Losing You

by Gen Ryan

  Losing You © 2017 by Gen Ryan

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any written, electronic, recorded, or photocopied format without the express permission from the author or publisher as allowed under the terms and conditions with which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution, circulation or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly. Thank you for respecting the work of this author.

  Losing You is a work of fiction. All names, characters, events and places found therein are either from the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any similarity to persons alive or dead, actual events, locations, or organizations is entirely coincidental and not intended by the author.

  For information, contact the publisher, Hot Tree Publishing.

  www.hottreepublishing.com

  Editing: Hot Tree Editing

  Cover Designer: Soxiational Cover Art

  ISBN: 978-1-9254-4854-2

  DEDICATION

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  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  TRADE ME COLLECTION

  DEDICATION

  ___________

  To all the brothers and sisters out there, never let each other go. Cherish every moment because you never know when it could be your last together.

  1

  ___________

  BRAD

  “I got first place!” Taylor, my little sister, said excitedly. “Come on, Brad. Wake up!” She jumped up and down on my bed, making my head bounce against the pillow. I buried myself deeper into the blanket and she landed on top of me. I grunted loudly and then groaned as I pulled the blanket over my head. Taylor kept jumping despite my protest of the early wake-up call. I loved being home with my family, but that meant I couldn’t sleep until noon; Taylor made sure of that.

  “Taylor!” my mom yelled. “Leave your brother alone. Let the poor boy sleep.”

  “I just wanted to tell him I won first place at my swim meet.”

  I inwardly sighed. Her voice was soft and I knew she was pouting, her lower lip jutting out as it always did when she wasn’t getting her way. Even hidden under the blanket and not able to see it, I caved.

  I kicked off the blanket and blinked. Taylor had opened the windows so the California sun was blazing in. I’d lived here my entire life and always thought the sun was beautiful, the way it heated your body and glistened across the ocean, but it was blinding and took some time to get used to.

  “He’s awake!” she exclaimed as she cuddled down next to me and pulled the blanket around herself. “See?” She shoved her first-place medal in my face. I took it in my hands and smiled.

  “That’s great, Taylor.” I ruffled her hair.

  “Now I can go surfing with you. I’m old enough and a strong swimmer.” It was a statement, not a question. My eyes darted to my mother, who stood in the doorway to my bedroom. She threw her arms up in defeat and walked away, leaving me alone with that one.

  “Taylor, swimming in the ocean is much different than the pool. There’s the tide and waves....”

  She rolled her eyes. “I’m not a baby. I’m nine.”

  I couldn’t fight back my smile. I still looked at my little sister like she was a baby, because she was the baby of the family. The baby that wasn’t planned. I was twenty-one years old and she was nine. Big age difference. But my parents loved her, and I loved her. No matter how old she got, she’d always be a baby to me.

  “It’s dangerous and I don’t want anything to happen to you, kiddo. You’re my favorite little sister.” I jumped out of bed and pulled my T-shirt over my head.

  She jumped up with me. “I’m your only sister.” She crossed her arms. I looked down at her. When had she learned to argue so well?

  “Case closed, then. I can’t let anything happen to my only sister.” I ruffled her hair one last time before padding out to the kitchen for some breakfast.

  “Mom,” Taylor groused. “He won’t take me surfing.”

  My mom shot me a sympathetic look. “Maybe it’s time for her to learn.” She shrugged. My dad barely knew how to swim. He could doggie paddle, but that’s about it. My mother, she didn’t even know how to tread water.

  “She’s only nine,” I stated as my mom laughed.

  “You were only five when you first stepped foot on a surfboard.”

  Taylor beamed. “See?” she demanded. “I’m behind! How am I going to be a professional surfer like you when I’m already four whole years behind?” She sat down next to me at the island table and started to eat the breakfast my mom set in front of her.

  I shook my head. I was outnumbered. I was an experienced surfer and on my way to some major competitions. Hell, everyone thought I could go pro. It was my dream. But out there in the ocean, I was only responsible for myself. Where my feet were, what wave was coming for me. I sighed as my mom and Taylor glared at me. I wasn’t going to get out of this one, seeing as how I was one of the best semipro surfers around. I supposed I could teach Taylor a few things and make sure she learned correctly.

  “Fine. We can go.”

  Taylor jumped up and down, her crazy blonde curls breaking free from her bun. My mom brushed a kiss to my forehead.

  “You’re a good brother,” she said to me.

  “Yeah, yeah.” I swatted my mom away.

  “I’m going to be just like you, Brad.” Taylor smiled and ran off with the promise of getting on her swimsuit. Although taking her out made me nervous, I couldn’t help but smile. She wanted to be just like me. I took a sip of my coffee and admired the sun shining on another beautiful California day. Who was I to deny Taylor her dreams? I could help her accomplish them, teach her everything I knew, and that’s what I intended to do.

