron nodded. ‘Friends then?’

  ‘That’s pretty new for me but yes. Friends.’ I was sure I could get over my attraction to him. Neither of us were in a relationship place. I mean, I’d never had one and look at how Cameron’s last one had ended. No, this was better. It would be enough for us. It had to be.

  Cameron glanced at his watch. ‘I have to go to Fraser Farm, I’m afraid. Angus and Rory asked me to help move some logs.’ He looked at me. ‘Don’t suppose you fancy coming along?’

  ‘Okay, why not,’ I replied. I had no plans until later. Beth had asked me to have dinner with everyone tonight; they were having a Sunday roast even though it was summer, and my brother and Emily were coming along with Heather and Rory too. It still felt strange to be included in these gatherings like I was part of the family, but I was learning it was Beth’s way. And although it was something I hadn’t looked for before, I found that I didn’t mind it half as much as I thought I would.

  We drove separately to Fraser Farm and I thought over what had happened at Hilltop. Cameron was still carrying so much guilt about losing his girlfriend and I didn’t think it would ever completely leave him, even if the accident clearly wasn’t something he could have prevented. But I hoped I had helped a little bit. I knew what it was like to carry guilt over something that had been impossible to stop from happening. I knew how messed up I still was after my own accident. But after talking to my brother, it felt like there was a flicker of change on the horizon, like maybe things were shifting for me just a little bit. My summer in Glendale was helping me little brick by little brick. I hoped that it might end up being the case for Cameron too.

  Fraser Farm greeted me then. I could see everyone was in the yard, turning to look at our two cars driving up the track towards the farmhouse. I wondered if they would think it was strange that I was with Cameron. Probably not, as they were all in each other’s lives so much. Heather broke into a smile and waved when she saw me and headed over to greet me as I climbed out of the car. My eyes flicked to Cameron as he got out and he smiled over at me.

  ‘This is a nice surprise,’ Heather said. ‘Don’t tell me Rory has roped you into helping move our logs too?’

  I laughed. ‘I didn’t have any plans so just tagging along really, but I’m game.’

  ‘Well, when it comes to jobs like this it’s definitely the more the merrier!’ She slipped her arm through mine as we started walking after Rory, Angus and Cameron, who sloped off towards the barn. ‘Basically, Angus built us a shed to keep logs in. We have a lot of log fires in autumn and winter so we go through a lot and thought we needed somewhere to store them. We need to shift the ones we bought from the yard into the shed. I’m sure we can keep up with the boys just fine, right?’

  ‘Of course,’ I replied, firmly. I looked at the pen of goats as we passed it. They were munching on the grass in the sunshine. I laughed as their sheepdog Darcy ran up to the fence to bark once at them before running off to catch up with Rory, weaving between his legs happily. ‘I have always wanted a pet. I mean, I’m veggie, as you know, and I love animals but as I’ve mo
ved around so much, I’ve never had one of my own. Except a hamster when I was really young.’

  ‘Honestly, I was never a fan of animals and when I came here I thought they were all against me! I’ve had pigs in the kitchen, goats chewing through the fence, horses dropping apples on me and cows escaping. Darcy even chewed through my favourite slippers but now this place is home, and really they are part of the family.’ She looked across at me. ‘Maybe it’s a sign you need to put down some roots and get yourself a pet.’ She looked ahead. ‘Someone to come home to. Or maybe a man instead.’

  I couldn’t help but smile. Heather’s eyes twinkled. I knew she meant Cameron but I certainly wasn’t going to comment on that. ‘I think a dog sounds like less work.’ She laughed along with me as we joined the men in the barn and Darcy came to sit beside me. I patted him as Rory showed us the pile of logs that needed moving to the shed, which was around the other side of the farmhouse, and suggested we make a line to pass them along to make it quicker and easier.

  I didn’t think I’d enjoy moving logs on a farm but it was quite fun tossing them back and forth to one another. Heather was in front of me and we chatted as we moved them. Behind me was Angus, who was even more quiet than his nephew, although Heather addressed several comments to him and received dry replies. His fondness for her shone through the twinkle in his eyes though.

