by Mary Grand
‘Your father, Catrin. He’s a difficult man, isn’t he? I don’t just mean because he lied about me. He doesn’t treat you very well, does he?’
‘No, he doesn’t. I realise that now.’
‘I’m sorry for what I said about you and Bethan. Is that what you wanted to talk about?’
‘Partly, but also about Aled.’
‘Ah–’
‘I’ve never wanted to dig too deeply, you know. I had a sense there were things I didn’t know, but I was too scared to look for answers. I could have looked up the inquest findings. I could have done a lot, but I didn’t want to know. That’s the truth of it. It was like skipping over the bits in a book you don’t want to read. I should have, though, if only for Bethan.’
‘Did your father tell you?’
‘No, I don’t think he will never admit it to himself, let alone me’
‘So what happened?’
‘I found something in Aled’s room.’
‘What was that?’
‘I found a small bag of white powder.’
‘Ah–’
‘Please, Elizabeth. Tell me what really happened.’
‘What, everything?’
‘Yes.’
‘OK. Like I told you, when I first met Aled, I was absolutely bowled over. He was so charming, good looking, and clever. Everyone liked him. He was very popular.’
Catrin smiled. ‘Yes, that was Aled.’
‘It was one side of Aled,’ corrected Elizabeth. ‘I was hugely flattered when he noticed me, and we went out for drinks. He also hung about with a group of other architects. I noticed, though, that Aled was sometimes late into work. Sometimes he wasn’t at his desk when he should have been. Then, one day, I was in the ladies when I heard some of the girls talking about Aled. They didn’t know I was there. They were talking about me and Aled. They said I was very young, had no idea what he got up to, that they felt sorry for me.’
Catrin frowned. ‘What did they mean?’
‘Well, at first I thought they were jealous. Then, one evening we went out and he went off to the toilets. When he came back I saw white powder on his nose. Then it all fitted together.’
‘You knew what it was.’
‘There were girls back at my boarding school who used it. Rich kids, you know, get targeted in the clubs. I knew he was using cocaine.’
‘Was it just at parties and things?’ Catrin asked, although in her heart she already knew the answer.
Elizabeth shook her head. ‘I watched him from then on. I realised he was really hooked. He was using it during the day at work, when we were out, all the time.’
‘He was using at work. Did your father know?’
Elizabeth twisted a thin strand of hair around her finger. ‘My father knew Aled. He didn’t know about him using drugs.’
‘Did he know you were seeing him?’
‘He heard rumours I had been out with Aled.’
‘What did he say?’
‘He warned me off. He said Aled was a bright star, really good architect, but he was getting in with the wrong crowd. My father told me not to go out with them.’
‘But you did.’
‘I was nineteen. I thought my father was being over-protective. Crazy. I know he was right now.’
‘I know you were young, but did you try to help Aled?’
‘I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t listen. His friends were as bad as him.’
‘He needed help.’
Your father knew. He came over to see him. He was trying to stop anyone knowing, I think. I never saw him, but he would take Aled out.’
‘Dad knew?’
‘Oh, yes. He was worried Aled was getting a reputation. I left at the Christmas before Aled’s party at the Dragon House. I didn’t know then that I was pregnant, but I was glad to leave. I was looking into adoption when I heard that Aled was coming back to the UK. I hoped then that he had got clean and I mapped out in my head a happy ending.’
‘You wanted to marry him. Would your parents have accepted that?’
‘I was hoping they would.’
‘But your father didn’t approve of Aled?’
‘No, but I was thinking he might come round if Aled got himself straight. He was a very promising architect. So, as you know, I came to the party. We went to the headland.’
‘Was he taking cocaine that night?’
‘He was, and he was desperate for money. Cocaine is expensive. He had found someone over here to buy from, but he said it was costing more. He knew he only had enough for a week or two. He was asking your mother for money when they’d had the row.’
‘Why was he asking her for money? He had a good job.’
