When I was finished, I peered out of my window down at the garden. The place was a hive of activity. The marquee had already gone up but now people were filing in and out of it, carrying things covered up with hoods and umbrellas; the florist was running with flowers from the main house. I could see Beth down there directing everyone. She really was born for organising events like this.
Slipping out of my room, I went downstairs and paused by the reading room. Izzy was curled up in the armchair reading with her cat asleep on her lap. She looked so happy. I thought back to lying on my childhood bed listening to my dad’s vinyl record collection, thinking that nothing bad could ever touch me while playing The Beatles or Queen or any of the other bands we loved. I wish sometimes I could go back to those moments and relive them. Maybe that was the problem with growing up: you forgot to have moments like that. There seemed to always be something to do or think about that you didn’t often just let yourself… be.
I left the Hall to drive to Hilltop Farm and walked from the farmhouse down to Cameron’s cabin as quickly as I could, my hood pulled up against the rain, my arms wrapped around my chest as I shivered in the cool wind, the grey clouds swirling above me.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
‘You’re here,’ he said, opening the door with a pleased smile. ‘And you’re soaked, come in.’ Cameron helped me out of my hoodie and told me to sit by the log fire, which was crackling with much-needed warmth. He grabbed a throw from the sofa and I wrapped it around my shoulders as he disappeared into the kitchen.
‘Here,’ he said, returning with two mugs of tea. I had sat down by the fire and he joined me down on the floor. ‘Summer seems to have come to an abrupt halt. Are you warm and dry now?’
‘This is so cosy,’ I said, leaning forward to give him a kiss. I’d never had a man do anything for me so this was something new. In fact, everything with Cameron had been new so far. Sitting in his small living room, wrapped in a blanket, holding my tea next to the fire, I looked across at this handsome, quiet man and I felt more at home than I ever had before. ‘I can see why you love it here.’
‘It’s better with you here,’ he said. ‘More than I thought it could be. Shall I go get us some food?’ he asked, smiling as he got up to go back into the kitchen.
I smiled back, closing my eyes while he was gone, letting the peace settle over me. I had always been nervous of quiet like this but now I wasn’t. It felt restorative rather than something to fear. Cameron came back in with a tray for us and sat back down on the floor, where we seemed to have settled in for the afternoon. He’d made butternut squash soup, and there was fresh crusty bread, cheese and grapes.
‘A girl could get used to this,’ I said, tucking in eagerly.
‘I don’t think I’d mind if you did. Although you could do a much better job with the food.’
‘I know that I kind of went off on one when Brodie and Beth started talking about me being a chef one day but it would be fun, wouldn’t it?’ I said taking a bite of the bread. It was from Emily’s Bakery, I could tell by how tasty it was. ‘I loved working in the farmhouse kitchen, more than I thought I would.’
‘Do you think you might look into that course your brother suggested?’
‘I don’t know. I’d planned to go abroad, not do a course in Inverness.’ I avoided his gaze, uncertain.
‘I should have said the other night… If you wanted to stick around Glendale, you don’t need to worry about us. I would love you to stay here. Even if we weren’t… well, you know, doing this.’
I smiled. ‘Thank you.’ I put the bread down. ‘Does that mean you want to stop “doing this”?’ I put the words into air quotes.
Cameron shook his head. ‘Not right now, thank you.’ He leaned in to kiss me. He tasted of soup and held me close. ‘I thought you were hungry?’
‘I can wait,’ I replied, pulling him down onto the blanket with me.
* * *
When I opened my eyes, I smiled to see Cameron asleep beside me, his arm draped over me. We’d had an accidental nap after we’d eaten, warm and satisfied by the fire and still naked under the blanket. I moved and Cameron shifted his arm so I could sit up. He murmured sleepily. ‘It’s okay, I just need the loo,’ I half-whispered as I reached for my clothes.
‘Okay, Kirsty,’ he murmured back, his eyes closing again.
I froze as I pulled my hoodie on. Did he seriously just call me by his ex-girlfriend’s name?
