Fox 8

by George Saunders

  Fox 8 is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, persons, or animals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  2013 Random House eBook Original Copyright © 2013 by George Saunders Excerpt from Tenth of December © 2013 by George Saunders All rights reserved.

  Published in the United States by Random House, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

  RANDOM HOUSE and colophon are trademarks of Random House, Inc.

  eISBN: 978-0-8129-9532-9

  Cover design and illustration: Chelsea Cardinal www.atrandom.com

  v3.1

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  First Page

  Other Books by This Author

  About the Author

  Excerpt from The Tenth of December

  Deer Reeder: First may I say, sorry for any werds I spel rong. Because I am a fox! So don’t rite or spel perfect. But here is how I lerned to rite and spel as gud as I do!

  One day, walking neer one of your Yuman houses, smelling all the interest with snout, I herd, from inside, the most amazing sound. Turns out, what that sound is, was: the Yuman voice, making werds. They sounded grate! They sounded like prety music! I listened to those music werds until the sun went down, when all of the suden I woslike: Fox 8, crazy nut, when sun goes down, werld goes dark, skedaddle home, or else there can be danjer!

  But I was fast and nated by those music werds, and desired to understand them total lee.

  So came bak nite upon nite, seeted upon that window, trying to lern. And in time, so many werds came threw my ears and into my brane, that, if I thought upon them, cud understand Yuman prety gud, if I heer it!

  What that lady in that house was saying, was: Storys, to her pups, with “luv.” When done, she wud dowse the lite, causing dark. Then, due to feeling “luv,” wud bend down, putting snout and lips to the heds of her pups, which was called: “gudnite kiss.” Which I got a kik out of that! Because that is also how we show our luv for our pups, as Foxes! It made me feel gud, like Yumans cud feel luv and show luv. In other werds, hope full for the future of Erth!

  But one nite I herd something that made me think twise about Yumans.

  And I still am.

  What I herd was a Story, but a fawlse and even meen one. In that story was a Fox. But guess what the Fox was? Sly! Yes, true lee! He trikked a Chiken! He lerd this plump Chiken away from its henhowse, claming there is some feed in a stump. We do not trik Chikens! We are very open and honest with Chikens! With Chikens, we have a Super Fare Deel, which is: they make the egs, we take the egs, they make more egs. And sometimes may even eat a live Chiken, shud that Chiken consent to be eaten by us, threw faling to run away upon are approche, after she has been looking for feed in a stump.

  Not Sly at all.

  Very strate forword.

  That Story was also fawlse due to the mane Chiken is whering glases. Which, Chikens that I know of? Do not where glases. I do not think this is because all Chikens see grate. I think it is because Chikens do not even know when they don’t see grate, due to, altho I have the highest respek for Chikens, luvving their egs, they are perchanse not the britest.

  But Chikens whering glases was not the only fawlse Story I herd.

  Like I herd Storys about Bares, in which Bares are always sleeping and nise and luvving. Beleev me, as someone offen chased by Bares, never was a Bare chasing me (1) asleep or (2) nise and (3) luvving. You shud heer the many not-nise things a Bare is saying, in Bare, as he is chasing you, as lukily you slide into your Den just in the nack of time and try not to start crying in front of your other Foxes.

  And in terms of Owls, Owls are wise? Don’t make me laff! Once a Owl nipped Fox 6 kwite crool on his nek just because Fox 6 was saying a frend lee greeting to the baby Owls with his snout!

  For a long time, no one but me knew I knew Yuman. Then one day, as faith will have it, I am walking threw the wuds with Fox 7, a gud pal, when all of the suden a branch drops down on us from upon hi.

  And I woslike: O wow.

  But said not in Fox, but in Yuman.

  Fox 7 was so shokked he just sat with haunch on ground and tung lolling out, along with the wide eyes of being complete lee astonish.

  To which I said: Correct, what I just now spoke, was Yuman, dude.

  And he woslike: That is prety gud, Fox 8.

  To which I woslike, in Yuman, to perhaps show off slite: It is super gud, no dowt, Fox 7.

  And he woslike: We must tell our Grate Leeder. This is so— To which, in Fox, I woslike: I know, rite?

  So we went to our Grate Leeder, Fox 28, and I spoke him some Yuman.

