Hidden Chapters

by Mary Grand

  ‘Our most loved child Aled

  “All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”

  Song of Solomon Ch4 v 7.’

  Out here, Catrin felt happier, more at peace. Her father asked everyone back to the house. There were simple maps provided with the service sheet.

  David and Anwen seemed to be leading the way. Bethan was chatting to them. Catrin looked around for her father, but was surprised to see him engrossed in conversation with the strange woman who she had spotted earlier. She then saw him lead the woman round the side of the church, out of sight. She was about to go and see what was going on when she remembered David saying something about her grandfather Hugh’s woodwork in the church. She wanted to see if she could find it. Most of the people had left. When she went into the church there were only a few people left tidying up. Idris, the vicar, saw her and came over.

  ‘Catrin, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes. Thank you for the service.’

  ‘I’ve officially retired now, but your father asked me to do the service today. He’s worn a lot better than me, I have to say.’

  ‘You knew about my grandfather Hugh? I came in to find his work.’

  ‘Oh, yes. I’ll show you. He made these.’

  He showed her two small wooden crosses. Catrin looked at the beautiful crafted wood.

  ‘Apparently, he used reclaimed driftwood, washed up here on the beach. I think it’s cedar.’

  ‘They are beautiful.’

  ‘Yes, your Grandmother Beth gave them to the church after the war. She was worried, you know, that my predecessor wouldn’t accept them because of–’

  Catrin looked at him. ‘You know what happened?’

  ‘I was told. Most people in the village knew really. Your family is very complicated, isn’t it? I think it has seen a lot of hurt.’

  ‘I suppose so. But then, everyone has their share, don’t they?’

  ‘You have a point. The reading I gave today must be my favourite passage in the Bible. To accept things instead of always fighting them. I think it is a better way.’

  He started to collect abandoned service sheets. Catrin went to sit down. It was peaceful in here. She felt reluctant to leave. She always felt churches were at their best when there were no people in them, when you could sit and think. As she looked around, she noticed a print of a picture she recognised on the wall.

  ‘Your mother used to come and sit just there, looking at that painting,’ said Idris.

  ‘Did she? I didn’t know she came to church here.’

  ‘Not to services. She used to sit in here. It must have been a few years before Aled died.’

  ‘Ah, she was feeling a bit better. She’d been unwell.’

  ‘I know what happened. She told me.’

  ‘Oh, did she?’

  ‘Yes, and she told me you had looked after her, given up a lot for her. I think she was reassessing things.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Aled had always been the favourite, hadn’t he? Never did anything wrong. But I think something happened to change her mind.’

  ‘What was that?’

  ‘She wouldn’t say, but I think he hurt her, upset her. She said she was starting to appreciate you more, and also felt you had not been treated well by your father. She got upset one day about it.’

  ‘How was that?’

  ‘She was sitting looking at this picture and I asked her if she knew what it was.’

  ‘It’s a print of Holman Hunt’s ‘The scapegoat,’ painted in eighteen fifty-four, I think,’ said Catrin.

  ‘That’s right. You know your art history.’

  ‘It’s a funny looking goat: very hairy and all on its own. I don’t like it. It’s disturbing.’

  ‘It’s a difficult subject. From the Old Testament, you know. The scapegoat was chosen on the Day of Atonement. It had a red cloth wrapped on its horns, like in the picture, and then it was sent out into the wilderness. The people symbolically put all their sins on it and sent them out into the wilderness with the goat.’

  ‘Seems a bit tough on the goat. It hadn’t done anything wrong.’

  ‘That’s exactly what your mother said.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes, and then she broke down, said she felt you had been treated like that, and that she had let it happen.’

  ‘She never said any of this to me.’

  ‘I think she felt too guilty and, you know, she was scared to upset the status quo in your family. Aled was the golden child. You were the scapegoat. It was how your father chose it to be, and she was petrified of losing him.’

