by Mary Grand
He rushed off. Catrin was left with Gareth. He looked at her, his eyes sad.
‘Sorry. You look worse than me.’
‘Thanks a lot.’ Catrin looked down, and nervously scratched her hand.
‘What he was saying was they think I have angina. I kept putting it down to stress, but I knew it was getting worse.’
‘And you’ve been ignoring it?’
He grimaced. ‘I know. I could have had a heart attack, or a stroke. You don’t need to tell me.’
‘You say you put it down to stress. Has it been that bad, then?’
Catrin saw Gareth’s eyes welling up. ‘I have to tell you something. I’m so sorry.’
Catrin held her breath, waiting for Gareth to speak.
‘It’s about my work.’
Catrin breathed a sigh of relief. ‘What about it?’
‘I’m completely done in, Catrin. God, I’m so tired.’
‘You’re a very good doctor. You know that.’
‘The hours are so hard.’
‘Why did you take on the research, then?’
‘I don’t know. I think it’s like I always used to say with the families I saw struggling. They were always the ones who would go out and get a giant dog. I think I understand why now. I suppose we think that if we keep covering up problems with bigger ones we won’t see the ones at the root, the ones that really frighten us.’
‘There’s more,’ he said. Catrin held her breath again. Gareth looked very awkward now.
‘It’s about Carol.’
‘Oh.’ Catrin’s heart was beating very fast now.
‘She wants me to carry on with the research, extend it. She’s so ambitious. Her aim is to qualify as a doctor. There’s nothing wrong with that. She’ll be very good. But she wants to make a name for herself.’
‘So you would continue like this?’
‘I don’t know what to do. You know, I think she was worried I would die on her. She knew about the chest pains. It’s why she sent that text to you. She found me in the surgery really early, looking pretty unwell. She said she was going to tell you about me being ill.’
‘And you should have told me. It shouldn’t have been Carol. You and she seem to have got very close.’
‘There’s nothing going on. She’s not interested in me, just the research.’
‘She sees a lot more of you than me.’
He looked at Catrin searchingly. ‘You said some things on the phone–’
She squeezed his hand. ‘Not now. Soon, but not now.’
Gareth lay back, sighed deeply, and closed his eyes.
Catrin sat looking at him. She was so relieved that he was going to be alright, but it didn’t erase the past few months. She couldn’t face going back to how it had been: Gareth never home; never doing anything with her; always coming second. She had done that all her life and she wasn’t prepared to do it any more.
Chapter Thirty Six
Sunday 5th August 2012
Catrin drove Gareth back to the Dragon House mid morning the next day. She was surprised at how quickly they had allowed him out, but the consultant said that they had done all the tests and now needed his bed for the next person. He was given medication. A letter was written to his general practitioner, and an appointment made for him at the hospital in Cardiff.
‘He also gave me a long hard talking to, about stress and lifestyle. I’m not allowed back to work for at least a month. God knows how they will cope at the surgery. I will have to ring John, the practice manager, on his mobile when I get back, maybe arrange to see him on Monday. Could you drive me down? I’m not allowed to drive for a week or two.’
‘I think you ought to slow down, Gareth. Let’s just get back.’
Gareth made his phone call. Uncharacteristically compliant, he then sat in the living room watching the Olympics, with Safi tucked up next to him on the sofa. Catrin was aware that they still had a lot to talk about, but wanted to wait until he was rested. She did, however, want to tell him what she had learned about Aled. He listened carefully.
‘I am so sorry,’ he said, at the end.
‘I’m stunned. I suppose I guessed there might be something, but never like this. To think he was addicted to something, and that it had changed him so much.’
‘I know. I watch patients. It’s devastating for them and their families.’
‘By the way, I found something, a small bag of cocaine, up in his room. I left it there. What do we do with it?’
‘I’ll sort it out. It must be disposed of properly.’
‘Thanks. You must think me a bit of a fool, the way I went on about Aled being so perfect.’
‘Not really. Obviously, I knew he couldn’t be as wonderful as you and your father made out, but you seemed to need to do that. You were very fond of him. He was your brother. It was very sad that he died so young.’
‘I did love him. I really did. He had great charm and was such fun. Mum and Dad might have gone on about how brilliant he was, but he was not big-headed.’
‘Do you think your mother’s drinking affected him?’
‘I think it must have done. I tried to shield him, but he saw how she was. He saw her turn to drink when she was unhappy.’
‘I can see that. And what about Bethan? She’s had a hell of a lot to cope with, what with hearing new things about her father, as well as meeting Elizabeth. Maybe you should arrange for her to see her social worker back in Cardiff, to talk about it.’
‘That’s a really good idea. Yes, we must arrange that. She could do with someone outside of it all to talk to. Do you think I should tell her about Aled and the cocaine? Do I tell her now or has she had enough for one week?’
‘She should know, but maybe she’s had enough for now, unless she asks.’
‘Yes, that sounds right. I think I’d better go and get on with some of this sorting out I keep not doing.’
Gareth nodded and said, ‘I know we’ve got more to talk about.’