  When I had spoken my Yuman, Grate Leeder turned his hed sidewise the way us Foxes do when feeling quizmical or a noise is hi, and said: Fox 8, how did you akomplish this?

  I woslike: By studying their speech patterns every nite without fale.

  He woslike: Perhaps you wud be gud enough to use your new skil to help the Groop?

  I was kwite flatered by this show of respek from Grate Leeder, famus among us for wize consel, plus always leeding us grate.

  I woslike: Hapy to help.

  Grate Leeder woslike: Folow me, Fox 8.

  Which I did, shooting Fox 7 a prowd look of: Dude, chek me out.

  Soon we are standing before a sine, and upon that sine are some Yuman letters like the ones I had been lerning. And thanks to my studies, I cud reed it. (Lukily, I had lerned their alphobet, by skwinting my eyes, threw that window, at their buks.) What those werds said, is: Coming soon, FoxViewCommons.

  I red them to Grate Leeder, who, bak in are Den, said them alowd to the Groop.

  Those werds caused many suden questions in all our branes. Such as: What is a FoxViewCommons? Wud it chase us? Wud it eat us?

  Terns out, it cud not eat us. It cud not chase us. But what it cud do, was even werse.

  Because soon here came Truks, smoking wile tooting! They dug up our Primary Forest! They tore out our Leaning Tree! They rekked our shady drinking spot, and made total lee flat the highest plase of which we know, from where we can see all of curashun if it is not raning!

  Whoa was us.

  As far as we cud see, it is just flat, no trees. Upon troting to our River, we found it rekked due to so much suden dirt floting in. Also rekked were are Fish who, not even swoping a single flipper, just glansed up blank at us, like: Wow, we do not even get what just hapened.

  Wile trying to explane it was Truks that hapened, we lerned one reason they cud not swope a flipper is, they are ded! Plus not only are our Fish ded, but all the things we luv to eat, such as Bugs, such as fat slow Mise, are total lee gone! We serched all day, snouts low. But not one snak.

  Soon sevral of our Extreme Lee Old Foxes become sik, and ded, because: no fud. These ded frends were: Fox 24, Fox 10, and Fox 111.

  Gud Foxes all.

  One leson I lerned during my nites at that Yuman window was: a gud riter will make the reeder feel as bad as the Yuman does in there Story. Like the riter will make you feel as bad as Sinderela. You will feel sad you cannot go to the danse. And mad you have to sweep. You will feel like biting Stepmother on her Gown. Or, if you are Penokio, you will feel like: I wud rather not be made of wud. I wud rather be made of skin, so my father Jipeta will stop hitting me with a hamer. And so farth.

  If you want to feel as bad as we Foxes are feeling at this time: (1) bare lee eat for weeks, (2) note that many frends, including you, are getting skinyer every day, and (3) watch sevral of your beluvved frends get so skiny they die. At this time, Grate Leeder grew kwite sad. It was like he grew too sad to leed. And wud sit for
hours staring into spase. It woslike Grate Leeder blamed himself that we had lost are Forest in which we had always lived since time in memorial. But we did not feel it was his fawlt. It hapened so fast, who cud have been grate enough to stop it? (I for sure did not know how to stop it. Once I snuk into the bak of a Truk and stole there hamer with my mouth. I know it is not gud to steel but I was so mad! But me steeling that hamer did not even slow them down. They must have had other hamers?) Finally some of us went to Grate Leeder and are like: Grate Leeder, let us go farth and find some fud, plus a better plase to live.

  But he just did this mone, and woslike: No, no, it is too danjerus. Everyone stay rite here where I can see you.

  And once again plased hed between paws.

  Week upon week the Truks kep werking. These Yumans sure cud werk. They werked and werked until soon a hole forest is gone. How did they do it?

  With there hands, plus Truks.

  Terns out, what they were making is: sevral big wite boxes, with, written upon them, mistery werds. Upon my reeding of these werds, my felow Foxes looked at me all quizmical, like: Fox 8, tell us, what is Bon-Ton, what is Compu-Fun, what is Hooters, what is Kookies-N-Cream?

  But I cud not say, those werds never being herd by me at my Story window.

  FoxViewCommons seemed to be a plase Yumans came to put there Kars. They wud go into the wite boxes and wate there until there Kars were redy to go home? Sometimes I wud go up to a Kar, inside of which there is a Dog, and, due to speeking decent Dog, wud be like: How’s it going? To which the Dog wud either look blank at me, as if I was not even speeking Dog, or fling themself around inside there Kar, as if they wud like to brake out and do damage to me, a Fox!

