Hidden Chapters

by Mary Grand

  Elizabeth nodded. ‘It was a shock, you know, seeing Bethan today. I’d underestimated how hard it would be. It was scary how much she looked like me, and her mannerisms: the way she flicks her hair and tucks it behind her little pixie ear, just like mine, it was spooky. And then she’s Deaf.’

  ‘Yes, that must have been a shock.’

  ‘It was at first, but, well, I can sign. My mother, you know, was Deaf’

  ‘No–’

  ‘Yes. It’s amazing, isn’t it?’

  ‘I’m confused. You said you never wanted to meet Bethan. Yet you came here.’

  ‘I thought I would just see Bethan. See she was alright. But I didn’t think anyone would recognise me. Then, you told me Bethan thought I was dead. I knew I had to speak to Lloyd about that. While I was talking to him, Catrin found us, and then Bethan came. It all sort of ran away with us.’

  ‘They must all have been very shocked to see you.’

  ‘Lloyd was furious at first. Bethan coped very well, I thought. Difficult to tell with Catrin. She didn’t say much. I have to say, Catrin seemed rather weak. She lets Lloyd speak to her quite rudely, and she doesn’t stand up for herself.’

  ‘That’s how it looks to you?’

  ‘Yes. I mean, she’s given up on herself, hasn’t she? I guess she’s one of those women who want to live her life through her children.’

  ‘Don’t be too hard on Catrin. She’s not always had it easy.’

  ‘Nobody has it easy, do they? But let’s face it; she doesn’t have to work like most people. She’s got it all: nice home, husband with a good job, the two girls. She’s not come out of it all so badly. She needs to get a grip and get on with her own life now.’

  ‘Sometimes life is a bit more complicated than that. Now, would you like that drink?’

  Elizabeth shook her head. ‘No, thanks. I think I’ll go out for a walk, get some fresh air before I turn in.’

  ‘Are you alright?’

  ‘I’m fine now. Just a moment’s weakness, really.’

  ‘What will you do?’

  ‘Do you think I could stay? I know I was meant to be going tomorrow–’

  ‘Yes, it’s fine. I’ve no-one else until the weekend.’

  ‘That’s great. Thank you. I’m seeing Bethan tomorrow. It’ll be fine. I think I’ll go and get some fresh air.’

  Elizabeth left the house quickly. She didn’t want Angela fussing around her. She walked up the street, glancing over at the Dragon House. There were lights on. She kept walking until she reached the pub. Outside, the smokers stood with drinks, some having left family in the pub, others were joined by friends.

  Elizabeth went inside, ordered a large vodka and tonic, and came back outside. She found a seat on the edge of the crowd. What was she to do next? She had promised to see Bethan the next day to go shopping. Yes, that would be a good thing: buy her some decent presents, and that would be enough. She should also set some boundaries. She had her own life in London. Bethan was separate from that and had to remain so. Elizabeth thought about Richard. There was no way he would cope with her having given away a baby. All this time she had insisted to him that she would never have children, was not the maternal kind. He would hate her. No, this had to be contained. Difficult, though. She had bonded with Bethan so quickly, really liked her. They had a lot in common. It would need careful handling.

  Chapter Twenty One

  At The Dragon House, things were quiet. It had been a long, emotional day. Nobody seemed inclined to chat. The caterers had packed up efficiently, and left. There was no need to cook as everyone seemed to be happy finishing up the left-overs.

  Catrin found Bethan in the garden.

  ‘How are you, love?’

  Bethan spoke breathlessly, smiled over-brightly. ‘I’m alright, Mum. It went OK, didn’t it?’

  ‘Yes, it seemed to. It was surprising she could sign.’

  ‘I know. Some of the signs are pretty dated, though.’

  ‘Really? They change?’

  ‘God, yes. I only recognised some of hers from the old people who sometimes come to Deaf Club.’

  ‘I’m glad you managed. Do you want to talk about it?’

  ‘Not really. Mum, you’re alright, aren’t you? You don’t mind me meeting Elizabeth do you?’