I walked outside quickly, needing to get out of there. The room which had until a few moments ago felt warm and cosy now felt claustrophobic. This was why I had always resisted getting close to someone. Other people just always let you down. Outside, the rain had eased off and was now just lightly falling in the breeze. I breathed in the cool air.
My phone vibrated in my pocket then. I picked it up absent-mindedly. ‘Hello?’ I snapped as I paced outside Cameron’s cabin, agitated and to be honest pretty hurt by what had just happened. I had hoped that he was moving on from the past but it was clear he was still haunted by his ex-girlfriend. That he still missed her. That maybe he also still loved her.
‘Anna! How are you?’ a bubbly voice cried down the phone line. ‘It’s Chloe,’ she added when I didn’t answer straight away.
‘Oh hi, Chloe,’ I replied, surprised that she was calling me. I walked a little further away from the cabin and shivered a little. It was cool beneath the trees and now I was away from the fire, and Cameron’s arms, I felt the sudden drop in temperature. ‘What’s up?’
‘I have a proposition for you and I hope you’ll be as excited as I am about it…’
I listened to Chloe telling me all about this project that she was involved with and wanted me to be a part of too. I think if she had phoned just an hour ago I would have said I wasn’t interested. I had actually been starting to feel content here in Glendale, and had been wondering if I would really want to leave as planned in September. Curled up with Cameron, I had let myself imagine sticking around Glendale past the summer. And then there was Brodie’s idea of going to cookery school…
But then Cameron had called me by Kirsty’s name, and suddenly Chloe was offering me a very different next move. And I was extremely tempted by it.
Chloe hung up, with me promising to let her know by the end of the day if I was up for it. After I put my phone away, I turned around to see Cameron in the doorway. He was shirtless, just wearing his low-slung jeans, looking sleepy and confused to find me gone. My stomach dropped like I was in a car rolling over a hill.
‘Where did you go?’ he called over to me.
‘I didn’t exactly want to stick around after you called me Kirsty,’ I flung back.
‘Huh?’
‘You called me Kirsty. I knew that this was a mistake.’ I turned to go and he darted out from the cabin after me, taking my arm to pull me to a stop.
‘Don’t go, Anna, please!’
Frustrated, I turned to look at him. ‘You’re clearly not over her. Do you wish I was her?’
‘No, god.’ He ran a hand through his hair, agitated. ‘I didn’t mean to do that. I was half asleep. I guess I was thinking about her. I mean, I told you, you are the first woman I’ve been with since her.’
‘I thought we were both moving on from the past but I was so deluded. Of course we’re not! We are no good for one another. We’re too messed up.’
‘No, that’s not true!’ He took my hand but I pulled it away. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I would never… Anna, you have changed everything.’
I met his gaze. ‘Not everything,’ I said, bitterly. ‘You don’t need to worry. I’m going to do what I do best. Chloe just phoned me and offered me a job in London. I’ll be on the next train.’
He stared at me. ‘Don’t do this, Anna. It was a mistake.’
‘You’re right about that.’
‘No, not us. Don’t tell me that being in my arms just now didn’t feel right. I know that you feel the same way. We have a connection. There
’s something between us, don’t walk away from it.’
‘I thought there was. But I’m not Kirsty. I never will be. So I’m not what you want. And you’re not what I want.’ I was fighting back tears now, which annoyed me. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. ‘This is what I do. I run. You knew that. I told you that one of us was going to get hurt. Looks like both of us have.’
‘If you’re hurting doesn’t that tell you that you have feelings for me too?’
I hated that he was right. I hated that I had feelings for him. The first man to make me feel something was still in love with his ex. Talk about the universe having a twisted sense of humour. ‘It doesn’t matter. We’re both broken. And we can’t fix each other. I need to go, Cameron. I was never going to stay. And this is a great opportunity.’
‘What about working here and studying cookery? What about being a chef one day?’
‘This is a cooking job. And a fresh start.’