  ‘It must get really cold out here in winter,’ I said as a summer breeze blew through my hair. Even though it was a warm day, the hairs on my arms stood up with it. The farm sat in a valley surrounded by high hills and I could only imagine how tough winters could be here even though it was an idyllic spot.

  ‘It really does and when it snows we often have power cuts, which has taken a lot of getting used to for a townie like me,’ Heather agreed as she passed me another log. ‘This is why we need lots of logs! Getting up in the dark and cold was a huge shock to my system when I first came here.’

  ‘You still complain now,’ Angus reminded her as I passed him the log.

  ‘Complaining builds up body heat. That’s a fact,’ she replied, airily, dropping me a wink. ‘I thought I was a hardy Scottish girl before I moved here but nope. I was not.’

  ‘I couldn’t do it.’

  ‘Probably not – you don’t eat meat. You need a lot of beef stew to get through the winter, I can tell you,’ she joked.

  I smiled. ‘I bet I could make you a veggie one that was just as good.’

  ‘I actually bet you could. Angus, this girl is such a good cook. I keep hinting she should be the chef at Hilltop but she pretends not to hear me.’

  ‘We all do that,’ Angus said in a low voice. ‘Cameron told me how great your food is. You don’t want to be a chef though?’ he asked me.

  I was flattered Cameron had talked about me to his uncle and that Heather kept talking about me working at Hilltop. I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I hadn’t even really considered it before.’ I couldn’t pretend that the idea didn’t excite me but there was no way I could work at Hilltop with Cameron, was there? Besides, that would mean living in the countryside, settling here in Glendale. I just couldn’t picture myself doing that.

  ‘Well, we have the whole summer to persuade you. I warn you – Glendale is very hard to walk away from.’

  ‘Been here my whole life,’ Angus called out cheerfully. ‘We all have.’

  ‘Emily was hooked after she came for Beth’s wedding,’ Heather said. ‘You might not be able to leave even if you want to.’

  ‘Are you going to kidnap me?’ I said, shaking my head. ‘Are you a cult in disguise?’

  ‘If a cult eats way too much cake, drinks too much coffee and attends too many weddings then yes we are,’ Heather said.

  I was laughing too much to take the next log from her.

  ‘What’s the hold-up?’ Rory called from the back.

  ‘Anna can’t stop laughing,’ Heather called back. ‘Angus is telling too many jokes again.’

  That made everyone laugh and even Angus let out a snort at the likelihood of that happening.

  * * *

  When I got back to Glendale Hall, Beth pulled me excitedly into the utility room before the others from the farm followed me inside. ‘Okay, so I was just going to tell you but you know what my mother is like so here,’ she said, thrusting a cream and gold card at me. ‘You know I said I was organising Heather’s hen do?’ she asked excitedly as I looked down at the invitation. ‘Well, Drew and I got talking and we thought why not do a combined stag and hen do? We actually had one before our wedding at Loch Ness and Heather and Rory both said what a good idea it was. Brodie didn’t want a stag do but the boys made him have a pint at the pub and we took Emily out for afternoon tea. I think we could all do with a little fun trip together. So, what do you think?’ She babbled before demanding a response as I took in the words on the card.

  ‘A joint hen and stag do murder mystery weekend? At a castle in Edinburgh?’ I repeated, trying to catch up.

  Beth nodded. ‘Heather adores Agatha Christie, and we’ve never done a murder mystery before. I think Rory will love it there too. We can all have such a good night together. So, what do you think? Will you come?’

  ‘You’re inviting me?’ I checked with surprise.

  Then Beth looked surprised. ‘Well, of course I am! You’re part of the family now. We’re all going.’

  ‘All?’ I enquired.

  ‘Well, we’ll never get Angus there, and someone needs to look after the farm, and Don has agreed to watch Harry for us, and my mum and John and Sally have bowed out gracefully to let us young ones enjoy ourselves, and Sally is up for watching Iona too,’ she said with a laugh. ‘But I checked and Heather has no retreats booked for next weekend so the rest of us can go – you, me, Drew, Heather, Rory, Emily, Brodie, Cameron, Izzy and Luke. So, what do you think? I think it will be really fun!’