  ***

  The beach was fairly quiet. Usually it was filled to the brim with people, many of whom wanted to try their hand at surfing. This time of year, in the dead of summer, tourists lined the beaches and took over the waves. I tried to steer clear and go to more secluded areas, but the public beaches were less brutal. Taylor wanted to be like me, but I had to start her off small, ease her into it. Surfing was an art form, like painting or woodwork, where the misplacement of a foot or twist of a hip could alter the outcome drastically, sending me falling into the water below. But sometimes, that misstep could be beautiful and send me riding on a wave. It was a lot like life that way: you never knew what would happen next.

  I watched Taylor as she looked out at the ocean, her blue eyes glistening, the sun reflecting off her wild hair. She and I looked alike, with blue eyes, blond hair, and skin that took to the sun. I smiled as she took the board I’d lent her and ran to the ocean. She squealed with delight when she jumped in, and I joined her.

  “Let’s paddle out farther so I won’t knock myself out on the ocean floor,” she suggested.

  “Wait!” I said. Taylor stopped and I pulled myself to her board. “Hook on to me, just in case.” She rolled her eyes but obeyed, latching herself to me. I was grateful she didn’t protest because, just like earlier, Taylor had a way of getting what she wanted.

  “Cowabunga!” Taylor screamed as a wave came and we paddled through it. We did this for what seemed like forever, catching the waves on our stomachs, but th
ere was no place I’d rather be.

  “I want to try to stand.” Taylor wobbled as she struggled to stand up.

  “All right. So when the wave comes”—I pointed out to the ocean—“you have to get it at the right point and ride it out.” She nodded. I opened my mouth to give more instruction, but she was already prepped and ready to go.

  Like the pro that she was destined to be, she managed to ride the first wave for a few seconds before crashing into the water. I panicked, but she came up giggling and wanting more.

  “Do one with me!”

  I hesitated. It was safer if I was there to catch her when she fell.

  “I want to stay alert. Be here when you go under.”

  “Aw, come on. We’re attached.” She flashed me her wrist and I looked at the long rope that was attached to my board. Her lower lip jutted out as my hesitation creeped back in. “Please?” Taylor pleaded.

  I looked out on the ocean, the smaller waves making music as they crashed against the rocks and shore. I loved the sounds of waves crashing against the earth. It was serene, calming, and made me forget about everything except surfing. The ocean cured bad moods, wiping away worries and anxiety. It grounded me, even though I was far from the ground. It tethered me to infinite possibilities, an ocean of them laid out before me. Any moment in the water was perfection.

  “All right. Then we should get home. Mom wants you home in time for lunch.”

  She grinned. I looked out just as another wave came through.

  “Here’s a good one!” I called, steadying myself on my board, preparing to jump up. I looked at Taylor, her blue eyes meeting mine right before the wave took hold. It turned into something big. Something much bigger than the smaller ones she’d been riding. I jumped up on my board effortlessly and rode it out. I glanced to my side at one point and saw Taylor doing the same. She looked so happy, and I’m sure my cool brother points were racking up.

  Just as quickly as the wave came, it left. My heart was pumping fast from the high of the ride, and I let out a small laugh.

  “Killer wave, little sis.” I looked around and saw nothing. Was she still under?

  “Taylor?” Her board popped up from under the water and my heart stopped. Where was she? I swam to where her board was but I still didn’t see her. My head started to spin. I took a breath and closed my eyes to gain my composure.

  “Taylor!” I cried. Why wasn’t she answering me? I tried to remember my lifeguard training. To put to use everything I’d been trained for over the years. It was so hard to focus when fear pulsed through my body. She had to be okay. Taylor had to be okay.

  The rope! We were attached. I pulled on the rope that connected us. I pulled and pulled until there was nothing. No more rope and no Taylor. My little sister was gone.

  2

  ___________

  BRAD

  Four Years Later

  “Dammit!” I took the rag from the table and covered the oozing gash on my hand.

  “You good, man?” Max came up behind me and squeezed my shoulder. Max inherited Craver Automotive after his father passed away a few years ago from cancer. I’d gone to school to learn some of the trade and help him out with the transition. Truth was I hated cars, but I was helping out a friend, and I needed to make a living somehow. Surfing just wasn’t in the cards for me anymore, especially since I now called Rhode Island home.

  “You seem a little distracted today.” Max motioned to the hand I’d just sliced open. I was distracted but that seemed to be the norm lately. It was coming up on Taylor’s birthday; she would have been turning thirteen. I smiled thinking of the type of young woman she’d be. Still a pain in my ass, but God, she would have been so beautiful. I’d probably have been chasing boys away with a bat. I’d wanted to be that big brother and protect her from everything, but I’d failed.

  I sighed, removing the rag from my hand and looking at my cut. Max handed me the first aid kit and I cleaned and bandaged it.

  “I know we don’t talk about”—Max averted his eyes—“stuff, but if you ever want to, I’m here.” He placed his hand on my shoulder before whisking it away. Max and I became closer friends when he was going through some things with my best friend, Melanie. Melanie and I had been friends forever, meeting in middle school when she lived in California before moving to Rhode Island to start fresh. Guess Rhode Island was good for do-overs, since it wasn’t long after she left that I was trailing behind her and looking for my own new beginning. Melanie always made friends easily and when she met Max, they hit it off and started a pretty serious relationship. Problem was, Max was secretly gay, and let’s just say things were awkward for a while as he sifted through his own problems with becoming who he was. I didn’t make things any easier when I slept with the man he loved.