  ‘Of course not. No, it’s fine. I just don’t want you to get hurt, and it’s very sudden.’

  ‘I know, but, you know, I think everything is going to go really well.’

  ‘Shall we go for a walk, have a chat about things?’

  ‘No,’ Bethan replied rather brutally. ‘Actually, I’m going for a walk with Lowri. Shall we take Safi?’

  Rather surprised, Catrin thanked her and went to find Safi’s things. It was a long time since her daughters had spent time together. She was pleased, although, it would have been quite nice to have been invited to go with them. She handed over Safi. ‘Watch him on roads, and don’t let him off unless it’s away from roads and cliff edges. Don’t walk too far with him. Take water–’

  Lowri smiled reassuringly at her, and the girls left.

  Catrin sat out in the garden alone. The whole day had felt surreal, as if she could turn around and find it had all been some bizarre dream. But, of course, it hadn’t. She picked up her phone: no reply from Gareth. She went inside, and found her father watching the Olympics.

  ‘Dad, we ought to talk about today.’

  Lloyd glanced up, but with one eye on the television. ‘Mm, what about it?’

  ‘About Elizabeth. It was huge meeting her, and if you hadn’t lied it wouldn’t have been quite such a shock.’

  ‘I explained. I did it for your own good. Anyway, it’s turned out alright. Elizabeth seems to have done well for herself. No, it’s worked out well.’

  ‘I would hardly say that. A meeting between a birth mother and her child should be carefully planned. I’ve read about it. It’s important the meeting is done carefully. It’s a massive thing for everyone, and it can easily go wrong.’

  ‘Well, Bethan will always have us, won’t she?’

  ‘But she could be very hurt. If it goes wrong, it will be like being rejected all over again.’

  ‘I expect they’ll work it out,’ her father said, and turned back to the sport. Frustrated, Catrin returned to the kitchen.

  The light was fading. It was very quiet. Only the rustle of the late evening summer breeze in the hedges and the distant breaking of waves disturbed the silence. It had been such a warm, sunny weekend. Catrin wondered when the weather would break. Her mind picked at all the things that had happened. She was restless, and unable to concentrate on anything. She went inside, made coffee, and tidied the kitchen. She wanted to go to bed, but years of habit made her stay up to wait for the girls to return. When they came back, they looked tired but happy.

  ‘Good walk?’

  ‘Great.’

  Safi came running over to her, tail wagging.

  ‘I’ll go on up,’ said Bethan. Lowri went to find Mark.

  Catrin, feeling redundant again, locked up the back door and went upstairs to her room. From her case, she took a large album. It was a present for Bethan. She opened it and started to look though it. It was an album of photographs of Bethan from a baby right through to the present time. She’d had the idea from the social worker who suggested keeping a life story book for Bethan. It had seemed such a lovely idea she’d made one for Lowri as well and had given it to her on her eighteenth birthday.

  Catrin sat flicking through the photographs. She remembered someone saying that if you looked at photographs you would think that all children did was blow out candles on their cake and sit on the beach on holiday. There were certainly lots of those. Then she had an idea: maybe the right thing to do would be to give this to Bethan soon so that she could show the album to Elizabeth. Yes, she would give it to her tomorrow. She stroked Safi, got changed, and got into bed, leaving the windows open. She lay in the darkness, listening to the distant waves, until she fel
l to sleep.

  Tuesday 31st July 2012

  The next morning Bethan surprised Catrin by getting up early.

  ‘I just had a text from Elizabeth. She’s coming around.’

  ‘Oh, right. Well, I’ve had an idea. Wait there.’

  Catrin returned from her room with the album.

  ‘This was meant to be for your birthday, but I thought you might want to show it to Elizabeth.’

  Bethan took it and grinned. ‘This is like you did for Lowri? Thanks, Mum. That’s a brilliant idea.’

  Elizabeth arrived. Bethan took her into the garden. Catrin stayed with them. Catrin was struck again by how alike they were. They walked with the same upright confident stride.

  ‘Mum has given me something to show you,’ said Bethan.