  I actually felt quite chuffed to have been included. I smiled at Beth who was staring at me impatiently. ‘I’d love to come,’ I said sincerely. It did actually sound really fun. I wasn’t exactly an Agatha Christie fan but a night away at a castle was no hardship. The only other hen do I’d been invited on was Emily’s but I’d pleaded work as an excuse, sure I wouldn’t have any fun in Glendale. I could admit now I should have gone. I wouldn’t make that mistake this time around. ‘Thanks so much for inviting me.’

  She beamed. ‘Well, of course. I can’t wait!’

  ‘Me neither,’ I replied, sincerely. I pocketed the invitation and followed Beth out into the kitchen to greet the others and prepare for dinner. I glanced at Cameron and wondered if he’d accepted his invite yet or not. Now we were friends, I thought it could be fun to have him there. I just wouldn’t let myself think about the fact we’d be staying the night there together. I really wouldn’t.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Adam phoned me mid-week and asked me out for a drink just the two of us. I couldn’t help but hesitate. Both because of my connection with Cameron and the feeling that Adam was just a friend to me. But I was in need of a night out. I had been helping Izzy and Luke finish off her library as well as the general house cleaning and the week was flying by. I was both excited and nervous for our upcoming weekend away so a few drinks at the pub sounded like a very good idea to me. I agreed to meet Adam at the Glendale Arms, hoping he wouldn’t see it as a date but knowing deep down that he probably did.

  I kept my outfit casual, and Beth offered to drop me off at the pub as she was going round to Emily’s for dinner.

  ‘So, you and Adam…’ Beth glanced across at me as we drove to the village.

  ‘He’s just a mate.’ I caught her smile. ‘Well, okay, I guess he has said that he wishes we were more but I’m not sure. I’ve always been up for something fun, you know. I don’t know why I’m overthinking it,’ I said, half to myself as I looked out of the window.

  ‘You don’t have to do things just because you used to enjoy them. You can change… Sometimes what we want now is different from what we
used to want, doesn’t mean it’s better or worse, just different.’ She smiled. ‘Maybe Glendale is working its romantic magic on you.’

  ‘I think I’m immune to romance,’ I replied.

  ‘That’s only the case if you’ve had any in the first place. Have you?’

  I looked at her, startled. Perhaps she was right. After my failed first time, I had actively only sought out casual relationships. I couldn’t describe any of my exes as romantic but then I certainly hadn’t encouraged any romance in my life.

  ‘I had flings during my time in London but no one I really cared about. Certainly no one I ever brought home to meet Izzy. Reuniting with Drew showed me that real love can’t be stopped. It finds you when you least expect it, when you don’t even want it sometimes. I didn’t think I would get engaged in a Christmas trail or chase the man I loved through an airport but… that’s what love does.’

  ‘You chased him through an airport?’

  She grinned. ‘I did.’ She pulled up outside the Glendale Arms. ‘It was always Drew for me, even though I tried to pretend otherwise. Even though I didn’t even see him for ten years. But it was worth waiting for.’ She followed my gaze to where Adam stood waiting. He lifted his hand in greeting. ‘You have to follow your heart at the end of the day.’

  ‘I don’t think I can trust mine,’ I said, climbing out.

  ‘Of course you can. You’re just too scared to. Believe me, I know exactly what that’s like. But one day you’ll realise it’s the only way you’ll ever be happy. Have a good night, Anna.’

  I watched her drive away, a little taken aback. I had never received as much life and love advice as I had since I came to Glendale. I felt like I should be annoyed that everyone kept trying to tell me how to live my life but I couldn’t because I knew it was me asking them for advice, and all of them were on my side. Even though they hardly knew me. They all seemed to want to help me to be happy. But what if they were fighting a losing battle? Maybe I was missing the happiness gene.