  But finally one Dog does answer, going: Prety gud, how about you? It is reely hot in here.

  And I woslike: Frend, what is this plase?

  He woslike: Par King.

  I woslike: What is it for?

  At which point he took a paws to lik his but. Wile I polite lee wated.

  Finally he woslike: The Mawl.

  I woslike: But what is the purpose of the Mawl?

  By this time, however, he is asleep. With legs running, yet stil traped in that Kar, probly dreeming he is a Fox, with Fox lee freedom, and less pudgee.

  But he was rite: it was Par King, it was the Mawl. Yumans wud go: You kids stop fiting, we’re at the Mawl, kwit, kwit it, if you don’t stop fiting how wud you like it if we just skip the Mawl and you can get rite to your aljuhbruh, Kerk? Or, speeking into a small box, a Yuman mite go, I have to run, Jeenie, I’m just now Par King at the Mawl! Or one Yuman slaps the but of a sekond, and the slapt one leens in, kwite fond, going, Elyut, you kil me. Or a lady drops her purse and bends to retreev her guds, when sudden lee her hat blows away, at which time, speeking a bad werd, she looks redy to sit and cry, own lee a nise man appeers, and rases off in kwest of her hat, tho he has a slite limp.

  Yumans!

  Always intresting.

  One day I am krowching at the edge of Par King, gazing over at the Mawl, when out comes a pare of Yumans.

  One woslike: OK, I will meet you at the Fud Cort when you are done with your lip waks.

  And the other woslike: If you are late I will total lee kill you, Meggen.

  And the other woslike: Don’t worry, I’ll find you. You’ll be the one with the way red lip.

  Then they laffed.

  That frase of “Fud Cort” prikked up my ears but gud.

  Mite there be fud in a Fud Cort?

  There mite, I felt.

  Here I shud say, all my life, I have had kwite curative day-dreems. They wud just come upon me. And I wud enjoy them.

  With some favrits being:

  Some Yumans heer me speeking Yuman so gud they give me some Chiken, and I sit rite at there Table. And they go: How is it being a Fox?

  And I go: Fine.

  And they go: Foxes are our favrit Animal.

  And I go: Thanks.

  And they go: Why o why were we so stupid as to choose Dogs for our mane Pets?

  And I go: I reely don’t know.

  Or: Some Bares are chasing me. I stop and, holding one paw aleft, give them a speech about being nise, and they are like: Maybe this is weerd to ask, but cud you, a Fox, be our Grate Leeder, and teech us to be nise and not walk funy? And I go: Sure. And they applawd with their paws. But awkword. So I teech them to clap gud and they look at me with luv.

  Or: Some Berds fly around my hed, going: What a prety Fox, we have flown everywhere in this werld and never seen one pretier! And one Berd goes: And smart too. And the others churp there agreement.

  Now, krowching neer Par King, I had a curative day-dreem, about Fud Cort, which was: Go in, get some fud. Why not? How hard cud it be? If there is fud, it shud be fud for all, rite?

  That nite, at Groop Meeting, I brot farth my plan.

  But sad lee, my somewhat reputashun as a dreemer preseded me.

  And not in a gud way.

  Grate Leeder woslike: What is Fud Cort anyway? Sounds danjerus.

  I woslike: Yumans are nise, they are cul.

  And Fox 41 woslike, all snoty: O rite! Very funy! I’m sure we are going to trust the same Fox who once clamed he went to Collage with some Baby!

  Fox 41 bringing up that Baby was so not cul.

  Once, long ago, at that Story window, I day-dreemed those Yumans invited me in and let me hold there Baby. And that Baby luvved me so much, we soon jerneyed to Collage together, whering are little Collage Hats! It was grate! At Collage we lerned such Yuman skils as Werking Machines, and How to Play a Violin Complete Lee Screechy.

  But when I came home and told my Foxes about going to Collage with that Baby, they did not beleev me. To proov it, I desided to show them my Collage Hat.

  Which was when I remembered I had day-dreemed the hole thing.

  The only Collage Hat I had was in my brane!

  Tray embarasing.

