I want to hate him so bad, but I can’t all I have for him is a deep, ingrained love that completely consumes me. How will I ever get past that?
I don’t know how long I stay crumpled on my bed, but my door eventually opens and for the briefest second, I think it might be Nate coming back to tell me this was some sick joke, but it’s not. It’s Brooke and the second she sees me, she collapses down beside me and pulls me into her arms. “What’s wrong?” she gasps, holding me tight. “Are you hurt?”
She’ll never understand just how hurt I truly am.
“He left me,” I say through my sobs.
“What?” she questions quietly. “Who left you. Your dad? Did he go back?”
“No,” I cry. “Nate. He broke up with me. He just… he left me.”
“What?” she gasps in disbelief. “No. He wouldn’t. He loves you more than life itself.”
I shake my head against the pillow. “Apparently, that’s not enough.”
“Shit,” she curses under her breath. “I’m sorry, Torz. What happened?”
I shake my head as another lump gets caught in my throat. If she makes me talk about it, I won’t be responsible for the horrific mess I turn into. I’m already too busy trying to figure out how I’m going to get past the next few days without breaking down. I mean, he broke up with me. Nate Ryder is no longer my boyfriend. I’ve always wondered just how shitty it would be having a guy like Nate dump me. I always assumed it would be brutal. But I was safe. That was never going to happen to me. Nate was mine and I was his.
I’ve never been so wrong.
My watery eyes meet Brooke’s concerned ones. “I… I can’t.”
“It’s ok,” she whispers, pulling me in tighter so my head rests firmly against her shoulder. “Just cry. We can talk when you’re ready, and then we’ll work out how to sucker punch him without him seeing us coming.”
I nod my head and that’s exactly how we spend the next few hours. I cry on and off against Brooke’s shoulder as she holds me and continuously offers me water, ice cream, and chocolate while she watches a movie on Netflix, one that I haven’t even bothered looking up to watch.
Chapter 14
It took me two days to allow mom to shove food down my throat.
Three days to talk about it.
Four days to answer my phone.
Five days to get out of bed.
And six days to answer the door.
“Fuck, you look like shit,” Jesse says, walking through my bedroom door. Though, I guess I have to give him credit for actually knocking and waiting patiently for me to decide if I was going to bother getting up.
“What do you want?” I groan, looking into a pair of eyes that look so much like Nate’s.
“What’s going on? You haven’t been at school all week and Nate has been a bigger asshole than usual. Are you sick or something? Did you guys have a fight, because if you did, I think it’s about time you kiss and makeup.”
I stare at him blankly as he makes himself comfortable on the bed that has become my salvation over the past week. “Are you serious?” I scoff in disbelief, making him look up at me in confusion. “He broke up with me.”
“What?” he grunts in complete disbelief.
I don’t say anything, just watch the way he replays my words over and over again in his head, trying to make sense of it, basically the same way I’ve been doing for the past week. I slowly nod my head as he continues watching me, just in case my red-rimmed eyes and crushed soul aren’t enough to get the point across.
I watch as understanding dawns in his dark eyes. Maybe he’s making sense of how I haven’t been at school all week or maybe how Brooke has been making it her personal mission to glare at Nate every chance she gets, though I don’t know how she manages that as I’m sure she’s still glaring at Maxen as well.
Jess pushes himself up on my bed so he can watch me a little closer. “You’re not joking, are you?” he questions in horror.
I slowly shake my head and purse my lips. “I wish I was,” I tell him, willing the tears to stay at bay. I’ve already cried so much over the past week that my eyes physically couldn’t handle anymore. They simply hurt too much.
“Shit,” he groans as he lets out a heavy breath. He gets up from my bed and crosses to me in two big strides before wrapping his warm arms around me and pulling me in. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs with deep regret. “Are you alright?”
I shake my head against his chest before pulling out of his arms. “I miss him.”