‘Yes. Not yet, but, yes, we will soon. I’ll come down later to make lunch. I think Safi has decided his job is to stay next to you. See you later.’
Catrin went up to Aled’s room. She took out the brown envelope she had hidden in a drawer. At that moment, Bethan came in.
‘Mum, what’s wrong with Grandad? He won’t speak to me. Is he really upset about the audition?’
Catrin sighed. Her father had built an invisible wall around him, with barbed wire on top. He was not allowing anybody in.
‘I’m sorry. He’s very mixed up at the moment.’
‘I used to think he was wonderful because he spent so much on me, but I’ve seen a different side of him here. He shouldn’t have lied about Elizabeth. At the audition he was really nasty.’
‘He’s not always that easy.’
‘No. I wouldn’t want to be living with him out in America.’ Bethan looked around the room and, distractedly, said, ‘I never realised Aled was into rugby.’
‘He was very good.’
‘Of course,’ Bethan tutted irritably. ‘He was good at everything, wasn’t he?’
‘I suppose so.’
‘Come on, Mum. He couldn’t have been. Nobody is.’
‘Well–’
‘Who was he? Elizabeth was keeping things back from me. I know she was. Someone needs to tell me what happened.’
Catrin bit her lip. Was this the time? ‘You really want to know?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’ve been through so much. Dad suggested we make an appointment for you to see Janet, your social worker.’
‘Yes, I’d like that. She’ll know about this stuff. There’s a girl at Deaf club who is fostered, but she sees her parents. Janet has helped her.’
‘Good. We’ll arrange it tomorrow.’
‘But Mum, about Aled–’
They were interrupted by Lowri. ‘Mum, I don’t know what to do with half the things in Grandma’s room.’ She looked down at Catrin and Bethan. ‘Something up?’
&nb
sp; ‘I was asking Mum to tell me more about Aled.’
Lowri nodded. ‘There must be a lot that Bethan doesn’t know. Isn’t there, Mum?’
‘There are some things–’
‘You don’t have to hide it all from us. We’re not children any more,’ said Bethan.
‘I want to know about Grandma Isabel as well,’ said Lowri.
Catrin screwed up her face. It was agony deciding whether she really should be telling her girls these things. She so wanted them to live in a world that wasn’t spoiled by pain and illness but it wasn’t like that.
‘Maybe it’s time I told you two a bit more. To be honest, some of it I’ve only just found out myself.’
They sat up on Aled’s bed, against the backdrop of the faded rugby posters.
‘Well, I’ll start with my Mum, your Grandma Isabel. What I’ve never told you about her is that she had a serious drink problem.’
‘She was an alcoholic?’ asked Lowri.
Catrin flinched at the word. ‘Yes. Yes, she was.’
Catrin paused. Lowri looked deep into her eyes as if locking into her pain.
‘I’m sorry to be telling you this. I don’t want you to think badly of your grandmother. I don’t want it to be the thing that defined her. She was so much more than that.’
‘Was she an alcoholic while you were growing up?’ asked Lowri.
Catrin looked down. ‘When I was a teenager. I worried about her a lot.’
‘That’s why you’re so concerned that I shouldn’t worry about you?’
‘That’s right. You see, my teenage years were very difficult. I was left to look after my Mum and worry about her when I needed support myself. And I had to protect Aled from it, although he was away at school a lot. I missed school and I never got to go to college.’
‘What about Grandad? Didn’t he help?’
‘Sometimes, but he also went away a lot on business.’
‘Grandad should have looked after you,’ said Bethan.
‘I don’t think he wanted to face it.’
‘That wasn’t fair,’ said Bethan, angrily.
‘Didn’t Grandma get treatment?’ asked Lowri.
‘She went into rehab a few times. Grandad paid a lot of money out. She went to good places. She tried, but she always relapsed. And then, losing Aled was just dreadful for her.’
‘So why was she like it? Whose fault was it?’ asked Bethan.
‘There were things that caused her great sadness in her past, when she was growing up. It made her very scared about being left alone.’
‘Grandad going away all the time didn’t help, then?’ said Bethan.
‘To be honest, no. It didn’t. She was very worried about losing him. However, and this is important to remember, ultimately her addiction was nobody’s fault, not Grandad’s, no-one’s. He might have made her unhappy sometimes and caused her pain. To cover that pain she sometimes drank. The addiction itself, though, was an illness. Uncle David has been explaining to me about how the brain changes when you become addicted.’
‘You meant it’s like a physical illness?’
‘Apparently. Some people do manage to get better, but others don’t. Grandma Isabel had some good patches. She really wanted to be a good grandmother to you, but then Aled–’
‘Did she really die from a heart attack?’ asked Lowri.
‘She had a heart attack. What we don’t talk about is that her body had been wrecked by alcohol. She had liver disease. Her heart problems arose from the drinking. There’s a stigma in telling people someone has died because of addiction, so we always just spoke about the heart attack.’
‘That’s so sad. You know, I remember Grandma Isabel. She used to tell me stories when I was very little. She told me I reminded her of you when you were little,’ said Lowri.
‘Yes. She was lovely. I miss her.’
‘And what about Aled?’ asked Bethan. ‘What don’t we know about him?’
