The Actuary

by K T Bowes

  Chapter 37

  “I’m getting Nicky.” Emma stepped over Rohan’s feet as he sat on the sofa in the wide hallway, deliberately blocking her exit. She conceded to wear the new boots but couldn’t face the expensive coat, making do with layers of ragged clothing instead against the Saturday morning freeze.

  “No!” Rohan stood up, listing to his left, his face a mask of pain. “I mean, not yet. Let’s talk. Please. I wanna sort everything out. I don’t want Nikolai to come home to this.”

  “Home?” Emma smiled sadly at him. “This isn’t his home. This was a break, a holiday I foolishly tried to make permanent. You have a life which doesn’t - and never has - included me or him. Let’s just leave it that way, shall we?”

  “No! I won’t accept that!” Rohan raised his voice. “He’s my son. I’ve been denied him all these years...I...”

  “I, I, I!” Emma smiled, her voice cold and level. “See. All about you, just like I said last night. You married me, you got me pregnant and you left. You went off to a war you had no business being in. Then when you came back, you chose to believe lies about me because you wanted to play the hero in other wars that weren’t yours. I’ve seen how Christopher works, Rohan. You could have found me anytime you wanted; I know that now. Something’s only lost if you don’t care enough to look.” She took a step towards him. “Do you realise Christopher’s looked out for me for years? He’s been pretty much permanently following me ever since your brother died? No? You wouldn’t, would you? Anton sent him after me and asked him to keep me safe. Where were you, Rohan? That was your job. Where were you?”

  Rohan looked agonised, his blue eyes flashing with misery, words seeming to fail him as he opened his mouth and nothing came out. Then his body folded back down onto the sofa, landing with a bump. He ran his hand through his blonde hair and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “You’re right,” he said softly. “Everything you’ve said is true. She told me you cheated on me and she caught you with him. I believed you ran away and I chose not to come and find you. I was broken outside and in and terrified of being rejected because of...well, I just was. I’m sorry. I’ve failed you.”

  “Anton told you to find me. It was his dying wish. But still you didn’t.”

  Rohan shook his head. “No.”

  “Did you have any intention of fulfilling his wishes or was it pure chance that you ran into me at the wedding?”

  “You ran into me.” Rohan smiled at the memory and rubbed his eyes. “I knew then, when I held you in my arms what an idiot I’d been. Durak!” He thumped his temple with the flat of his hand and shook his head.

  Emma watched him for a moment, ruing his failure as a husband and father. Then she left, slipping through the front door and clicking it shut behind her.

  Along the street she knocked on Allaine’s door, hearing Farrell bark from inside. His eager nose snuffled at the bottom of the door and the barking increased to fever pitch as he recognised Emma’s scent. Emma readied her smile as the front door swung open and her friend’s concerned face met hers, worried eyes and frown lines betraying a sleepless night.

  “Emma!” Allaine embraced her with genuine relief. Emma hugged her tightly and saw over her shoulder, two small pairs of eyes gazing at her with curiosity. Then the dog hit her full in the legs, overbalancing her and causing her to grab at the doorframe. Between them, Allaine and Farrell managed to communicate their concern and Emma’s heart sank, knowing Nicky would see straight through her attempts to brush off her disappearance.

  “Whoa boy! Steady on there.” Emma seized Farrell’s collar and forced him to sit down. His tail wagged furiously and he lifted his chin up high, pushing the top of his head repeatedly into Emma’s knee.

  “You said Mummy went for a little holiday wiv Uncle Rohan,” Nicky said accusingly, pursing his lips and putting his hands on his hips. “You was lying, weren’t ya, Allaine?” The effect of his reprimand was spoiled by the Spiderman outfit he wore, pulled tightly across his body and cutting him uncomfortably between his legs. Kaylee bounced up and down next to him, clutching a silver wand which blended beautifully with her pink, fluffy fairy outfit.

  “Om er!” she interjected. “Lying’s naughty, init Mummy?”

  Allaine gulped and remained silent, caressing Emma’s fingers with affection and struggling to compose herself. Nicky reached behind him and attempted to retrieve the offending seam from between his buttocks, but his face was dark and unforgiving. “You left me,” he said to Emma. “You promised you wouldn’t ever do that.”

  Emma studied her son with eyes saddened by exhaustion and a sense of futility. Whatever she did would be wrong. This highly intelligent child with the bright blue eyes would know if she lied and trust her even less. She glanced at Allaine once and then faced Nicky with an injection of fake confidence. “I don’t want to lie to you, Nicky. So right now, it’s probably best I say nothing. We’ll talk later and I’ll explain what I can. That will have to be good enough for now.”

  Nicky studied his mother with Rohan’s blue eyes, his head on one side like a little bird. “Ok then,” he said. “Do you like my outfit? Allaine got it for me from the Pound Shop. It’s a bit small though. There’s fifty pence worth of it stuck up my...”

  “Nicky!” Emma interrupted him with a speed born of experience. “Maybe go and take it off for now. I’ll sit with Allaine for a little while and then we can go.”

  “Ok. Is Uncle Ro back too?”

  Emma nodded, the haunted look returning. “Yeah, sweetheart. He’s quite tired and he’s got some things to sort out.”

  “Oh, ok.” Nicky smiled and lurched forward, pressing his face into Emma’s stomach and wrapping his arms around her waist. “I missed you, Mummy.”

  “I missed you too,” she whispered and leaned down to kiss the top of his head.

  The children bounced off to play and Emma sat down at Allaine’s kitchen table, laying her face on her forearms. “I suppose you want to hear what happened,” she said, sounding tired.

  Allaine set the kettle to boil and whirled around. “Of course I do! Every last detail!”

