I didn’t need to be with her to know she was freaking out. Keep crossing paths? Just be civil? Did she think we could just be strangers who saw each other occasionally?
Abso-fucking-lutely not.
Austin: My place or yours?
Marnie: Austin…
Austin: I’ll be there in five.
Marnie: I’m at the shop.
Five minutes later, I parked outside of Luscious Lavender and rushed to the door with my head down. A light rain had started to fall, and it was as cold as ice. I knocked twice before I heard the lock turning. Marnie opened the door and didn’t say a word. She just stepped to the side and let me in. After relocking the door behind me, she moved deeper into the shop to put distance between us. Quickly, I glanced around to make sure we had privacy. I didn’t want to discuss this with an audience.
“No one else is here,” she whispered as if reading my mind.
I nodded. “Why were you freaking out?”
She shook her head. “I wasn’t freaking out.”
“You’ve never lied to me before Marnie, so don’t start now.”
Fury flashed in her eyes, turning them from brown to black. “I’m not lying, Austin,” she spat, before storming across the shop and away from me.
“So, what? You say you want to talk about what went down between us, and now you suddenly want us just to be civil when we see each other on the fucking street?”
She froze, then spun back to me. Her hands went straight to her hips, and her eyes narrowed fiercely. “I spent seven years thinking I didn’t mean a thing to you, and that I was a distant memory, and then I come home, and you’re telling me you want me back, and it’s game fucking on. I’m not a game, Austin. I’m so goddamn confused, so yeah, forgive me for not wanting to trek down memory freaking lane with you.”
With my eyes glued to hers, I stepped toward her, speaking as I did. “Are you really going to stand there and tell me that I haven’t thought about you every single day since you left?”
“You pushed me away, Austin. You were the one who said no to spending forever with me. What the hell was I supposed to think?” she cried out, throwing up her hands in frustration. “You broke my heart into a million pieces.”
I only stopped moving to her when there was barely any space between us. She tilted her head back to look up at me with tormented eyes. We were officially going to war against each other. This conflict had been brewing for seven fucking years, and the bomb was about to detonate. All I could do was hope that it didn’t wipe us out completely and that we could rise from the ashes.
“The scent of coconut and flowers. The final seconds before the sun sets on a hot summer’s day. Strawberry and chocolate milkshakes. And every time whiskey hits my lips. Those are just a few things that remind me of you. But more than anything, the biggest reminder is that my heart beats for you. It did back then, and it still does today. You, Marnie. Only for you.”
“You need to stop saying things like that!” She turned her back to me and dropped her head. I stood staring, waiting, and cursing my fucking self.
“I’m not going to stop telling you how I feel or what I want. I refuse to lie to you. I’ve never lied to you, Marnie, and I don’t plan on starting now.”
“You’ve never lied?” She scoffed before storming back toward me, only stopping when the toe of her boots hit mine.
“No.”
“You lied when you spent four years telling me you loved me, and that I was the best thing to ever happen to you, and that one day we’d spend the rest of our lives together!”
I jammed my hands into my pockets to stop myself from reaching out to her. “I wasn’t lying.”
Sucking in a short, frustrated breath, she finally asked for my truth. “Then why the fuck did you say no!”
“Because at that moment, I wasn’t enough for you!” I roared, my frustration and truth spiraling out of me without restraint. “I was pissed off at the world, and I was petrified that I wouldn’t be enough for you. You were the only good thing in my life. I spent four years loving you like you were my reason to live, to breathe, to get out of bed in the morning. Living with the fear that I didn’t deserve your love crippled me, and every fucking day, I woke up thinking today was the day you’d realized I’d held you back from living your dreams.”
She shook her head vigorously. “You were my world. I loved you with all my heart, and that was never going to change.”
“When the two people who should give their life for you, who should love you unconditionally, who should protect every breath you take barely acknowledge your existence, it burns deep into your soul. It penetrates your every thought, it encourages every insecurity, and it taints your heart. The confident, happy-go-lucky front I put on was utter bullshit. No matter how much I said it didn’t affect me, it did. But I had to be strong for Ashlyn. I had to be strong for myself.”
“I could have been strong enough for both of us,” she whispered, her voice cracking with every word.
“You had big dreams, Freckles, and I was barely existing. I couldn’t take you down with me.”
Her eyes darted between mine. “My dream was starting a life with you.”
“Marnie, your dream for as long as I’ve known you was to go to college, become a florist, open your own shop, and be surrounded by flowers and plants and beauty every day. It was expanding your wings and traveling the world. Paris, Sydney, London, Berlin. All those places you mentioned.”
She shook her head again, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I could have lived my dreams and still been with you.”
Giving her a sad smile, my voice was thick with emotion when I replied, “If I’d said yes, you wouldn’t have left Monroe. You wouldn’t have chased down everything you wanted. My dream was to become a cop with my best friend and follow your dad’s footsteps and work under his leadership. It meant staying in Monroe.”
