“But the accident was my fault.”
“Luna fell; it’s not anyone’s fault.”
If only the situation was that simple. “What about the baby? Do we need to do another ultrasound?”
“The baby was fine at the check-up this morning.”
“But Doctor Aziza said the heart rate was slower than he liked.”
Doctor Roig took a moment and tried to smile. “Cayetano, right now, your girlfriend and her baby are healthy. You are a mess. It’s already late; go home, sleep and come back in the morning. Tomorrow might be a better day.”
“I can’t leave.”
“You can, and you should.”
37
Valencia, España ~ Junio de 2010
The beeping noise on the machine. It was so annoying. It beeped in time with Luna’s pulse all day and night, and drove Cayetano nuts. But he never realised how much he loved it until her pulse stopped. The gruesome moment when the life drained from Luna elicited a shrill noise as the screen flat-lined. He got pushed to one side of the room as the nurses rushed about in search of the doctor. She was dead. Luna had let go, and Cayetano couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
Cayetano jerked awake in bed. It was dark, and he dripped with sweat. Why the hell wasn’t he at the hospital? He sat up and clutched the sheet on the mattress as his mind struggled to figure out what was happening. He was in bed in Luna’s Valencian apartment. Cayetano came home, sat down to dinner with the boys, bathed them and tucked them into bed after a story. He was going to go back to the hospital, leaving the sleeping children under the watchful eye of his own parents. But when he went into Luna’s bedroom to have a shower in the ensuite, reality hit him again. The room smelled like Luna. Her perfume bottle was on the nightstand. In the dark room with his eyes closed, he felt her around him as he lay on the bed. Luna was everywhere in the room. He rolled over and rested his head on her pillow and breathed in the smell of her. Was this how Luna felt when Fabrizio died? Lying here, knowing he would never come back? No family to call for support? How did she ever cope? Cayetano didn’t have Luna’s strength.
Just five minutes on her pillow. Just lie down for five minutes, and then go back to the hospital…
Cayetano fumbled in the dark to try to clear the nightmare from his head. What was the time? It was dark? He reached over the nightstand and bumped the lamp. In a second, it fell to the hard floor and smashed.
“Mierda,” he swore to himself. He had slept, underneath the fear of the nightmare, and felt better than he had all week. He tried again and found Luna’s watch on the nightstand. 5.30am? Anything could have happened at the hospital! Managing to step over the broken lamp, Cayetano turned the light on and squinted in the brightness. He had to get dressed and get out of the apartment. He needed to go to the hospital and tell Luna he had taken proper care of her sons. She would like that.
Cayetano stopped and went to see Giacomo and Enzo, still fast asleep. He didn’t want to wake them up to say goodbye. They looked too relaxed, and they needed that. He crept down the hallway and found José in the kitchen.
“Morning, Papí. Why are you up so early?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever had a full night of sleep in my life,” José said, his gaze aimed at the white floor tiles.
“I feel guilty for sleeping; I shouldn’t have come home in the first place.”
“You need to look after those kids, too. Though, you’re giving your mother and grandmother infinite joy in being able to help. You know women…”
“Yes, looking at me to breed and give them children to dote on day and night.” Cayetano paused; four days on from the accident and he still hadn’t told anyone about Luna’s pregnancy. No one could know until Luna knew herself.
“Your generation is different to mine, or that of your father. You can be more involved with your children, you’re allowed to be. You’re allowed to show you care. My life stopped me doing that.”
“Why, Papí?’
José shrugged and looked up at him. “All I remember of my parents is hiding in Madrid, when the Republicans held the city in 1936. My parents were more or less peasants, so they could get around the city easy enough. No one cared about them. Any time we left the house, we had to hurry around, like we had a target on our backs. One day, my father never returned home and my mother just cried all the time. I found out later he had been shot in the back. Then, in November, the Germans bombed the city, under Franco’s orders. We got bombed by our own side during the siege for the city. Franco said he would rather bomb Madrid, than leave it to the Marxists. They didn’t bomb the Salamanca barrio, where you live, because the inhabitants were rich Nationalists. We were poor Nationalists, left to die as they blew apart Republicans.”
“Did you see your mother die?” Cayetano asked, his voice gentle.
José nodded, and Cayetano thought he would burst into tears. “I was across the street, playing in the dirt with the other kids. A rare time I could go outside to play! The bomb came out of nowhere, and the noise won’t ever leave me. I cowered behind a cart as the dust settled, after our whole building collapsed. My ears were ringing. The moment I poked my head out from under the cart, I knew that Mamá would be dead. It took three days for the bodies to be pulled from the rubble.”
“What happened to you?”
“I was only six, so I got sent off to the church, which wasn’t safe either. Republican bastards loved ransacking churches, raping nuns and shooting priests. Once the war was over, the church had its power over society restored, but it didn’t make it safe. That’s why I joined the Guardia Civil; they accepted me young, and I had a way out. But that put the vile side of life in my path. It made me hard; it made me someone I didn’t want to be. I couldn’t come home and be the father or husband I wanted to be, because of the things I did when in uniform.”
“You always speak like you’re proud of what you did as an officer. You worked for Franco.”