  They sat at the wonky metal table. Bethan opened the album on it. Catrin had a momentary panic. She hadn’t really thought about it before, but would Elizabeth get upset, see it as a catalogue of things she had missed?

  ‘I thought you might like to see some of the things Bethan has done. Um, you don’t have to look at it if you don’t want to,’ she said quickly.

  ‘No, I’d really like that,’ said Elizabeth. ‘Never having had kids I don’t really have much idea, you know, of the stages they go through.’

  Bethan excitedly opened the album.

  ‘Of course. There aren’t any pictures just after my birth, you know, like there’s some of Lowri with Mum in the hospital.’

  Elizabeth smiled. ‘Hang on.’ She opened her handbag, and showed Bethan the Polaroid photograph.

  ‘There you are: you and me.’

  Bethan’s face lit up. ‘Look, Mum.’ She handed the Polaroid to Catrin. It was very strange for her, looking at a tinier Bethan than she had ever seen, and Bethan being held by this very young girl. What she had never imagined was the look of wonder she saw in Elizabeth’s face as she looked at Bethan. Somehow, she had never thought there had been any bond. She knew it shouldn’t, but it hurt.

  ‘You were beautiful,’ Catrin said to Bethan. She looked at Elizabeth. ‘You were very young.’

  ‘And I was very naive by the standards of today’s nineteen year olds.’

  Catrin handed the photo back to Elizabeth, and watched her put it carefully back into her bag. When Catrin thought how many pictures she had of Bethan it was moving to see how treasured this single photo was.

  Bethan started working though the album, explaining to Elizabeth in great detail the various birthday and holiday pictures. There were also photos of her in fancy dress, standing by Christmas trees, opening presents, and pictures of her with friends who had come and gone, and with Lowri, playing in the garden. As Bethan grew older, the photographs became fewer and more self-conscious: dressed up for parties, playing at concerts, taking part in school plays. Catrin thought Elizabeth might find it boring, but she seemed gripped, and asked a lot of questions.

  As they reached the end, Bethan looked up and grinned. ‘So, I can add a photo of you now.’

  Elizabeth smiled, but it was a sad, wistful look. A tear ran unchecked from the corner of her eye.

  ‘I missed so much,’ she said, quietly.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Catrin. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you.’

  ‘No, I realise that. Thank you–’

  ‘Yes, let me make coffee.’

  When Catrin returned, Bethan and Elizabeth were still talking.

  ‘Bethan was telling me about all the appointments and things when she was little. That must have been difficult.’

  ‘It was. The endless fittings for ear moulds, adjustments of hearing aids. Of course, there are all the embarrassing ones when I had to explain how we lost the latest, most expensive aid down the beach, or dropped it in the bath. Nothing was easy. Some of the teachers were great. Some refused to make any concessions to Bethan at all. She had an assistant, but I would hear that, instead of helping Bethan through a maths lesson, they’d been putting up a display in the hall.’

  ‘No? Really?’

  ‘Yes. It was a matter of fighting.’

  ‘Did they sign in school?’

  ‘Not usually. To start signing with Bethan was a big decision. You see, there were plenty of professionals who said that if I signed with Bethan she would never learn to talk.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. The idea is, you see, that she has this tiny bit of hearing, her residual hearing, and she must work hard at using that. They said that if she signed she wouldn’t, and so would never learn to talk. The way I saw it, Bethan was getting very frustrated. It didn’t seem fair, so I found someone prepared to teach us, and that is the way we went. The expression they used then was ‘total communication’, when you use speech and signing in parallel. I think it’s called something different now.’

  Bethan started to get bored.

  ‘Aren’t we going shopping?’ she asked Elizabeth.

  ‘Oh, yes. If that’s alright, Catrin?’

  ‘Well, I suppose so. What for, though?’

  ‘Elizabeth is going to buy me new clothes and things.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know–’

  ‘Please, let me treat her–’

  Elizabeth looked so desperate that Catrin agreed. They swopped mobile numbers, and Elizabeth and Bethan left together.

  Feeling a bit lost, Catrin took Safi out for a walk. She had returned, and was thinking about starting on some clearing out when her father came down.