  Emma told Allaine some of her story, after exacting a promise that she would keep it to herself. She left out the bits about the dead kidnappers and the burning of the mansion, but told her most of what Christopher discussed in the eerie darkness.

  “So Rohan’s not just a number cruncher?” Allaine said with awe. “He takes stuff back? What did you call it? Risk management?”

  Emma nodded. “Apparently so. He and Christopher fly all over the world, basically selling their skills to the highest bidder.”

  “Like a mercenary?”

  Emma snuffed and rolled her eyes. “They’re certainly that!”

  “This is exciting. Tell me something they’ve done,” Allaine begged. “Something else.”

  “Christopher said there was an employee who stole the blueprints for a type of bomb from a laboratory in Moscow. Ro was paid to find him and eliminate the risk.”

  “Does he kill people?” Allaine wrinkled her nose. “William would be angry if I knew that and didn’t say something.”

  “I don’t believe so.” Emma sighed and ran a hand over tired eyes. She remembered Rohan’s voice in her drugged state, ordering nobody be allowed out of the burning building. She shivered. “Christopher said they paid for it and destroyed all the copies.”

  “Did they bring it home?” Allaine asked enthusiastically, her political naivety touching.

  “Not sure,” Emma lied. “I’m guessing that kind of thing’s classified by the government.” She swallowed, knowing Allaine would freak out and call her husband if Emma told the truth. Rohan repatriated the bomb design to its rightful owners; the Russian government. Christopher thought it unlikely the thief got to enjoy the cash once his location was known in certain quarters. It was a bad example and Emma worked to cover up her mistake. “Another case involved a man who stole a database from the bank he worked in. He tried to blackmail account h
olders who were involved in tax evasion. Rohan found the man and swapped the database for a large amount of money.”

  “Did he give it back to the bank?” Allaine asked, chewing on a thumb nail in her excitement.

  “No. His customer was the British Inland Revenue department and they prosecuted the account holders. Apparently they’re still going through the courts.”

  “I read about that in the news!” Allaine’s eyes bugged. “Oh my gosh, how exciting! So the Actuary was behind that too?”

  “Please don’t repeat any of this; I probably shouldn’t be telling you.” Emma sank her head into her hands, knowing she needed to shut up.

  “I won’t.” Allaine looked utterly sincere as she laid a comforting hand over Emma’s. “I promise. But tell me about Christopher again, your mysterious date.”

  “Oh, I still need to mend your dress.”

  “Don’t worry about it. So the Irish guy followed you all that time because your dead stepbrother asked him to?” Allaine said in hushed reverence. “How romantic!”

  Emma smiled. “Christopher’s a complete lush. He’s not someone who would ever be satisfied with one woman. I’d never feel completely secure with him. Anyway, it’s not really an option.” She sighed. “Look, I know Rohan’s Nicky’s father, but he’s shown no interest for the last six years. I’m kidding myself if I think it’ll be any different now. I’ll let Nicky perform in the Christmas nativity next Friday and then I’ll head back up north. Hopefully my council house will still be there. There’re people who can help me claim it back, again. I need to accept my limits and get on with my life.”

  Allaine’s eyes filled with dark devastation. “So soon? But I’ll miss you.”

  Emma reached across and grabbed her hand, almost knocking over the drinks Allaine had placed between them. “I’ve so loved your friendship. I’ve never had a proper friend before.”

  Allaine looked down and then gasped, pushing Emma’s sleeves back to reveal the red wheals from the sharp metallic handcuffs. “It’ll fade,” Emma said softly. “Compared to dying, it’s the least of my worries.”

  “I think you’re wrong,” Allaine said.

  Emma peeled back her cuffs and examined the swollen skin. “Oh. Don’t you think it’ll fade?”

  “Not that. I think you’re wrong about Rohan. He loves you and Nicky; anyone can see that! I wish you’d give him a chance.”

  Emma shook her head. “Ro doesn’t know what love is. I feel like I’ve loved him forever, this starry eyed schoolgirl crush. We grew up together but we were only man and wife for a short time before he went off to Afghanistan and I fled to Wales. Maybe he was deserving of that kind of adoration once, but I’ve changed. I need security and a father for Nicky. I’m not going to find that here. But at least I’ve learned I’m ready for a relationship, maybe even marriage again. I’m lonely. I’ve spent the last few years since Lucya died, convincing myself I’m not. But I am.” Emma smiled. “I’m also unbelievably tired.” She put her hand over the escaped yawn. “Sorry.”

  Nicky opted to stay at Allaine’s for another night, insisting he felt ok about it and was having a great time with Kaylee. “It’s actually quite nice for me,” Allaine insisted. “With my older kids gone, Kaylee gets quite clingy so it’s great having someone else to occupy her. Please let him stay just for tonight?”

  “And tomorrow morning!” Nicky begged eagerly. “I wanna go to church with you.”

  Emma wrinkled her nose and shook her head. “If you’re happy with that, Allaine, then I’m really grateful. I could use an early night and a very long lie in.”

  Back at the house Emma let herself in. “Come on, boy, in you go.” Farrell ran happily through the front door, inspecting his bowl, his bed and then sniffing frantically around the kitchen. “I think you’d be too much hard work for Allaine if I left you there another night,” Emma said to the panting dog. She shook kibbles into his bowl and he sniffed them and then hurled himself into his squashy bed. “Stay here, I’m going for a lie down. No idea where your master’s disappeared to.”

  Upstairs, Emma flopped onto her unmade bed, fully clothed. She yawned, turned over and woke up hours later to the feel of Rohan shaking her shoulder. “Emma wake up. Please Em! I don’t know what to do! Katastrofa!” Disaster.