He told me he was in debt. Your mother had been sending him money in America. He’d told her that it was for gambling, but he didn’t want his father to find out.’
‘He was in a real mess, then?’
‘Yes. Cocaine is a very expensive habit.’
‘Did Mum find out what the money was really for at the party?’
‘Yes. I think she had started to worry about him. In the end he told her, thought she’d feel sorry for him.’
‘What did she say?’
‘She said she would pay for him to go to rehab but wouldn’t give him any more money.’
‘So he went storming out with you, took you to the headland?’
‘He did. He told me about the problems getting money. He asked me for some. Then I told him about being pregnant.’
Catrin screwed up her eyes, in dread of what was to come. ‘What happened?’
‘He said that was good. We could get married.’
‘He wanted the baby?’
Elizabeth sighed. ‘For a moment, I believed that. He grabbed my hand and said he was going to take me to the most magical place to propose.’
‘Worm’s Head?’
‘Yes, he was crazy. He said that he’d never been there. His mother had stopped him going, but tonight he would go there with me.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I was scared. I was heavily pregnant. He was just wild. Then he said, wasn’t it wonderful that in the morning we would open a joint account; all his problems were over. It was then that I realised that all he was thinking about was getting money to buy cocaine. That was all he cared about. I think that was the first time I really realised how badly addicted he was.’
Catrin blinked back tears: to imagine her brother so desperate was terrifying; that a drug could have done that to him.
‘I pulled away,’ said Elizabeth. ‘I said I would never marry him.’
‘He said he was going to Worm’s Head with or without me. He was just out of it. I said not to go, not to be stupid.’
‘And–’
‘He said no-one ever called him stupid. He was perfect. I should know that. Then he hit me, really hard. I fell down and blacked out. Then you found me.’
Catrin sat stunned. It was like hearing about someone she had never known, a stranger.
‘I’m so sorry, Catrin, but you should’ve been told.’
‘Yes. I should have known this. I am so sorry for what my brother did to you.’
‘I don’t think it was really him.’
‘He hurt you.’
‘Yes. In the hospital, I was in such a state. My aunt looked after me. Your father came up with the idea of you adopting Bethan.’
‘Do you regret it now?’
Elizabeth shook her head. ‘No. I wasn’t ready for a child. Fate at least made sure Bethan had the best parents she could have wished for.’
‘Thank you.’
‘I would like to see Bethan sometimes.’
‘I know. We will have to work it out properly.’
‘I think I might find someone to talk to, a therapist or someone. When I see Bethan, it should be about her, not me.’
‘You are very brave.’
‘Not really.’
‘Bethan told me you talked to Richard. Will it be alri
ght?’
‘Yes. He was fine about it. He’s a good man.’
‘Good.’
‘I would like to meet Gareth sometime. It doesn’t seem right that I’ve not met him yet.’
‘Gareth and I, we need to sort a few things out but, yes, you must meet him soon.’
‘Good.’ Elizabeth stood up. Catrin realised she was ending the meeting.
‘Thank you for telling me all this.’
‘It’s not pretty, is it?’
‘No, but better an ugly truth than a pretty lie, as they say.’
‘Will you tell Bethan?’
‘I think I have to. I’m not sure when but, yes, I will tell her.’
‘I’m going back to the B & B. When I came down, Richard said it wasn’t my sort of place. In some ways he’s right but, you know, it is special. I can think here. I’d like to spend some time just to try and make peace with it. Does that make sense? I don’t want it to be a place I avoid, but I know it’s there.’
‘I know exactly what you mean,’ said Catrin. ‘It’s better to face things, isn’t it?’
‘Yes. I’m glad I have. If I hadn’t, I’d have never seen Bethan, would I? Got to see what a remarkable young woman she has grown into. No, I’m glad I came.’
‘So am I.’
‘We have to keep in touch. You have my mobile number, don’t you?’
Catrin nodded. ‘Yes. Well, goodbye.’