  Catrin bit her lip. ‘All she ever worried about was losing him. It was more important than everything, everybody.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  Catrin sighed. ‘I never did understand it, you know. Why I annoyed father. I tried. I looked after Mum all that time. He’d come home. He never said ‘Thank you’. If the house wasn’t tidy, he said I was lazy. He told me I was stupid if I didn’t get all A’s like Aled, but he knew. He knew why I missed school so much.’ Catrin stopped, aware her voice was shaking. Then she took a deep breath. ‘How do you understand all this?’

  ‘Ah, because it’s close to home. It happened with me, but that’s another story. The thing is, Catrin, you were told a lie. You were told that you were stupid, lazy, and other things, I expect. But you have to believe deep down that that is a lie.’

  Catrin looked up at the picture of the goat, stranded in a wilderness.

  ‘I’m not on my own. I have a lovely family: people who care about me.’

  Idris smiled. ‘That’s good, wonderful. Make sure when they tell you that they love you that you believe them. You have a right to be loved unconditionally for who you are. You’re probably not used to it, but start thinking about what you want and need, and ask for it. It’s OK. It’s allowed.’

  Catrin smiled, but Idris wasn’t laughing.

  ‘And one more thing–’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Your father. You know, if he couldn’t show you unconditional love as a child, well, he probably will still find it pretty hard. So, don’t see it as your problem. It’s his. You don’t need to prove anything to him any more.’

  Catrin stood up, rather embarrassed.

  ‘It’s very kind of you to say all this, but, you know, I’m fine. You are not to worry about me.’

  They started to walk out of the church together.

  ‘I read a funny thing the other day,’ said Idris, when they reached the door of the church. ‘It said that the three most common lies people say are, firstly, ‘I have read the terms and conditions’; secondly, ‘I will start my diet tomorrow’; and, finally, ‘I’m fine’. Idris gave her a half-smile, but his eyes were sad. He walked away.

  Catrin blinked to adjust to the bright sunshine outside. She heard raised voices from the side of the church. She recognised her father’s voice, but not the female voice. She walked around the side of the church to find out what was happening.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Elizabeth had left the church quickly. She had not stood with the group around the bench. She hid around the corner, away from them all, in the shade, and tried to control her feelings. Maybe she should leave, speak to Lloyd another time. She knew how close to emotional breakdown she was: better to wait here and let them all go.

  Suddenly, without warning, Lloyd appeared. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’ he demanded.

  ‘Pardon?’ she responded, playing for time.

  ‘It’s Elizabeth, isn’t it?’

  She sighed. ‘That’s right.’

  ‘I was afraid it was you.’ Lloyd was very pale.

  ‘You look like you’ve seen a ghost,’ she said, as her courage returned.

  ‘Why have you come? You promised to keep away.’

  ‘I came to try to see Bethan.’

  ‘But you said–’

  ‘Not to talk to her, just to see her.’

  ‘
Now, look. You have no right to come here, causing trouble. You just get off now, before anyone sees you.’

  ‘I intend to leave, but there’s something to sort out with you first.’

  ‘You’re not talking to Bethan.’

  ‘I haven’t come to do that, but I want to know what you’ve been playing at. Someone has told Bethan that I am dead.’

  Lloyd glanced shiftily away.

  ‘Was it you?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘It certainly does. I think it was you. How could you do that?’

  ‘Look, I kept to my side of things. I never told your parents, did I?’

  ‘I realise that and I’m grateful. But you made promises to me. I’m angry that she’s been told I’m dead. It’s monstrous.’

  Lloyd visibly squirmed.

  ‘You didn’t want to see her. It was for the best.’

  Elizabeth’s anger was growing. ‘How dare you say that?’

  ‘But it was. You wanted the best for Bethan, and that was it. You clearly weren’t bothered. It’s not like you’ve wanted to know anything about her.’

  ‘I was keeping my side of the bargain. I said I would keep away, and I did. You betrayed that trust.’

  Lloyd very obviously looked her up and down. ‘You look like you’ve done well for yourself. I’d hardly have recognised you.’

  ‘I’m not nineteen now.’