“The man who ordered the bombing of my family,” José sighed. “I am proud, I did a lot of good. But I did a lot of bad, too. Some people got what they deserved, but some… some I wish I had never met.”
Cayetano didn’t dare ask any questions. The nightmare of Luna flat-lining still swirled in his head. He knew he had to leave home again, but it felt so good not to be surrounded by the impending doom of the hospital.
“It’s unbelievable how one person can change your whole life,” José muttered.
“Tell me about it!”
“I remember meeting a girl, here in Valencia. She was beautiful, I mean, really gorgeous. A natural beauty, hidden behind big, stunning sad eyes. She had long curly black hair, and it seemed to shine despite the sadness of her life. She had a handful of kids and was all alone…”
“You just described my Luna, Papí.”
José raised his eyebrows and looked right at his grandson. “Yes, I suppose I did.”
“Who was this woman?”
“Her name was Carmelita. I haven’t said her name in over fifty years. I met her by accident while attending to something on duty. Now, here I am, not far from where it all happened.”
“What happened?”
“I can’t talk about that. I have and never will. Only one other person knows that story, and he’s dead.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you, Papí.”
“You haven’t, nieto. I know this city like the back of my hand. Of course, the city is a great deal bigger than it was in the fifties. This part here, in El Grau, it was an ugly area between the city and the port. But that area, where the hospital is, Campanar… it’s all new and old at the same time. That area was much smaller in my day. I remember driving through there late at night, past small homes. The agricultural area came right up to the edge of the barrio back then. It was the most awful night of my life.”
“Why did you come back here, if Valencia causes you so much pain?”
“Because of the pain you are going through, Caya. I know how you’re feeling right
now.”
“My life is destroyed, Papí. I don’t know if Luna will ever be well again.”
“Trust me, I know how that feels. I had a partner in Valencia. His name was Fermín, a Basque orphan who didn’t get shipped off to Russia. He made his way into the force and then to Valencia. We saw each other every day for two years, and then, that night when the river flooded, he drowned. We had been trying to save a little girl from the rising water.”
“I’m sorry, Papí.”
“God was nowhere to be found back in those days. He left us to fend for ourselves,” José said as his voice shook. “I went into the river that night, and probably the only one who didn’t die. I clung to the head of the statue on Puente de la Trinidad for half an hour, before exhaustion made me let go. I grabbed a log that floated over the river’s edge, and into the flooding streets. I climbed a statue of a painter and held on until rescue came to me. I held on because I wanted to get back to Consuela, and your mother. She was just three years old at the time. They were at home, and the water was rising fast. People were dying in their own homes. I didn’t know if my family was safe. I didn’t know where they were. I wasn’t there when they needed me. All night, cold and wet fearing for my life, I didn’t know if Consuela would live to see the sun again. Plus, just when you think the worst is over, it never is. So yes, I know how you feel about Luna right now.”
“I feel sick,” Cayetano said. “The moment I get to that hospital, it strikes a panic in me. It reminds me of when I was in the hospital years ago, when I got gored in the chest. When I was lying there, wondering if I would die, I didn’t get scared. I’ve been raised to think being killed was an honour. Death, and the art of dying with honour has surrounded my whole life. But now, as Luna lies there, it’s all different. One stupid accident, one stupid mistake and it could cost Luna her whole life. Her boys lost one parent and now another is damaged beyond recognition. I don’t even have any rights over those boys. They would go to Darren, or their grandparents in Sicily. I made one mistake out there on that mountain and everything could be ruined.”
“Those mountains are full of mistakes, full of moments we wish we could take back. What will happen to Luna’s dig now?”
“Jorge, who organised it, he called a few times, wanting to know how Luna is, but I can’t talk to him yet. I said they could carry on without Luna. I don’t care. All I want is a future, the past can just… just get fucked!”
“I hope this incident hasn’t knocked the fight out of Luna.”
“You hate the fight in Luna!”
“I do, but you seem to love it. I do have a heart, Caya. I can see my part in all this. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have sent Miguel to spy on her, but I was nervous and wanted to know where her property was and what she had found. I didn’t expect things to get so out of hand, or that she would be harmed this much. That wasn’t in my plan. I don’t want you to take the blame for her fall.”
“Trust me, Papí, it’s all my fault,” Cayetano scoffed.
“After we left Valencia in ‘57, I spent years blaming myself, berating myself, hurting myself with the memories of the past. You can’t do that. Even when hurtful things happen you need to let them go, whether you get held to account or not.”
“I can’t think beyond today. I need to be at the hospital. Everything else can wait.”
“Of course it can.”
38
Valencia, España ~ Junio de 2010
Cayetano pushed open the door to Luna’s room. The nurse at the bedside looked up and smiled at him in recognition. He nodded hello, not wanting to break the silence. Darren sat in a chair, his head on the bed, Luna’s hand in his. The last time the two men had met, Cayetano had been forced to leave Giacomo and Enzo with him. All the hate he had for the man dissipated the moment he saw how much he cared for those boys in that heart-breaking moment.