Jesse is quiet for a while as he gives me the comfort I’ve been craving since Saturday, but it’s not the same. I need Nate. “I just… I don’t get it. Why? Did something happen?”
“Jess,” I groan, flopping down onto my bed. “Don’t make me talk about it.”
He nods but I see a million questions flying around his head, making him look just as confused and lost as I feel. He flops down beside me and puts his hand down on top of mine before giving it a firm squeeze. “I’m sorry. It’s just… I don’t understand it. Did you guys fight or something?”
“No,” I sigh. I kind of wish we had, that would make it a little easier to accept. “He doesn’t think he’s right for me. His lifestyle. I’m getting in too much trouble and I’m throwing away my future.”
“Fuck,” he grunts. “This is about the fights and the fire, isn’t it? He’s worried you’re going to get hurt.”
“Newsflash. I already got hurt,” I say as a flashback of orange flames cloud my vision.
“He’s a fucking idiot,” he growls as he leans forward onto his elbows and shakes his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe he didn’t tell me.”
“Jess,” I groan as my eyes begin to sting. “Please, can we just… stop talking about him? It hurts enough as it is. I don’t want the reminder.”
He lets out a heavy breath and turns to face me before standing and attempting to pull me up behind him. “Come on,” he says. “I’m taking you out. I don’t want you moping around your room over that asshole any longer.”
I pull my hand back. “No,” I say. “I’m not feeling it tonight.”
“Tora,” he demands, looking at me as though I’m a lost child who needs to be pulled back into line. “Get your ass dressed. We’ll go to a party and have a few drinks. I promise you’ll feel so much better. You need to let loose. You know what they say; the way to get over a guy is to get under another.”
The thought of being with someone else surges through me and cuts right down into my soul, making me feel sick. “Jess,” I groan. “Go without me. You’ll have a better time.”
“Tora,” he demands again, grabbing my arm and giving it a solid yank, making me fly right up to my feet. “You’re coming out with me whether you like it or not. We’re getting fucked up.”
“No, Jess. Please, just leave me alone. I want to be alone.”
He walks over to my closet and starts picking out clothes and I find myself storming over to him, completely overwhelmed by my emotions. I mean, the idea of going out to a party, where I’m sure Nate is going to be, sounds like a horrible idea. I want to dive back under the covers of my bed and disappear.
“Stop it,” I yell at him as I snatch a dress out of his hands. “I don’t want to go to a fucking party. I want to stay home. I want to mope. I want to live in a bubble of my own depression. I refuse to go out and be the pathetic ex-girlfriend who breaks down in front of everyone when some other girl tries to get him in bed. I’m not doing it, Jess. I won’t put myself through that.”
He looks at me as though I’ve just kicked his puppy. I’ve never lost my shit at him and realizing what I’ve done makes the tears spring to my eyes. “Please?” he says, quietly, looking at me with pity.
I shake my head as the look he gives me cuts a little too deep. “Not tonight,” I tell him, hastily wiping at my eyes. “I want to be alone.”
He purses his lips as he studies me before letting out a low sigh. “Fine,” he says, looking down at the ground. “I’ll see
you later.”
With that, he walks out the door, leaving me feeling worse than when he got here.
Great. I’m a fucking bitch now, too. Nate was right. I have changed. I’m here yelling at the one guy who has done nothing but be an incredible friend to me.
I collapse back onto my bed and curl my arms around my pillow before crying into it, just like I’ve done every other day this week. I didn’t think it’d be so hard seeing Jesse. I mean, he’s just Jesse, yet he shares the same eyes and dark hair with a man that I’m so in love with. Jesse is part of our inner circle and breaking it to him was almost as bad as the actual break up.
I try to find a book to read, but nothing keeps me interested. All I can think about is that party tonight. No doubt Nate is going to be there and I can only just imagine the girls falling at his feet. But what’s worse is that now he has no attachment to me. He can do whatever the hell his heart desires with those girls and there’s not a thing I can do about it.
The thought kills me, but the mental image is worse. So much worse.