  So that is why, in Groop Meeting, Grate Leeder woslike: No, Fox 8. No Mawl. Gud input tho.

  I terned to my other Foxes and woslike: Guys, pleese suport me on this.

  But fownd the eyes of my other Foxes lolling up at the seeling.

  Fox 4 woslike: No ofense, Fox 8? Your ideas are not super praktikal.

  Dreem, dreem, dreem, said Fox 11.

  Fox 41 woslike: Fox 8, does this honestly never get old for you?

  Grate Leeder woslike: I have spoken.

  And something in me woslike: Grate Leeder, bla.

  I still luvved him but it woslike he was not being all that Grate. Or even a Leeder. I meen no disrespek. It was just a strong feeling in my hart that it was no gud for Foxes to give up and just be ded on perpose.

  All that nite I cud not sleep for beens. But just lay awake, looking sad lee around at all my sleeping Foxes. And woslike, in my brane: Frends, you do not look so gud. The hare of your cotes is manjee. You are neerly all eyes, due to: super hungry. Your sides are like heeving in your sleep. Deer Foxes! You have known me sinse, as a Pup, I tryed to bite my own face in our Rivver. You knew me bak when, day-dreeming, I stepped in Poop of Wolf and brot it bak inside the Den, causing everyone to rinkle their snouts, going like: Fox 8, jeez, how cud you not smell Poop of Wolf when it is rite on your own dang paw? But you forgave me, and when I had got most of the Poop off, by rubing against a tree, even helped me lik myself all the way gud.

  And sinse I luv you, shud I not do my best to save you?

  Hense I desided to go alone.

  And next morning set off for the Mawl.

  You may have herd the Yuman frase, What are frends for? Well, I will tell you. Frends are for, when your hole Groop terns its baks on you, here comes your frend, Fox 7, of who I spoke of erlyer, as being the first Fox I ever spoke Yuman to, troting up beside you.

  He woslike: I’ll go with you, Fox 8.

  I woslike: Dude.

  He gave this small shrug, like: No big deel.

  We troted awile in gud cheer. Soon here was the Mawl. Cud we kros Par King? We
cud. And did.

  Here is how you do it:

  Take a deep breth. Look left and look rite, very vigrus. Careful, careful.

  Go. Go go go! Do not even paws.

  FoxViewCommons is now bowncing, because you are galupping so fast.

  A Kar almost gets you! Do a panic-yip. Stop. Take a slite brake under another Kar. Try to go. Too bad, you can’t. Too skared! Do a miner worry-yip.

  Go!

  Paws!

  Look again, look again. Go. Stop! Look again.

  Just reely buk it!

  You made it!

  And are not ded.

  But now there was a problem we had not mulled, which is: a Dore. Dores being a problem for Foxes, due to being hevy, plus there handels may be hi.

  But luk was with us.

  Just then, a very Yung Yuman, a meer Todler, todled past with a smile of possibly thinking we are Dogs. There in her hand, we noted: some fud! It looked gud and smelled grate. It is a Bun! All of the suden, we desided to enter into a Fare Deel with her, whereby we wud share her Bun, by us taking it.

  But then, quik as the wink, she is intaken into the Mawl, with one hand in the hand of her Mother and, in the other hand, our Bun! And before we knew it, we too, lerd by her fud, had been intaken into FoxViewCommons, rite threw their Dore!

  There is a hi music sound. The ground is like glas. Or ise.

  And o my frends, the things we saw!

  We saw the Gap! We saw Eye Openers! We saw a Pet Store, with captured Kats! We saw a small River that, tho flowing, did not smell rite. We saw some Fake Rox. We saw Trees. Reel Trees, inside FoxViewCommons! It made us want to dig a Den! We saw a groop of Yung Yumans, waring brite close and dansing fast, and some Old Yumans we think are there mothers, hopping about kwite eksited, yeling advise, such as, Pik it up, Kristal! Or Smile, Kara, why look so sad wile dansing, babe? We saw a round thing which had Fake Horses upon it, on which they are enslaved and made to go circular, as Yung Yumans enjoy it by being plased on bak of them. I was left to wonder: Why wud Old Yumans enjoy putting Yung Yumans on Fake Horses? It was a total mistery. And remanes so. It is as if an Old Fox enjoys putting his Yung Fox on a Fake Deer. I for one wud not enjoy that. Altho it might be funy at first.