  ‘No, of course. Have you your own family now?’

  ‘No. I never had any more children.’

  ‘Oh, so you’re suddenly going all broody. Is that it? You’ve decided you’d like a child after all. Miss all the messy stuff; just take her when she’s nicely grown up.’

  Elizabeth was shocked at the brutality of his allegations.

  ‘Of course not. I don’t even want to speak to Bethan. That’s not why I came.’

  At that moment, Elizabeth saw the scruffy woman from the church appear round the corner.

  Catrin glanced quickly between her father and the woman.

  ‘Hello,’ she said quietly. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t think we’ve met.’

  ‘I’m Elizabeth.’

  Catrin felt her heart racing. She looked to her father.

  ‘Sorry, do you mean you’re a relation of Elizabeth’s?’

  ‘I am Elizabeth. Bethan’s mother.’

  Catrin frowned. Was the woman drunk? ‘That’s impossible.’

  ‘No. Your father has been lying to you.’

  ‘But–’

  ‘I did it for the best,’ her father said, firmly. ‘When that social worker started telling you that you should think in terms of working towards Bethan meeting her mother–’

  ‘I never asked for that,’ interrupted Elizabeth.

  ‘I know, but they thought that you might change your mind. I know they told Catrin that one day it might be best for you two to meet; best for Bethan, anyway. I didn’t want any of that. It was best for everyone that Catrin was told you were dead.’

  ‘My God. Dad, you had no right to do that.’

  ‘Oh, come off it. Be honest, Catrin. You were pretty relieved when I told you.’

  Catrin felt herself going red. ‘I don’t know, but you had no right to lie to me, to Gareth, and to Bethan.’ She turned to Elizabeth, ‘I’m so sorry, but you never got in touch or anything–’

  ‘That’s what I agreed.’

  ‘I remember Dad said you’d wanted to leave us to bring up Bethan. You were off to university, weren’t you?’

  ‘That’s right. I still think I did the right thing. For me and Bethan. I assumed that, if Bethan ever wanted to, when she was an adult, she may try to find me. We could sit and have a sensible talk about it all. Obviously, I have my own life. She would have understood that. Maybe we could have met on her birthday, or something.’

  ‘You make it sound all very business like,’ said Catrin.

  ‘Well, that’s what I thought. You know, I’m not sorry I gave Bethan to you. I saw her today.’ Catrin noticed her voice soften. ‘She has grown into a beautiful and talented woman. Yes, I’m sure I did the right thing. But what Lloyd has done has been a real betrayal of my trust.’

  Catrin looked more carefully at Elizabeth. ‘I’m dreadfully sorry. It should never have happened. How did you find out?’

  ‘Angela told me. I’m staying at her B & B. She was just chatting. She has no idea who I am, but she let it slip.’

  ‘So you came down here before you knew. You’d come to meet Bethan. I thought you’d agreed not to do that. It’s not a good way just to burst into her life.’

  ‘I know it sounds silly. I am seeing now that it was naïve, to say the least. I thought I could come, just look at her, see she was alright. I didn’t think anyone would recognise me. I would have slipped quietly away if it hadn’t been these lies about me.’

  ‘So you needed to see her, to see Bethan.’

  ‘I just needed to know she was alright, know I’d made the right decision. I wanted to come back here, make peace with the place; finally say goodbye to Aled. And, of course, I guessed she’d be here–’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘I don’t believe her,’ said Lloyd. ‘I reckon she’s come to steal Bethan away.’

  ‘Of course I haven’t, but I’m shocked that Bethan has been told I’m dead. I’m sure you can understand that.’ She directed these words to Catrin.

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘You need to go. You’re not wanted here,’ demanded Lloyd.

  Catrin was surprised at how aggressive he sounded. ‘Stop it, Dad.’

  ‘No, I have to say it, Catrin. You’re too trusting. She’s come to take Bethan away from us. I’m sure of it. Bethan must never be allowed near her.’

  ‘I have no intention of making myself known to Bethan,’ said Elizabeth. ‘But I do want your assurance that you’ll tell her I’m alive. How exactly does Bethan think I died, by the way?’