She dropped her head and turned away, moving to the other side of the workbench. I watched her closely as tears pooled in her eyes. She was gnawing aggressively on her bottom lip, and her focus was on her fingers running along the lines of the wood grain of the bench.
“Do you know what hurts the most?” She glanced up, tears now spilling freely over her cheeks. She didn’t attempt to wipe them away. “We could have had babies by now. We could have created a family to call our own. I would have loved you more and more each day, because Austin, I would have. I would have loved you like you’ve never been loved before, but you ruined that for us. You stole that from us by making a decision we should have made together. I could have done everything I wanted to do and still been yours. In my eyes, the love we shared would have withstood everything. Ending us, stealing our chance at a future, destroying our forever was not your decision to make.”
I stared at her as her words smashed into my heart. She was right. I had done this. I’d broken her, us, and me in the process. Everything she mentioned was everything I had wanted. Babies, a future, forever, every single thing.
“Freck—”
She put up her hand to stop me. “You shouldn’t call me that anymore.”
I couldn’t ignore the heaviness sitting in my chest that this felt like we were ending all over again, but this time, we’d never had the chance to even be an us.
“Do I regret what I did? Every. Single. Day. Saying no to you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When you left that first time, I was gutted, but when you left again after we spent the month together after we lost your dad, it destroyed me. But then I started hearing stories of you traveling the world, studying to become a florist, and working in what I was told were the best florists in the world, and I knew, I just knew deep in my soul that I did right by you even if you hated me for it. Because while I was struggling to find my place in the world, you were making the world your own. We were young and in love, making promises and plans that I truly wanted and still want. But my fears that there’d be a time you’d resent me for holding you back overtook everyth
ing. I felt that resentment every day from my parents, and I could deal with that in my own fucked-up way, but if I ever felt that from you, I would have never survived.”
All I wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and beg for her forgiveness until the end of time, but I kept my distance. I had no right to comfort her or touch her. I’d lost that right seven years ago, but without a shadow of a doubt, I was going to do everything in my power to earn that right again.
“If I have to spend every second of my life proving myself to you, I will. If I have to show you that I am man enough to be your support, your confidant, and your lover again, I will. There hasn’t been anyone even remotely close to my heart since you, and there won’t be anyone in the future. Because Marnie, you own it; it’s been yours since I first locked eyes on you in front of Ben’s parents’ house on that balmy July 1st afternoon, eleven years ago.”
She wiped her tears while her eyes begged for answers. “I don’t know what to do with any of this.”
“Scream at me, yell at me, hit me, do whatever the fuck you need to do,” I begged, closing in on the workbench and giving her every one of my truths and fears. “But please, don’t shut me out.”
Her hair curtained her face when she stole her eyes from me. Her soft sniffles caused my own eyes to water.
“I need you to go,” she whispered, before stepping out from behind the bench and walking to the door. With her hand on the handle and her back to me, she dismissed my existence.
“Marnie.”
“Please, just go.”
I nodded once even though she wouldn’t see it. She was done with today, and right now, she was done with me. I’d give her what she wanted today. I’d give her a moment to step into her head, but I wouldn’t give up on her, on us. I couldn’t do that ever.
When I reached the door, I covered her hand with mine, and she finally looked at me again. Her tears had ceased falling, but her eyes still glistened and were rimmed red.
“I’ll give you time if that’s what you need, but my future has always been with you. Even if you don’t believe that.”
I didn’t say anything else. I stepped out of Luscious Lavender and back into the dreary rain falling from the overcast sky. The weather was a perfect match for the somber mood hanging over me.
After tugging my jacket tighter around me, I wandered to my car, not giving a fuck that I was getting drenched. I sat behind the steering wheel with my eyes locked on the windows of Marnie’s shop and waited for her to move away from the door. It was only when she disappeared out of sight that I pulled away with my heart feeling heavier than it ever had.
“I’m not really in the mood to watch the game,” I muttered to Crazy John who stood on the other side of my door carrying a six-pack of beer. I’d completely forgotten that we were watching the game at my place this week.
“And I’m not really in the mood to get older, but it’s happening, just like watching the game is happening.” He nodded behind me into my apartment. “In we go. Ben and Drew are on their way with food, so I want to get the best seat before they get here.”
With a huff, I stepped to the side after grabbing the six-pack out of his hand. He entered, wearing a shit-eating grin on his face. Even though he, Sasha, and Drew were not blood relatives, they all shared the same level of stubbornness, and tonight, he had his on full display.
I’d kept myself busy since I left Marnie. I spent longer than usual at the gym, I bought a shit ton of groceries, and I got home, stripped my bed, and washed and dried the sheets, comforter, and pillows, and then remade it. I’d even got the guest room ready for Ashlyn, Josh, and Aria who weren’t coming to town for another few weeks. I’d never been so fucking productive in my life. But I needed the distraction. It was either distract myself with mindless errands and housework or rush back to Marnie, beg for her forgiveness, and potentially fuck up any chance I had with her in the future.
So errands won out.
I grabbed each of us a beer and put the rest in the fridge. When I got back to the living room, I found that he’d taken the recliner and had promptly pushed it back so he was lying there with his legs crossed at the ankles, looking like it was his usual spot.
