by Mary Grand
‘You don’t need to be feeling guilty. That vow you made: it means nothing. It’s superstition. Do you think something bad will happen if you break it?’
Elizabeth looked down again.
‘That’s nonsense, isn’t it?’ He spoke gently.
‘I guess it is. But it doesn’t mean I want to have children. You know, I’ve made a terrible mess of things with Bethan.’
‘All parents row with their kids.’
‘But she hates me. She won’t want to see me again. I said to Catrin that it was over.’
‘Listen. You know, you probably broke every rule in the book, the way you and Bethan met up.’
‘Really?’
‘Of course. This sort of thing should be done very slowly, gradually building up the contact.’
‘I was really shocked when I saw her.’
‘Yes, and you can imagine what it was like for Bethan. She had no preparation for meeting you. She thought you were dead. And then, there you were.’
‘I suppose I hadn’t been thinking of it from her point of view that much. That’s it. You see, I’m very selfish.’
‘It’s natural. You also have a confusing mixture of joy, sadness, connection and loss. It must be very hard.
Elizabeth blinked. ‘I really did make an awful lot of mistakes, didn’t I? Do you think it’s too late to make it work?’
‘You don’t want to give up, do you?
‘No, but what do I do? Bethan just wants me to get her back to Gower.’
‘That’s not such a bad idea, is it?’
‘No. I suppose not.’
‘Take her back, but it doesn’t have to be the end, does it?’
Chapter Thirty Three
Friday 3rd August 2012
Catrin opened the curtains at seven the next morning. She had made her way back to her bed and spent a restless night. It was a murky day: the first time since arriving that they hadn’t had brilliant sunshine. Worm’s Head was shrouded in mist. The seagulls’ screeching was muffled. She felt stiff and her head was thumping. The world was a greyer place in every sense of the word today. Safi looked up. She stroked him. She read somewhere that a dog gives you comfort because he doesn’t ask you what’s wrong. Well, it worked this morning.
Catrin received a text from Bethan at seven to say that she and Elizabeth had left London. She went downstairs with Safi, took him out for a quick walk and had coffee.
Her father came downstairs. There was so much she wanted say to him, but not yet. Catrin needed time to think, to sort out her thoughts. However, as she watched him make his tea and toast, she saw him through different eyes. She was in a position of power. She knew what he had done. He was no longer in control. He didn’t realise it, but last night he had lost a battle, maybe even the war.
‘Right, it’s the audition at twelve. The Grand in Swansea, and we mustn’t be late. Why hasn’t Bethan got back yet?’
‘She s on her way. Look, it’s been a hard time. She might not want to go.’
‘She is going. This has taken a lot to set up.’
Catrin stood up. ‘No. Bethan decides, not you.’
Her father scowled, tried to speak, but gave up and walked away.
Bethan arrived back at about eleven. Elizabeth stayed in the car. Catrin went out to her.
‘Thank you for bringing Bethan back.’
‘It’s OK. We had a talk.’
‘Really?’
‘Things are a bit better.’
‘Look, what are you doing next?’
‘I’m going for coffee up at the hotel. I’m pretty shattered.’
‘I want to talk to you, but I have to look after Bethan.’
‘She told me she wants to do the audition.’
‘Oh, God.’
‘I tried to talk her out of it.’
‘Really? Is there any way you can wait around until the audition is over?’
‘Why?’
‘I need to talk to you.’
‘OK. I rang Angela. Her next guests aren’t coming now, so I’m going to stay another night or two. I’m worn out. I’m going to take a few more days off. There have to be some perks from being the owner of the gallery! I want some time by myself. It’s quiet here. I can think. Bethan can see me if she wants, but let’s just take it slowly.’
‘Fair enough. The thing is, could we meet somewhere on our own to talk?’
‘We could go to the hotel for coffee.’
‘Yes, good idea. I’ll phone you after the audition is over.’
‘Fine. Hope it goes alright.’