Catrin drove back to the house. She had a sandwich by herself. Everyone seemed to be keeping themselves to themselves. They all spent the rest of the afternoon fairly quietly, glad of the rain giving them an excuse to stay in.
In the evening, Lowri, Mark and Bethan went to buy fish and chips from Rhossili. Catrin was getting things ready in the kitchen when she realised that it was getting darker, even though it was only seven o’clock. The day hadn’t brightened, and it seemed to be getting dark early.
Her father was sitting in the living room, ignoring them all, watching the television.
‘Dad, the girls are getting fish and chips. Fancy anything?’
He looked up, scowling. ‘OK, but I’ll eat in here.’
Sighing, Catrin left him. She went upstairs to check that her bedroom window was closed. She looked out. She couldn’t see Worm’s Head but, of course, it was still there, and it still filled her with a sense of dread. The past: always there, always something that frightened her. It never left her. She remembered David talking about unravelling the past, how if we didn’t do that it would never go, never rest. There was a knock at the door. She ran downstairs, expecting it to be the girls and Mark with the food. However, she opened it to find Gareth, ashen-faced, unable to speak, and clutching his chest.
Chapter Thirty Five
Catrin sat in the ambulance with Gareth. He was conscious, but lying attached to machines, very still. Fortunately, the others had arrived home immediately after Gareth, and Lowri had run in. She had taken one look at her father and called an ambulance. Catrin had been so glad Lowri had been there as she herself had frozen, not sure what to do.
In the ambulance, she held Gareth’s hand. Neither of them spoke. She was petrified of making things worse by saying or doing the wrong thing.
At the hospital, he was whisked off for tests. Lowri and Bethan arrived, having followed the ambulance. Lowri was white faced, Bethan crying.
‘What’s happened, Mum?’ asked Bethan.
‘Dad has severe heart pains. They’re doing tests.’
‘Has he had a heart attack?’
‘I don’t know. We have to wait.’
Bethan started to sob again. Lowri said, ‘I’ll go and see if I can find out what is going on.’
Catrin sat with her arm around Bethan. So many things had gone through her mind in the past week. Gareth being seriously ill was not one of them. He was never ill. He was the one who kept going through everything. He may not be home much, but in an emergency he was the one they turned to: the rock, the foundation of the family. She had never realised quite how much, until now. What if she lost him, tonight? It happened. People could be gone that quickly.
Lowri returned.
‘They’re running lots of tests. Apparently, he’s been having chest pains for ages. They think its angina.’
‘Not a heart attack?’
‘They don’t think so. They’re doing an ECG now. There’ll be a few tests yet, Mum, before they can be sure what’s going on. I left Mark outside looking for a parking space. I’ll go find him and tell him what’s happening.’
Catrin stayed with Bethan. They watched nurses and doctors coming and going. She heard one talking about her daughter’s wedding, not knowing if she needed to get a hat; another mentioned the name of someone in her ward who had died that afternoon. It was such a strange place, a hospital, where the mundane and extraordinary, life changing events ran in parallel.
Eventually a nurse emerged from Gareth’s room. She smiled reassuringly.
‘Your husband is comfortable. We have to wait now for some test results, and the consultant has been called.’
‘What?’ asked Bethan. Catrin repeated to her what the nurse had said.
‘Can I go in and see him?’
‘Of course, but he needs to rest.’
Catrin could see the nurse glancing at Bethan, who was crying again. Lowri returned. Catrin told her what was going on. Lowri looked at the nurse.
‘It’s late. Would it be a good idea for some of us to go, or do you think we should stay?’
Catrin and the nurse knew exactly what she was asking.
‘It’s OK to go home. Are you staying?’ This was addressed to Catrin.
‘Oh, yes. I want to stay.’
Bethan and Lowri went in very briefly to say goodnight to Gareth. When they came out, Lowri spoke. ‘He’s fast asleep, Mum.’
‘Right. Well, you go.’
‘OK. We’ll see you in the morning. You must be hungry. We never had the fish and chips.’