Cayetano waited for the nurse to leave and edged himself to the bedside to kiss Luna’s forehead. She was as lifeless as when he left. “Estoy contigo,” he whispered. “I’m with you, la chispa.” Something, anything, Luna. Please tell me you are still in there somewhere.
Darren stirred in his seat, and sat up with wide eyes when he saw Cayetano. The two men shared an awkward moment. So much had passed between them, all for one woman. Cayetano put this hand out, and Darren responded; the shake between them barely existed at all.
“I can go,” Darren said with a deep breath. “I know I’m not welcome. I just thought I would take this moment while you were at home last night.”
“No,” Cayetano muttered and sat down in his familiar armchair on the other side of the bed. “It’s fine.”
“Did you sleep?” Darren asked.
“Yeah. The kids wanted me to be at home, so I spent some time with them. But I care very much about Luna…”
“I know,” Darren interrupted him. “Luna would tell you to go and look after the boys. She would say that only the parents should look after the children.”
“I know,” Cayetano said and took her little hand in his. “But this time, the whole family needs to help.”
The two men sat in silence, the familiar beeping doing the talking. “I can’t believe this,” Darren all but whispered. “Seeing her like this…”
“Seeing her like this,” Cayetano repeated. “Seeing the boys so upset…”
“First Fabrizio, and now this. Life can be so cruel sometimes.”
Cayetano couldn’t help it; tears came to his eyes again and he had no interest in stopping them. They began to roll down his cheeks. He glanced up and Darren’s eyes were wet, too. “How could I be so stupid?” he mumbled.
“Because we think we have forever. We think we can have everything. We are comfortable and happy and have the luxury of wanting. These things don’t happen in our dreams. Luna is the only one who knew different because of losing Fabrizio.”
“Only now do I have a small idea of what Luna would have gone through when Fabrizio died,” Cayetano sighed.
“I can’t believe she could recover from a pain like that.”
“We worry about such little things for nothing.”
“We make a big deal about things that are easy to overcome, but we are not focusing on anything important.”
“I’m sorry, Darren,” Cayetano said and wiped his cheek. “About when I punched you when you admitted your drug use.”
“I love Luna, Cayetano.” A single tear ran down Darren’s face. “I’ve loved her from the moment we first met. We were kids, and I was in love with her. She never wanted me back. Never, no matter how much I tried. When Fabrizio died, and she started to get over his death, even then she wasn’t interested. Then Luna met you and she was so in love. I had to come to terms with the fact I had lost her to you. I never had her. I love her still, but not like I used to in the past. I love the kids and I wonder about all three of them and how they are. I want to be part of their lives. They’re my family. But I know she’s yours, Cayetano.”
Cayetano nodded, not able to look at the man. “I know. But…” he stopped, a sob too deep to suppress cut off his words. “But… I love her so much… I can’t help what I do because I love her… it’s like an obsession…” Another sob got caught in his throat.
“She has that effect and has no idea. She loves you, Cayetano. You mean everything to her.”
“And I never even noticed,” he murmured.
“Of course you did. You were comfortable with her. You didn’t have to notice because you knew it was there all along. In your position, I would fight everyone else off with a stick, too. Whether I could trust Luna or not.”
“I just don’t know where to go from here.”
“You aren’t alone. So many people can help you.”
“I don’t care if I never go back to Escondrijo ever again.”
“You need to look after it. Luna would want that. She wants it for the whole family. It’s her legacy. I was up there yesterday, checking on the place.”
“Thanks. Ever
ything fine?”
Darren didn’t want to tell Cayetano about the blood in the soil in the yard, which he washed away. “Fine. I remember, when Fabrizio died, Luna said she was glad that he died and not left in a state where he couldn’t live his life. Fabrizio had told Luna to turn off his life support if he couldn’t recover from an accident. Luna never had to make the choice, because he died so fast. But I know that Luna told Fabrizio that she would want to be taken off life support if she wasn’t going to recover.”
“I would never turn her off,” Cayetano shot back. “Never.”
“Neither would I, and neither would Fabrizio. I pray you’re not going to have to make that choice. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Nothing could hurt me now,” Cayetano shook his head. “Things couldn’t be any worse than this limbo.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“No,” Cayetano sighed. “But… thanks for sitting here, and I know you have been seeing the kids. They told me. Thanks.”
“It was for me as much as for them. It was killing me not being able to visit Luna.”
“Well… visit more.”
“I might go home,” Darren said as he yawned. “I’ll give you time with her. But I wanted to say I’m sorry to Luna, for what has happened. If I hadn’t done what I did, she wouldn’t have fallen like that…”
“What do you mean?”
“Never mind.”
Cayetano stood up when Darren did, and put his hand out again. This time Darren took it with a firm shake. “Maybe we could put everything behind us.”
“Whatever happens now, we need to stop our own shit while Luna gets better.”
“Agreed.”
Cayetano sat down as Darren left and took Luna’s hand again. He thought of José’s words, of feeling isolated and paralysed in the fear that the most influential person in his life may not be safe. Cayetano may not have been clinging to a statue above flood waters, but the risk of drowning in fear seemed just as high.
Secrets of Spain Trilogy Page 77