‘Thank you. We’ll talk later.’
Catrin went into the house. Bethan looked exhausted.
‘Love, how are you?’ asked Catrin, and gave her a big hug.
‘Actually, I’m alright. Elizabeth and I had a talk this morning, not a long one, but I think I understand better about this Richard. She’s told him now who I am.’
‘Good.’
‘Mum, I’m sorry if I upset you, going off like that.’
‘It’s alright.’
‘I don’t want to replace you. I mean, she never could. You do know that?’
‘I know.’
‘She’s just part of me, I suppose. I really wanted it to work.’ Bethan suddenly started to cry young, child-like tears.
‘Hey, I think it will be alright.’
‘Do you think so?’
‘Yes. I think Elizabeth wants it to work as well, you know.’
‘She said she does.’
‘Well there we are–’
‘You think it’s going to be alright?’
‘I do.’
Bethan stood back and sniffed. ‘Well, I’d better go and shower, then. It’s the audition.’
‘You don’t have to go.’
‘I think it would be good for me, got to give it a go. Sabrina wants me to get a selfie with Zac.’
Catrin, yet again, was amazed at her daughter’s resilience. She wished that she had some of it. Somehow, through all the dramas that came Bethan’s way, it was Catrin who ended up shattered and a wreck.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course. You will come with me, though, won’t you?’
Catrin smiled. ‘Yes, I’ll be there.’
‘Good. Right, then. I’d better go and shower.’
Catrin watched Bethan run up the stairs. Her father came into the hallway.
‘She’s gone to shower. She wants to go,’ said Catrin, abruptly.
Her father grinned smugly. ‘Good.’
Bethan returned, showered and changed.
‘Do I look alright?’ Bethan was wearing a long, red, silk skirt with a split at the side. With it she wore a white silk blouse. Her hair hung down like black velvet.
Catrin stared at her. ‘You look gorgeous. I’ve never seen those clothes before. They really suit you.’
‘Elizabeth bought them for me the first time we went out. They were really expensive.’
‘They look it.’
Lloyd beamed at Bethan. ‘Well, you look very nice. Well done.’
Catrin drove them to the audition. In the foyer of the theatre Bethan grabbed her mother’s arm. Catrin was familiar with the sudden panics.
‘I’m really nervous, Mum.’
‘I know, but you’ll be alright. Come on.’ As much as Catrin didn’t want Bethan to be doing this, she also didn’t want her to fail, to feel humiliated. She wanted Bethan to be the one making the decisions.
When they got to the front of the theatre, a young man dressed in black came over to them.
‘Are you Lloyd and his granddaughter Bethan?’
‘That’s right.’
‘Good. Come with me, then.’
They found themselves guided behind the scenes, down a corridor.
‘Mr Freestone is in here.’ The young man knocked on the door, waiting until a low American voice told them they could go in.
Catrin could feel Bethan shaking next to her. It helped her conquer her own ner
ves. She had to look after Bethan. Lloyd was at his most effusive.
‘Fantastic to see you again. Thank you so much for giving us your time, Mr Freestone.’
Zac Freestone looked up impatiently from his laptop, but then he saw Bethan and stood up. ‘It’s Zac,’ he said to Lloyd, but his gaze went beyond him to Bethan. Bethan smiled. Catrin signed to her what Zac Freestone had said.
‘Ah, of course, you’re Deaf. Forgot. Sorry. I can’t sign.’
‘It’s OK,’ said Bethan, quietly.
‘Well, let’s get on. You brought your, um…what do you play?’
‘Flute.’
‘That’s good. Come on, then.’
‘Oh, now?’
‘Of course.’
‘I need to warm up,’ said Bethan.
‘Well you’d better do that quickly, then.’
They followed him into the theatre. There were people vacuuming and tidying up, ready for the afternoon. Zac had a word with a few young men dressed in black, who spoke to the cleaners. Soon the auditorium was very quiet. Bethan took out her flute and warmed it up as best she could. Catrin could see that her fingers were shaking and she looked very scared.