The door of my room flies open and within the blink of an eye, Brooke stands before me looking down at me in disgust. “Ugh, I had a feeling you’d be moping in bed.”
“Ever heard of knocking?” I grunt, rolling over to face away from her.
“Ever heard of not being a depressive ass rat?”
“Ever heard of leaving me the hell alone?” I throw back at her, sending a nasty glare over my shoulder.
“Wow,” she smiles, innocently. “You’re such a treat. I’m so glad I came over.”
“What did you expect?”
Brooke lets out a heavy sigh and comes and joins me on my bed. “Don’t push me away,” she begs. “I know you’re hurting. I’ve just been through this and I was like you. I just wanted to be alone, but you came and forced me to go out and that helped. Now, it’s your turn. I’m not going to let you hole up in your room like this. You haven’t left the house in a week, and quite frankly, you stink. When was the last time you showered?”
I narrow my eyes on her. “Did Jesse call you?”
“Jesse?” she grunts in confusion. “No. Why would he call me? He basically forgot I exist after I turned him down the other week.”
“You turned him down?” I mumble into my pillow that smells faintly of Nate. Reminding me again, that it’s a smell I’m going to have to forget.
“Yeah,” she says. “I couldn’t screw him after dating Max. I’m not ready for that yet, even though it would have been incredible and a great way to get back at Max, but I’m just not ready. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
I slowly nod my head. “I know the feeling.”
“We’ll get there,” she tells me. “It sucks, but we’ll eventually move on.”
Yeah… nah. I don’t see that happening.
“Come on,” she says. “There’s a party at Crystal Summers’ place tonight. Why don’t you come with me? We can dress up, look hot, and show those boys what they’re missing.”
I don’t respond and she leans over the top of me to get a good look at my face. “Please?” she begs with big puppy dog eyes. “Don’t you want to slut it up and stick it to him?”
“No,” I groan. “He didn’t hurt me in the same way that Max hurt you.”
“What about getting so trashed you can’t feel it anymore? So wasted you forget all about Nate Ryder?” Fuck, that sounds good. “You need to get out,” Brooke continues as she sees the idea starting to grow on me. “Be a little wild. Reckless. Go crazy. Do something you never thought you’d do in a million years.”
“Reckless?” I murmur.
She gives me a smug grin as though she’s won something. “Yeah.”
An idea strikes and I can’t help but grin back at her. “I can be reckless.” I mean, what do I have to lose? Nate left me. My father left. My Nanna died. What does it matter if I’m a little reckless?
“Good,” Brooke says. “But before you go apeshit crazy and show the world that you’re the new bitch in town… you need to shower first. I mean, good lord. It smells like an ass died up in here.”
“Fine.”
With that, I throw the blankets off me and grab my pillow. You know, the one that smells like him. First things first, I pull the pillow out of the cover and find myself a pair of scissors. “What the hell are you doing?” Brooke shrieks.
“It smells like him,” I tell her as I stab the pillow and start shredding it to pieces. “How am I supposed to move on if I’m coming home every night to a pillow that reminds me of him?”
“Good point,” she grunts before grabbing the sheets off the bed and ripping them back. “In that case, your bed needs a makeover.”
Pain rips through me. I was wanting to hold onto those sheets. Nate and I have done many naughty things between them, but this is a good thing. Brooke is right again. In order to move on, I can’t be holding onto the past. “I need a ‘Nate’ box.”
“A what box?”
“A ‘Nate’ box. All the things he’s given me, all the little reminders, all the special things. They’re going in a box and I’m throwing it away.”
“Good idea,” she says. “I’ll fill your ‘Nate’ box while you shower.”
“K,” I grunt, walking towards the bathroom.
“Wait,” she calls out. “Where the hell do you keep boxes?”