  ‘An accident, skiing,’ said Catrin.

  ‘Well, I suppose there are worse ways to go,’ said Elizabeth, dryly.

  ‘Enough. You need to get out of this place now,’ insisted Lloyd.

  ‘I will go when I have your assurance that Bethan will be told about me.’

  ‘Of course we’ll tell her. Now, just get out of here,’ said Lloyd.

  ‘Catrin, I want your word.’

  Catrin looked at her father. She knew that he had no intention of telling Bethan and would not want her saying anything either. They were both waiting for an answer. She decided she must think of Bethan. What is right for her? Instantly, she knew.

  ‘Bethan has a right to the truth. Yes. I shall tell her that you are alive.’

  Catrin saw the look of relief on Elizabeth’s face as she replied, ‘Thank you.’

  ‘You’re a fool,’ her father said. ‘This will start Bethan wanting to find her. You’ll lose her then. We both will.’

  ‘I don’t want to take Bethan away,’ said Elizabeth. ‘This is quite ridiculous.’

  Catrin worried that, although she may say that, there was a very real threat of Bethan leaving her if she was to meet Elizabeth. After all, just looking at Elizabeth, she could see the likeness both in appearance and the way they spoke. However much Catrin might protest that she had done everything bar carry Bethan insider her, there was no doubt who the natural mother of Bethan was.

  ‘I’ll go,’ said Elizabeth.

  ‘You really don’t want to speak to her?’ asked Catrin.

  ‘No. I don’t think that would be a good idea. To be honest, I would imagine she hates me. I’m the woman who gave her away. Why shouldn’t she?’

  ‘If I tell Bethan you’re alive, she will be full of questions and I think she will want to meet you.’

  ‘As I said, we can keep it civilised. Maybe she could phone me to start with.’

  ‘There’s something you might not have realised. Bethan is Deaf.’

  Elizabeth turned white. ‘What? I didn’t realise. What happened? ’

  ‘
She was born Deaf.’

  ‘But she was playing the flute? She looked fine.’

  ‘She is fine. She wears hearing aids and signs. She speaks well but is part of the Deaf community as well’

  ‘That’s incredible. It must have been so hard.’

  ‘It was at times, but Bethan is very determined. She’s very musical. Are you? I mean, she does look like you.’

  Elizabeth blinked hard. ‘I never did anything with music. We do look alike, don’t we? I was surprised when I saw her.’

  Catrin nodded.

  ‘You have to go,’ said Lloyd, anxiously.

  Elizabeth agreed.

  ‘I need to get to the house,’ said Lloyd. ‘You have your car here?’

  ‘Yes. I shall leave today.’

  ‘Good.’

  Catrin was uncomfortable with the arrangement, but could not think what else to suggest. They seemed eager to leave, to get away. However, as they walked around to the front of the church, they were confronted by Bethan, looking very hot and bothered.

  ‘I came back for my phone. I must have dropped it in the church. Mum I’ve been trying to phone you from the house to pick it up. Why didn’t you answer?’

  ‘I’m sorry. I was talking, and my phone was turned off for the service.’

  Bethan looked at Elizabeth and frowned.

  ‘Hello?’ she said, glancing at Catrin.

  ‘This is Elizabeth,’ Catrin said.

  ‘Who?’ Bethan looked puzzled. She looked more closely at Elizabeth. ‘Have we met before?’

  Catrin could see that Elizabeth was close to tears. She looked in a state of complete panic. She wouldn’t have been surprised if she had just run off. However, Elizabeth stayed very still.

  ‘No, you’ve never met,’ said Lloyd. ‘This woman is leaving.’

  ‘Who are you?’ asked Bethan.

  Elizabeth didn’t seem to know how to answer. But both she and Bethan each started to wrap a lock of hair round their fingers.

  Catrin spoke. ‘I think you should be introduced. Don’t you?’

  ‘No way,’ said Lloyd, but nobody was listening to him.