Cameron shook his head. ‘You told me you didn’t want to run anymore.’
‘And you told me that we should just be friends. I should have listened.’ I turned around again. ‘I’ve made my decision. Don’t follow me, okay?’ As I walked away, the tears came. I made myself not look back but I could feel him watching me until I disappeared through the trees. I let out a breath then and broke into a run, wondering how anyone could bear falling in love when it hurt like this.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
I couldn’t bear to look at them. A sea of disappointed faces. It was Sunday morning and everyone knew by now that I was catching a train to London soon, and no one was happy about it.
‘But what about Heather and Rory’s wedding?’ Izzy asked me as she trailed behind as I descended the stairs, coming face-to-face with Beth and Drew, Emily and Brodie with Iona, who was asleep in her pushchair, and the only one not judging me with her eyes.
‘Chloe’s boyfriend is opening up this pop-up restaurant now, I have to go,’ I repeated. Ever since I’d returned to the Hall and told Beth about Chloe’s phone call, I had to tell everyone in turn why I was suddenly leaving. Chloe’s boyfriend, Ashley, had wanted to open a restaurant with his best friend and a French chef called Pierre for ages. A premises had come up for a short lease so they had decided to try a pop-up restaurant to see how it went. They had hired a team to help but realised that they needed one more person so Chloe had asked me. I would be doing prep work in the kitchen, nothing more, but it was a chance to learn from a talented chef and get a feel for restaurant life. I’d never lived in London either so that was appealing. But mostly, it provided me with a reason to leave Glendale sooner than I’d planned, and I really needed to get some distance between me and Cameron.
I had told Chloe about my flight to Ibiza in the middle of September, two months away now, but she was fine with it – the pop-up was due to open next weekend and close around that time so it worked out perfectly. She was even giving me her spare room until I got settled too.
However, the people in front of me now really didn’t understand why I wanted to go. I put my bags down with a thump in the hallway. ‘It won’t be forever,’ I said, trying to console Izzy.
‘I can’t believe it’s taken so long to get you to come to Glendale and you’re leaving before the summer is even up,’ Brodie said. I hated to see the disapproval on his face. But it was something I was used to, at least. It had been nice to connect with him again. To even become friends with him. And it had felt nice to ask his advice. But his advice had led me to Cameron. I was better off on my own.
‘We’ll miss you,’ Emily added kindly.
‘How am I going to manage?’ Beth said, shaking her head. ‘Drew, will you take her bags out to the car? Anna, come here for a sec.’ She took my hand, brooking no protest, and pulled me into the living room, shutting the door behind us. ‘Are you really sure about this? I know it seems like a good offer but you’ll be just washing dishes probably, not studying cooking, or building up to getting your own place.’ She bit her lip. ‘I know that I’m interfering again but I thought you liked it here in Glendale?’
I sighed. I could see she was genuinely worried about me. ‘I did… I do but I only planned to stay until September, and this is too good an opportunity to miss.’
‘What about Cameron, then?’
‘That didn’t work out. But that’s not the only reason I’m going. I need to make my own way in life. I always have. If I stay here, I’ll end up relying on you guys.’
‘But we want you to,’ she protested.
‘That’s not me. I know you mean well but I’m independent and…’
‘Believe me, I know exactly how you feel wanting to make your own way in the world. It’s admirable. But running away is a different thing. You have family here and friends. You have a chance to build a career here, and we all want you to stay.’
‘Thank you. It’s nice to hear. But I need to do this.’ I gestured around us. ‘I’m not made to settle down in a small town seeing the same people every day.’
‘I thought you weren’t happy with always moving,’ she reminded me. ‘I thought you were happy here.’
I hesitated. I was. But it had all been a fantasy, hadn’t it? I had let my guard down and now I was paying the price. ‘I can’t stay, Beth.’
‘Please know that you can come home whenever you want. Don’t think because you’re leaving now that you can’t come back. Will you?’