‘I wish I’d brought the flute you and Dad gave me. I brought the one from Grandad because I thought I’d upset him if I didn’t, but I don’t feel confident with this one.’
‘You’ll be OK,’ said Catrin. ‘Imagine you’re playing to me in the living room at home.’
It was a line she had used before many exams. It seemed at least to take the edge off Bethan’s nerves.
‘Come up with me, Mum.’
‘I can’t come on the stage–’
‘Well, stand at the side.’
Catrin saw Zac was sitting by her father, in a row about a third of the way back from the stage. He was looking impatient, like somebody not used to being kept waiting.
‘Come on, then. Let’s get on with this.’
They went up on to the stage. Catrin stood nervously in the wings. Bethan walked into the centre of the stage. Catrin could hardly bear to watch. Her stomach was churning over.
Bethan raised the gold flute to her lips and started to play. She had no sheet music. It was as if Bethan and the flute were one. She played a piece called ‘The Lark’. It was as if a lark was singing above the theatre, its sweet, endless song. The sound filled the theatre. Catrin was moved.
When Bethan had finished it seemed to leave an almost unbearable emptiness. Zac stood up and came up on to the stage.
‘This is it,’ thought Catrin. ‘She’ll be going.’
‘Right’ said Zac. ‘That was good, but I expected that. The thing is, we could do with changing your image a bit.’
Bethan scowled at him. He called to Catrin.
‘Hey, can you come and sign for me?’
Catrin walked over. She looked at Bethan and started to interpret for Zac. It was as well. He spoke fast and he looked around all over the place, making no concessions to Bethan at all.
‘Well, let’s face it: the point is, you’re a Deaf girl playing. Well, no-one would know, would they? You need to get that hair back off your face, get some bigger hearing aids if you can. We need to scream out that you’re a Deaf girl playing a flute. Now, it would be better as well if you could wear something a bit more, you know. Well, you’re a pretty girl–’ Catrin stopped, horrified at what she was being asked to sign. Bethan glared at her. ‘I’m sorry,’ Catrin signed. ‘His words.’
Bethan turned to Zac and shouted. ‘I’m not a freak. I’m a musician who happens to be Deaf, and proud of it.’ Tears of anger spilled down her cheek. Catrin thought for a moment that she was going to hit Zac with her flute.
‘It’s my way or not at all.’
Bethan didn’t need that interpreted. ‘Piss off,’ she sneered at him as she stormed off the stage. Catrin looked at her father, who was looking very embarrassed.
Zac shrugged. ‘Your loss,’ he said, and headed off, back to his dressing room.
Lloyd went running after him, but Catrin went after Bethan.
She caught up with her in the foyer.
‘Are you alright?’
To her amazement, Bethan was smiling. ‘Stupid wanker,’ she said.
Finally, her father came out, looking very red-faced.
‘How could you embarrass me like that?’
‘He’s a prat.’
‘It’s not too late. You must go back in and apologise–’
‘No, Grandad. I don’t think, to be honest, I want to go to America at the moment.’
‘But you must–’
Catrin was shocked at the desperation in her father’s face.
‘Dad, she doesn’t have to do this.’
‘Typical. This is all about you, isn’t it? Not wanting Bethan to leave you, to have her own life,’
‘No, Dad. As always, this is all about you.’
Her father turned away from her, and faced Bethan.
‘Bethan, is that what you want? To go to some university, come out with a worthless degree, when you could be famous, rich?’
Bethan started to twist her hair around her finger, tighter and tighter.
‘Yes, Grandad. I think it is. I was looking though my course again online. It looks really good,’ she said quietly.
‘I’ve spent a lot of money on you over the years. I deserve this.’
‘Stop it, Dad,’ shouted Catrin. ‘This is enough. I’m making the decision. Bethan is not going for this and we are going home.’