“You comfy?” I scoffed, handing him a beer.
“I’m an old man. I deserve to be comfy.” He uncapped the bottle and tilted his head back, taking a long swig before directing his attention back to me. “You got anything you need to get off your chest?”
Christ, was I that transparent? I shook my head and slumped onto the couch. Throwing my legs up on the coffee table, I rested an arm on the back cushion, holding my beer between my fingers. “Nope.”
“Hmm,” he muttered. “I call bullshit.”
I uncapped my own beer and took a sip. Out of the corner of my eye, I found him staring at me expectantly, and I knew he would stop until I started talking. I didn’t even know where to start. Marnie’s face, her tears, her voice, her words—fuck, it all destroyed me. The feelings steamrolling through me were the same as they were seven years ago, though it honestly felt worse. Because now we were older, we were settled, and some would say we even had our shit together, so to be so easily dismissed by her was gut-wrenching.
I drained half of my beer, then spoke. “Marnie and I have an intense past, and we talked it out today. She’s hurt and pissed. I’m thinking there’s no chance at all for us, and it’s fucking with my head because there’s no one else for me, and it’s all my fucking fault.”
I sucked in a deep breath, but it didn’t help at all. I didn’t feel any better now that I’d said it out loud. Turning back to the game, I stared at the television, but I didn’t take any of it in.
“You need to give her space, but you still want her to know you’re there.” Crazy John spoke softly. “She needs to let this all sink in. I’m sure she’s an entirely different woman from who she was back then, just like you are a different man. Basically, she has to work out what her life could be like with you in it now. I know what I’m about to say will piss you off, but you can’t push her too hard. If you do, you might push her into the arms of another man, and I’m sure that’s the last thing you want to do.”
My jaw tensed. “Yeah, that’s one thing I never plan on doing.”
“Well then, you need to remind her what it’s like to have you in her life, but also what it would be like to have you in her life now. Send her texts, get Missy to deliver her favorite coffee, get Gigs to make her favorite cake, I don’t know … just do something.”
That was actually a pretty awesome idea. Marnie loved coffee, and she loved food, and I knew one restaurant, in particular, she was obsessed with that you could only find in Monroe. Isn’t there some saying that says the way to someone’s heart is through their stomach? Also, while Ben and I were in Michigan, Sasha had mentioned that Marnie had been crazy busy at the shop, so I’m thinking she doesn’t have time to run out to grab coffee to feed her addiction. Looks like I’m going to become her supplier. Shit, this was sounding better by the second.
“How do you know all this stuff?” I chuckled as my brows shot up.
He pretended to sweep long hair off his shoulder. “I might be Monroe’s most eligible bachelor, but I have been known to romance the ladies in my time.”
I chuckled as my mind raced with ideas. For the first time all day a sense of ease hit me full force.
I’d give Marnie time.
But nothing would stop me from trying everything in my power to win her back.
If it took a day, a week, a month, a year. I’d get back my girl.
I had to.
There was no other option.
Nineteen
Marnie
I cried loud sobs and silent whimpers for two days.
I didn’t know what to do with Austin’s revelations. There had been plenty of moments when all I wanted to do was run to him, jump in his arms, and say everything would be okay. But then I’d remember my heartbreak and insecurities, and confusion would set in, and it w
ould be more intense than ever. The fear that he’d do this again was real. Could I ever trust him again?
He hadn’t contacted me, and I hadn’t reached out to him, and I didn’t know if I would. Confliction was a bitch, and she had taken up residence in my head and didn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon.
As soon as I’d shown up for work this morning, Mom knew something was wrong. My puffy eyes and miserable face were a dead giveaway. She didn’t ask questions, though, she just stayed closer than usual and would wait until I was ready to talk.
“Morning!”
I jumped at Missy’s cheery greeting after she entered the shop. I’d been so engrossed going through the recent orders that I hadn’t even heard the door open.
“What’s that?” I asked, my brow scrunching when I looked at her hands, which held a large to-go coffee cup, and a white paper bag with the diner’s logo on it.
“Coffee and breakfast,” she replied effortlessly.
“But I didn’t order anything.”
“You didn’t, but someone did.” She winked and thrust the bag into my hands. “I’ve got to get back to the diner. Talk soon!”
“Wait! Who ordered this?” I called out after her.
She spun around before leaving and smiled. “Austin.”
What the hell?
I looked at the bag, but my grumbling stomach already knew what was in there. My senses were going crazy with the smell of bacon and barbecue sauce. Before opening the bag, I looked at the cup, and sure enough, there was my favorite coffee order written in Sharpie with my name under it.
Lifting the cup to my lips, I took a long sip, moaning as the strong coffee hit the back of my throat. I was surviving on limited sleep these days, so caffeine was my new best friend. Sure enough, when I opened the bag, I found that Austin had sent over my favorite breakfast sandwich. I was half expecting a note, but the bag was empty.
My Only Reason (Men of Monroe Book 2) Page 17