Catrin gave a little smile. ‘It’s alright, love. Not too hungry at the moment.’
‘I’ll bring you some clean clothes and things in the morning.’
‘That’s great. Tell Grandad what’s happening, won’t you?’
‘Of course. He had Safi on his lap when I left. See you later, Mum.’
Bethan and Lowri both kissed Catrin and left.
Catrin nervously made her way into Gareth’s room. She was surprised to find that he was awake. Various monitors were flashing beside him.
‘Hi, love,’ she said quietly. ‘You gave us all a bit of a scare.’
‘I’m sorry.’ His voice sounded weak. It held none of its usual self-assurance.
‘It’s alright. You’re here. They’ll look after you.’
‘It’s my own fault.’
‘But you didn’t go to the doctor?’
‘No. I ignored all the advice I’d have given to a patient.’
‘You never said anything to me.’
‘I know. I suppose I thought it would make more of a thing of it if I said anything about it.’
‘Oh, love.’
‘I know. The number of times I’ve heard patients say that. I’ve been so stupid.’
She was shocked to see tears in his eyes.
‘Hey, it’s alright. I should have realised. You’ve not been yourself.’
Gareth didn’t speak, but his eyes seemed full of unspoken words. He looked hard at Catrin, but seemed suddenly to run out of energy. He closed his eyes, and soon he was asleep. She sat with him for a while until a nurse came in.
‘Would you like a drink? Coffee, tea?’
‘Coffee, thank you.’
She was surprised to see that it was midnight. Somehow, in the hospital, she had lost track of time. She curled up on the armchair next to the bed. The nurse arrived with a cup of coffee. Catrin wished she had Safi to curl up on her lap, but she sat alone, watching Gareth sleep. Nurses came in, busily checking things. Gareth was given injections. Catrin felt very helpl
ess. The lights were lowered in his room, but she didn’t really like it. It felt rather serious and forbidding. She longed for it to be light.
Saturday 4th August 2012
Catrin was woken at five by the alarm on the drip, and a nurse coming to change it. Gareth seemed to manage to sleep through it all. She was relieved to see chinks of light coming though the window. It seemed an achievement, somehow, to have made it through the night. The daylight brought with it a sense of optimism. She found the toilet. On her way she looked at the nurses who had been on duty all night. They looked pale as they rushed around. These last few hours must seem long. Eventually, there was the racket of the day shift. Breakfasts and baths started. Catrin sat again, helplessly.
Gareth woke up and looked at her blearily, trying to adjust to where he was.
‘You’re in hospital, love.’
‘Oh, crumbs,’ he said, remembering. ‘Can I go home?’
‘Not yet. I think you’ll be in a bit longer while they check the results of the tests.’
He sighed. His resignation frightened her.
‘Have you been here all night?’
‘Oh, yes.’
‘You ought to go and have some breakfast.’
‘I could do with a coffee. I think Lowri and Bethan will be coming in this morning.’
Gareth looked at her. ‘Can you put them off? You and me, we need to talk first.’
Her heart beat faster. What did he have to say?
Catrin found the café. An area was cordoned off for staff. She sat in the other area with toast and coffee, feeling very out of place. She drank and ate as quickly as she could and went out to phone Lowri. She filled her in on the night and suggested she and Bethan come after lunch.
‘Is Bethan all right with that? Tell her Dad is OK, won’t you?’
Catrin returned to the ward. Gareth was sitting up. The consultant came round early. Soon, he and Gareth were talking in medical jargon. Catrin had little idea what they were talking about. The medical terminology all sounded pretty alarming to her. Seeing the expression on her face, the consultant turned to her.
‘Sorry, doctor speak. You’re not getting rid of him just yet.’
Catrin tried to smile. The consultant moderated his tone.
‘He’s not had a heart attack. We know that. We will run some more tests. It appears this has been going on for some time. Your husband appears to have been trying to pretend it will all go away. I don’t know, why are doctors some of my worst patients? Anyway, don’t you worry too much. I’ll see you both later.’