I shook my head. I’d run out of words. Drew called out then that we needed to go if I was going to make my train. I hurried out before Beth could stop me. I gave everyone a hug, swallowing the lump in my throat down hard.
‘Ring me when you get to London, please,’ Brodie insisted. ‘I want to make sure you’re okay. And if you need anything. Anything at all…’
‘I’ll be fine,’ I said. I forced on a smile. ‘Wish me luck.’
They all mumbled ‘good luck’ and I followed Drew out, who was going to take me to the station, glancing back to see them all huddled in the doorway. I waved but my heart wasn’t in it and nor was it in theirs to wave back.
I looked up at the Hall. It had seemed so grand when I arrived, intimidating even, but then it had felt more like home than any place I’d lived in apart from the house I grew up in. Because it was filled with love. But I didn’t belong there. I knew that. I had been pretending but it wasn’t real. I would always end up running. That was clear. I just needed to accept that I would never be like my brother or his friends here. It was better I left them now before it got too hard.
Even so, it was more difficult than I expected to climb into the car and watch Glendale Hall fade into the distance as we drove away.
It was even worse getting on the train, waving goodbye to Drew, who watched from outside his car, lifting his hand as the train pulled out from the platform. I sank back in my chair and watched Glendale roll past the window. It felt like I had been there for such a long time, even though it had only really been five weeks. I had known I wouldn’t be there long but I had thought I’d last the summer.
But this was the right thing to do. I was going to work in a London restaurant. I tried not to think about the fact that I wouldn’t have this offer without being at Hilltop, without Beth and Heather encouraging me to cook, without my brother telling me I could do it, because that hurt too much. I couldn’t let myself think about Cameron at all. I would just do what I always did. I’d walk away and start again. Start somewhere new with new people, people who didn’t know me, and I wouldn’t let myself care again. I had learned my lesson on that front.
My phone rang but I sent the call to voicemail. It vibrated with a message.
Heather has told me you’ve left Glendale. Please don’t leave like this. Can we at least talk? Don’t walk away from us, Anna. Please.
I read Cameron’s text with a heavy heart. How could I talk to him? What was the point? He couldn’t move on and nor could I. People didn’t change. We both were too haunted by our past. It was better that we had
no more contact. Better we carried on living alone like we had before.
I put my phone away and focused on watching the landscape change out of the window. I’d always wanted to go to London. I needed to be excited about this next step, and not be upset. I wasn’t used to regretting anything. It was unsettling. I didn’t like feeling like I’d left part of me behind. That was crazy. I’d always moved on without a backward glance before. I was sure this feeling would pass. It had to.
I needed to forget Glendale and everyone in it.
Picking up my phone again, I scrolled to Cameron’s name and I deleted his contact from my phone.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
When I arrived in London, I got a taxi to Chloe’s flat, not wanting to brave the tube on my first day in the city. It all felt like a blur. I was tired from the long train journey and the past couple of days. Emotional tiredness was proving to be a real thing. I didn’t feel much as I watched London roll past the window of the taxi as we drove to Islington. I had always thought my first time in London would be such a thrill. But I was numb. I told myself I would feel a whole lot better in the morning.
Chloe’s flat was in a pretty square in a converted townhouse. She opened the door when I buzzed. ‘You’re here! Come in, you must be shattered.’ Her blonde hair and make-up were flawless and she wore a bright blue velour tracksuit. I felt crumpled and knackered in comparison but her enthusiastic smile when she saw me did cheer me up a little bit.
‘I am,’ I admitted, carrying my two bags over the threshold. She pulled me in for a hug, which was slightly awkward with my bag in the way. Chloe lived on the ground floor with her boyfriend and she showed me into the spare bedroom so I could dump my bags. It was tiny but I was used to that and it looked out onto the square. The walls were white and the floor was polished wood but Chloe had decorated it beautifully in soft grey and the bed looked so comfortable after sitting on the train for so long. It was completely different to Glendale Hall but that was what I was looking for.
Always and Forever at Glendale Hall Page 22