Catrin saw her father clench his fists in frustration, but she ignored him, and she and Bethan walked back to the car. She heard her father following but didn’t dare look round. Once in the car, Bethan sat in the back texting friends. Catrin sat silently in the front with her father. There were light splashes of rain on the windscreen. Initially, when Catrin turned on the windscreen wipers, the screen was smeared with the dust and dirt that had accumulated over the past week. As they drove out of Swansea, the rain became heavier. Catrin increased the speed on the wipers. As they turned into the village the rain was running down the gutters, and only the most determined smokers were huddled under the awning outside the pub. As soon as they parked, Bethan opened the door and ran inside.
Catrin turned to her father, who was sat, ashen faced, staring out of the window. ‘I’m sorry, Dad,’ Catrin said, ‘but it wasn’t the right thing for Bethan.’
‘I could have given her a good life out there,’ he responded bitterly.
‘She’s not ready to go.’
‘I’d always dreamed of a life out there with Aled, you know.’
‘Had you?’
‘I wanted to take him out there when he was little.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes. I’d started looking at high schools for him, but your mother wouldn’t allow it, and I found out I couldn’t legally take him.’
‘You were going to take him without Mum?’
‘Yes, but the law said I couldn’t.’
‘And me?’
‘You?’
‘Yes, me. You would have left me here?’
‘Of course. You had to look after your mother.’ He spoke very matter of factly.
‘How old was I then?’
Lloyd looked puzzled. ‘Hang on. It was when you were applying to college. That was it. Your mother was in a good patch. Aled was about twelve.’
‘And you hid my pictures to stop me going so that I would look after Mum while you went to America with Aled.’
He nodded as if she was a rather slow child who had just worked out how to do a simple maths problem.
‘Did Mum know you were planning that?’
‘Not too much, but I realised when I checked things out legally that it wasn’t on.’
Catrin scowled at him. ‘Didn’t you feel guilty leaving me with mum?’
‘No, you were always alright. You’d always been fine.’
‘Actually, I wasn’t always.’
‘Nonsense.’
&
nbsp; ‘It’s true. It was really hard. I missed out on a lot. I was always anxious and worried about Mum.’
‘But she wasn’t too bad. I would come home and often you said she’d been better.’
‘For God’s sake, Dad. You just wanted to believe that. It suited you to think I was OK, but you knew I wasn’t.’
He opened his mouth to speak, then stopped himself, and looked hard at Catrin.
‘Anyway, it all worked out for you, didn’t it? You got yourself a doctor and your girls.’
‘But inside I’m not alright. It’s left scars, Dad–’
‘Oh, I don’t think so.’
‘Stop it,’ she shouted. ‘You always trivialise my feelings, the things I’ve been through. It’s not fair.’
‘You were like her, understood her. I didn’t.’
‘If you had loved her, you would have tried.’
Lloyd clenched his fists and spat out the words which followed. ‘Look, I always came back, didn’t I? God knows, I dreaded it, but I came back. You should be grateful. I did the right thing by you all.’
‘Did you?’
‘Of course I did.’ He glared at her. ‘I provided for you and your mother. You never went without.’
‘We went without love, unconditional, something for nothing, love. That’s what we all went without.’
‘That’s ridiculous.’
‘No, it’s not. I’m actually seeing things clearly for the first time. It’s tough, but I understand things now.’
Her father looked away. ‘All this bloody talking does more harm than good. No more, that’s enough. No more.’ He got out of the car, slammed the door, and walked through the rain back into the house.
Chapter Thirty Four
Catrin picked up her phone and rang Elizabeth, then drove straight up to the hotel.
Elizabeth was sat in a comfortable lounge with a pot of coffee. She looked up at Catrin and, without asking, ordered more.
‘How did the audition go?’
‘Bethan didn’t like this chap, Zac. He was a bit of a creep, to be honest. I was proud of the way she stood up for herself.’
‘That’s good. I’m sure she will be better off going to university.’
‘So do I. Dad is really upset, though.’