  ‘Where‘s Bethan?’

  ‘She’s gone shopping with Elizabeth.’

  ‘What do you mean? We arranged yesterday that Elizabeth would come here.’

  ‘I know, but they’ve gone out now.’

  ‘Oh. Well, I suppose that is OK.’

  ‘You seemed to change your mind about Elizabeth yesterday.’

  ‘I suppose I think she could be a good influence on Bethan; might encourage her to do this audition, tell her about New York.’

  ‘You’re not worried about her coming to take Bethan away any more?’

  ‘Well I wasn’t. I didn’t expect her to go off with her like this though. I suppose I thought she would encourage Bethan to think about America.’

  ‘I don’t want her to go there. In a few years time, maybe, but not now. It’s too soon.’

  ‘Well, I disagree. I‘d love to have her out there with me.’

  Catrin frowned. ‘She could come and see you, Dad, but she should go to university. Gareth is right.’

  ‘What’s happened to him, anyway? He didn’t bother coming to the service yesterday.’

  ‘I don’t know, Dad. He was very angry.’

  ‘He was. I don’t know why. It’s not like him to storm off like that, is it?’

  ‘No, it’s not.’

  ‘You two alright, are you?’

  ‘Of course, Dad.’

  ‘Right, good. Well, I know I’ve always thought he could earn more, but he’s alright.’

  Catrin realised this was the equivalent of high praise from her father.

  ‘I thought I might do some more tidying upstairs today. By the way, a drawer and the wardrobe in mum’s room are locked. Do you know where there are any keys?’

  ‘Have you looked in the dresser? Loads of odds and sods in there.’

  Catrin looked, and found a small box full of odd keys.

  ‘Good. I’ll take this upstairs, see how I get on.’

  Catrin went up, but she didn’t go immediately to her mother’s room. She started on what they called the games room. What it contained was really more junk, not collectors’ items, like an original game of Monopoly, but old games of snakes and ladders with the dice missing and buttons replacing the lost counters. Some of these Catrin designated for recycling, but most for rubbish. Once she started sorting out, she found that the time passed quickly. A lot of the other stuff in the room was the sort of things found in hundreds of charity shops around the country: unbroken but unfashionable glasses, old prints in cheap frames, old recipe books and out of d
ate atlases. Catrin, like so many people, did not have the heart to throw out or recycle any of it, but boxed and labelled the items for the charity shops. Occasionally, she checked her phone, but there were no messages from Gareth or Bethan.

  Catrin carried on getting dusty and grubby sorting out the room.

  She made herself some lunch. Her father seemed content watching the Olympics. As she sat in garden eating her cheese sandwich, Catrin decided to try contacting Gareth again. There was no answer from his mobile. Then she tried the home phone number. To her surprise, Gareth answered.

  ‘At last, I’ve got hold of you,’ she said. ‘I did ask you to call me urgently.’

  ‘Sorry. I haven’t looked at my phone. I’m really busy. We’ve come back to work here. Can’t concentrate at the surgery.’

  ‘We?’

  Gareth went very quiet.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Catrin waited for Gareth to reply. Eventually, he spoke.

  ‘Oh, Carol came back here. We constantly get interrupted at work. So, how are things there?

  ‘A lot has happened since you left on Sunday. I‘ve been trying to get to speak to you.’

  ‘Is something up?

  ‘Yes. I’ve left you a lot of messages. You should have phoned back.’

  ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘It’s Bethan.’

  ‘What’s that, then?’

  As clearly as she could, Catrin told Gareth about Elizabeth.

  ‘I can’t believe this. You mean, your father lied to us?’

  ‘Yes. I guess he thought it was for the best. All I can think was that he was frightened of losing Bethan. Something like that.’

  ‘He had no right. For heaven’s sake, your father has never understood that we are Bethan’s parents. You should have stood up to him years ago.’

  As always, Catrin realised that the conversation was veering off to an argument about her father.

  ‘The point is, Bethan has now met Elizabeth.’

  ‘And how did it go?’

  ‘Actually, well. Bethan is with her all day today.’

  ‘Without you?’