I explain where she needs to go and a second later, she dashes out the door. I go to walk back to the bathroom when I start truly thinking about this Nate box. Can I really get rid of this stuff? I remember the shirt he had given me the night of the pool party. It felt like a second skin to me. That night was the first time Nate and I had talked to one another like decent human beings. That night… it was special. I had gone home the next morning and taken the shirt with me, claiming it as my own. It was so right and the thought of parting with that kills me.
I look back to the door and run. I dig through my drawers, searching out the shirt and finally feel the fabric between my fingers. No, I definitely can’t throw this away. I desperately look around the room for somewhere Brooke can’t find it and see my couch. I unzip one of the cushions and slide the fabric in, being careful not to let it look too lumpy.
Feeling like I’ve done a good enough job, I walk into the bathroom and close the door behind me. The second the door closes, my bedroom one opens.
Crap. That was close.
I reach into the shower and turn the taps before stepping back and waiting for the water to warm. I strip off my pajamas which I’ve been wearing for a few days and step into the water. Closing my eyes, the water cascades down over my head and helps me feel somewhat normal.
If I’m going out tonight and will most likely see Nate, then I want to look good. I want him to see the woman he gave up. I want him to crave me. I want him to come running back, desperately apologizing and begging me to take him back. I want him to tell me he still loves me. I need to hear those words. It’s only been a week and I’m already drowning without them.
How the hell am I ever going to get through this?
My whole body aches from spending the last week crying. I’m physically and emotionally drained. Nate was my world for so long, in fact, he still very much is, and now that world is coming apart and I don’t know what to do.
I’ll never get to hold his body against mine. Never taste his lips. Never hear his smooth, velvety voice whispering those three words. All because of some stupid fighting, low grades, and a fire. I thought we were stronger than that. I thought we could withstand anything. I thought I’d walk down the aisle and have his babies one day.
I’ve never been so wrong.
As I run the razor up my leg, my mind begins to wander. I want to get wasted, just like Brooke suggested, but I have another idea. One that will surely make me forget him, if only for a few minutes.
I finish shaving my legs and wash my hair before stepping out of the shower. “Hey, Brooke,” I call out as I wrap the towel around my body.
“What?” she yells back as I walk out of the bathroom to find a box sitting on my newly made bed with ‘Nate’ scrawled across the top.
“I think you’re right, but instead of slutting it up, I want to look badass. Untouchable.”
“Really?” she beams with excitement.
I nod my head as we dive into my closet. “But on one condition,” I tell her, watching as she turns to study me. “We make a detour before we go to the party.”
She considers me a moment as she tries to work out what the hell I could have planned before shrugging her shoulders and reaching for a tiny black dress and my thigh high black, heeled boots. “What the hell,” she laughs. “Put this on then we’ll do your makeup.”
I look at the outfit. That’s more her mood than mine. Instead, I go for the white crop, ripped jeans, and combat boots. I get myself dressed and half an hour later, I look in the mirror. I look fierce. I look like the perfect example of a girl you don’t want to fuck with. I look like the girl people would have expected Nate to date in the first place. I look nothing like myself and I love it.
My chestnut hair is down, my eyes are smoky and dark, my boots make me look like I don’t give a fuck, and my top is showing just enough of my toned stomach and cleavage.
As I said, I look fierce.
My look gets Brooke inspired to slut up her outfit just a bit more and twenty minutes later, she’s wearing my little black dress and thigh high boots. The second she deems herself hot enough, we step out the door and head straight for my R8. “Shouldn’t we take my car?” Brooke questions.
“Not for what I’ve got planned,” I tell her before dropping down into my car.
The second my ass hits the smooth leather, I pull out my phone and send off a quick text.
Tora – You better save a drink for me. The plan is to forget.
He texts back instantly.
Jesse – Fuck yeah!!!!! It’s on!!
Chapter 15
I drive down the long dirt road until I can’t possibly drive any longer. Bodies litter the race track, cars line the outskirts, music is blaring, and the sound of engines revving down on the track are heard from miles away.
Broken Hill Hurt: The Broken Hill High Series (Book 3) Page 13