Catrin bit her lip. This was going to be a lot harder.
‘I’m really sorry. The thing is, Aled was an addict as well.’
Bethan blinked very hard. She looked at her mother as if she was mad. ‘No, not my father.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes. I’ve only really found out in the past few days.’
‘But how? What happened?’
Bethan started twisting a long strand of hair round her finger very tightly.
‘With Aled it was drugs, cocaine.’
Bethan put her hand to her mouth. Catrin wondered if Bethan was going to be sick, but she saw her breathe deeply.
‘It’s a shock, I know.’
‘But I always thought he was so perfect, good at everything. It’s why what Elizabeth said about him not wanting to marry her seemed so odd. I assumed she was lying so that I would forgive her for giving me away.’
‘No. I don’t know everything that happened to her the night of the party, but I do know Aled was in a bad way. He was using cocaine.’
‘You know, I have this picture of this ideal man: blond hair, handsome, charming, and clever. To try and imagine him on drugs, it‘s awful. We were shown photographs about it at school. It’s horrible.’
‘I know.’
‘But surely someone knew? Who told you?’
‘Grandad knew, but it was Elizabeth who told me.’
‘Elizabeth? When?’
‘I met her on my own on Friday, in the afternoon.’
‘She didn’t come to see me?’
‘It wasn’t that. I asked to speak to her alone. I wanted to know the truth about Aled, and now I can tell you.’
‘Grandad knew? He never said anything, not at the memorial or anything.’
‘Grandad still won’t talk about it. He has a different Aled he wants to remember.’
‘But not the real one?’
‘No.’
‘How did Aled come to be taking cocaine?’
‘At university. He tried it at parties, apparently. He didn’t start taking it more seriously until he started working.’
‘It’s an expensive habit,’ said Lowri.
‘Exactly. He was asking Grandma Isabel for money.’
‘So she knew–’
‘Well, he told her he was gambling and had got into debt. But she found out what it was really for at the party.’
‘He asked her for money then?’
‘Yes, the night of the party they had this row. She offered to pay for rehab but refused to give him money. He was desperate. He was in a bad way. That’s when he went to the headland with Elizabeth.’
‘Elizabeth knew about him using cocaine?’
‘She knew when they were in New York. She was hoping he’d stopped taking it.’
‘When they went out, was that when she told him then she was pregnant?’
Catrin took a deep breath. ‘She tried to, but he wasn’t listening really. He wasn’t thinking straight. To be honest, I don’t think he really thought about it too much.’
‘What happened to Elizabeth?’
‘Well, Aled did suggest they get married.’
‘So, he did want me.’
‘It wasn’t that simple. He was really just thinking about money for drugs. When Elizabeth realised that, she decided that she didn’t want to marry him. He was very angry. He, um, pushed her.’
‘He attacked her?’
‘He hit her, and ran off.’
‘Oh God, what a scumbag. How could he do such a thing?’
‘He wasn’t himself.’
Lowri sat forward. ‘Bethan, people high on drugs or alcohol aren’t really themselves. It’s horrible to watch. I’ve seen it at the hospital, perfectly nice people getting very abusive and violent.’
‘I’ve seen friends a bit pissed, but they tend to be a bit stupid and throw up.’
‘This is very different.’
‘Poor Elizabeth.’
‘It was awful for her,’ said Catrin. ‘She blacke
d out. Then me and Dad found her.’
‘Thank God you did.’
‘It was a good thing, yes.’
Lowri put her arm around her sister.
‘Aled was a brilliant, clever, handsome, man,’ said Catrin. ‘Maybe he could have been a great man, but he got involved with drugs and that was what killed him.’
‘The truth: it’s not always so nice is it?’ said Bethan
‘No. I’m sorry. I haven’t helped. I know I was always making Aled out to be so perfect. I’m sorry I did that.’
‘To die like that: it’s terrible.’
‘It was tragic. But, Bethan, I know it’s a shock. But please don’t let the drugs, the addiction, colour everything you know about Aled. I may have exaggerated, but he was wonderful. When he was not gripped by addiction, he was an amazing person. You’d have loved him, I’m sure.’
Bethan looked at her, tears streaming down her face. She didn’t use her voice, but used a sign, making a fist over her heart. It was the sign for deep, heart-breaking loss, the sign for the loss of someone greatly loved. Catrin guessed that was how Bethan felt. It was a time to grieve for the loss of someone, a picture of a person who actually had never existed. It was desperately hard to let go of a fairy tale prince, but it had to happen if Bethan was ever to understand her past, the real Aled, and to piece together who she herself was. They sat together and hugged each other.
Chapter Thirty Seven
They went downstairs. Catrin started to get lunch. Mark came back from a walk, and started showing all his finds and photographs to Lowri and Bethan. It brought a sense of normality and provided the right level of distraction.
Catrin took her lunch and sat with Gareth in the living room.
‘I talked to the girls about my Mum, and about Aled.’
‘So soon?’
‘It came up. It seemed the natural thing to do.’
‘How is Bethan?’
‘OK. She’s with Lowri.’
‘What’s happened to Mark?’