  The awkwardness didn’t last long. Melanie ran the shop now, Max had accepted who he was and married Jason, and all seemed right in the universe. Except for me. I had nightmares, daydreams, you name it, about Taylor’s drowning. Although it was an accident and no one blamed me, not even my parents, I blamed myself. I was her big brother and I’d failed to protect her.

  “Thanks, Max. I appreciate it.” I shoved the rag in my pocket and went out to the front office to chat with Melanie. I truly did appreciate Max reaching out to me. He didn’t know what had made me who I was. The dreams, the struggles. To him, I was a confused gay man. Similar to him but open about my sexuality. I’m sure he just thought I couldn’t settle down.

  I wasn’t a man whore, but I tried to find myself and bury my emotions in men. I craved a connection, someone to make me forget, and so far I’d come up empty. Jason and I had briefly had a “thing.” But he didn’t love me. I was his way to forget Max. It didn’t feel good to be on the other end of that. I hadn’t been with anyone in a long time. My mind was making up for the loneliness, peppering me with memories of my sister’s blue eyes, her smile, her carefree nature.

  “Hey, Brad.” Melanie smiled as she continued to file paperwork.

  “Hey.” I slumped down in the chair in front of her desk.

  “You all right?” She closed the drawer and sat across from me.

  “It’s almost her birthday.” Melanie reached out and squeezed my leg. I didn’t have to tell her whose birthday I was talking about. “I keep thinking about her.” I flashed her my bandaged hand. “I got so distracted remembering what happened that day that I cut myself.” I shook my head. “It’s getting worse, not better. Isn’t time supposed to make everything better?” My voice cracked and Melanie came to kneel beside my chair.

  “Time doesn’t make the pain go away, sweetie.” She took my hand. “Especially when you refuse to talk about it.” My back went rigid. Lately, Melanie’s thing had been wanting me to talk to someone about my problems. I didn’t know why I was so adamant about not doing it, but Taylor was mine. She was my sister and I didn’t want to share her with anyone.

  “Melanie, I told you. I don’t want to talk to anyone.”

  She sighed and stood.

  “Why?” She crossed her arms. “Since you came to Rhode Island, you’ve been dealing with the grief and guilt of losing your sister. It hasn’t gotten any better.” Tears rimmed her eyes. “If anything it’s gotten worse.” She motioned to my cut hand. “I want you to get better. To talk through whatever’s bothering you. Lord knows you won’t talk to me, and that’s okay.” She sighed. “Maybe a stranger is better.”

  I looked at her. She’d dated a man for two years, got engaged to him, only to find out he loved someone else, a man. She was strong, despite all that had happened to her. Melanie was still his best friend, a constant in Max’s life despite what he’d done. She’d been able to move on from the pain. Why couldn’t that be me? Why couldn’t I just move on?

  “Stop doing that.” She brushed her tears aside. “I can tell you’re overthinking everything, and no comparing yourself to me. What happened to me was different. I told you this. Someday I’ll find my man. Hopefully before I’m thirty,” sh
e mumbled. “But I’ll find him. You”—she poked my nose—“need a little extra help. You’re young, have a full life ahead of you. Don’t let your past dictate your future.” She smiled.

  I shifted in the chair, letting her words sink in. She handed me a business card and I glanced down. It was for a therapist.

  “I didn’t get through it all on my own, Brad. She helped me.” I stared at her, shocked. We shared everything, yet she’d hidden this from me? “I wanted everyone to think I was brave and strong, but I needed a little extra help to see perspective in my life. She’s great. You’ll love Abby.”

  I clutched the card in my hand, the severity of my situation sinking in. I was young, only twenty-five. I did still have my entire life ahead of me. What life would I be living if I constantly had the weight of my sister’s death on my shoulders? I couldn’t swim anymore. I hadn’t stepped foot on a surfboard since that day. Swimming was the thing that had brought Taylor and me together. It was also the thing that tore us apart.

  I stood up, still clutching the card in my hand. Melanie hugged me. I let it all go then. My body broke down, my shoulders heaving with sobs for my sister.

  “I miss her so much, Melanie.” She rubbed my back, whispering words of comfort. I missed Taylor. I missed swimming and surfing. I’d tried to build a life without her, cutting off my family and letting her memories drag me down. Drown me. I was ready to take my life back, heal from the loss that weighed on me. I was ready to let my sister go.

  3

  ___________

  COLTON

  “I can’t do this anymore, Colton.”

  I placed my weapon on the side table in my new home. It was a beautiful ranch; the house Ben had had his eye on for the past year. I had finally saved up enough money for a down payment. It required me to work a lot, picking up any overtime shifts I could. That meant not as much time for Ben and me. He’d said he understood; apparently he didn’t.